This Past Week

This past week has been hard. I have been tried and stretched thin. I can only ask that the God and Goddess help me be strong and stand by my family and loved ones. I love my Grandfather, my Papaw. He was the greatest man i have ever known. He was strong and loving. He is the only man in my life that has never let me down. He has always been by my side and in my corner. I miss him so much already.

We all cried and held eachother today as we listened to the service, said our goodbyes before they closed the coffin, and when we left him in the moseleum to be placed in the wall where he will rest with My great Grandfather and Old Mom and eventually where my Grandma will join him.

I just can’t believe that i will never speak to again in this life. I will never hear him say to be safe and come see him. I will never be able to show him my children or wedding dress. I miss him.

One of the hardest parts though is seeing how much everyone else is hurting. To think of my Grandmother living alone and missing him. My brother crying at the funeral home. My mother and aunt losing a father. My family and his friends are all hurting.

We all know that this is for the best. We would never want him to suffer, but it was so quick. He was there and then he was gone. He was sick and then lost. I wish that i could just go back and redo things. Redo the last few weeks. See him more. Tell him what he meant to me. I know that he knows. I know that the God and Goddess are letting him know how much we miss him, that he can hear me speaking to him. I just wish….i just wish…

I wish so badly I could live in a nice, small cabin out in the forest. Somewhere not so densely populated or riddled with trash and litter. But at the same time, it’d be a dream to have a clinker built boat, just big enough to live on. Is that too much to ask for? Well, yes, it is, I haven’t the money for that shit.
Before my gradpa passed away this year, he had two large boats in his yard. The larger of the two was too far gone, it had been that way for years, so it was hauled off, in November I think. But the other one I think is still serviceable. It’d be amazing if I could fix it up, get it out on the water again. Just to have that special, connection, to him again.