Who You Should Fight: Greek Gods Edition
  • Zeus:Don't fight Zeus. You'll only end up sleeping with him. On second thought, do fight Zeus.
  • Hera:Look, I'm not saying anyone is really going to try to stop you, but I am saying she is petty as shit and will dedicate the rest of your life to destroying you in other ways. Your call.
  • Poseidon:You could probably fight Poseidon. Dude is built like a brick shithouse but he'd think it was a good time and buy you a beer afterwards.
  • Demeter:Are you fucking kidding? She created a new season the last time someone really pissed her off. Do not fucking fight Demeter.
  • Hades:Fight Hades, but only in spring, and then ask to see pictures of his dog.
  • Hestia:Are you Satan
  • Aphrodite:Arguably the lowest reward to risk ratio on this list. What is even the point here. Might as well save us all some time and punch yourself in the groin.
  • Athena:If you must, a sneak attack is required, and even then you’re still probably boned. Alternately, distract her first with statements such as "Mozart is an overrated hack" and "Garfield is not funny."
  • Hephaestus:You could beat Hephaestus. You could not beat Hephaestus' robot army. Do not fight Hephaestus.
  • Ares:Absolutely fight Ares. This is a no-brainer. Literally everyone wants you to kick Ares' ass including Ares. You might feel bad when he starts crying but only if you are weak.
  • Artemis:Do not fight Artemis. Do not talk to Artemis. Do not look at Artemis. Do not think about Artemis.
  • Apollo:What did I just fucking say
  • Hermes:You could beat him if you could catch him, but you can't, and even if you did, he would convince you to talk it out instead, buy you a drink, and be gone before you noticed your wallet was missing. Avoid.
  • Dionysus:Dionysus is an easy fight until he decides not to be. You could fight Dionysus but under no circumstances force him to give a shit.
  • Persephone:Don't fight Persephone. She will beat you up. Her mom will beat you up. Her husband will probably also be unpleasant and disapproving in some way. Listen to trash pop with Persephone instead.
  • Hebe:Idk man, she bites.
  • Iris:Yo have you ever tried to punch a rainbow?
  • Heracles:Dude has seen some shit. You may think you're bad enough but you really aren't. There is literally no way this could end well for you. Do not fight Heracles.

anonymous asked:

whoa ok step back, daedalus built a cow suit for a woman who wanted to fuck a bull and that's why the minotaur WAS A THING? I DID NOT KNOW THIS

I honestly think that I’d be doing you a great disservice if I didn’t tell you about the time Daedalus enabled rampant bestiality, so allow me to clear this gap in your knowledge. 

Anyone who doesn’t want to read a poorly retold myth about a man who built a cow suit so realistic that it totally fooled a magic bull into laying down some absolutely quality homo-bovine dick and siring a minotaur should probably press J on their keyboard right now, but honestly if that synopsis doesn’t do it for you then you should probably just quit Greek mythology all together.

So, Minos is this guy who manages to achieve the dual feat of being both King of Crete and an incorrigible asshole. Also, the first achievement is a really tenuous one, because Minos has like a billion brothers and he’s basically Malcolm in the Middle and all his brothers are better looking than him and they have way better abs and it’s really awkward every year at Christmas because they’re all “could you pass the stuffing, Minos? Also you’re totally stuffed because I’m going to be king one day haha suck it, right on” and so Minos starts to get really worried that he’s going to lose the throne to one of his more lustrous-locked brothers and then he’ll be stuck with just the one achievement of being an incorrigible asshole and so he has a little brood and he comes up with a plan. 

