graham is me i am graham

kicking you out

for the anon who asked for a groupchat celebrity au with twitter. ik this isn’t exactly what you asked for, but i will do a proper celebrity au one day. probably. dedicated to my wife @jiilys bc she deserves all this and more


James Potter (@jimsradio) tweeted: thanks for tuning in last night! check us out next week when we’ll be discussing whether sand dollars should be a viable form of currency

Sirius Black (@blacksheep) retweeted: james no one cares about ur stupid fuckign radio show

James Potter (@jimsradio) retweeted: ur the co-host

Sirius Black (@blacksheep) retweeted: i dont see how thats a relevant piece of information


Remus Lupin (@remuslupout) tweeted: @jimsradio why do you have pine trees listed as your topic for next week

James Potter (@jimsradio) retweeted: why not

James Potter (@jimsradio) retweeted: theyr an important part of our capitalist, consumer-driven society

Remus Lupin (@remuslupout) retweeted: is this just because you couldn’t come up with a better topic

James Potter (@jimsradio) retweeted: r u insinuating that i had no ideas and decided on pine trees bc there happens to be one outside peters bedroom window

Remus Lupin (@remuslupout) retweeted: yes

James Potter (@jimsradio) retweeted: fair


James Potter to radioheads: how about we have remus as our special guest next week

Sirius Black: i have legitimately never heard of a worse idea

Remus Lupin: good luck driving yourself to the lido next week then dickhead

Sirius Black: i already lost that job

Remus Lupin: why am i not surprised

Sirius Black: jokes on u lupin, ur the one who’s been driving me 40 minutes out of your way every morning for nothing

Remus Lupin: fucker


Remus Lupin to James Potter: we need more advertising

James Potter: ?? we have plenty of advertising

Remus Lupin: we have the same ad for your dad’s hair gel playing every break on a ten minute loop

James Potter: ?? what’s ur point


Peter Pettigrew to james you know i love monty but we need more advertising: guys 2, 141 people listened in last week

Remus Lupin: are you kidding

James Potter: result!!!!

Sirius Black: was that the one where we talked about freaks & geeks conspiracy theories

Remus Lupin: no that was the one where you talked about crunchy chips vs squishies

Remus Lupin: do you even listen to the show

Sirius Black: im the co-host thank you very much

Remus Lupin: could’ve fooled me

Sirius Black has removed Remus Lupin from the chat.


Sirius Black (@blacksheep) tweeted: @petepettigrew i still cant believe u prefer squishies to crunchies

Peter Pettigrew (@petepettigrew) retweeted: what?? theyr more flavoursome


James Potter to Sirius Black: remus has been our special guest for the past five episodes i think we need someone new

Sirius Black: what about pete

James Potter: pete does sound

Sirius Black: then get someone else to do sound

James Potter: u, my friend, are a genius


James Potter (@jimsradio) tweeted: we need someone with tech experience to do our sound booth pls and thank


Peter Pettigrew to fifa plays would make a shitty topic: I thought I was sound technician??

James Potter: u can still be sound technician we’re just having u as our special guest

Sirius Black: im not sure i can handle having a special guest who thinks squishies r better than crunchies

James Potter: ??? u were the one who suggested pete in the first place

Sirius Black: i was?? funny that

Peter Pettigrew: i hate u all


Lily Evans (@liljane) tweeted: @jimsradio i have two years worth of tech experience and can do friday evenings if ur still looking for a sound technician


James Potter to shitdick central™: holy shit check out the chick who just applied for techie

Peter Pettigrew: who is she

Remus Lupin: lily evans

Remus Lupin: she had her own radio show a couple of years back with this really awful guy

Remus Lupin: it was really popular

Peter Pettigrew: the radio show or the guy

Remus Lupin: ?? the radio show

Remus Lupin: the guy turned out to be a massive racist

Remus Lupin: in her last interview she called him ‘an abusive fuckface’

Sirius Black: i say we hire her

James Potter: seconded


Remus Lupin to James Potter: is the only reason you want to hire her is because you think she’s hot

James Potter: do you really think i’m that shallow

Remus Lupin: yes


James Potter (@jimsradio) tweeted: @liljane you’re hired. i’ll dm you the details


Sirius Black to i’m not shallow remus i just have an appreciation for the finer things in life: i cant believe that you both literally and figuratively slid into her dm’s

James Potter: im blocking u


James Potter to what the fuck is an aardvark anyway: that went rather well if you ask me

Sirius Black: ?? it was a fucking atrocity

Sirius Black: you were staring at her the whole time

James Potter: no i wasn’t

Remus Lupin: you missed five of your queues

James Potter: ok, so maybe i was a little off

Sirius Black: there were more awkward silences than that one time peter tried to pick up rosmerta at the three broomsticks

Peter Pettigrew: you promised you wouldn’t bring that up again!!

