Hugging Michael goodbye and you swear he’s silently crying, so you’re about to cry when you nuzzle your nose into his neck and he giggles, causing you both to cheer up a bit.

Of course you’re the only one I want right now. You’re the only person I want to tell me that I’ll be okay and that I won’t be alone.
Of course I only want your voice at the other end of the phone and your fingers texting me that you’ll be there, even if you’re far away.
Of course you’re the only one I want to cry to, double text, and tell all my feelings to.
Now that you’re gone, of course I’m laying in bed, thinking only about you and desperately hoping you’ll text me at 1 am to wish me luck on my next semester of college.
Of course you’re the one I miss when you’re the only one I can’t have.
—  k.r.b.// if only you were still here
Goodbyes Are Hard:

My first fic in a while, and I’m pretty sure my last for a while at least. I’m not sure whether to continue writing about tayvin. It feels unfair and disrespectful to drag it out when Taylor and Calvin obviously want to leave it behind. It’s been the most fun, though, writing about this magical relationship and reading all the other fanfics. I’ll miss each and every one of my readers if I do stop writing. You have been so supportive and before I go off on an emotional rant, here’s my (possible) last Tayvin fanfic ever.


Taylor knew it would turn into a fight. She knew that picking out his annoying habit of drumming his fingers on his leg would set them both off into accusations and insults. But somehow, she also knew they needed this. She knew in the back of her mind that their happiness was splitting down the middle and the pain was seeping through. She knew that it was only hurting them further to keep pushing through.

It was like they were dragging a boulder up a hill. They didn’t have the strength or coordination anymore to work together. It was hard to accept, but they needed to stop ignoring that they just weren’t happy anymore.

So she made the shout that started the avalanche.

“Can you please stop that, it’s so annoying.” Taylor asked, attitude lacing her voice. A year ago, they would have both cracked up, passing the comment off as humorous sarcasm. A lot had changed in a year.

“Why do you have to pick on everything I do? You’d think after a year you’d be used to it! I’m not the only one with annoying habits,” Adam accused, hands flying wildly to emphasise his point.

“I never said I don’t have annoying habits. I know I’m far from perfect, Adam, but you constantly try to make me feel like I’m degrading you when I’m not and make me feel guilty for innocent actions. I just asked you to stop because I find it annoying.” Taylor bit back harshly.

Back and forth, back and forth. It was like watching a game of tennis as they fired insults towards each other and slowly broke the other’s armour of patience until they were exhausted with the pointless bickering.

“I give up, Adam.” Taylor’s voice broke. “I give up. You win whatever game we’re playing just so we can prolong the inevitable. I’m tired of us fighting. I’m tired of saying ‘I love you’ just because it’s routine. I’m tired of trying to make this relationship work when we don’t even put in the effort anymore. I’m tired of feeling like it’s a chore to kiss you. There’s no happiness between us anymore.” A lump formed in her throat and tears streamed silently down her cheeks. “We’ve run our course, we had our time. Once the effort is gone, we have to leave sometime too. I loved you. I still do. But not the same way I used to. I’m not in love with you. We don’t smile the way we used to, we don’t laugh at inside jokes. Adam,” she swallowed back a sob. “We’re done.”

“I’m so sorry, Tay. I’m sorry it has to end this way. I love you so much and I respect the woman you are and the love you’ve given me more than words can express but I can’t find the spark we once had. We were so happy. We were so unbreakable. But now we’re just bored and impatient. We’ve fallen out of love. I can see it in the way you smile at me and I can feel it in the way you don’t hold my hand as tight or want to warm your feet with mine at night. I just- you deserve happiness and love from a guy. I can’t give you that anymore. I’m sorry.” Adam tugged at her arms and pulled her into his chest for the last time. Their last hug. He held her as she cried but they could both feel the subtle tension and the awkwardness. They didn’t fit together as well as they once did. Like shoes from when you were younger that pinched your toes now that you’d grown out of them.

Once they pulled back, Taylor drying her tears from her cheeks with a sniffle, they looked at each other with finality. Dreaded eyes and desperate hands clinging onto arms. Adam recalled to mind how they used to be in this exact position right before one would have to leave for another country or state and they wouldn’t see each other for weeks. Goodbyes were hard.

They both felt the pain weighing down on their chests as they took in each other’s faces. “Taylor, you are the brightest light anyone could wish for and just- thank you for giving me the best year of my life.” Adam whispered, kissing her forehead lightly in a bittersweet gesture.

“Goodbye Adam. Thank you for the happiness you gave me. I’ll never regret meeting you.” Taylor whispered back. She pulled away before she kissed him and only added more pain to her heavy heart. She couldn’t do that to herself, selfishly shielding herself from more pain.

Adam gave her one last pained look before he turned and picked up his keys and jacket and left the house, door closing loudly behind him.

