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Alabama - racist and homophobic. i think u like statues cuz you’ve got a giant fucking one called vulcan thats like what? 100,000 pounds?? ??? wow. very extra.
Alaska - i only know one person from alaska but they’re a trump supporter going to art school so i imagine they aren’t having a great time. also my parents ditched me in illinois for a week to go there on vacation. lots of bears.
Arizona - irrational hatred of mexicans in the southern part. my pe coach from elementary school who is now a convicted pedophile loved it there. very hot but not humid. cacti. you serve rattlesnake and rabbit sausage and i was forced to sit and watch as my brother ate it just to spite me.
Arkansas - like alabama but a lil better. you’ve got the whole southern hospitality thing goin’ on. you made it illegal for a rivers water level to rise above a bridge. how are y’all gonna enforce that? tell nature to stop?
California - very liberal but the three people i know who live there are hella conservative. suffocate them. do it for me. also pretty chill people but don’t take criticism well. gay
Colorado - nice weather. outdoorsy people. wyomings less racist cousin. lots of critters. nice people but no chill about skiing or snowboarding.
Connecticut - people go through ur state to get to other states. everyone i know from connecticut is not there now.
Delaware - people go to ur state to shop since y’all don’t have a sales tax. ur really fucking flat. ur gonna be one of the first to go with rising sea levels. also no national parks???
Florida - my uncle worked on airplanes in miami for 50 years and hated it. you fucked us all. the only person i know from florida doesn’t believe in evolution. racists up north, gays in the south. disney world
Georgia - coca cola and the walking dead. people only care about atlanta. art hoes chill in savannah. had first college for women. for some reason ur not allowed to live on a boat for more than 30 days in a year??? ? why
Hawaii - you get a lot of tourists and they’re usually inadvertently racist. v liberal. the Most liberal in the country. screw california. lots of culture. good food.
Idaho - potatoes. a made up word. ppl thought it was indian but it wasn’t. its gibberish. nice. a metric fuckton of gem stones.
Illinois -north is liberal. south is, according to my mom who grew up there, ‘the armpit of the rest of the state.’ her town was small & when it tried to start a kkk they couldn’t because people recognized their shoes. my grandma is 45 minutes away from the nearest walmart.
Indiana - home to mike pence. crazy corn people. my mom’s bff lives there and she’s crazy but super sweet. inidana means ‘indian land’ but that obvs didn’t work out. also there’s a law against fishing with dynamite and guns?? ?
Iowa - actually make more corn than indiana but don’t tell them. also make a fuckton of alcohol. ur name is mostly vowels which is gr8. also first female lawyer. ppl are typically nice, but also might shoot u
Kansas - contains the geographic center of the US. first woman mayor. my dad ditched me in illinois to pick up an RV in kansas. passionate about trucks.
Kentucky - don’t go if u have allergies. to anything. horses and racism. also fried chicken. u aren’t allowed to throw eggs at public speakers or you could go to jail. lots of weird space shit. u built a town in a meteor crater which is cool.
Louisiana - people only care about jazz and the new orleans. lots of drunk ass college kids. humid af. sorry u have to live with that. u follow napoleon law instead of english common law like literally every other state. less racist than others but still kinda racist.
Maine - might as well be canada. lotsa lobsters and trees. not allowed to keep christmas decorations up after the 14 of january?? only one syllable. people are chill. my dads friends own some islands up there. like small islands. chunks of rock really. they aren’t rich but they are usually drunk.
Maryland - obsessed with ur flag and crabs. old bay on everything not just crabs. chocolate, popcorn, regular corn, potatoes. u need help. identity issues. north or south? who knows? they dont. also jousting is the state sport?? and ur judges wear red robes? called ‘america in miniature’ ur the only state with an official exercise and its…walking jfc
Massachusetts - will tell everyone they are from mass. ur not allowed to be cold because they have been Colder. ur state is too hot 4 them. lots of smart colleges, lots of dumb people. good hospitals and healthcare. v progressive. probably learned too much about them in 8th grade us history. first to legalize gay marriage A+
Michigan - the people i know from Michigan are incredibly salty about flint and pretty artistic/creative. lots of lakes. giant fucking lakes. literally named for an indian word that means ‘giant fucking lakes’ ur the only place in the gotdamn world with a floating post office. makes sense cuz ur mostly fucking lake.
Minnesota - no one really knows what u do. you’d be like the quiet emo kid that sits in the back of the class and says nothing. ur really cold. you’ve got a lot of malls. and a lot of fucking lakes. not big lakes but like 11,000 itsy bitsy lakes. u look like swiss cheese.
Mississippi - racist but getting better…at least you were. ur mostly known for your river. people spell the name of ur state for fun. for some reason you have a cactus plantation???? the worlds only cactus plantation??? ?? why
Missouri - misery Missouri. u really fucking love fountains? only rome has more fountains than kansas city, missouri like? wow. you also have the arch which is great but also a lot of murder. also, a lot of caves which is awesome
Montana - mountainy af. do you even have cities? v cold. holds record for coldest temp in US (-70F) and largest snowflake. wow. also illegal to pretend to abuse an animal in front of a minor. nice. first woman in congress. very pretty state but no one lives there.
Nebraska - hell state. flat. its so flat. my family was driving through nebraska??? and like?? your houses are like three miles apart. at a minimum? we drove three hours out of the way to look at fossils. but there weren’t any? and we passed like 16 houses maybe?