One day, he goes up to Poseidon, god of the sea and all things wet (or at least that’s what he tells girls at the Olympus nightclubs) and he’s like “hey, Poseidon, could you do me a solid?” and Poseidon is like “no bro but I can do you a liquid” and they have a little manly giggle and then Minos says “no but really, I need a favour” and Poseidon is like “well, you just gave me a golden opportunity to mock the states of matter, I’m 100% up for doing any favour you want” and Minos says “well, you know how I have loads of brothers” and Poseidon is like “you mean the better looking ones?” and Minos pouts and says “looks aren’t everything, but yes, those ones” and Poseidon is like “go on” and Minos says “well, I need them to stop trying to steal the throne because it’s getting really annoying and also I can’t sleep at night any more and it’s driving my hot wife insane, could you maybe show that you totally support me being King of Crete? That way, they’ll definitely stop being dicks at Christmas” and Poseidon just nods and says “I have a great idea for how I can do this”

and Minos is like “wow, are you going to send down an army of merpeople and slaughter all my brothers in a righteous and watery battle?” and Poseidon is like “no” and Minos says “are you going to conjure up a giant tidal wave and make it destroy all my brothers’ homes but leave my palace totally intact?” and Poseidon is like “no” and Minos says “well, are you going to turn all my brothers into mermen?” and Poseidon is like “look, I’m going to send you a bull”

and Minos just blinks and says “a bull” and Poseidon nods and grins and says “yes, a bull” and Minos says “THAT’S bull” and Poseidon points behind him and says “no, THAT’S a bull” and then he brings out this fucking phenomenal bull. Like, this bull puts all other bulls to shame. It’s glowing white and it’s as big as two ordinary bulls and probably twice as virile. It’s basically overcompensation in taurine form. Anyway, this bull is so bitchin’ that immediately, all of Minos’ brothers are like “wow, nope, you can keep that throne, we don’t want Poseidon to sic his sick bull on us” and basically Minos lives happily ever after with his incredible bull.

Until eventually Poseidon shows up at Minos’ palace and says “hey, Minos, you know that really awesome bull I lent you a while back?” and Minos is like “what bull” and Poseidon is like “the magical snow white bull which gleamed in the Cretan sun like limestone and Apollo’s cheekbones” and Minos is like “oh, THAT bull” and Poseidon is like “yes, that bull, now where is it because I’m having a bull party next week and I really want it back” and Minos says “well, here’s the thing, and it’s kind of a funny story really and I’m sure we’ll laugh about it later, maybe we could even laugh about it now, ha, but anyway all jokes aside I’m keeping the bull” and Poseidon is all “like fuck you’re keeping that bull, it’s my best bull, this is bullshit” and Minos is like “that’s one of the hazards of keeping a bull, maybe you’re not cut out for it” and Poseidon says “you haven’t heard the end of this, Minos, you have made a very powerful and watery enemy” and he leaves and Minos goes and, like, pets the bull or something, I don’t know what you do with bulls.

So, Poseidon goes back to his soggy lair and formulates a plan, and he eventually comes up with something straight out of Quentin Tarantino’s brie-induced nightmares. He goes to find Aphrodite, the goddess of love and afternoon delight, and says “hey Aphrodite, first of all you look delectable and secondly I need you to help me make a woman bang a bull” and Aphrodite is like “I honestly hate this job sometimes, but you’re right, I do look delectable, tell me more” and Poseidon is like “I had this really sweet bull and I lent it to Minos so he would think I liked him and now he won’t give it back and so I need you to make his wife fall in love with the bull, it’s a foolproof vengeance plan” and Aphrodite says “you are a god” and Poseidon says “yes” and Aphrodite says “why can’t you just, you know, take back the bull with your divine power?” and Poseidon is like “look, are you going to make this woman fall in love with the bull or not” and Aphrodite is like “fuck yes, that sounds hilarious, consider it done and I want front row seats” and Poseidon is like “you are my favourite niece and occasional lover, I owe you one”

Back to the palace at Crete, where Minos’ wife, Pasiphaë, is lounging about on a contemporary equivalent to a chaise-lounge when she suddenly gets this unmistakable urge to do the do with a bull - but not just any bull, her loins quiver only for the bull in her husband’s barnyard. Instead of doing what most people would do when they realise they have an insatiable urge to make tender love to a bull and immediately committing herself to months of therapy, she thinks “I know what I have to do” and she picks up the contemporary equivalent of a phone and calls Daedalus, inventor and architect extraordinaire.

