10 Surefire tips for seducing that significant other you wish you had:
Only whisper to them. Never speak in a normal tone of voice, even if you need to warn them from across a room. As that rabid bear dashes at them from behind, gently whisper, “run.”
Make direct eye contact. This is difficult due to bone structure but it’s worth it when your cornea touches theirs. For extra intimacy, make sure your eye is insufficiently lubricated so you can truly stick together.
Do nice things without even letting them know who did it. Buy them a new shovel or 50 pack of burnable CDs and leave it at their door. Their confusion is your thank-you.
Watch their favorite movies and read their favorite books with them. Whenever you see them read, read the same page with them. Tell them when you want to turn to the next page loudly but with compassion.
Brush their teeth. This intimate offering will show them how willing you are to do household tasks in a serious relationship. Do not pre-gargle their mouthwash though, at least not without boiling between mouths.
Lie to them about their credit rating. By sending them letters and emails that misrepresent their credit rating, they will be more inclined to let you buy them things they need, such as chairs or a llama.
Don’t just laugh at their jokes, laugh at their tears. Show them you find them funny even when they feel sad. Laughter at humor comes easy. Laughing at their pain shows commitment.
Learn from the Swedish Whooping Owl. When the Swedish Whooping Owl falls in love, it regurgitates pellets with an extra pheromone that arouses its mate. Do the same over a candle-lit dinner and you’re in.
Paint a hamster wheel gray. When they see you taking the time to mute the vibrant colors of an otherwise acceptable hamster wheel, they’ll understand you appreciate the subtle things.
Write her letters. B, C, L, and the vowels have been used in love sonnets since the time of Shakespeare. Write them in ink or on cloth napkins so that your love will last forever.