The Joker x Reader - “How to make a baby”
The Joker really wants a baby and doesn’t know how to approach the subject. Last time you two talked about it your answer was an unmistakable no and he doesn’t take that kind of negative attitude from anybody, including his girl. Or so he likes to believe…
You are reading a book in front of the fireplace, sitting on the soft rug and leaning your back against the couch. The Joker is resting in his favorite armchair, reading articles about How to make your girlfriend happy on his cell. He wants to convince you to have a baby with him and things have to go the right way because he is aware he can’t force you on this one. J reads the list again and decides to try the stuff he found, maybe it will work.
1. Tell her you love her
He holds his phone with two fingers like it’s infected with some contagious virus, takes a deep breath and utters with emotionless voice:
“Pumpkin, I love you.” It sounded so cold, flatter than the flat green tea latte he orders from Starbucks all the time. He hates the taste but it’s green. Yeah, well… it makes sense to him.
“Awww, that’s nice J,” you mumble, not really paying attention. You always have to sift through what he says because he sure says a lot of things. Most of the times you just pretend to listen and find it easier to just go with the flow.
It didn’t seem you cared about his first effort and he passes his fingers through his hair, annoyed: “What a bunch of nonsense, who wrote this crap?! I should kill them,” he thinks to himself and notices there is/are no name(s) at the end of the article. Dammit, how is he supposed to punish the culprit if he doesn’t know who it is? That makes him even more irritated but decides to continue.
2. Tell her she’s beautiful
For this one J believes he needs to change spots so he comes on the couch behind you and sits so you are trapped between his legs. He starts massaging your shoulders, his gold bracelets clinking in your ears.
“Ahhh, it feels nice,” you whisper, closing your eyes, enjoying the relaxing moment.
“You’re such a pretty doll, Princess,” he leans over and tells you, waiting for a reaction. You take his hand and kiss his laughing mouth tattoo, then keep it on your face, going back to reading. That worked better, he smiles, satisfied with the accomplishment so he continues:
“Do you remember when we first met? You annoyed me so much at the meeting I followed you to your car because I wanted to kill you.”
You snort at the memory and turn the page:” Oh, yeah, how could I forget?”
“…and then I saw you bending over to reach your glove compartment with that short skirt and I realized you had no underwear on.”
“Excuse me?! I did have underwear on,” you protest, looking up to him.
“That little string doesn’t count,” he smirks and you slap his knee.
“Does to! Plus, I totally busted you staring. Are you enjoying the view, Mister J? “ you recall the question, amused.
“Remember what I answered? I would like it even better from the top.” You both start laughing like crazy; it sure was one of the most daring pickup lines you ever heard but it worked.
“Such a charmer, baby,” you sigh, chuckling, turning your attention towards your reading again.
“I know,” he has to admit, grinning. “ I sure felt I have to ask if you would like to go on a heist together sometimes.”
“ I was impressed with your approach on asking for a date so I said yes,” you rest your head on his knee, closing your book for a few moments. “It sure was lucky you had a robbery planned for that night, I never had so much fun on a first date,” you have to admit and The Joker’s heart beats faster, happy to hear the confirmation of his awesomeness. Man I’m good! he believes without hesitation and takes a quick glance at his cell again.
3. Buy her flowers
“Y/N, I got you flowers,” he boasts before he grasps the idea he didn’t get shit.
“Oh, did you? How sweet, I love flowers,” you admit, picking around to see where they are and it clicks for J: Fuck, I have none. “Ummm, I forgot them in my car, I’ll go get them,” he gets up and heads towards the elevator, not knowing how is going to pull this one off.
“Thank you, baby !“ he hears before the elevator’s door close. You move close to the fire, wondering why he’s behaving weird but you kind of like it.
On the way to the underground parking, he passes by Frost’s office and since he always has the door opened, J sees the huge bouquet of flowers on the coffee table, no doubt a gift for his girlfriend.