She’s all “hey, Daedalus, we have patient confidentiality, right?” and Daedalus is like “I’m not your doctor, so no” and she’s like “well, I’m your Queen, so how about you say ‘yes’ instead and I tell you what I want?” and Daedalus is like “my lips are sealed, tell me what you need” and she’s all “well, there’s this really rad guy and I totally want to just lay him down and lick chocolate sauce off his body, but there’s a hitch in my plan” and Daedalus says “yeah, you’re married” and Pasiphaë says “yes, and also he’s a bull” and Daedalus is like “do you mean he’s well hung or” and Pasiphaë is like “look man you gotta help me on this, I need me some sweet bullocking and only you can help me” and Daedalus says “I’ll do what I can, but I hope you have a damn good shower at your palace because I may need to use it for about 6 weeks afterwards” and she’s like “done, now get over here and get me some”

So Daedalus turns up and helps her, and in the blink of an eye, he’s built her this monstrous wooden cow suit. Now, the myth is not exactly clear on the mechanics of this bovine sex toy, but it’s established that Pasiphaë gets into the cow suit and goes to find her bullock beau and they make sweet, sweet cattle love all day and all night. I do not know how she manoeuvres herself inside this wooden furry abomination and frankly I do not want to know, but whatever she does is 100% successful because 9 months later she gives birth to another furry abomination. The good news is that he’s a healthy, bouncing baby boy. The bad news is that he is half baby and half bull and also he has this really annoying habit that most newborns don’t have of eating people, which means that Minos is the definition of Not Impressed with his new stepson, so he does what any sane human would do in this situation, and he calls Daedalus. 

Daedalus says “I’m in the shower, what do you want?” and Minos is like “look, my wife has committed a slight indiscretion and I need you to take care of the result” and Daedalus is like “she fucked a bull and she’s had a grotesque hybrid baby, hasn’t she” and Minos narrows his eyes and says “how do you know?” and Daedalus says “just a stab in the dark, mate, I had no hand in this at all, literally none, just let me wash my hands a minute and I’ll be right back” and Minos is like “just build something to trap that devil spawn, because it’s started to eat my servants and I never even wanted a stepson anyway, it’s just one more claim to the throne isn’t it” and Daedalus is like “dude, give me a week and it’ll be done”

and so Daedalus constructs this impenetrable labyrinth that’s so impregnable that Daedalus nearly gets lost on the way out, and they lob the minotaur tot right into the middle of it, and that’s that.

Except then the minotaur starts demanding the sacrifice of seven young men every year, who are tossed into the labyrinth and forced to play a fatal game of cat and mouse with a grotesque superpowered man-bull creature that will ultimately devour them, flesh from bone, at the heart of a labyrinth that only he can navigate, but that’s a story for another myth. Or The Maze, starring Dylan O’Brien, out in a multiplex near you.

Keep reading

greek myth asks
  • zeus:if you could have one power, what would it be?
  • poseidon:do you prefer the ocean or land?
  • apollo:what are your favorite pieces of poetry?
  • aphrodite:do you believe in true love?
  • athena:what are your favorite classic novels?
  • ares:are you a confrontational person?
  • artemis:do you prefer night or day?
  • hera:who makes up your tumblr family?
  • hestia:where do you live or want to live?
  • demeter:do you enjoy nature?
  • persephone:what's your favorite season?
  • hades:do you believe in an afterlife?
  • hephaestus:what do you enjoy making?
  • hermes:where do you want to travel that you've never been before?
  • odysseus:what's your favorite place to travel?
  • echo:what's something you can't stop talking about?
  • narcissus:what's your best trait?
  • icarus:what's your fatal flaw?
  • orpheus:what's your favorite song or type of music?
  • eurydice:what's something you regret?
6

THE MODERN OLYMPIANS (females & males)

There is something dangerous about a teenage goddess. These abnormal, peculiar youths. One possesses a skilled tongue, silky and delicious, yet so dangerous, curled in a pool of poison. Another only wakes at the howling of her huntresses and another could make the world quake, her wit as her only weapon. One is beautiful and indispensable, she feeds the world with lies and burning ashes. Another tie souls to each other, leaving them to rot and decay together until only one survives and another became so sad and overpriced that she became something no one could receive, no one deserved. These girls were queens, rulers amongst men and feral beings that slowly learned, by the centuries, how to tame their darkness.