Nevada - desert trash children. literally just does not rain. las vegas is okay. i went and a homeless dude was telling dirty jokes for money. lots of homeless people. highest suicide rating of any state. i shot a machine gun and strange man came up to me and told me i was a good shot??
New Hampshire - republican cousin of vermont. lots of nature, which is ironic. very outdoorsy. entire state smells like pine trees. u only have 13 miles of ocean coastline which is v sad. sorry. also not legally required to wear a seat belt??? ur state motto is weirdly intense ‘live free or die’ yikes
New Jersey - interesting accent. hair gel up the wazoo on the men. lots of fucking diners. also the worlds biggest statue of a tooth??? ? why? i know one boy from new jersey who came to college with only five white-wife beaters and two gym shorts. his name was Tony.
New Mexico - arizonas nicer cousin. Not As Hot as you would expect. lots of cacti. super pretty architecture. desert aesthetic and aliens. ur lawmakers don’t get paid?? also ur capital is super cool and v old.
New York - ur all assholes but its okay because u have to deal with tourists. liberal and educated but not v nice. superiority complex sometimes. nyc has more people than 39 of the 50 us states. y’all are packed like rats. also lots of celebrities
North Carolina - transphobic af. also u have a lot of sweet potatoes?? ur beaches are generally pretty crowded but can be nice. I have a friend that lives there now; she says the weather is v nice. v good at basketball.
North Dakota - boring. for some reason its still legal to shoot an indian if they’re on horseback and ur in a covered wagon??? obsessed with buffalo. also very cold
Ohio - people only care about you around election time. ur flag isn’t a rectangle?? hipster trash. also its illegal to get a fish drunk?? ????? do people even fish in ohio? what is this
Oklahoma - u get a lot of tornadoes and most people don’t even care because you kind of suck. ironically u were the last state to declare xmas a legal holiday tho but i guess being first to go for lethal injection makes up for it. not even carrie underwood can save this state.
Oregon - v liberal but to the point of being pretentious. great weather. the people are generally nice but also v weird?? I went and a guy was unironically riding down the street on a penny farthing? p sure everyone is high. also drivers have to yield to pedestrians….who are on the sidewalk???
Pennsylvania - ur a wannabe confederate state like?? get over it ur in the north pal. also u have the oldest continuously operating book shop in the US and maybe the world. u could have saved us but you didn’t. your weather is v inconsistent. not uncommon to see amish people on the side of a high way in their buggies. your sports fans are kinda scary
Rhode Island - smol. first state to stick it to britain. u really like tennis which is weird because ur windy af. first state to abolish death penalty. ur state motto is just the word ‘hope’??? also ur flag looks like a fifth graders art project but its nice?
South Carolina - crocodiles and beaches. my cousin and i went down and she made me play pokémon go with her except we were barefoot and it led us right to an 8 foot crocodile. also we found pickled pig parts in a sketchy gas station in a jar. not for sale. just there. also the anti-choice gory fetus signs on the side of the road are classy.
South Dakota - better than north dakota. very pretty. giant fucking fossil named sue. lots of fossils in general. you like big rocks with faces carved onto them. u didn’t stop with the presidents; now ur making one for crazy horse (and it looks better).
Tennessee - ur state is most referenced in a crappy pick up line. you’re to blame for mountain dew. most people only think of graceland and elvis which is fine cuz thats all you care about too. my friend went there and asked for chicken at a fast food restaurant but they didn’t have any and her phone broke.
Texas - not as racist as people think, but still pretty racist. austin is v liberal but thats about it. you keep trying to secede (again) and its as funny as it is pathetic. have a huge bat colony - largest in the world, but they’re mexican freetail bats so u probably want to get rid of them. unironically wear cowboy hats.
Utah - mormons like literally there are so many mormons that its the least diverse state in terms of religion. very pretty tho. ur state motto is just the word ‘industy’ ??? ?? ???? also u really like skiing and snowboarding.
Vermont - v liberal. pure. also should probably be canadian since u make a lot of syrup. also home to ben and jerrys. very green and lots of critters. very pretty mountains. the people are really chill and probably annoyed ppl confuse vermont with new hampshire.
Virginia - u can’t drive. ur really competitive with marylanders but its kind of onesided?? u also donated land to build DC. weirdly specific hunting laws? no animals can be hunted on sundays except raccoons which can be hunted until 2 am??? why do u hunt raccoons? very political. lots of history. everyone is named james.
Washington - seattle is the only thing people think of unless they’ve seen twilight in which case: forks. very green and grey color scheme. named after the primero prez. home to starbucks like literally there is one on every corner. also u have an active volcano which is cool but it has killed people which isn’t
West Virginia - ur very racist but you don’t even try to hide it? u didn’t have a starbucks until 2003. You know coal isn’t coming back and you don’t know why trump thinks he can make it come back. But you voted for him anyway.
Wisconsin - Cheese. v religious and not the loving god kind; very hellfire and brimstone. you have a hamburger hall of fame and u also tried to do the noahs ark theme park but im p sure that didn’t work out well.
Wyoming - racist which is ironic since ur the equality state and also you’re obsessed with guns.yellowstone national park is p much the only reason people go there. you carry shotguns around with you for no good reason.