glorioustoasterwaffle  asked:

*slams fist down on table* tell me what you know about vikings


>Vikings NEVER wore the horns on their helmets; Romans made it up to make them seem scarier.

>Vikings had a very important free-dudes only meeting called a Thing. No weapons were allowed at the Thing; topics were discussed at the Thing and everyone had the right to have their say (except thralls and women, there were some exceptions).

>Vikings had slaves, called Thralls.
Vikings could name them whatever the hell they wanted, so you might have ended up with a nasty nickname.

>Dying in Battle was the BEST THING for Vikings. If you fought and died well, Valkyries would come get your bloodstained ass to go to Valhalla; where you’d get to feast and fight with the dudely gods.

>The Morrigan was a goddess who often appeared to a warrior who was about to die in battle. You might see her as a crow with a bloody rope around her neck, or as a beautiful woman who was washing your bloodstained clothing in a river.

>Vikings thought maths was magic; also women. Magic was a female craft, and they were taught maths and herblore from a young age.

>Viking men wore makeup. Specifically eyeliner, to emphasise their eyes.
That’s right fuckbois. Big bad raiders… wore eyeliner.
And sewed. And Knitted. And did all the little handicrafts necessary for them to survive.
Not to mention women knew how to fight… they could defend their own land.

>Vikings had a precursor to chess called Hnefatafl.

>If a Viking Lord died, one of his household’s female thralls could volunteer to accompany him. She would be laid beside him and stabbed through the heart by an elderly woman dressed all in black (can’t remember if she’s an Angel of Mercy or an Angel of Death). Some tales said she would go to a different type of valhalla, for women, for her bravery.
Alternately, Viking OFTEN sacrificed slaves during funeral rites; a bit like some pharaohs did. So they could continue serving him in Valhalla.
>Several instances of widows being sacrificed at their husband’s funeral have been found. Grave goods were common - dependent on their status and craft in life.

>Funerary ships were either cremated or buried; the most amazing buried funeral ship they ever found was one they assumed was for a high-born or ranking woman. So, you know, some ladies got a hell of a send-off too.

>Viking ladies were gifted a kitten on their wedding day, to be a mouser.

>Vikings lived in long houses; and often consisted of one long room. Animals could be brought inside for warmth. They were actually quite fuctional with a hole in the roof to let out cookingfire smoke.

>If you bothered a viking lady, there were repercussions. Like, if you didn’t take no for an answer, you were in the wrong and her family (os she herself) would enforce that. If you put hands on her, and she did not want it, you could lose your damn hands.
Striking a woman was the most horrendous thing… women were mystical creatures of magic and very important. And it showed you were a savage with no control.

Violence was for the battlefield, never amongst your own people.

>There is new evidence to suggest that Vikings even made it to Asia, with some goods and even skeletons of persons of asian descent being located in ancient viking settlements.

>Women wore clothes called Kirtles. You had the underkirtle (usually plain) and an overkirtle (dyed).

>Vikings believe that the world and gods came into being from the armpit sweat of a giant.

>Odin GAVE his eye for the power of Knowledge/Wisdom. He has two ravens to watch the worlds (usually Midgard, we keep fucking up) for him.

>My favourite story about Thor was the one where the Giants stole Mjolnir.
So like, rather than just go get it… Thor dressed up as a chick; nice dress and everything. Didn’t shave the breard though, but the Giants were like ‘whatevs, her beard is lovely and luscious’.

He convinces like the chief giant king dude to marry him, and there they are at the wedding banquet, right?

Why the ruse? You’re probs asking right now… well, here’s the reason:
In many variations of the tale, the couple has to be blessed by a hammer (in other tales, it gets placed on the bride’s knees to symbolise their commitment to a truce between Asgard and the Giants through their union)…
So right about the end of the wedding, at the banquet part, Mjolnir gets brought out… and my fav version of the tale has Thor vaulting the table in his dress, taking it back, and kicking all kinds of ass.

>Loki fucked a horse.
Like… literally, went full on Ancient Brony, my friend.

Then he got pregnant and birthed an eight-legged horse (Slepnir) that Odin his grandady, now rides evrywhere. Bc that’s not something the Asgardian Child Safety needs to look into or whatever…

Not to mention his other kids (giant ass snake, massive wolf, his daughter Hel).

>Hel. Not hot. The worst thing for vikings was COLD, so Hel is a cold, dark, bleak, nothing place ruled over by Loki’s Daughter. Who was born ‘hideous’ and cast away by dbag Odin himself.

>In several texts, Loki tied his testicles to a goat as entertainment at a banquet feast. The Asgardians thought it hilarious.

>The dwarves got pissed off from Loki stealing or conning their best weapons out of them, so they punished him by sewing his false mouth shut.

>Vikings put dragons on the prow as a scare-tactic.

> Sewing was forbidden (for men) during raiding months (it was an indoor winter activity); exceptions being - sewing the sails, fixing torn clothing whilst a-viking, and making/mending nets.

>Vikings had purple carrots.

>Vikings had their own versions of french knitting.

>Vikings had a whole bunch of very clever, but really fiddly things to make clothes and embroidered embellishments (like, tablet weaving). Vikings had a real thing about looking good to show their status.

>Vikings often raided churches, bc in medieval times they got first dibs on a lot of shiny money things… and vikings liked shiny money things.

>Vikings found both Iceland and Greenland.

>Goddess Freya rides on a chariot pulled by cats.

>Her twin brother Frey is perpetually hella nekkid.

>Frey taught Loki magic; because he was more inclined.
It is one of the reasons he always made others uneasy; magic is for women, and women only… that he used it to shapeshift and cause mischief was… odd, to viking sensibilities.

>Vikings were actually very clean. They believed in remaining clean, where possible. Sure, bathing in a tub everyday wasn’t a thing; but they made sure to wash faces, hands, feet, important bits.

>They ate a lot of fish; sheep and other stock had other uses, but would also be eaten. Vikings had a lot of stew. It was simpler, ad vegetables were more aailable. They also made bread and other general items.

>Vikings DID have drinking horns. And they required special pegs to hold them.
Drank a LOT of mead, held a lot of feasts, etc. Feasting was an art, everyone liked out-storying the others; it was a really big thing, having the best epic.

>Beowulf has a fucktonne of verses, but they used to memorise it all and repeat it from end to end.

My friends, it is hollywood concocted nonsense. The next one of you self-righteous fuckbois that try to argue that something a reenactor is doing (based on what they have learned/researched/practiced/demonstrated knowledge of to be asked to join the reenactment event), because the shitty half-assed not-even-vaguely-historically-accurate tv show depicts the actors doing something different… I will fly in from the sky on a goddamn pegasus and stab you with my sword. STOP DOING THaT.

>Ragnarok is the viking armageddon. Frost and Fire giants will battle, Thor will die fighting Jormungdr (his nephew the slytherin, btw), Odin’s fucked, Loki is in trouble… basically chaos.

>There are nine realms in Viking mythology, all connected to one another by Yggdrasil, the tree of life. Midgard and Asgard are only two of the realms held aloft by it’s branches.

>Vikings loved a bit of flair. Jewellery was a must. All forms.