It almost felt wrong, but she knew that they were saving each other more pain in the long run. She had found such comfort in him that she didn’t want to lose it, but she knew she couldn’t force being in love with him when they shifted further apart with every goodbye.

They both knew they would inevitably see each other again, but this was their goodbye to the year of their lives they gave to each other. It was a goodbye to their love. It was a goodbye to their fizzling relationship. And somehow that was worth a goodbye. It was almost like they were both parting from their love for each other rather than each other as people. There would be no last ditch effort or salvaging of the dwindled flame; they had to be mature and accept that sometimes it just ended and that couldn’t be helped.

So there she stood. Alone and heartbroken. And she couldn’t help but realise she had been here before. She had been betrayed, forgotten, ignored and told she just wasn’t enough for someone in the past. She was no stranger to the heavy, painful beat of a breaking heart.

She also realised that this time, she had hope. She had tasted freedom, happiness and contentment before she had met Adam. He hadn’t tore through her life, guns blazing, and distanced her from her friendships or changed any aspect of her routine. She still went to dinner with friends, had movie nights, binged on pizza and shared advice on relationships her friends were confused about. He hadn’t changed her life completely. He was simply another person who experienced her life with her but she had lost somewhere between the 'I love you’s and the final crack that made the home they had made for themselves within each other crumble to dust.

He was a hole in her heart, a scar to her soul, but a memory to make her smile. She couldn’t deny the happiness he had given her. The nights she would have once spent alone with takeout and TV show marathons were filled with home cooking and laughter bouncing off of every wall. Being the third wheel turned into double dates. Early nights she once spent on Tumblr gradually turned into early mornings with tangled legs and sheets. Waking up and making breakfast had turned into getting woken up to a kiss and the smell of pancakes. It was little things that had integrated themselves into her once-free time that she knew she would miss the most.

Now she would have to move on and forget those in time. She knew all it would take is time. All it would take is new routines and reminders of the love she still has in her life from her friends and families. She wanted the pain to go away but knew wounds from shards of broken trust only heal in time.

Until that time, she would fall in love with the simplicities of loneliness once again and keep following her heart. She would move on and she would become stronger. She would love again because happiness is worth the pain.

At that moment she was reminded of her favourite quote by C.S. Lewis, “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” and she knew she would be okay because she had believed that quote once before, in a moment of pure bliss. She knew she would feel that freedom again.

Goodbyes are hard, but she just has to soldier on.


Love you guys! Thank you for your support this past year!

This hourglass has lost more sand than we have time for filling.

        Walking back to my car under 

     the silence of afternoon rain and the 

                   color red reaching 

             beyond our structure, we 

         found no shelter behind jeep doors.

  Goodbye is a long and quiet series of events

that were written in the rocks above our heads

before we had a chance to carve our initials


                      an hourglass.

                When we kiss, I find

     grains of sand between your teeth

                  and swallow them.

       How much time do we have left?

      You wipe the mud from my face,

             but it is still on your fingers. 

      We know this is not quicksand, but

                      we are sinking.       

chescaleigh Today we got the sad news that @thenightlyshow has been cancelled. I truly couldn’t have asked for a better show to help me grow as a writer and performer. I’ve learned so much from the cast, writers, producers and Larry. While saying goodbye is hard, I can’t wait to see what’s next for all of us. Here’s to always keeping it 100 no matter where we end up. Thanks for the laughs fam.

“Why are you crying?” He asked.

His face contorted in concern and I opened my mouth to try and explain. Except the words fell short. I cried harder.

He took my hand.

“You’re just moving. It’ll be okay.”

He wrapped his arms around me in a hug.

“I imagined a million ways to say goodbye to you and now, now I can’t think of any of them because I don’t want to say goodbye.”

And then he was crying too.

—  Excerpt of a book I’ll never write #037

For several years now I’ve been hurt by this realization that I’m not as close as I used to be with the people who were once my whole world. I’ve struggled to accept that I’m not needed and that my friendship is no longer as valuable as it used to be, and perhaps it never was. I’ve been blaming myself all this time, thinking maybe if I wasn’t so different, if I wasn’t so open and affectionate, if I could be more like everyone else around me then I wouldn’t have scared them off. I realize there’s too much self-hate and blame, and I’m ready to be done with it. Part of the reason it’s so hard to make new friends and connections, is because I’m terrified that I’m too different and that I don’t know the rules. It’s a hard thing to admit and accept but honestly, I’m tired. I’m ready to let go of people and just wish them the best. It’s okay if I’m too much or people don’t know what to do with me. Hell, I don’t even know what to do with me. It’s been a hard journey but it’s part of who I am, and the people I’m looking for, the REAL ones, hopefully our paths will cross soon. I feel I can breathe a little easier now.