grocery humor

Grocery Store

Just another normal day at the grocery store.

“Free sample?” asked the man holding a tray of cheeses.

“Wow,” said the woman. “Sure!” She grabbed a cheese with a toothpick and ate it.

“What the fuck!? You were supposed to sample the toothpicks! Those CHEESES weren’t free! “ The man threw the tray on the ground to display his anger. It worked. Everyone around saw it and thought “Damn, that guy’s angry.”

“I’m sorry,” said the woman. “I didn’t know! This is a grocery store so I figured the cheese was the free sample.”

“You know what happens when you FIGURE. You make a fig out of u and re!” The crowd that had gathered around the two agreed that was what happened when you figure. “Lady, you have to pay for these ruined cheeses and toothpicks!”

“What?!” The lady looked around like “Isn’t this crazy?” but the crowd just looked at her like “This ain’t crazy.” “I will not! The toothpicks aren’t even ruined. They’re still intact! All of this is insane. I just came here to buy a tub of pretzels.”

“Did you just call me a TUB OF PRETZELS?!” The man was livid. “I may be fat as fuck, but I’m not a tub of pretzels!” The man was fat, but not fat as fuck. Fat as hell, yes, but not as fuck.

The lady had had enough and tried to leave, but the grocery store manager stepped in before she could.

“What’s going on here?” asked the manager.

“This lady ruined a bunch of cheese and the toothpick samples!” The sample man had tears welling up in his eyes. Big, fat as hell tears.

“I can explain,” began the lady, but the manager butted in.

“No need to explain,” the manager said. She was very tall and that’s why she was the manager. “You’re free to go. Please, take any one item you’d like from the store as an apology for my employee’s actions.”

“Wow! Thanks! I’ll take a tub of pretzels.” The woman left to get her tub of pretzels.

“Why’d you let her off so easy?” asked the sample man.

The manager smirked. “Easy? The manufacturer just recalled all tubs of pretzels for containing anthrax. I was about to take them all off the shelves, but I think I’ll wait until Ms. Toothpick Ruiner gets hers first. Mwahahahahahaha!”

The sample man laughed with his manager. The crowd that was still standing around looked at each other like “Time to put back this tub of pretzels I have in my shopping cart,” except for one guy who was like “Free anthrax? Don’t mine if I do!”

Just another normal day at the grocery store.

Cashier Problem #27

When you can’t understand a single word that your customers are saying to you, so you just have to stand there and smile awkwardly, pretending you know exactly what they’re talking about.

Cashier Problem #13

When customers say things to you like, “Don’t look so excited!” or “Smile!” What do you want from me. I am standing here doing nothing other than serving ungrateful assholes who think of me as far less than human. Also, I don’t know many people who stand around at their jobs grinning in euphoric bliss. 

I do not want to be here. I will not stand here smiling. I will not stand here looking excited. Leave me alone about it.