grab a cactus

A little something I wrote for @roses-and-oceans because watching her take down 100 cactuars was a nightmare and I couldn’t help myself.

Gender Neutral Reader and the Chocobros.

The Cactuar Incident

“Please, j-just pull it out! I can’t take it anymore!” 
You stood there, looking down at the whimpering blonde as he lay below the four of you on his stomach. Today’s mission had truly been a troublesome one, regardless of its successful outcome. You had to take down a hundred cactuars before dawn and you and the boys had just managed to fill the quota.
Injuries were to a minimal. All for except poor Prompto whom had to be carried back to camp. 
“Hold still, Prom, I can’t when you’re squirming so much,” Noctis said as he carefully took hold of the cactuar that was snuggly attached to his friend’s ass. 

“Don’t get any needles on you,” Ignis adviced as he popped open the medkit and looked over at the two. Gladio stood a bit farther away, trying his best to contain his laughter. You gave the taller man a scolding punch to the arm before going to kneel by Prompto and hold down his waist. 
“Hey, I told you to watch your back,” Gladio teased. 
“Enough bickering and get to it already,” Ignis sighed and nodded to Noct, “Pull when you’re ready.”

Prompto let out a pained whine as Noctis began to pull, unable to keep himself from shying away from his friend’s efforts. 
“D-Damn, it’s really in there. Just how fast was it going at you?” Noctis released the cactuar to pull out a couple needles from his hands before taking hold once more. 
“I don’t kno-OHH!” Prom shouted and jerked his body as Noct gave it another tug.
You scoffed and motioned for you and Noctis to switch positions. 
“Here, let me do it,” you said as the prince took your place and you grabbed the cactus-like creature. “Prompto, I need you to count to three. Can you do that?” 

The blonde nodded, clenching his fists and biting his lip. 
“ Y/N , I thought you’d at least buy him dinner before going to town on his ass,” Gladio laughed as he went to stand by Ignis. 
You bit back a snarky retort, wanting this to be over and done with. 
“Prom, start counting.”

“One…. t-two… thre-EEEEH!!” 
With a swift and hefty tug you managed to dislodge the cactuar from Prompto’s rear, tossing it aside and leaning back on your heels. 
“Nice one,” Noctis commented, giving his blonde friend a pat on the back. Prompto whimpers as he lets his body go limp on the blanket below him, looking up at Ignis who moved the med kit closer to him.

“You’re on your own for this one, my friend.” Ignis adjusts his glasses before getting up and giving the discarded cactuar a kick. 
“I’m not gonna be able to sit for days,” Prompto said as he reached around and started removing needles that had stuck through his pants. 
You gave the back of his leg a gentle pat before standing to stretch your legs. You were about to turn to Gladio, finally about to give him a piece of your mind when you heard shuffling behind you and he conjured his broadsword, swinging it down beside you. 

You jumped back, clutching your chest at the heart attack you nearly had. 
“Gladio, I swear to gods-” You were suddenly shoved aside, knocking you on your ass beside Prompto. 

“It’s getting away!” Gladio grunted as he swung his sword again at the cactuar that had somehow sprung back to life and was running around the campsite. 
“Gladio, you’re going to break something!” Ignis shouted as he stepped out of the tent with a grocery bag filled with ingredients, cautious as to not stand in the reckless man’s way. 

Gladio swung down his sword, effectively stopping the cactuar in its tracks. “Noct, a little help?”
On command, Noctis sprinted forward and gave the cactuar a good kick, sending it flying with a squeak into the dark of night. The two shared a high five, turning to look at the three of you with wide grins that quickly disappeared as you glared daggers at them. Noct quickly turned away, whistling to himself and kicking at the dirt.

“Hey, at least it’s gone,” Gladio said, holding his hands up in defense. 

“If you could stop playing soccer and help start the fire, that would be wonderful,” Ignis scowled and set the bag on the table nearby, motioning for Noctis to help him make dinner. 

“Y/N, while you’re down here, c-could you help me?”
You looked over at the embarrassed Prompto, who was handing you a pair of tweezers. You chuckled and nodded, motioning for him to move closer to the fire that Gladio quickly started up. 

