Oh gosh, I have indeed although things have not been clear in my mind for a while around it all. I am slowly coming to realise that I may never feel “ready” to make a decision but that I should try to listen to what I believe is right for me deep down. As you may have seen, I heard from Bristol University last week and they have said that I can defer my entry (after talking to the admissions tutor) and have asked me to get back to them as soon as possible.
I am incredibly worried about “making the wrong decision” but I know that if it were another person in my position and they were asking me for advice, that I would remind them that there is no “right” or “wrong” decision.
The opportunity to travel to NZ under such circumstances may never come my way again, and I don’t want to look back in regret having not taken it. Yes I am incredibly worried that I may be trying to take on more than I can, but this is still many months away. Personally, I don’t know whether I would be “ready” to head back to University this year if I am honest. I came home for a reason and that was to get better. It has not been easy thus far and I know that there is still time before i would be going to Uni but I really feel like I need a bit more time to FIND ME. A bit more soul searching? Discovery? Not only that but I have always, for as long as I can remember, wanted to go travelling - in particular to NZ to see my family out there. Looking at the opportunities out there and the tours of the islands fills me with a sort of excitement that I have never felt before. I want to explore. Travel. See the world.
Yes I am worried about going to University at the age of 21, but in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? University will ALWAYS be there no matter what, whereas the chance to travel like this may not. The last thing I would want would be to go to uni and settle in and say that I would travel afterwards but then get tied into a job straight out of University like my brother did. I don’t think I will get this opportunity again. Yes seeing seeing more people go this Sept/October will be difficult and watching as all my school friends graduate even before i have started university will be even harder. but maybe it is okay to not be there. Maybe it is okay to take my own path, to find out what I want from life a little more. There is so much more to life than just following the education system because that is what we have been told is the “right” thing to do - I want to go when I AM READY. And maybe that isn’t this coming year but that’s okay.
As you can probably tell, I am definitely swaying one way rather than the other.
Making a definite decision is proving extremely difficult. Almost impossible. But I WILL make my decision. I will start to put myself first and actually LISTEN to what I want for once. THIS IS MY LIFE. I MAKE THE CHOICES. And heck, if this isnt a motivator to help me really break free of anorexia once and for all then I don’t know what will be xxxxx