Sirius Black: sry pete, desperate times call for desperate measures


James Potter (@jimsradio) tweeted: make sure to check us out at our new time of 7:00pm fridays!!

Sirius Black (@blacksheep) retweeted: you do realise no-one actually watches this show

Lily Evans (@liljane) retweeted: he’s right you know

James Potter (@jimsradio) retweeted: i hate both of u


Lily Evans to James Potter: can u stop making jokes about lamps

James Potter: i don’t know what u filamean


Peter Pettigrew to wes anderson is better than quentin taratino and you know it james: ALMOST 10K PEOPLE LISTENED IN LAST NIGHT

James Potter: HOLY SHIT

Lily Evans: james u owe me $50 and your 1st edition copy of the great gatsby

James Potter: i’d rather die

Lily Evans: then die, jim

Remus Lupin: christ

Sirius Black: u called??

Peter Pettigrew: what even is this group chat


James Potter to Lily Evans: was that u tearing up i saw in the sound booth when i was reading out my piece about foreshadowing in the simpsons

Lily Evans: i was tearing up over how bad it was

Lily Evans: there was something in my eye

Lily Evans: i think it was your complete lack of a writing style

James Potter: stop it


Lily Evans (@liljane) tweeted: petition to kick sirius out of the group chat bc he won’t stop talking about scooby doo conspiracy theories at 3am

Sirius Black (@blacksheep) retweeted: i can scooby do what i want

Lily Evans (@liljane) retweeted: blocked


James Potter to Sirius Black: WHERE ARE YOU WE’RE ON IN 5

James Potter: sirs

James Potter: where r you

Sirius Black: ran in tp regulus at the cineplex

James Potter: where are you now

Sirius Black: field next to cneplex

James Potter: don’t move


James Potter (@jimsradio) tweeted: sorry that there was no show this week folks!! sirius got mauled by a bear and i had to drive up to toronto to help amputate his right arm

Remus Lupin (@remuslupout) retweeted: @jimsradio who’s going to wank you off now

Sirius Black (@blacksheep) retweeted: @remuslupout bitch im left-handed


Sirius Black to velma, daphne and fred: i’m sure evans would do it for you james

Lily Evans: you want to lose the other arm black


Peter Pettigrew to cry me a river lupin: maybe we should make our group chats accessible to the public to get more hits

James Potter: i would but no one wants to see screenshots of sirius in a bra

Sirius Black: by no-one do you mean everyone


James Potter (@jimsradio) tweeted: thank you guys so much for 20k hits the other night!! more content coming


Sirius Black to bitches bitchin: GRAHAM NORTON TONIGHT BITCHES

Lily Evans: are you sober

Sirius Black: am i ever sober

Lily Evans: good point


James Potter to sirius stop changing the group chat name while graham is in the middle of asking you questions: i think that went well

Lily Evans: james im leaving you for graham norton

Sirius Black: not if i leave him first


Severus Snape (@halfbloodprince) tweeted: @jimsradio feel like keeping your hands off my co-host you wanker??


James Potter to i haven’t been able to listen to eyes on fire by blue foundation since they played it over bella and ryan’s scene in eyewitness: how are we gonna handle this

James Potter: my vote is firmly rooted in manslaughter

Lily Evans: leave it to me

Lily Evans: but keep manslaughter as a backup


Lily Evans (@liljane) tweeted: @halfbloodprince i wonder what it’d be like to not be so ridiculously self-involved as to impose yourself where you’re strictly not wanted?

Lily Evans (@liljane) tweeted: @halfbloodprince stay out of my life or you’ll be receiving numerous calls from my lawyer


Lily Evans to manslaughter: yes or no: its sorted

Sirius Black: you don’t even have a lawyer

Lily Evans: he doesn’t know that


James Potter to Lily Evans: whats a rlly interesting and extensive subject we could cover this week

Lily Evans: milk

James Potter: excellent


Lily Evans to tangled is so much better than frozen: im at the studio and i have liquor

Sirius Black: be there in 5

Peter Pettigrew: can u pick me up

Sirius Black: McNo™

Remus Lupin: i regret the day i gave u that keyboard shortcut

Sirius Black: i dont


James Potter to Lily Evans: r u ok

Lily Evans: fine just sistet stuff

James Potter: u sound trashed

Lily Evans: thsts bc i Am

James Potter: where r u

Lily Evans: blcony

Lily Evans: jim

Lily Evans: can u tak e me hpme

Lily Evans: jaems

Lily Evans: i love you


Lily Evans to James Potter: what did i say last night

James Potter: nothing its fine

James Potter: don’t worry about it

Lily Evans: i am worried about it

James Potter: don’t be

James Potter: see you at work


Remus Lupin to James Potter: whats goin on between u two

James Potter: ???