“Sorry ‘bout knocking you over, Y/N,” Gladio said as he sat on the other side of Prompto. 
You rolled your eyes and leaned down to start plucking the needles Prom couldn’t reach. “Well if you ever get a cactuar in your ass, I ain’t helping.” 

since I haven’t given an update on the [microsoft bootup sound] campaign since our first casual session–

  • we are in a tiny desert town with a big drug problem
  • my players weren’t even supposed to know about the drug problem until they got there, but they rolled too high on persuasion with the woman who sent them here and I had to reveal it early
  • in a woman’s home Avi, our incredibly sweet half-orc barbarian, rolled a 2 on perception and went into a daze, and by the time she woke up all the rest of us had already left
  • so she got scared, and her instinct was to grab the sister’s cactus chews, stuff them in her mouth, and bolt
  • before this, a guy had been poking around, hostile toward the party. this was clearly set up as an easy fight.  my players completely avoided it.
  • when we were leaving, @lesbean-alien‘s internet cut out and I was left with a 5-minute break in which I messaged bonnie like HEY UH THEY SKIPPED THE TUTORIAL FIGHT I CAN’T THINK OF ANOTHER PLACE TO DROP IT IN WHAT DO I DO
  • I did not think of anything to fix this
  • when maria came back, we were like “haha uh is avi still in the house” and maria, bless her, decided that yes, avi was still there
  • so avi, mouth full of stolen cactus chews, runs straight past the guy, who grabs her. cue the tutorial fight.
  • oops, something’s gone wrong! avi’s eyes look funny
  • we spend the night at the local brothel, the Frisky Fungus. our paladin mia plays jenga with one of the workers in exchange for free board. no, that is not a euphemism. mia and morguaa played jenga, it was very nice
  • “this’ll probably be a 2, 2 ½ hour session.”  four hours later,

next session–

  • oops, something’s wrong! astrid, take 1 point psychic damage
  • at the Woozy Weasel,  astrid and haarley (my ranger) walk straight up to a couple that’s obviously on a date, “this seat taken?”
  • oops, something’s gone wrong! haarley feels a little funny
  • oops, something’s gone wrong! avi, astrid, and haarley all have disadvantage on wisdom throws
  • also, mia had an allergic reaction to the frisky fungus’s rampant mold problem and had to go to a doctor despite being a healer herself?? it’s fine. so corvus was the only one with nothing weird going on
  • we get that scene from seeso mbmbam where “the wild boys become the cops” as we team up with the police department to find the source of the drug problem

next session–

  • avi wanders off
  • oops, something’s gone wrong! astrid and haarley, take 1 point psychic damage
  • we go back to the tea shop and to haarley and astrid the cactus teas smell uhhhhhhh really good. marissa, astrid’s player, doesn’t want tea, but hahaha um sorry marissa, astrid does want tea. astrid gets tea.
  • at this point we’re starting to suspect that the drugs have to do with the Myrtillo Farms line of cactus products, and corvus has to intimidate haarley into pouring their tea out (…after they’ve already had a few sips)
  • mia joins a cult

@mediocremandy @lesbean-alien @onlyhopeness @mycrazyasian if you guys can remember stuff I’ve forgotten feel free to add it,,

  • it is incredibly difficult to make these posts as the dm, who knows too much and can’t keep track of how much I haven’t revealed yet, and also with a character in the party and figuring out whether to refer to the party in first or third person
  • I also can’t remember what’s happened because I am constantly looking ahead,, I have multiple arcs’ worth of material [taps forehead] in here I can’t store everything 

anonymous asked:

core 6 on a random roadtrip?

