‘Irony has given Nigel Farage another kick in the goolies this week with news that the UK has met the target dictated by Brussels for recycling as much rubbish as possible, thanks mainly to millions of anti-European UKIP leaflets going straight in the bin.
European Environment Commissioner Karmenu Vella travelled by EuroStar to Thanet, where he caught up with Nigel Farage who was there on election campaign business.
“I have come to thank you personally, Monsieur Fromage (sic),” the Commissioner told him, “for your generous contribution of paper-based rubbish which tipped the balance and made the UK do as it’s told for once.”
The Commissioner then pinned a badge on Farage’s coat, depicting the EU emblem with the words “I did my bit for Europe” underneath. A modest Farage blushed excessively on receiving the award and, mouth agape, was lost for words, while two of his heavies accidentally both punched the Commissioner believing him to be a common assailant m’lud.
It’s not the first time that Farage has suffered at the hands of self-inflicted irony. “Yes, I’m against Europe, but that doesn’t mean I’m anti-European. After all, I married one of their lot,” he said, referring to his German wife.
As the end of election campaigning draws near, Farage is looking increasingly desperate.
“If I can’t close the borders on Europe how else can I stop her relatives keep coming over for visits? They come over here in their leather breeches, drinking ale from unhygienic pots with pewter lids, going on and on about sausages and sauerkraut and showing me their endless photos of buildings in Berlin, mainly sausage shops. I have that nightmare every night.”’