“thank you for sharing these past 5 years together with us in our small apartment here in London. we’ve had a great time running up and down the 47 stairsteps everyday and walking into our beloved kitchen glass door every now and then. but now it’s finally time to say goodbye to this apartment which we will no longer call our home and move on. so let’s share 5 more years together at our new place, in our new home”
I wrote this short thing for the needle wizard,
pencil sorceress and all around magnificent friend, the lovely @outlanderedandoverhere. Master
Seamstress shares with me the love for Ed Sheeran and I couldn’t resist the
urge to have her doing a happy dance over this. Enjoy! X
I entered the small coffee shop, unfolding my
scarf as soon as I felt the merciful warmth of the heating system, aiming
towards a quiet table at the corner, as I shook off snowflakes from my curls.
As I waited for the small waitress to bring me
my cranberry scone and a large cup of steaming tea, I opened my notebook and
started reading the notes I had taken. It was a very hard case, a young patient
with a rare tumor compressing his bile duct – presenting with jaundice, looking
like the most recent character of The
Simpsons. The previous surgeon in charge of the case had announced it to be
unresectable, which gave him about three months of life expectancy. At the age
of thirty, you are seldom ready for your life to end – least of all without throwing
a good fight.
And that was what I was planning to offer him –
a risky procedure, only done in the past by a handful of surgeons in the
country. If it worked, he would be cancer free – and it was my job to guarantee
it worked. I had barely slept the last couple of nights, immersed in planning
the surgery to the finest detail.
I loved my job, fiercely – even in the moments
I hated it. I never lost the tingling on my palms when I held the scalpel or
the sudden feel of a jump inside my belly, like I had missed a step, whenever I
finished a hazardous procedure. Besides, it was a very welcome distraction from
the wreckage of my personal life.
I sipped my tea, delighted with the smoky taste
of the Highland blend, strong and homely on the back of my tongue. It reminded
me of the taste of his skin against
my lips and I swallowed hard, slightly shaking my head to disperse unwelcome
The bell above the door rang, a small tornado
of snow allowed in as new customers entered the cosy place. I bit the back of
my pencil, tilting my head to better discern an approach, as I mobilized the
invisible pancreas before me. I smiled, seeing the vessels and ducts so well
exposed in the eye of my mind, ready to be conquered, and raised my eyes to ask
for a second congratulatory scone.
I saw his back but recognized him immediately –
I had kissed that spot just behind his
ear, where his hair curled at the nape, countless times.
He was wearing his pilot uniform underneath his
overcoat, the flight captain’s hat placed next to his elbow on the table. I had
a sudden flash of his hands placing that hat on my head, a playful smile on his
full lips, his slightly callused hands roaming my otherwise naked body. No.
Without thinking, I was already making myself
small on my table, shrinking to the point where I could almost hide under the
tasteful tablecloth – wishing I had gone to another place, in another time, in
Only then I noticed he had company - a cute
blonde girl wearing stewardess clothes, her lips painted red to match the satin
scarf prettily tied around her neck in a bow. She sat in front of him on the
table, a complicit smile plastered on her face, as he talked – probably sharing
something about a recent trip.
He was always coming and going, flying around
the world – I remembered all too well setting my alarm to the middle of the
night, just so I could listen to his voice in Tokyo. Kissing him goodbye – there had been so many goodbyes, not enough
hellos – before he left to New York. Texting him, unsure where in the world
he was exactly – but painfully aware it wasn’t by my side.
The nights became so long, always craving,
always wondering. I felt split in two, half of myself scattered in the wind,
travelling on the air - while the other half was forced to anchor it, bearing
down, struggling with heaviness. There weren’t enough kisses to ease the
constant ache, as much as he tried – and
he had tried.
“Do ye not want me
anymore?” He had
asked me on the final night, broken – Oh,
I hadn’t answered him and in my silence he took
his leave, shoulders hunched in pain. In truth, I couldn’t fathom a time when I
wouldn’t want him – and that was the problem, wasn’t it? I kept wanting and wanting and wanting, wanting so much
everything hurt, wanting so much I feared I would physically break.
