greatest apology

anonymous asked:

Has Batman ever had encounters with Harley and Ivy as Bruce Wayne? Would he ever try using that part of his identity to help them or any other of his rogues, for things like trying to start a new life away from villainy and such?

Someone was in Bruce Wayne’s office, and there was no graceful way to avoid them without making it obvious that he knew they were in there. There was a smell in the air like mulch and roses.

He had no frame of reference for what would constitute a normal amount of things to notice, and so chose to err on the side of oblivious moron.

If there’d been a smell like marzipan dipped in bleach, he might have chosen differently.

“Heya, Mister Wayne,” Harley Quinn greeted, sitting on his desk. She waved as much with her feet as her hands. He closed the door behind him.

Bruce considered his response. Hopefully his momentary indecision with regard to his facial expression could pass for surprise, or confusion, or fear. “Hello, Dr. Quinzel.”

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m not with Jay no more.”

“She’s with me,” Poison Ivy said.

“Hello, Dr. Isley.”

“I really prefer Ivy.”

“Dr. Ivy,” he corrected.

“Doncha love the way he says doctor?” Harley asked Ivy.

“Charming,” Ivy said. She did not sound charmed.

“I told her we oughta come talk to ya,” Harley explained, “on account of you’re a real nice guy an’ all.”

“Thank you?”

“I was just going to kill you,” Ivy added.

“Thank you. For not doing that.”

“Isn’t he just like a puppy?” Harley asked, pressing her hands to her cheeks.

“You can’t keep him.”

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                      ( ~ ♫ Everything concealed under the cut~!  ♫ ~ )

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Miscellaneous Batman headcanons as relate to my little fic universe, that may or may not ever come up because who knows:

  • In general when it comes to Billionaire Playboy Bruce Wayne people go in one of two directions. Either he is the mysterious eccentric always galavanting around and seeing him at a party is like a Bigfoot sighting, or he is obnoxious and spoiled but people let him get away with it because he has money. But then it’s always a plot point that he is surrounded by vapid gold diggers?? I call bullshit, maybe Bruce Wayne is actually a really nice guy and he’s charming and charismatic and people think he is kind of naive, and maybe his smiles don’t always reach his eyes but maybe he just seems kind of lonely and people appreciate that he makes the effort. Maybe the women of Gotham are not all money-grubbing and shallow and actually recognize a good guy when they see one.
  • That actually will definitely come up but it’s still on the list because it relates to the next bullet point.
  • Models! In general models start working at 16 and are done when they’re 23. Modeling is an industry full of very young girls getting chewed up and spit out and sorry but you will never convince me that Batman would take advantage of that even under the guise of Billionaire Bruce Wayne. If you are a model and you meet Bruce Wayne he will be nice and he will be respectful and honestly he will act like a protective older brother and it’s just??? Such a change of pace???? He’s so nice????? And if they aren’t happy with their agency maybe he will direct them to some Wayne Enterprises subsidiary, and maybe when some photographer is being a skeeve they let him know and he never works in that town again, and maybe if they end up needing to go to rehab he pays for it because he can afford it and actually he owns the rehab center and also he is the sweetest man alive. So maybe when they need a plus one to a fashion event, they invite Bruce Wayne because they know he won’t take advantage, and maybe Bruce has a list of women and their interests so if he needs a plus one and he knows Anita loves the ballet he will call her up and they will go and they will mostly talk about her new cat because his name is Chairman Meow and she loves him the most. And when people ask later if she totally banged Bruce Wayne she says yes, it was awesome, his dick was huge, because idk man sometimes when a guy is nice you just tell people that as a courtesy. Then at parties Bruce Wayne is just surrounded by models and everyone shakes their heads and tsks about it while they ask him how he’s been and show him pictures of their cats.
  • Which is not to suggest that maybe when they are older and in a more stable place in their lives they do not actually bang Bruce Wayne because they probably do. Who wouldn’t???
  • One day some little girl is worried that Batman might skip her neighborhood and she decides the best way to make sure he shows is to leave some cookies on the roof of her building because if it’s good enough for Santa then why not Batman? But she’s like six so of course they are basically inedible and they’re supposed to look like bats but they kind of just look like poorly drawn distant seagulls and she leaves them out with a note like “For Batman only do not touch!!” and in the morning they are gone and she is satisfied that Batman has been patrolling to keep her safe. And eventually all the kids are doing this in Gotham and it’s just a whole buffet of confusingly-shaped poorly-made attempts at cookies (you have to make them yourself the children decide because when you are a kid it is important to have Rituals). Eventually Batman can tell which neighborhoods are having the most trouble based on density of cookies per block. He doesn’t actually eat them because he does not want to get food poisoning and at least once he’s pretty sure those were made of Play-Doh but he takes them anyway because he knows it helps kids feel safe.
  • A criminal tries to leave out poison cookies once but not only does he not eat them, it is immediately obvious what’s going on because these actually look like food.
  • If the cookies are still there in the morning the children all have a crisis because something is wrong with Batman and the religious kids pray and the nonreligious kids do weird superstitious shit that they have convinced themselves is helpful.
  • Kids love Batman okay especially little girls, as a little girl who loved Batman I can confirm.
  • Some of them probably leave out drawings and he keeps them in the Batcave sorry these are just Facts.
  • Bruce Wayne’s doctor is paid a fortune to make housecalls and she is well aware by now that he is Batman, but she lets him claim he was bungee jumping or whatever the fuck it is he thinks is plausible because she knew his father and she remembers when he was a cute kid and honestly who even cares.
  • Bruce Wayne’s dentist has also figured out that he is Batman because jesus fucking christ we just replaced those crowns what are you even DOING to your TEETH half of these are just implants now you are going to need dentures by forty please god just wear a fucking mouthguard draw some scary fangs on it if you have to like he appreciates how much money he is making replacing this man’s teeth but even he has limits
  • Bruce Wayne’s personal accountant has also figured him out because his money just falls into a goddamn non-deductible pit and he kept trying to lie about it and then changing the lie around when he realized the answer he was giving impacted his return and I’m sorry Bruce I might not be rich but even I know that you probably did not spend several million dollars this year on cheesecakes covered in gold leaf and you accidentally filed a project cost analysis for a stealth jet in with your receipts but lucky for you I am NICE and I shredded it for you and also those projections were poorly done so hit me up if you want someone who actually knows how regression works buddy
  • Catwoman never tries to rob Bruce Wayne because cats know that he is a cool guy. Actually it’s Batman that is always nice to cats but they smell the same so the cats don’t know the difference. They’re just like naw girl, that territory belongs to a friend of cats, don’t trespass unless it is for scritches because that guy gives some good scritches.
  • Robin eats one of the batcookies once and regrets it for the rest of the night. Don’t eat cookies left outside by small children. Just don’t.
  • Bruce Wayne got a JD/MBA and graduated at the top of his class, I know people like the idea of dropout Bruce Wayne backpacking around and learning to punch people but he also does not want to tank his father’s company or let criminals escape justice through Bat-shaped loopholes?? He probably went to Yale and took max credits every semester and spent all his time studying and working out and then went off in summers to learn new and exciting ways to punch a dude. He had no social life he slept like six hours max every night and he ruined the curve for everyone, what a dick.
The Girl Next Door

