Last night, I spent way too long sorting most of the notable Fargo cast into Hogwarts houses. Surprisingly, for a show filled with cops and gutsy hired killers, I didn’t end up with a whole lot of Gryffindor representation. Here are the results!
*NOTE: I am aware that everyone won’t agree with these, so if you disagree on several points (or want to sort characters I didn’t bother with before I got bored, like Vern, Ida, Chaz, Kitty, et cetera), make your own lists and link them to me! I would LOVE to see fresh perspectives on this!
Molly Solverson: Our central hero is a big Hatstall. She’s smart, brave and ambitious…but her ambition is to do right by the people she’s sworn to protect, and her intelligence and bravery likewise fuel her intense sense of duty. She’s loyal, hard-working, kindhearted, and dedicated as all hell, and that’s more than enough to counter the way she can be a little insensitive on occasion. She’s eventually declared a Hufflepuff.
Gus Grimly: C'mon, this one is obvious. The Hat barely needs to brush his scalp before designating him a Hufflepuff.
Greta Grimly: She’s not afraid to stop wrongdoers herself if there’s no one to turn to for assistance, which makes her a clear candidate for Gryffindor.
Lou Solverson: He’s smart enough to know when to back out of law enforcement, clever enough to peg Malvo as dangerous almost immediately, and he continually dishes out wisdom for his only daughter. The Sorting Hat would have to take a few extra moments deciding between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, but in the end, he’s a Ravenclaw.
Lorne Malvo: Why can the human eye see more shades of green than any other color? Lorne is cunning, resourceful, well-connected and works only to further his personal ambitions. He’d immediately be recognized as an ideal Slytherin.
Wrench and Numbers: Are you thinking Slytherin for these guys, too? Think again! The deaf hit man who strongly believes that every town should have a library and his fellow hit man/interpreter are pure Ravenclaw.
Lester Nygaard: His ambitious nature was hidden for a long time under a veneer of haplessness and jus’ folks politeness, but once he throws that off, he’s all about what he wants and being sly enough to get it–even if it requires throwing everybody else to the wolves. He’s a Slytherin for sure.
Pearl Nygaard: Pearl sure as hell suffered a lot of fools, and not gladly. She’s smart enough to know something is off with her husband and witty enough to sting him for his shortcomings. Sadly, even being a Ravenclaw couldn’t help her to reason out exactly how messed up he was before it was too late (it’s okay, Pearl; nobody else saw it coming, either).
Linda Park: This Hufflepuff was so loyal and dedicated to her husband that she was willing to lie to the police for him, and that level of unquestioning trust in him sealed her fate.
Stavros Milos: Stavros would be a major Hatstall between Ravenclaw and Slytherin. On one hand, he’s an extremely ambitious and determined man; on the other, it took the brains to turn a random stroke of luck into a profit-maker that would establish him as such. In the end, he’s a Slytherin with some very strong Ravenclaw attributes.
Dmitri Milos: He doesn’t get to try on the Hat because he’s a Squib. He’s a fucking Squib and everyone knows it.
Don Chumph: Poor Don. He has definite ambitions for the future, and he’s more than willing to undertake shady methods and utilize even shadier contacts to guarantee his dreams will come true. He’s pretty dim, though, ensuring his plots never come to fruition. That makes him the kind of Slytherin that his housemates would be embarrassed to acknowledge as one of their own.
Gina Hess: She knows what she wants (her late husband’s life insurance money), and will do just about anything to get it, no matter how under-the-table. She’ll sic her thuggish sons on people who cross her, too, so she seems like a perfect Slytherin…but the Hat would eventually go with Gryffindor due to how absolutely ballsy and willful she is.
Bill Oswalt: Like poor Linda, Bill’s status as a Hufflepuff works against him–but in a different way. His old “boys’ club” loyalties run so deep and strong that he refuses to consider that anyone he likes might be capable of a crime, even when the evidence is staring him right in the face. This causes a lot of trouble for every good guy with half a brain, especially since the “hardworking” aspect of being a Hufflepuff seems to have passed him by entirely.
Bill Budge and Webb Pepper: These guys wouldn’t give the Sorting Hat too much trouble. Agent Budge, with his philosophical musings, is most certainly a Ravenclaw; Agent Pepper is less obvious, but in the end, he’d be slotted into Ravenclaw as well. He’s just an eagle of a different stripe than his partner.