  • Their junior year of highschool Minkus buys them tickets for Coachella.
  • They were all going to fly there but Smackle is terrified of flying and the only way to get her to go is to drive there.
  • It’s a 40 hour car ride and Cory literally begs them to fly but they refuse to leave Smackle and decide that if they leave a week early enough they can stop in different cities on their way through.
  • Minkus gets them an eight passenger mom van to drive and Maya lovingly dubs it the “silver bullet”.
  • Everyone tries to convince her to call it something different since a silver bullet could be thought of as dirty, but she refuses to call it anything else. 
  • Lucas drives most of the time because he is the best driver and no one else is quite as trusted to get them to California safely.
  • Riley isn’t allowed to drive because she gets distracted by tall buildings and pretty scenery. 
  • Maya sits in the front passenger seat when Lucas drives because he likes to play country music and Maya would rather jump out of the car than listen to another song about cowboy boots. 
  • Zay makes Lucas take a detour to DC so that he can stop at Langley. He and Maya both spend forty five minutes trying to figure out how they can join the CIA. 
  • Smackle gets offended that they’d rather join the CIA than the NSA. 
  • They spend the day at the Smithsonian and Farkle/Smackle/Maya get really into all of the science exhibits. 
  • Maya leaves them both shocked when she wins a science trivia contest against the two of them.
  • Farkle and Smackle don’t speak to her for two hours until she reminds them that they’ll always be better at everything else than she is. 
  • While driving through Tennessee Farkle sees a sign for the Oak Ridge nuclear facility and forces Lucas to stop there.
  • They spend half a day learning about all of the crazy stuff that went down there back during the cold war.
  • He and Smackle get in trouble for trying to sneak into the top secret area and they’re all forced to leave.
  • While everyone is asleep Lucas drives straight through to Nashville and checks them into a hotel. 
  • When Maya wakes up to see a giant cowboy themed neon sign she yells “absolutely not” and looks up busses to NYC.
  • They spend two days in Nashville and Smackle gets really into the southern aesthetic. She wears cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, and all denim. 
  • Maya and Riley get into a karaoke competition on Broadway at Tootsies in the afternoon and they win $200 dollars. 
  • Since they’re minors they can’t get into any of the bars after ten and Maya promises Lucas that once they’re twenty-one they can come back and have the “full Nashville experience.” 
  • Once they’re almost out of Tennessee they stop at Neely’s BBQ in Memphis because of how much Riley loves the Neely’s TV show.
  • Riley gets BBQ Spaghetti and cries over how good it is and how she’s never leaving Memphis.
  • Zay has to throw her over his shoulder to get her out of the restaurant. 
  • Maya buys three boxes of takehome BBQ spaghetti and a few bottles of Neely’s BBQ sauce so that Riley can have some on the road.
  • Riley eats all three boxes within two hours of leaving the restaurant and they have to pull over at a rest stop because she gets sick.
  • They stop in Little Rock, Arkansas because Zay saw something at a rest stop about gem stone digging and he wants to do it.
  • Lucas finds a Ruby in his hunk of dirt and has it turned into a necklace at the tourist shop for Maya.
  • Farkle and Smackle find a bunch of awesome gemstones and buy little collectable books to keep theirs in.
  • Zay and Riley turn all of theirs into jewelry and they both walk around acting like they’re super rich.
  • Maya gives hers to Riley because Riley’s excitement over them was adorable.
  • After they leave Little Rock they get a hotel on the side of the road in between Little Rock and Oklahoma City. The hotel gets their bed request wrong and they all have to sleep on one giant king sized bed.
  • When they wake up in the morning the girls are all cuddled up with eachother, Zay has Maya’s legs on top of him, Farkle is falling off of the edge of the bed, and Lucas is on the floor. 
  • They make a stop in Oklahoma City because Maya wants to go to the Bombing memorial. She buys a bouquet of flowers and puts a flower on the names of everyone who has a birthday that week.
  • Maya ends up walking off by herself for about an hour and just crying because the memorial is so beautiful, and being from NYC and visiting the 911 memorial she feels connected to the victims.
  • She sits quietly in her seat during the hour and a half drive to Amarillo, Texas and decides to herself to paint something for the museum when she gets home. 
  • They stop in Amarillo and go to Cadillac Ranch because Lucas and Zay went there when they were little and they wanted to see if their names were still painted on a car. 
  • It of course wasn’t and they get super offended for about ten minutes before deciding to repaint the cars.
