here’s the thing: my subconscious knew i was queer long before i did. it would whisper in my ear “that cute girl over there? you can’t look away because she’s prettier than you. you’re not gay, just jealous”. my subconscious did not want me to realize my queerness because it thought, maybe if i knew why i felt different, maybe if i knew why i always felt like i didn’t quite belong, maybe if i accepted that part of myself, i’d stop hating myself. my subconscious never wanted me to stop hating myself.
i figured it out though. it took an eternity and i spent months google searching shit like “girl kiss girl” “girl like girl not gay” “what is. bi?” “pansexual???” “am i gay quiz” without seeing truly what should have been obvious.
without seeing that the reason why i checked girls out wasn’t because everyone does it, but because i am queer.
and i am. i am queer. i will not take the labels that society wishes to shove them down my throat and choke me with; i will not choose your comfort over my own. i’m sorry that i refuse to fit your happy little box of “those gays”. i refuse to be neat and nice, because i am neither neat nor nice, i’m a motherfucking disaster.
i was raised as a girl and even though that is not who i am, that doesn’t negate the shame society shoves into every crack they can find. girls are taught that they are never good enough, that they will never be as good as guys. and though i am not a girl, society still shoved that shame into the cracks between my psyche, the cracks in my spine. it still made me feel like i could never hope to be enough.
i have the shame of a girl. a fat girl, a queer girl, a smart girl, a mean girl.
i dont remember the exact moment i realized i liked girls. i mean back in the beginning of middle school i was thinking maybe, maybe. i played around with the idea of being lesbian back when i was like twelve but i dropped that bc of heteronormativity whatever, brushed it off as being “childish” or like it was a phase. then when i was around fourteen i started finding girls attractive again and i was so… in denial? like i googled shit like “can girls find girls attractive without being gay” bc. i dont know.
maybe it was around a year after i started this blog that i became more accepting of the idea. and then i guess it just happened. i dont know.
anyway im sorry for rambling i dont think anyone reads this even but it feels good to discuss it i guess. happy pride month.
An up-close of a painting I made for my boyfriend. Shoutout to @ewomgcharlie ! For anyone who hasn’t seen the mural of the Strawberry Girl in Richmond Virginia fucking google dat shit! It’s by far my favorite mural EVER!
Pairing: Y/N | Ashton Smut:yes | no Request:yes | Ashton cheated on you while on tour Words: 2400+
She always thought she had everything under control. Sure, dating a band member was never easy and it never would, she had to deal with jealousy, distance and having her private life exposed to the public eye in every tabloid whenever she would dare to do something as random as grabbing a coffee or hanging out with her friends. But still, Ashton was worth it. He was the most perfect boyfriend she could’ve wished for and whenever she felt down or slightly upset, he would always be there to support her and prove his undying love to her.