“Sometimes there isn’t screaming anger or endless sorrow or a hurt that shakes your whole being. Sometimes there’s just quiet. An absence. A refusal of the mind to acknowledge any feeling at all.”

And this is still grief

So I was going back through all the diamond scenes ( ~for research~ ) and I noticed something interesting and sad.

As far back as her non-flashback introduction in “Steven’s Dream”, Blue Diamond refers to Pink Diamond by name.

In contrast, Yellow Diamond never says Pink’s name in the timeline proper. With Yellow, it’s always “she” or “her”.

This is a nice little detail that highlights the difference in how Blue and Yellow cope with their grief: Blue clings, Yellow erases. Blue is denial and depression, Yellow is anger and bargaining.

Then “Reunited” aired. Things changed.

Aside from Stevonnie’s “Jungle Moon” dream, this is the only time Yellow Diamond ever calls Pink Diamond by name. And this reference to her lost sister/daughter is accompanied by a miserable, crushing sense of guilt.

No wonder Yellow tries so hard to obscure Pink’s memory—to avoid every mention of her and what happened to her. She holds herself personally and exclusively responsible for Pink Diamond’s demise. The only way she can attempt to move on from her self-blame is to forget about Pink.

But she can’t. Her excuse to come to Earth may have been the Cluster, but the first thought of hers Steven accessed was about Pink Diamond. For a gem who has a lot on her mind constantly (and was in the middle of a battle), this suggests that she thinks about Pink way more often than she lets on.

You attend the funeral. You grieve. Then you continue with your life. And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. She is dead. You are alive. So live.
—  Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 6: Fables and Reflections

100 coping skills

My therapist gave me a list of 99 coping skills. I added one. I thought this may be helpful if you don’t have money for a therapist or need a way to cope with things going on.

1: excercise (run, walk, etc.)

2: put on fake tattoos.

3: write (poetry, journal entry, story, etc.)

4: scribble/doodle on paper.

5: be with other people

6: watch a favourite tv show.

7: post on web boards. Answer others posts.

8: go see a movie.

9: do a wordsearch or crossword.

10: do schoolwork.

11: play an instrument.

12: paint your nails, do your makeup or hair

13: sing.

14: study the sky.

15: punch a punching bag/pillow.

16: cover yourself with bandaids where you want to self harm.

17: let yourself cry.

18: take a nap.

19: take a hot/cold shower or relaxing bath.

20: play with a pet.

21: go shopping.

22: clean something.

23: knit or sew.

24: read a good book.

25: listen to music.

26: try some aromatherapy (candle, lotion, room spray, etc.)

27: meditate.

28: go somewhere very public.

29: bake cookies or other treats.

30: alphabetize your CDs/DVDs/VHSs/books/records.

31: paint or draw.

32: rip paper into itty bitty pieces.

33: shoot hoops, kick a ball.

34: write a letter or send an email.

35: plan your dream room (colours/furniture).

36: hug a pillow or stuffed animal.

37: hyperfocus on something like a rock or your hand.

38: dance.

39: make a hot chocolate, milkshake or smoothie.

40: play with modeling clay or play dough.

41: build a pillow fort.

42: go for a nice, long car ride.

43: complete something you’ve been putting off.

44: draw on yourself with marker.

45: take up a new hobbie.

46: look up recipes and cook a meal.

47: look at pretty things, like flowers or art. Examine them.

48: create or build something.

49: pray.

50: make a list of blessings in your life.

51: read the bible.

52: go to a friend’s house.

53: jump on a trampoline.

54: watch an old, happy movie.

55: contact a hotline/therapist.

56: talk to someone close to you.

57: ride a bicycle.

58: feed ducks, birds or squirrels.

59: colour with crayons.

60: memorize a poem, song or play.

61: stretch.

62: search for ridiculous things on the internet. (Example: *your name* the hedgehog)

63: “shop” online (without buying anything)

64: colour coordinate your clothes.

65: watch fish.

66: make a CD/playlist of your favourite songs.

67: play the “15 minute game” (avoid something for 15 minutes, when time is up start again)

68: plan your wedding/prom/other event.

69: plant some seeds;) (had to lol. But actually plant seeds. It helps.)

70: hunt for your perfect home or car online.

71: try to make as many words as possible with your first/middle/last name.

72: sort through your photos.

73: play with a ballon.

74: give yourself a facial.

75: find some toys and play with them.

76: start collecting something.

77: play video/computer/phone games.

78: clean up trash from your local park.

79: perform a random act of kindness for someone.

80: text or call a friend.

81: write yourself a ‘I love you because…’ letter.

82: look up new words and use them.

83: rearrange furniture.

84: write a letter to someone you may never send.

85: smile at at least 5 people.

86: play with little kids (cousins, siblings, etc.)

87: go for a walk (with or without friends. Find a cool place to hangout.)

88: put a puzzle together.

89: clean your room.

90: try to do handstands, cartwheels, etc.

91: yoga.

92: teach your pet a new trick.

93: learn a new language.

94: move EVERYTHING in your room to a new spot.

95: get together with friends and play sports. 96: hug a friend/family member. 97: search online for new songs/artists. 98: make a list of goals for the week/month/year/next 5 years. 99: face paint. 100: watch animal live streams on YouTube.

A miscarriage is a natural and common event.  All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t.  Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, so people imagine that a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. 

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now?  And she’ll know.

—  Barbara Kingsolver
A million words won’t bring you back,
I know because I tried.
Neither would a million tears,
I know because I cried.

Sometimes you have grief under control.

It lies low, under the radar, to where you no longer notice it.

Sometimes grief hits you like a fucking freight train.

You don’t know when it will happen. It could’ve been years since the last wave of it hit, but you are wracked with pain and sadness, until there’s nothing but numbness left.

—  A girl who was just hit by the freight train of grief
They say when you lose a loved one, it gets easier over time. I don’t think that’s true. It doesn’t get any easier, I think eventually you just learn how to live without them.
—  5/3/15 3:03pm