You're right. And I'm sorry...
You’re right, to say that it just scares the crap out of you.
You didn’t even say the words that I did, but just reading that made my heart sink. I can’t even begin to imagine what your heart must’ve felt.
I’m sorry. For putting you through that. You never deserved to see that. To make you feel like that.
I was stupid. And an idiot.
And if I could take it all back, I would. In a heartbeat.
I wasn’t myself. When I wrote that.
To be completely honest, I didn’t even remember that I typed that. It just wasnt me. Not anymore.
You said that you’ve never seen me make a post like that, and it was for a reason.
You came around, and I just didn’t want to die anymore. I actually wanted to live. And I’m not taking about the beginning of the year us getting together, no. I’m talking the, “hey, what’s your name” messages. Back when we really started talking.
You just made me feel something else. You never knew it, but you changed me. I may still have dealt with depression every now and then. But I didn’t have any suicidal thoughts. Not anymore.
And the crash, it was kind of like a trigger.
You take all the built up anxiety I had.
Mix in a little fear and depression about losing you.
And top it off with a near death experience, it pushed me over the edge. And I couldn’t hold on.
It made me sink to a place I didn’t want to be.
Because the truth is, I don’t want to die.
The truth is, I would never want to leave you alone,not just here in the physical world, but anywhere.
“I just want to go to the nearest bridge and jump”
“Well you better wait until I get to be next to you, because if you jump, ill be holding you the whole way down”
Do you remember that?
I never want to leave you.
You are my everything, and to know that I hurt you so much, it just killed me inside.
I wasn’t in my right mind. And I was an idiot for even thinking such a thing.
I know it’s not an excuse. And I know it’s not the easiest thing to forgive.
But I hope you accept my apology. I really am sorry baby. And I promise, you will never hear those words come out of me again.
I just hope you can forgive me. And we can go back to how things used to be.
Like today, we didn’t get to oovoo, but we texted all day. And it felt good talking to you. I think I even made you laugh a couple times. And it felt even better not having it end in an argument. I just hope we can keep that going from here.
I just can’t help but think, of how cute you look with those braids. And seeing your face after so long, oh you have no idea how much of a dork I looked with such a big smile.
Although, I am greedy. I don’t just want to settle with talking to you over text. And seeing you over video.
I want to be there. With you.
I want to be able to hold you. And kiss you.
I want to be able to come up behind you, wrap my arms around your waist. And kiss your cheek. And just think to myself “how did I ever get this lucky?” I want it. So bad.
I have enough money now. And if you’ll still have me, I’d love to fly over and see you. And be with you. It’s only be less than a month now. And I want to make it happen.
You mean everything to me baby, never forget that. And I’d do anything for you, especially to see that gorgeous smile of yours.