Advice From the Greek Gods
  • Aphrodite:beauty can be a weapon or a curse. It is up to you to decide how to use it. If you use it to your advantage, you can destroy cities, create wars, cause chaos. Look what happened because of Helen of Troy. But beauty will never make someone love you. Beauty only sparks desire, never love.
  • Apollo:music is important. It can heal and energize you. Take time out of your day to turn your favourite music on or try something new. Pick up an instrument, you may want to try to make your own music. Sit in the sun, with the light on your face, and relax.
  • Ares:you will always be able to fight. You will always have victories, whatever the size. They may be as small as getting out of bed in the morning when depression pressures you to stay in. We all have the strength to continue on and fight the battles set before us.
  • Artemis:do not be afraid of the night. The moon and the stars are always with you, even if you cannot see them. Remember the things that go bump in the night are only animals, an owl hunting or a raccoon scavenging. Animals are living things, with the same fears as humans, and they are to be respected.
  • Athena:wisdom is not always found in books and can be scored by tests. You are not stupid. You know more about something than your teachers and professors, whether it be your favourite sport or video game. Though you may feel like what you are learning may be useless now, it may be useful eventually. Knowledge is power in whatever form. Seize what you can and never give it back.
  • Demeter:enjoy nature. Go for walks in the woods during a hot afternoon to be cooled by the shade the trees will give you. Dig your toes into the sand on a beach and watch the sunset. Eat organic, delicious fruit and let the juices drip down your chin like you are a child again. Respect the earth and it will respect you.
  • Dionysus:sometimes you have to let go. Take a step back from the stresses of life and let yourself have fun. Go with your friends to that new club that opened downtown, dance the entire night until you have blisters on your feet, and drink as much as you want, even if that means your friends have to drag you home in a cab. Being able to forget, if only for a short time, is therapy in itself.
  • Hades:do not be afraid of death. It comes to us all. Death is not cold. It is peace and resolution. It is much needed rest after a long day of labor. It is coming home after a lifetime of struggles. Accept it but do not forget to cherish life while you have it.
  • Hephaestus:being able to work with your hands is a gift. It might be fixing cars or it could be creating beautiful art, it does not matter. If you like your gift, pursue it at all costs and never let other people try to hold you back from it. You are not crippled, you are not helpless, and they do not have that kind of power over you.
  • Hera:family is something that does not last forever. Love them if they are good to you, but even family can be toxic. No one deserves to have toxic people in their life even if they are blood. Never forget that you can create a family of your own.
  • Hermes:travel the world. See as much as you can, try exotic foods, give gifts to people with no regards to the cost, learn jokes in foreign languages, play tricks on your friends, and experience everything life has to offer. It is vital to be knowledgeable about the world around you, and even more to be able to experience it firsthand.
  • Hestia:find your home and place in the world. A home could be found with a person, or your family, or your childhood house, or somewhere on the opposite side of the globe. When the traveling is over and you are weary, you will want a familiar bed to crawl into and a space to call your own. You will know it in your bones when you have found your true home. Keep your hearth burning and take in those in need.
  • Poseidon:the ocean is not something to be trifled with. It is fierce storms and unknown creatures hiding in its darkest depths, but it is also a glittering mirror and lapping waves against a sandy shore. The beauty and ferocity of the ocean goes unparalleled throughout the world. Keep both of those in mind, or it may swallow you whole.
  • Zeus:having power over others is a serious responsiblity. It is not everything, either. Gaining power should not be a goal or an obsession. The power of the heavens could back you but it does not make people truly loyal or trustworthy. They can slip a dagger between your ribs when you turn your back. If you do possess some power, respect and honor your subjects and treat them as equals. After all, you are human too.
My Classical Mythology Professor

“Hephaestus is really great. I mean, he only ever really does that one little thing of molesting his newly born sister, but other than that he’s cool.”