Remus Lupin: you know what i mean

Remus Lupin: you keep looking at her and looking away

Remus Lupin: she keeps forgetting to give you your queues

James Potter: probably distracted by that hickey on your neck

Remus Lupin: i TOLD you i FELL OVER


Lily Evans (@liljane) tweeted: thank you guys so much for 100k! i’ve made @jimsradio promise to change his username if we make it to 1mil in the next two months

Sirius Black (@blacksheep) retweeted: he should change it to @wanker

Lily Evans (@liljane) retweeted: i checked its already taken by @halfbloodprince


Sirius Black to james potter and co: can you and evans stop eye-fucking during the sets

James Potter changed the chat name to i dont know what you’re talking about.

Sirius Black changed the chat name to yes u do.

James Potter changed the chat name to do not.

Sirius Black changed the chat name to do too.

James Potter changed the chat name to do not.

Remus Lupin: you guys know she’s getting all of these right

James Potter: shit


Lily Evans to James Potter: u have something u want to tell me

James Potter: i’d rather do it in person,,,,,if thats ok

Lily Evans: only if we announce our engagement during a set

James Potter: deal


James Potter (@jimsradio) tweeted: we hit 1mil! also @liljane and i are fucking

Remus Lupin (@remuslupout) retweeted: about time

Sirius Black (@blacksheep) retweeted: you don’t say

Remus Lupin (@remuslupout) retweeted: i do say

Peter Pettigrew (@petepettigrew) retweeted: im blocking both of u

Lily Evans (@liljane) retweeted: r u gonna hold up your end of the bargain @jimsradio

James Potter changed his username to @lilandjimsradio.

Lily Evans (@liljane) retweeted: nice

Friend: I just finished watching a show, what should I watch next?

Me: Hannibal

Friend: I want a crime show 

Me: Hannibal

Friend: I also want romance

Me: Hannibal

Friend: Hot guys would be a plus

Me: Hannibal

Friend: I don’t know I kinda-

Me: *Rips off clothes to reveal murder suit* HANNIBAL!!!!!!!!!!! *cries in corner*

5

I’m like six years late to the fandom but here’s some terrible Valentines from everyone’s favorite Roman LARPers

send them to the profligates you least wish to kill

Gef the Talking Mongoose is a creature that was supposedly encountered in the early 1930s on the Isle of Man. This talking mongoose was found on the Irving family’s farm. Gef was first heard by James Irving while he was reading the newspaper outside when suddenly he heard a voice say “Read it out, you fat-headed gnome!” James Irving claimed that Gef looked like “a little animal resembling a stoat, a ferret, or a weasel, yellow in colour with a body about nine inches long. Its long bushy tail is speckled with black”.

Gef often communicated with the family, claiming that he was an “extra extra clever mongoose!” and that he was even an “Earthbound spirit”. Gef was definitely a character. He enjoyed waking people up in the middle of the night, he chased and caught mice that invaded the family home, and liked to eat bacon and sausages. Voirrey Irving was said to have been behind it all and people accused her of being a ventriloquist. The actor Leslie Graham bought the farmhouse after James passed away and everyone left. In 1946, Graham claimed to have shot and killed Gef, however, Voirrey saw the body of the animal Graham killed and denied this. She claimed the creature that was killed was larger than Gef and instead of his yellow color, it was black and gray. 

Until her death in 2005, Voirrey denied that she had created Gef.