The flight attendant touched his hand – to my
horror he didn’t shy away from it. It lingered there, natural and possessive,
and I felt the scone doing cartwheels inside my stomach like a flour acrobat.
She leaned over and told him something,
slightly sticking her tongue out in mischief and he laughed. Throat and lungs
and vocal chords, clapping and singing, an orchestra on a perfect rendition of
amusement. Standing ovation from the crowd. Claire Beauchamp dead in the
He used to laugh like that with me. Jamie
always laughed with his entire body. He was that kind of man – whole in
everything he did. I recalled the sensation of his laugh as I laid my cheek on
his chest, a scientist studying the mechanisms of happiness. For a moment I
closed my eyes and covered them with my hand, foolishly disturbed by the
realization I didn’t hold his laughter in exclusiveness.
Jamie looked happy. I could see the outline of
his smile, the corners of his mouth turned up in contentment. Had he been that
happy with me, once? Before I filled our lives with insecurities, demands and frailties?
She squeezed his hand – fingers touching, skin
meeting, hearts melting? - and got up, putting on her elegant coat. With a
swish of blonde hair, she kissed his cheek – clearly no amiable kiss demanded
such duration, in my opinion – and with a light caress on his forehead, left
him finally alone.
He looked around, searching for the waitress to
ask for a refill and – of course – spotted me. It was like standing on stage,
two spotlights beaming on us, everything else left in darkness. Jamie glanced
at me and I proudly endured his gaze, asserting that I saw his happiness and
wasn’t shaken at all by it. Liar.
made my way to his table, a slug crawling on a lettuce leaf, ugly but brave. I
seemed to be ken on eating every crumb of my cake of sorrow and then smile,
pretending it was sweet.
“Hello, Jamie.” I greeted him, bracing myself
on the notebook I carried. His hair was somewhat shorter than the last time I
had seen him, a couple of months ago, his uniform impeccable, the tie on his
neck just a bit loose. I used to make his knots and suddenly panicked, fearing
that the blonde girl was a master of turns and twists, able of fixing his heart
as well as his tie.
“Hello, Claire.” Jamie replied, his voice
cautious. “How are ye?”
“Good.” I smiled nervously. “Are you back from
“Aye.” He fidgeted with the mug in front of
him, a soft hesitant smile on his lips. “Just got back from Brazil. It was a
wee furnace there.”
“Ah.” I swallowed hard, struggling to come up
with other pleasantries I could share with him. Do you smile in your sleep when she touches you? “You look good.
“What are ye asking me, Claire?” He avoided my
gaze, his face abruptly serious.
“Nothing.” I replied in a hoarse voice, well
aware that he could spot the tears forming on the corners of my eyes, in the
fountains of my soul. “Just that. You looked happy with her.”
“She’s a good lass.” He glared at me, his eyes
outrageously blue and intent. “She understands what life is for me. I feel that
I can talk to her.”
“As you couldn’t talk to me?” I tried to smile
again and failed miserably, the glass of my face polished and glistening,
reflecting the thousands of small sorrows hidden in the corners of my eyes.
“I told ye all my soul and heart.” Jamie
lowered his eyes, grabbing his hat. “In the end it wasna enough. That is my utmost
regret, Claire - that it wasna enough.”
I stood there, speechless, as he gathered his
things and left. I thought of the bleeders that elude the most capable surgeon,
the cardiac arrest that lasts forever, the hands inside where we are most
private, touching the core of what we are, unable to reach what had been lost.
I slammed my heart at him as he closed the door behind him – “Jamie!” – knowing all too well I had no
one to blame but myself. I had traded all for nothing, convinced it was a
worthy bargain – blind, blind, fool.
