gray pony

You Can’t Find My House

I just got off the phone with mom, and we came to the realization that my family has lived in a series of unplottable houses for a couple generations now.

-The First Unplottable House is on my dad’s side of the family, in Delphi, Iowa.  The directions to it are the stuff of Buried Treasure:  Turn off the county road with a fraction in it’s name, to the Named Dirt Road, then turn at The Discount Eggs Sign on to the Unnamed dirt road that takes a meandering path THROUGH a corn field, DO NOT take any forks on that road or the farmer will shoot your ass, then take the paved road that dead-ends on ALL the way to the end- No, farther, the road keeps going it’s not a cliff-The only indication that You Have Arrived At The Correct Driveway is that a fat gray pony will charge the car, screaming, then escort you the rest of the way there.

It’s on the side of an enormous river, they’ve owned the property since 1911, and that’s the ONLY route there.

-The Second Unplottable house is in Bedford, Ohio and belonged to my mother’s parents.  It’s at the corner of two side-streets, right across from the tiny Italian grocery store.  Due to strange development decisions, the house is about 30 feet above street level and rendered invisible by a chestnut tree so majestic Hyao Myazaki would probably put it in a movie.  The driveway, however, is VERY visible from any of the surrounding houses, the grocer, or the street.  

At least in theory and old photos, becuase if you actually GO there,  your eyes slide right past it to the neighbor’s lillac bush, or to the retro neons of the grocery store or up the Chestnut tree.  it is literally HARD to look at that driveway, all the world around it wants to pull you away.

-The Third Unplottable house is in Salinas, CA, home of my paternal grandparents.  It is the single most BORING house possible- like, if you were to ask a third-grader to draw a prototypical house, they would draw my grandparent’s house.  Utterly Unremarkable. 

Except for the part where my Grandfather, spurred by his success with the “non-fruiting” peach tree, decided to plant a California Redwood Tree, and it grew to approximately 150 feet over the course of a few short decades.  It is the tallest damn thing for miles around, and SOMEHOW deliveries keep being missed, mail is delivered to the neighbors, and any non-blood family that tried to visit would end up on the other side of town.

-The Fourth Unplottable House was the one I grew up in CA.  The Directions to it are as follows:  It’s the Bright Orange house Right Across From The School.  You know, the one with six flamingos and the Volunteer Avacado Tree.

SOMEHOW, we got everyone’s mail but OURS (we still wonder about the letter from Fort Knox for Mr. Thomas Saxophone), the other kids got lost trying to visit and ended up in Mr.Phan’s yard on the other end of the block.  Officer Brown, Mom and Dad’s friend, who had GPS back in the early 90′s becuase silicon valley, regularly got lost looking for our place.  The Flamingos did nothing.

-My parent’s current house is the second house on the right  after two right turns off the state highway that runs through town.  Sounds easy, right?  

Except that due to a couple small trees and a bend in the road, the house is invisible from the road.  I have to stand out in the road if i want my pizza delivered.  The Mailman is the only person who could reliably find the box, but he drives a subaru that’s older than my sister from the passenger side by leaning over, and delivers mail based on the aztec lunar calendar, so he’s probably not actually human.  I tried to host a party, tied rainbow balloons to the mailbox, and all nine friends had to be waved in from the street.

-My current apartment building Does Not Exist, according to my Bank, medicaid, Google, and City Hall which was a bit exciting when I first moved in and had to call everyone that yes, I was sitting in a building that really exists.   

Unless it’s my classmates, becuase they can apparently come to parties I don’t host. This Friday I had a friend telling me she had a great time at my place last Teusday… when I was home alone.  She assures me that I held a houseparty with “Those polish things you make” (I make great mini klatchky, but haven’t served them to her) and that “You were definitely there, we talked about Carvaggio and you drive me home”

*Goes away for a few days*
*Come back,has a few new followers*
Oh hey there,did not see you come by 8) 
I’m leaving this Lava Lamp pony~
They have been a huge success for awhile now.
This was inspired by a sunset image ^^ 

I am open for commissions and customs! Both furry,ferals and animations~


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Imagine: Meeting Marco’s New Leading Lady

Okay, I don’t know who I like more. The horse or Macro, but when I saw that…well. It wrote itself. 

@pathybo, @imgoldielikehawn, @sparklemichele - really anyone else feel like being tagged for anything, let me know. 

"Is Friendship Truly Magic?" - David x Gwen Drabble

This is the first time I’ve actually written a short story and published it on here, so I’d love to hear your feedback through DMs! To be fairly honest, I wrote this all on my phone at 7AM so it’s not amazing and it probably has spelling errors that I haven’t found on my own. But maybe enjoy it? There needs to be more Gwen x David in this world, and this was a silly idea that came to me from watching a David Dobrik blog where he just straight up bought a pony.

Summary: David buys a pony and Gwen questions her sanity.

Gwen slowly blinked, not knowing if her eyes were playing tricks on her or if David had finally lost it. She was tempted to smack herself across the face to check and see if she was in some sort of fucked up dream sequence, but the last time she had any sort of dream was when she was about twelve. All of her nights since then consisted of pure exhaustion that drove her to crashing so hard she remembered nothing in the morning. So no, this was not a dream.