He shamelessly walks in, giving Jonny a mean look and growls:
“These are mine!” and yanks the bouquet away.
“Of course, sir,” Frost is fast in agreeing since he knows better than not to keep his mouth shut at his boss’s behavior.
“Here, for you Pumpkin,” J gives you the flowers, kissing you and you really feel excited.
“They look so beautiful, I’ll keep them by me for a while,” you determine with such a glowing smile it makes him intrigued: Why do women always like this stuff? It’s so stupid. He goes back to his spot behind you and starts playing with your hair. He thinks he got this so he begins talking:
“You know, Pumpkin, you’re only getting older and…”
“What?!” you snap, finally paying attention. “ You’re so rude!” you pout and move away from him, placing yourself on your tummy in front of the fireplace, slamming your book around before you calm down a bit. “You’re old!” you hiss at him over your shoulder and he deeply inhales, not understanding why the truth is upsetting you so much.
It’s finally time to glance at that list again because apparently going rogue on his own it’s not working too well.
4. Show interest in what she likes
J crawls down by your side and imitates your position, staring you down.
“What are you reading, Doll?”
“A book about villains,” you reply, frowning, bouncing your legs up and down.
“Am I in there?” he asks, getting closer to you and places his chin on your forearm.
“Nope,” you shortly answer, sniffling.
“I should be,” he states with confidence, pretending to read what you are.
You lift your shoulders up and try to ignore him. He takes a quick pick at the phone again.
5. Let her know you’re lucky to have her
“I’m the most important one around here but I guess you have your fair amount of usefulness,” he seductively mumbles, thinking it’s the best praise he came up with so far.
“Huh?” you get upset, turning towards him and watching his silver teeth shinning in the firewood light. “Shut up, J !” and you push him away, sulking.
What the hell?! I thought she will love this for sure.
“I guess what I’m trying to say, Princess, is that it’s OK having you around,” he corrects his earlier statement, hoping for a more positive outcome.
“Whatever,” you grumble while he slowly uses two fingers to walk down your back until he reaches your shorts.
6. Cuddle up with her at home
The Joker gropes you and uses you as an anchor while really shoving himself into you. Your hair being yanked in the process doesn’t make you receptive to his tactic.
“Ouch, what are you doing?” you look at him again, suspicious. “Are you trying to tell me you wanna have sex or something? Because you don’t need all this, I always want you,” you bitterly admonish him by admitting to the truth. It flusters you how you can’t fully hate him, at least not for long periods of time.
“I’m just trying to get in your pants, literally. Why are they so hard to pull down?” J tries again and no luck, blowing a rebel strand of green hair off his face, irked because he usually doesn’t have trouble undressing you.
“Wow, that’s why you’ve been acting awkward?” you finally smile, contemplating if you should still be mad or not.
“I was acting…normal,” he grunts, fighting with your shorts and it makes you snicker at his struggle.
“Which means weird for you,” you are fast to point out. “So what’s going on?”
“Dammit, stupid shorts!” he slaps your butt and you lift yourself up a little bit so he can finally succeed in his mission. “Ohhhh, strings again,” he delightfully growls, biting his lip.
“You know I always wear this kind of stuff because it apparently saved my life,” you roll your eyes, feeling there’s more to this behavior of his. “Hey, my eyes are up here!” you lift his chin up from your cleavage, interrupting his fun. “Tell me what’s going on.”
He takes a deep breath and swears he’s going to get rid of you if you don’t agree with him:
“Pumpkin, we should really have a baby.” And now he waits.
You stare at him without blinking for a few long seconds and it makes him uncomfortable. He never feels uncomfortable.
“Are you…are you for reals?!” you furrow your eyebrows, gasping.
“Yeah, we should have a baby, I told you before I want one,” he grinds his teeth and you sure don’t seem thrilled.
“Really???!!!! I told you I’m pregnant when you were sitting on your stupid armchair, playing on your stupid phone with something stupid for sure! You didn’t seem to care!!” you raise your voice, mad again.