@eggsterminate10 asked: First I just want to say your work is amazing! I could totally see you as a full fledged author or something, so keep on doing what you’re doing! Second could I request a modern sort of girl next door Kylo Ren/ reader where he’s Hux’s roommate and a new girl who’s moved to the area for baking and pastry school just kind of turns him into a love struck idiot! Even if you can’t do it, like I said keep on doin what you’re doin! (ღ•͈ᴗ•͈ღ)

Author: Zoe

(A/N: This is such a cute idea! Thank you for suggesting it, it was super fun to write! :3c)

Plot Summary: Moving into a new place all on your own can be pretty damn nerve-wracking, since you were living there in order to attend the nearby culinary school. However, some stress was resolved when your new neighbor was willing to help you move in after you nearly fell over from the sheer weight of the box filled with various kitchen gadgets. Learning that his name is Kylo Ren, living with Hux, a rather strict and stoic roommate, you decide to send them a basket of cookies as a greeting, hopefully to make a good first impression. With Kylo, however, you’ve made a more than memorable impression in his mind.

Warning: Light Swearing

Originally posted by knights-of-kylo-ren

The big city.

Sure it was tough, intimidating, and downright scary coming from a small suburbia, but when you want something, you’ll do whatever it takes to get it, right?

The culinary college in the city was one of the most prestigious in the country, and there was no way in hell that you were going to pass up such a huge opportunity.

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💋// Just so you’re all aware, I’m going out of town for about 3-4 days and I probably won’t be online a whole lot - long-ish replies are queued to post once a day, so those will still be running, but aside from probably IMing a handful of people & maybe getting some short replies done sporadically, I won’t be too available.

When people ask what my greatest fear is, I tell them wasps. It’s easier that way, because no one asks what I did to provoke the wasp or why I’m not grateful for the wasp. Instead they grimace in sympathy and ask, “Did you get stung as a kid?” and the answer for both the wasp and my mother is, “Yes.”
—  Posted by Anonymous
THIS WEEK HATES ME

Well my stomach bug has finally won the ongoing battle and spewed its victory all over my toilet. YES MY LIFE IS EVERY BIT AS GLAMOUROUS AS THAT SOUNDS.

Between this, allergies, and what I believe is Current Event Stress Which Better Not Be Giving Me An Ulcer I Swear To Fucking God, I’m not feeling particularly funny or insightful (or conscious) at the moment. Much as I hate to do it twice in one week, with greatest apologies, I’m going to have to skip the manga liveblog today.

WE HAVE SUNDAY THOUGH. MANGA AND MURDERDOLL, EVERYTHING WILL BE AWFUL.

And I’ll do my best to start nice and early on Sunday so we have the whole morning and afternoon to get through as many Acts as possible.

