who u should fight rvb freelancer version
  • York: York’s a great guy who could also probably like, rip you in half but tbh I feel like he’s that guy in the group who makes endless puns and dick jokes so, hey, punch him and then run away, lock a door behind you, and you’ll be fine. Fight York.
  • Carolina: I mean. I don’t know what show you’ve been watching, I really don’t. Jesus Horatio Christ on a popsicle don’t fight Carolina.
  • Washington: Wash has had the shittiest life ever. Of all time. Do not fight Wash give Wash chocolate and love.
  • South Dakota: True, South will rip you to tiny bitty little shreds, okay yeah but she got North killed and Theta lost and just... if you can fight South pls go for it
  • North Dakota: Why would you fight him. Why. North wants to give you a blanket and a cup of tea and talk about Grifball with you why would you fight him? Also if you did fight him he'd shoot you from three miles away. You're not nearly good enough to even get near him to actually fight him so don't bother. Don't fight North.
  • Maine: If you want death, then yes, fight Maine. But don't actually. Either he'd punch you once and you'd explode or he'd pick you up by the scruff of your neck and place you on a really high shelf or something. Don't fight Maine.
  • Wyoming: Please rip his mustache off. Fight Wyoming.
  • Florida: That's like the worst idea ever ok look Florida is a chill honestly nice dude who will slather you with compliments and mean them but you will not last 0.0002 seconds in a fight with him. Nah he isn't on the leaderboard but that's probably cos he's like, way too cool for that shit okay don't fight Florida. Let Florida hug you.
  • Iowa: why would you do that that's like fighting Caboose except a Caboose who's never killed anyone okay it's like fighting Caboose's more innocent twin if that's possible DON'T FIGHT IOWA
  • Georgia: Yeah go ahead fight Georgia he seems like a dick. Also he probably sucks I mean we all know what happened to Georgia you might even win. Fight Georgia.
  • Ohio: bruh don't fight Ohio, set Ohio up with Sherry
  • Idaho: ehhhhhhhhhhh I feel like that would be a dick move. Don't fight Idaho.
  • Utah: how can you fight utah you don't even know what utah looks like

It’s the Grifball championship! Before the game begins and the bagel bites come out of the oven, it’s a family card game~

Tucker keeps taking huge risks that don’t pay off. Sarge forgets the rules and curses loudly every time he makes a bad play (which is often). Wash is directly benefiting from this. Caboose also has no idea how to play but is somehow winning. Donut is Caboose’s personal hype squad.

Grav-Hammers and Grifshots

My darling friend @a-taller-tale asked me for some Carolina and Grif bonding over sweet weaponry, and I am so here for this you have no idea.

Pairings: None

Warnings: references to the Director’s suicide.


“Here,” Carolina said, tossing the alien gun back to Grif. “In one piece.”

Grif hugged it to his chest possessively, squinting at her. “So you’re done?”

“I found out what I needed to know,” she said. Her mouth was twitching slightly beneath her helmet.

“Stop laughing at me, lady, you don’t know what it’s like. Every time I get a new fucking badass weapon, it gets snatched away and I never see it again.”

“That’s not true,” she objected. “I’ve lost plenty of weapons.”

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what i know about RvB from tumblr, having never watched any of this show:

  • there are 2 teams (red and blue)
  • except there’s a dude that wears orange so im not so sure…
  • fight fight fight (kiss kiss kiss)
  • someone called church? he might be dead though
  • donut wears the pink but it’s actually lightish red
  • i think there are robots?? or AIs?? something like that
  • idk what it means but people say project freelancer a lot 
  • everyone seems to be named after a state
  • except grif who might have invented grifball but im not sure
  • everything is happy and then suddenly its sad
  • capture those flags
  • they live in a place called blood gulch which doesnt sound like a very nice place to live
  • ur favs will die
June 19th, 2016  (June fic-a-day)

It had been nearly 20 minutes since the last.  Probably any moment n–

A polite knock at the door.


North tightened the belt of his bathrobe, checked his pocket for tissues.  He walked to the door and it opened with a hiss of air.  

“Hey North! Feeling any better?”  Wash was standing in the hallway, a magazine tucked under his arm, and carrying a tupperware container.  “Brought you some soup.”  

North smiled.  “Thanks, Wash!”  His voice came out as barely a whisper, and trying to clear his throat didn’t help at all.  “That was really sweet of you.”

Wash handed him the container.  “It’s still warm.”

“I’ll have some right now then.”

North set the soup down on the small table he used for a desk, and went to grab a spoon.  He came back as Wash set down the magazine he’d been holding.  “This is for you, too. Thought you might like something to read.”  A small stack of other magazines on the desk caught his eye.  “Looks like you might have that covered though.  Some other people beat me to it?”  

“A few did.  But you brought the only ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ so far.”

“Well, glad to bring you something different at least.”  Wash leafed through the pile.  “I was trying to find you ‘Grifball Illustrated’, but I think I now understand why they didn’t have any left.”  

“Yeah, I’ve gotten a few.  You can take one back with you if you want.”  

“Sure, thanks!”  Wash snagged a copy and started to turn towards the door.  “I won’t keep you.  I just…remember how much it meant to me when you brought me soup when I was sick that time.  Just wanted to return the favour.”

“Thanks again Wash.  You really made my day.”

The door closed behind Wash and North sighed.  This was the twentieth gift of soup today.  He was going to have to stop being nice to people.  Kindness was repaid with kindness – and a fuckton of soup.  His tiny fridge was overflowing.  By tomorrow he was never going to want to eat chicken soup again.

North was about to get back into bed when he heard someone pound on his door.  

“Hey!  Asshole!  Open the door!  You’re probably swimming in soup by now, so I brought you some fucking popsicles.”  

North smiled gratefully.  Good ol’ South.

The One Thing We'll Remember

(South/CT post-Freelancer AU, mostly fluff, partially angst. For South Appreciation Week, geez I love her. 4200 words, T)


CT is standing on her front step at 4:30 in the morning for some goddamn reason. A huge backpack dwarfs her, but she’s carrying it like it weighs nothing. She’s also holding a six-pack of South’s favorite shitty beer.

“Aren’t you supposed to be dead?”

“Didn’t you used to sleep naked?”

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