  • All six of the kids paint their own area of a car. Riley paints a purple cat, Lucas paints his name, Farkle paints a robot, Smackle paints flowers, Zay paints a self portrait of himself, and Maya turns the entire car into the NYC skyline.
  • They all have dinner at Cadillac ranch and lay under the stars until it closes. Then they get a hotel right outside of Amarillo.
  • At the hotel they get two rooms with a conjoined door. Smackle and Zay stay in one room watching some history film, Riley and Farkle stay in the other watching Hairspray, Lucas and Maya end up out in the hot tub all night talking about life and trying to count the stars.
  • The next morning Zay finds out that they have to drive through Albuquerque and he begs everyone to stop at the HSM school.
  • They do, and since school is in session they pretend like they go there so that they can get in.
  • Zay and Riley stand in front of Sharpay’s locker and basically cry for ten minutes until Maya has to force them to leave.
  • Riley also begs Farkle to reenact some of the scenes between Troy and Gabriella that take place in the hallway. He does but then the principal calls them out to ask why they arent in class and they take off running  to their car.
  • Lucas gets tired of driving and Maya tries to drive. She lasts for about an hour before they collectively decide she has to stop because she’s trying to race other cars.
  • She also played a game called “let’s piss off everyone” where she drove in the fast lane at the same speed as the car next to her in the slow lane. People were honking at her. There was a line of about twenty cars behind them.
  • Zay had to take over driving because Maya was definitely going to get them killed. 
  • When they get to Phoenix Zay dares Maya to grab a cactus. She does and ends up getting stuck.
  • They have to go to the ER to get it taken out because Farkle doesn’t want her to get an infection and Smackle convinces her that if she does get an infection he entire hand will fall off.
  • That was the moment that Lucas decided not to leave Zay and Maya alone together.
  • Riley convinces everyone to stop at this restaurant in Tempe called Phoenix Market where she orders her weight in Nachos and declares that she’s never leaving Phoenix.
  • They get a hotel in Tempe and Farkle begs them to stop at a Walmart so that he can buy eggs and a skillet for a science experiment. 
  • It’s the first Walmart that Maya, Riley, Farkle, and Smackle have ever been in (Since they dont have them in NY) and they spend two hours going crazy over all of the things you can buy. 
  • The next morning everyone wakes up to find that Farkle and Smackle are missing. When they look outside of the hotel room they see the two of them with a skillet on the ground in the parking lot and the two of them are frying eggs.
  • They have scrambled eggs for breakfast and Riley spends twenty minutes complaining about the 115 degree weather in the spring.
  • The drive from Tempe to Coachella is 3 and a half hours and in that time Lucas convinces them to stop at In n out three times.
  • He practically cries when he takes a bite because the last time he ate In n Out was in Dallas like four years ago and he’s missed it so much.
  • Riley doesnt understand what the big deal about In n Out is and Lucas kicks her out of the trip.
  • Maya kicks him from under the table and he invites her back in. 
  • When they finally get to Coachella they find out Minkus has gotten them a huge camper for the weekend and they spend the weekend having the best time ever.
  • After Coachella is over they decide to go a slightly different way home and end up taking a slight detour to LA where they spend three days.
  • Once they leave LA they drive to the Grand Canyon and spend a day listening to Maya cry about how beautiful all of the colors are and Riley cry about how clear the sky is. 
  • Then they drive through Vegas and listen to Zay cry about how much he wishes he was twenty one because he wants to have a night like the hangover. 
  • They also stop in Denver, Chicago, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh before getting home. 
  • They dub it the greatest trip ever and decide to do it every summer until they’re dead. 


marbleousmego  asked:

3 facts, 1 lie: I accidently grabbed a cactus thinking it was a flower, I've been on multiple men's sports teams, part of my body isn't real, I've punched a cop.

Uh uh uh uh… I’m going to go with body part? XD I always fail at these!

so i bought 2 cacti today and they were in the back seat footwell next to a bag that had a chocolate i bought in it and i reached back to grab the bag like i gripped so i’d grab the plastic of the bag with the chocolate in it and i 100% grabbed the cactus like i 100% gripped it there was not one single ounce of non-grip and i lifted my hand away and the cactus held onto me for like a second then it fell back down and i just sat there in my car silently screaming for like 2 minutes and my hand is still sort of tingly