One of Gef’s most famous lines was: “I am a freak. I have hands and I have feet, and if you saw me you’d faint, you’d be petrified, mummified, turned into stone or a pillar of salt!“ 

Hannibal fic prompt: Will Graham is way too pretty
  • will graham: i’m a grouchy unsociable loner
  • jack crawford: you have 14 restraining orders against ex-girlfriends, ex-hairdressers, and ex-coworkers who randomly fell in love with you after seeing you once in the Quantico cafeteria
  • will graham: where i eat ALONE at a table by the window ALONE
  • beverly katz: people literally choke on their food around you because they forget how to breathe and chew at the same time
  • will graham: no one likes me or invites me to social events
  • beverly katz: you got invited to mark's retirement party just last week, you ruined three relationships just by walking around the room once, the only thing you told mark was 'sorry to see you go' and the poor old bastard offered to leave his wife of 25 years for you
  • will graham: i sweat like a pig
  • jimmy price: you don't sweat like a pig, you glisten like a sea-sprayed statue of antinous
  • will graham: my unironic lumberjack clothes fit me poorly
  • brian zeller: you made 'lumberjack slob' the leading fashion trend in the Washington metropolitan area.
  • will graham: my students applauded me once for shooting a suspect, it was inappropriate
  • beverly katz: wanna talk inappropriate, your students once gave you a five-minute standing ovation for drinking from a water bottle
  • will graham: alana rejected my awkward and fumbling advances
  • alana bloom: my self-esteem couldn't handle me not being the pretty one in the relationship
  • will graham: supermarket tabloids cast aspersions on my character
  • freddie lounds: how else am i going to justify devoting 8 pages to long-range photos of you playing with your dogs or wandering around your property in your underwear? btw calvin klein's people called, they're ready to offer you six figures to model those cute little boxer briefs you favor
  • will graham: help me jack i am so broken and vulnerable!..
  • jack crawford: sorry buddy, i'm going to have to talk with my back to you from now on, bella told me not to look at you ever again after i called out your name during our anniversary sex
  • will graham: WELL FINE SCREW ALL OF YOU I'LL JUST TALK TO THIS SHRINK I AM BEING FORCED TO SEE BECAUSE MY AIR OF MYSTERY, SELF-SACRIFICE, AND LOVE OF RESCUING ABANDONED ANIMALS ARE ALL SO OFF-PUTTING
  • dr. hannibal lecter: ...
  • dr. hannibal lecter: hello! i know we literally just met, but all i want to do for the rest of my life is cook you delicious meals and fill my mansion with drawings of your face and butt
  • will graham: ...
  • dr. hannibal lecter: sorry, i don't think i'm saying this right. my apologies, english is my fifth language.
  • will graham: ah ok
  • dr. hannibal lecter: what i meant to say was, i want to give you all my infinite money and also babies
  • will graham: fml

“It was the first thing my dad taught me, you know..”

Hannibal watched him as Will approached his space, sat between his legs and basically made him his bed, just because he can. Will could feel the smile radiating off Hannibal’s face.

“..that here in the sea, the stars are your comrades.”

He lazily points a finger upward, following a train of stars.

“These two are your friends.” Will says as  he pauses and shifts to a constellation opposite. “Spring up, fall down.”

He points to one star, directly above him. “And that’s your best friend.”

“Polaris.” Hannibal supplies. “The star that would always take you home.”

Will smiled to himself. “I used to call bullshit on it. One star couldn’t just be able to miraculously substitute directions.” Hannibal felt his body getting heavier, along with an audible sigh. Will closes his eyes.

"But maybe… I take it back.”

Silence hung in the air. Will hadn’t felt this comfortable in years.

Hanniversary request for @imlostinthedream who wanted Will and Hannibal cuddling under the night sky. I’m sorry I used a stock photo for the stars (I collect too many of them ||orz||), but this one was so PRETTY.

Decisions, Decisions (Part 1)

Prompt: Imagine Tom Hiddleston has a crush on you and he is feeling jealous of James McAvoy on “The Graham Norton Show” because James talks about how great the chemistry was between you, his co-star, and him in your latest film.

Warnings: language

Word Count: ~3300

Note: Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes - This fic would NOT be possible without you, and @amarvelouswritings - who let me badger the hell out of her. Thank you both a million! Used @theartofimagining13 imagine

Also, some of the timelines are going to be off in this, to make stuff fit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were fidgeting with your red skin tight dress as you stood backstage at the Graham Norton show with your current co-star James McAvoy and ex-costar Tom Hiddleston. You checked your phone for the eighteenth time, seeing a text from your best friend in the whole world, Ida.

“Good luck! : )” she sent, upbeat and encouraging as always. She’d been your good friend for five years now and she was busy with her music journalist job, interviewing Metallica tonight.

“Thanks!” you replied back.

“You ready for this, Y/N?” James asked, his Scottish accent so thick and so nice, you loved the way your name sounded on his lips. He was buttoning his suit jacket as he glanced your way. You tried not to stare, but goddamn was that hard. He was funny, handsome, clever, charming, talented….there wasn’t anything you didn’t like about him.

“Uh, yeah,” you tried, taking a deep breath.

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