“Apollo’s just a sociopath, and a loser version of Zeus, really.”

“So either Helen falls in love with Paris, which she doesn’t want to do, or Aphrodite ships her off to Egypt to get a master’s degree in pharmacology.”

“Whenever Achilles had a problem, he’d just run home crying to his mom. His mom always had the same advice: stop fighting, eat, have sex with a woman. He only ever did the first thing, which is probably why he got killed.”

“Basically, Apollo got mad at a bunch of people for not having sex with him and they ended up worse off - mostly turned into plants, for some reason.”

“Cassandra turned Apollo down since she held a vow of chastity, but of course Apollo took it personally and cursed her.”

“You can always pick out Odysseus in pictures ‘cause he’s always wearing a stupid little hat.”

“The gods tend to have these conflicting powers or personality types. Ares, super feared by mortals and always bloody and angry, is basically the fool of the gods. Zeus, almighty king of the gods, is completely helpless when it comes to his libido.”

“So Brad Pitt spends nine years in the harem - you’ve all seen 300 right? I always picture Achilles as Brad Pitt now. Anyway, Brad Pitt’s in the harem, bored out of his mind for 9 years cause he’s already been trained for hero stuff at Chiron’s hero academy…”

“So Orlando Bloom is just moping in his room while the Greeks are camping outside of Troy, and Hector finds him and is like, ‘Come on, Paris, this whole war is because of you!’”

“Have you all seen the Disney version of Hercules, where Hades is super evil and angry? Yeah, that’s not really right. Hades was more like the weird, basically harmless brother of Poseidon and Zeus.”

“I love this vase of the Underworld, it really shows the relationship between Hades and Persephone. I mean, Persephone’s standing there like ‘Whip that guy more! Punish him less! Stop slacking!” and Hades’ is just lounging on the chair like, “Darling, how about a roast for dinner?”

“The thing is, Oedipus tried really hard not to kill his father and marry his mother!”

2
the golden twins ; apollo & artemis

« the sun and the moon. dearest brother and sister, opposites and incomplete. their love for each other is brutal, yet hidden under a veil of stars. they rarely agree on anything, really. one shining bright in the sky, the other guiding lost souls in the dark. but you know what they say about twins; they are two sides of the same coin. a golden coin. »

Of Myth and Legend → Hecate

Hecate is the Greek goddess of the crossroads. She is most often depicted as having three heads; one of a dog, one of a snake and one of a horse. She is usually seen with two ghost hounds that were said to serve her. Hecate is most often mispercepted as the goddess of witchcraft or evil, but she did some very good things in her time. One such deed was when she rescued Persephone, (Demeter’s daughter, the queen of the Underworld and the maiden of spring), from the Underworld. Hecate is said to haunt a three-way crossroad, each of her heads facing in a certain direction. She is said to appear when the ebony moon shines. (x)

2
HADES and PERSEPHONE

asked by mysteriousbooklover

king and queen; crown and sword; ruler and beloved. there were things looming in the underworld. souls amongst corpses and flowers amongst ruins. a somber kingdom built in cold bone and black ashes. it was often called « the kingdom where nothing was born », where light never dared to set a foot. well, that is, until persephone. because the day persephone set foot on this burnt bewitched ground, the day she held the ruler’s heart in her palm, almost burning at the warmth of her sun-kissed skin, a flower bloomed under her feet.”

2

Hecate was a goddess in Greek mythology, considered to be the goddess of magic and witchcraft. She was often depicted holding two torches or a key. She was the daughter of the Titans Perses and Asteria, and she was honoured in the households as a protective goddess who brought prosperity.