ALSO YES I WILL GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR TONIGHT

PSA

It’s been brought to my attention that Dirty Laundry is enforcing negative stereotypes about Latinx and Mexican culture. And after much thought, I’ve decided that I completely agree. I’ll admit, I’m ignorant. I’m white, and that right there is proof that I am out of my element. While I did do research on some things, I definitely didn’t do enough research on other things. I was naive, I am naive, and I was somewhat caught up in this fame of a fanfic that I posted purely for fun.

This is my sorry to all the Mexican and Latinx readers who were hurt by Chapter 9 (or honestly any chapter in general.)

I’m extremely sorry, and you all deserve the greatest apology.

The ‘Gasolina’ and ‘La chancla’ mentions were disrespectful, and although at the time that didn’t process in my mind, I now recognize that they are incorrect. I can guarantee you that I never, never meant to be harmful. It was me being arrogant, and insensitive, and not thinking things through. However, that is absolutely no excuse, and I’d really like to face the consequences.

At first I debated stopping Dirty Laundry altogether. I have hurt too many people, and I fear that if I continue to write it’ll go wrong and only hurt more people. However, due to the fanfiction’s popularity and the joy it’s brought readers, I won’t. However, I’ll be changing my tactics.

If anyone is willing, I’d love to have a partner in this fic who is willing to be a recourse for Mexican culture as well as reading the chapters before hand to confirm they are respectful and professional.

Additionally, I’ll be changing my update schedule. It’s going to be updating every Sunday and Wednesday around 8 PDT. This change is done so that I have more time to write, edit, and confirm that it is respectful.

Again, I am severely sorry.

anonymous asked:

How would UK, GOM and Kagami wake up their s/o?

This request exceeds the character limit, so I’ll just do the GOM and Kagami. Please, if you still want to have the UK done, ask at a different time and be patient as I have quite a few requests to get through. I give my greatest apologies if I’ve disappointed you at all.

It would really depend on Kise’s mood. Some mornings he’d want to pepper your face with kisses until you wake up giggling and cuddling into his muscular arms. Others, he’d want to lie in bed and watch you, tracing his fingers gently across you soft cheek and into the tangled mess of your hair. He would smile gently seeing the way you wrinkle you nose and kiss the adorable appendage, leaning away as you muggily opened your eyes so that his loving expression, bathed in the golden glow of morning, would be the first thing you see as you awoke. 

“How are you always so perfect?”

Akashi wouldn’t be big on morning snuggles or kisses. He’d get up and get dressed, putting himself together quietly so as not to disturb your precious moments of sleep. Of course, in the middle of dressing himself, he’d glance over at your prone form and smile adoringly. If you continued to ignore your alarm, he’d chuckle at your childishness and lean over you, kissing your forehead and murmuring gently.

 “Wake up, kitten. It’s a new day for us.”

More likely than not, you’re the one waking Aomine up. Of course, some mornings he’d find himself up and ready to go before you. Groaning at his inability to go back to sleep, he’d roll over and purposely smush you under him, making you groan and wake up as well. Grinning playfully, he’d wrap his arms around you, ignoring your grumbles of protest, and roll around the bed, chuckling as you started growling and grumbling at his audacity. Laughing heartily, he’d kiss you deeply and chuckle again as you grimaced at the smell of his morning breath.

“Good mornin’ babe, ready to get up?”

It’s not that Midorima hates morning snuggles, it’s just that he’s not the sweetest guy in the morning. Cross that, he’s easily the grumpiest little carrot in the garden when it comes to waking up. Unfortunately, he also has an inability to sleep in later than sunrise. Thus, he wakes up well before he wants to and attempts to be alone for the first hour of total grump so as not to snap too viciously at you. When it is time for you to wake up though, he has a hot cup of coffee or tea just the way you like it ready to go as well as a blushing kiss on your cheek.

“Don’t be lazy-nodayo. It’s time to wake up.”

As with Aomine, Kuroko would be unlikely to be the first to wake up on any given day. When he does, his first instinct isn’t to wake you up, but to burrow against your warmth and enjoy the sound of your quiet breaths and soft snores. Eventually, if he’s unable to fall asleep, he’ll call your name softly until you woke up with him. When your eyes finally open blearily, you’d look down to see Kuroko’s large baby blue eyes peeping up at you. A warm smile would gentle his expression.

“Good morning ______-chan. Did you sleep well?”

Murasakibara also wouldn’t be the first to wake up on a regular basis. Rather, he’d be the one consistently needing to be woken by you. If he did indeed wake up earlier for once, the giant would immediately roll over and snuggle against you until he fell asleep. Only later, when your alarm clock blared loudly and you shook him would he wake up.

“It’s too early to wake up _____-chin. Let’s go back to sleep, ne?”

Kagami, if given a good night’s sleep, would pinch your cheeks to wake you up. Not out of a desire to tease or any such thing, but rather because he finds your sleeping face unbearably adorable. When you grumble and swat at him, he simply pulls you into his arms and squeezes you tightly, throwing a muscular leg over your body and rolling onto his back so you lie on his broad chest. When you finally sleepily look up into his face, he wears a cheeky grin.

“There was no way I could let you sleep without me.”

4

i have questions about this bat that remain unanswered.