The stupid, scrawny counselor that she was currently dating had indeed brought home a pony. But, oh no, not just any pony. A flea-ridden one that had a dyed bright pink mane and butt tattoo of a star that was obviously cheaply spray painted onto its matted gray fur. The equine seemed totally fine standing in the middle of their apartment, its eyes spaced out as it chewed on some grass it plucked from god knows where. It was as if not a single brain cell in its head worked, which was understandable because it was just an animal, but she was pretty sure that the squirrels back at camp had more personality than this poor excuse of a farm animal.

“So, what do you think? Isn’t she a cutie pie, Gwen? I’ve decided to name her Sprinkles McGee– isn’t that just perfect?!” The ginger chirped, bouncing in place to let off some excitement. Gwen let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose to try and edge off the inevitable headache that was sure to come. “Can we talk for a moment?” She hissed in a practically inaudible voice, as if her lowered volume was the one thing keeping her from snapping. Being the ignorant optimistic goof that David is, her tone went right over his head, and he nodded with enthusiasm as he bounded over to her.

“Yes, Gwen?” He asked, the happiness practically dripping off his voice as he spoke, completely unaware of how Gwen’s sanity was slowly slipping. “David, in what universe…” She began softly, her eyes being forced shut before she lurched forward in rage, snagging his ear to bring him down to eye level with her, “IS THIS OKAY?!” Gwen screamed directly into his ear, causing the excitable counselor to visibly flinch. He looked over to where she was gesturing, which was directly at Sprinkles McGee.

“You… don’t like her?” He hesitantly squeaked out, his eyes shining as if he might cry. Seeing this, Gwen let go of his ear with an aggravated growl. “How did you even get a pony, David?” She asked with a much calmer demeanor. Not because she was particularly curious as to how he acquired the animal, (he was fucking David), but because yelling at her boyfriend didn’t get through to him due to his obliviousness.

At the question he brightened, standing straight up as he yanked his phone out of his pocket, fumbling with it before showing her the app it was opened to. “Well, remember when you showed me that wonderful website called Craigslist? Well, I’ve been browsing it in my spare time, and happened upon this little guy!” David explained as if it made perfect sense to him, resting one hand on the horse’s head. “Sprinkles McGee was only 50 dollars! Can you believe that, Gwen?”

Gwen stared at him in disbelief, not even being able to BEGIN to say what she really wanted to. Instead, she took a deep breath to calm down before she could say something she may regret.

“David, you realize she was probably 50 dollars because even the glue factories don’t want her. I mean, seriously, look at her!” She finally spoke, gesturing to the animal right as it chomped down on its own mane. It began chewing the pink strands slowly, tongue lolling out every so often. Gwen felt like she might puke at that display of stupidity alone.

“I don’t see your point– Sprinkles is a good horse! Isn’t that right?” David asked in a baby voice, leaning down to pet the horse’s nose. Gwen almost found it cute that he had already attached himself to the animal, and the way he was leaning down to get on it’s height level was almost identical to what he did with the campers. She resisted the urge to smile and instead stomped forward, crossing her arms infront of her chest.

“David, we live in an apartment with neighbors who would report us in an instant if they saw us with a horse in a place where there’s no animals allowed. How you even managed to get that thing up here with you is a mystery to me, and it’s almost impressive, but it can’t stay with us.” She scolded with tired eyes. She had to tether him back to reality almost every day, so she got sick of it fairly quick.

David sighed, opening his mouth to protest but shutting it quickly since he knew better than to argue with Gwen. The heartbroken counselor sighed, turning to the pink and gray pony with cloudy eyes.

“It’s time to let you go, old boy…” He whispered dramatically, unhooking the reins and holding them clutched to his chest. “Be free!” David exclaimed, standing up and backing away from the horse.

And at that moment, something switched inside that stupid pony. Something that made it rear back and let out an unholy neigh as it bucked a hole in the doorframe. And with a snort, it whinnied and tore down the hall, crashing into rooms in its wake.

Gwen and David stood side by side, expressions of shock plastered on their faces. They were both equally scarred by the sudden violence, but Gwen was the first to break the silence by turning to David with shaky hands.

“WHY THE EVER-LOVING FUCK WOULD YOU SET IT LOOSE INSIDE THE APARTMENT, DAVID?!” She screamed in pure rage, causing David to fold in half and lean his head back like a turtle trying to retreat into its shell. “I–I, well, you see–” David stuttered out, but that’s as far as he got before Gwen had once again snatched him by the ear and began dragging him out of their apartment.

“Ow ow ow, Gwen!” He whined, tripping over himself as he tried to keep up. Gwen turned to him abruptly, nose pressed against his in a very threatening way. “If we get kicked out because your incompetent ass decided it’d be a fantastic idea to not only purchase a horse, but also to set it loose inside of a crowded building, then I expect you to sleep on the cold streets while I get a comfy cardboard box. Understood?” Gwen snarled into his ear, purple eyes dark with rage. David whimpered, nodding in acknowledgment before they both continued down the hallway to capture Sprinkles McGee.