good going on that one

this got sorta long and its ramble-y and i’m sorry there’s probably some unpopular opinion-y stuff but that’s fine. if you read all of this and still love me <33333 also tldr: still ride or die, babes. just frustrated with the writers and i may have also gone on a mini bandaid rampage??? somehow??? i’m so sorry i’m like this..

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but nothing will ever be as bad as the Lodge stuff for me. That was the bottom of my robron barrel, the was a big low for me, that was my ‘can i still do this’ moment. I stuck through it because I couldn’t give them up then and I won’t let shoddy storylining do it to me now. I knew the baby reveal would be huge and dramatic, it had to be after last night’s episode and their conversation about it. But this episode felt so similar to those Lodge scenes for me in some ways, where my heart broke and my chest ached and I wondered briefly how the hell can they do this to them? how can they come back from this? again.

But the thing is, I do think they can come back from it, baby or no baby (as much as I’d like there to be no baby). They’ve come back from worse. And Aaron was right; he is different. He even said it yesterday, that Robert didn’t have to tell him, he didn’t wait until he was caught out like he had the last time. Love is messy and hard, and yeah there are bumps, some larger than others, but when you really, truly love someone you take the mistakes you’ve made and you work through it. You fight for it (not physically, I think Aaron’s already learned that lesson enough times now thanks ED can we try WORDS NOW?). No matter my views on the lack of consent or how I could do without them bringing an innocent child into the mix or how frustrated I am that Marlon seemed more concerned about the situation than Paddy or this whole ridiculous Victoria and Rebecca thing, i was still struck by how well Aaron and Robert communicated yesterday in comparison to how poorly they seemed to communicate tonight. They’re doing the same “well let’s not properly talk about it, side step it, and let it fester until one of us explodes” stuff they’ve always done in the past. They argue, they don’t listen to each other properly, they run away from each other in the heat of the moment, and nothing gets solved. Robert wants to put a non-waterproof bandaid on it, one of those shitty ones that comes off the second you move wrong, and that does feel like a kind of step backwards yeah. But I’ve never ever looked at character development as just an upwards slope where the character grows and gets better and doesn’t stumble a bit, cos holy shit I know these are fictional characters, but no one is like that. That’s just so fucking unrealistic. If there’s no realism at all to fictional characters we’re gonna be fucking bored in a second. Sure we all grow and change for the better over time, but we’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all said shit we shouldn’t have, we’ve all done things we shouldn’t have, but we’ve apologized and learned and done better the next time. And maybe we stumble again and again with the same things, but you keep trying. That’s true character development imho, there’s no ‘going backwards’ in that for me. 

But I also have hope in Aaron to maybe be the one to lead this towards something good, to maybe use what he learns in counseling for positive steps forward? My lil bub who went to an emergency counseling session, realizing that he needed to do so without being shoved into it by anyone else. He made that decision. But you don’t change overnight. Anger issues, self harm, depression, self loathing, whatever issues Robert’s dealing with etc. isn’t going to just disappear after a few therapy sessions. Nothing’s going to change overnight with someone’s love and one ‘magical’ counseling session. Mental health doesn’t work like that. It takes time and open, honest communication. I’m hoping that’s what the writers are trying to show. It doesn’t seem like it’s coming across that way just yet, but I’m hoping beyond hope that the communication we got yesterday was supposed to be a sign of that ‘it’ll take time and we’ll stumble but eventually we’ll get there’ growth. This being Emmerdale though, I’m keeping my bar very low.

I do think this is Robert finally breaking down though, I think this is him losing his cool and his patience. I think it’s finally, and about damn time, for Robert to have that moment (without violence, Robert, for the love of god without violence *swats Robert’s head with a rolled up newspaper*). So in a sense I do get it. I get the putting the decisions about the baby on Aaron (as much as I hate it, that’s just.. fucking writers…), I get his anger and frustration to a point. He’s more terrified of losing Aaron than anything else because Aaron is his world. He’s said it time and time again that the thought of losing Aaron is so unbearable to him. So I have to believe they’re gonna be okay, eventually. It might take some time and we might have to watch some pretty rough moments, but I have to believe that they’re going to fight tooth and nail for each other, for this rollercoaster of a relationship. Because they promised each other messed up forever. 

10

NY Book Signing….😌😌

So after a lot of careful planning…the day of my very first book signing for my very first published book came! I’m honestly surprised at the amount of people who showed up, was quite unexpected really haha..😅😅.Although, I’m really happy with the turn out…Just look at all the beautiful girls who came to show their support!! 😭 😭 😍😍

@babynoriii @imjasminetaylor @indyatellez @jordyn96 @bourbon-creamss @ashter-blank @itsdevynnbitch @slayimani @nadinelockwood @babysloane @mrsimblr @ethiopianzen @realxshani

I’m so thrilled that I got to meet you guys! Or if I had already met you before, to see you again! All the support really means a lot to me fr…Even if you didn’t attend the book signing I still appreciate all the support you guys have shown! This is my very first book signing and will most definitely not be the last!! 💚💚

strums me geetar     anyways i can clearly see that i’m not wanted here and i’m not stupid enough to drag on my presence here any longer ha .  sorry

2

Extremely stupid and reckless is Victor’s middle name.

( from @skatingviktor ‘s post )

Bonus:

i love season one dean with his too-big leather jacket and his ripped worn out jeans and his bracelets and ring and necklace and his freckles and long eyelashes and perfect jawline and cheeky grin

and his wide desperate eyes and his frustration because all he wants to have his family all in one place and sam and dad just can’t SEE that like he does and i love how he leans into every touch he gets because he’s so starved for it and i love the shadows under his eyes because he’s only 26 but he feels like he’s been living forever and wow oh wow i just love season one dean

we’ve always taken shelter in our unhelpable pride

4

Am I still thinking about that one AU? Yes, definitely

2

made some postcards 💫