His mouth just opens, he surely didn’t hear that, concentrating too much on the article that was supposed to get you to the point of wanting to have a baby.
“Oh my God, Princess, I’m gonna be a dad?!” he blurs out, his blue eyes lighting up in a way you didn’t see before and it kind of lowers your defense.
“I hope you’re going to be a better dad because as I boyfriend…I don’t know…”
He is not paying attention again.
“The Joker is gonna be a father,” he whispers, absent minded and you have to make him focus again:
“Do you still want to get in my pants or what?”
“Hey Princess!” he shouts from his desk and you turn around in the same time with your 5 year daughter that’s playing on the ground with her toys: “Yes, Daddy?” she giggles and J starts laughing in his crazy way that would normally make people cringe. The two of you are so used to it you don’t even care.
“Come sit in Daddy’s lap, would you?” he gestures and you head over with Evie running in front of you wanting to be first one. She gets on his left knee and you sit on his right one.
“Which one of us, baby?” you pull on his hair, aggravated.
He smirks, gratified on how sneaky he can be:
“Does it matter? I got you both trained!”
“Did you hear that, Evie? Daddy got us trained. What do we do when Daddy is being a smart-ass, hmmm?” you kiss her forehead and she charges at his neck, screaming:
“We bite him!!!”
“Ahhh, good girl,” you snarl, watching The Joker squirm and snicker under attack while reaching for the book you set on his desk earlier.
“Did you have time to look at this?” you ask him while he has fun with Evie and he nods no, whimpering at the small teeth grazing his skin. “Here”, you open the book in the middle, showing him what you customized for him online. “ I got you a whole chapter in the villains book, wrote it myself. This way you don’t have to wait until you die like the others.”
His eyes get big and he grins, so pleased with what you did.
“Daddy, play with me!” Evie tugs on his shirt when she notices he is paying attention to something else. She starts bouncing in his lap, impatient and you get up.
“You did this for me, Doll?”
“Oh, yeah, because I really want to get in your pants tonight. Literally,” you whisper in his ear, biting his neck too.
You’ve been making out for 10 minutes now when he stops for a few seconds to unexpectedly say: “ I love you, Pumpkin” with that emotionless tone he uses when he’s at a loss of understanding his own complicated emotions.
“Aww, that’s nice, “ you snuggle more to him and he continues: “You’re such a beautiful doll, Princess.”
“Y/N, I got you flowers,” he moans while pulling down your bra straps. It suddenly clicks for you and you get off him, panicked.
“Oh, no! No, no, definitely not!” you back out, heading for the door.
“What?” he pretends to be all innocent. “We should have another kid, look how cute Evie is.”
“Out of the question, you know I had a horrible pregnancy,” and you run out of the door when he stands up to follow you, fed up with your rebellion. You lock yourself in the bedroom that’s the furthest from your daughter’s room so you won’t wake her. The Joker comes and softly knocks on the door, amazed he’s not pissed yet:
“ Y/N, open up! What are you going to do? You’ll never sleep with me again?!”
You debate, thinking of all the fun you have all the time, that’s why you sound doubtful when you reply:
“Open the door, don’t make me mad! Daddy wants you! Or do I have to find myself another woman?” he bangs his head against the door, sighting.
“NO!!!” you kick the door from the
other side, gulping. “That’s blackmail, J, it’s not fair!”
“This is what we do, Doll, you don’t like it when you are the lucky recipient?”
“NO!!!” you pout, kicking the door again. “I don’t like it!”
“Open up, yes? I want to get in your pants!” he tries the strategy and he hears you snicker. I didn’t lose my touch, he compliments his skills to his own self.
“I don’t have any pants on,” you crack the door open, hating yourself for wanting him so much.
He rests his head on the wood frame for a little bit before pushing his way in.
“Even better, makes it easier,” The Joker grins, slowly closing the door behind him.
Also read: MASTERLIST