I crawled home, shaken to the very marrow of my
bones, oozing love and loss – sticky and queasy with it. In medical school they
had told me how the brain works to protect itself – the clever barrier
surrounding it, the plasticity, the temperature regulation – and yet my brain
seemed decided to finish me, incessantly playing memories of Jamie, smacking me
with my own recklessness. I had no self-preservation left, for I loved him to
the atoms of me.
I had seen him happy without me – there was joy
there to be sure, in knowing him well. But the pain was almost unbearable, no
last redoubt of magical thinking left, where I could hide and pretend we would
find our way back to each other. He was
gone. Pushed away by my own two hands.
I collapsed on the couch, curling into fetal
position, making myself small and smaller. My ears were filled with the sounds
of my own heart and I willed him to stop, to let go of beating, to be still and
let me be.
He kissed my cheek on
our first date. I kissed his lips on the second. Loved all of himself by the
tenth. My heart leapt when I saw him, tall and gallant in his uniform, almost
running to hold me in his arms at the hospital. When he told me flying was his
second favourite thing. When he told me I was first. Red Jamie, my Jamie.
A knock on the door, fast and rhythmed. A
secret code for the lover coming.
I padded to the door, afraid and wanting. Hopeful.
I opened the door and he was standing there,
snowflakes turning into rivers on the brim of his hat. He reached out with his
hand and I took it, already knowing I’d never let go again.
“I was happier with ye.” He whispered in a
husky voice. And I remembered it all, the happiness and love I’d known, waiting
in him as kisses on his lips.
it’s march thirtieth
and i’m in a place
that i have called home
for three spring breaks,
but i’ve also called it home for
all of the time in between.
i will leave this place tomorrow,
but this time, my return is uncertain,
and i don’t know what to do with myself
because i may be saying goodbye
to my favorite place in the world
i’ve cried and loved and met best friends
and talked to God and helped people here
and watched God turn my life and the lives of others around in the palm of his hand…
and now i may never come back.
this is how senior year mission trips feel // 3.30.17
Looking forward to what 2017 has in store for the world of animation! Let’s just hope it’ll be better than 2016. Happy New Years! And thanks to everyone who has been following my tumblr. I’m so glad I get to share all my art with you.
17.03.16 ARASHI DISCOVERY - Hello to a New Adventure – Ohno Satoshi* [English translation]
Good morning. This is ARASHI’s Ohno Satoshi.
Today’s phrase come on!
“It’s time to say goodbye.
But I think goodbyes are sad and I’d much rather say hello. Hello to a new
Easy-to-listen English. This is the words from US sports announcer Ernie
This radio programme. ARASHI DISCOVERY.
After the broadcast on the 31st this month, Friday, it will come to an end.
decided to come to an end this month.
Well it’s quite a sudden.
Well, Kurihara’s programme, Morning Step, will also come to an end. At the same
time. Well until the 31st this month, then come to an end.
Well, but, really. It started from 1st October 2002.
It’s been 14.5 years. I’ve been doing it for 14.5 years.
Well, really everyone. Well… everyone who’s
been listening to this programme all along. Really everyone, thanks a lot,
Well. 14.5 years. How many episodes have there
been? So, five days a week, this programme. Then, one year, there are around 52
weeks. So, one year there are 260 episodes. And then for 14.5 years, there are
3,770 episodes. Still, well, there were also
days with no broadcast, though.
During these 3750 days I kept speaking. At the beginning it was
like, three choices to a question.
Next week. Well there will be bit a Special. Well there are still two weeks to
go, next week, since long time, with Kurihara-san, I’ll directly do the radio
programme with him. Probably
it’s the first time since the 10th annual anniversary of this radio programme
Let’s do it. Um. Since long time. The two of us
speak. We would like to
broadcast this special version. Please look forward to it!
i feel like such a traitor when people follow me for certain content ( like Fallout 4 a few months ago ) and then later I get a new hyperfixation and whoops goodbye all of that, hello this totally new thing I have literally never mentioned before but now can’t shut up about I hope you all like it bc it’s all you’re seeing from me for the next three months