gooch!

anonymous asked:

Any advice for giving my first bj? I get the gist of the whole process (I put a penis in my mouth) but I'm really nervous and anything will help

Well… The art of fellatio is an ancient form. One many have mastered and one many have failed. Below, I’ve compiled a list of techniques that will aid in your ability to achieve your greatest climax potential…well, his. 

1. Don’t just wolf it down. If you’re in a rush, then by all means, but then it wouldn’t matter how sloppy it is. You have time. Pinch and/or bite his nips on your way down to weenie town. Enjoy the scenery. Admire the landscape. He can wait. You’re doing the work, right? Right. Next.

2. You’ve found the penis. Assuming he’s hard by now cause you’ve been slaying the bedroom up to this point, grab the base of that shit like you’re about to belt the bridge of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” Like, he’s finna cum nearrr, farrrr, wherevvver your mouth is, ya feel? Get a nice grip near the base. Sometimes, you gotta just use a pointer finger and thumb cause some guys don’t have as much cylindrical real estate but that’s okay. Your throat will be thankful. 

3. Now from here, you can go ahead and just slob on his knob like corn on the cob but I mean, that’s no fun. Assuming you’re between his legs cause this is your first time and that’s the “social norm” for your first beegee concert (I need to stop), with your tongue, bring it to the top like you’re never gonna stop. Like, your popsicle is melting but you worked hard for that $2.25 and you don’t wanna waste it. Look him in the eye if you’s a freak. Get up to the tippy top, THEN let him enter you. It’s almost like you’re meeting someone new and this is your first impression. Eye contact. Other hand sliding down his chest and stomach. Etc. They go a long way. 

4. From here, it’s really a matter of what gets him going. Pay attention to his moans and groans. Feel around, go up the sides with your mouth, suck on a nut or two. Sometimes guys balls are sensitive so they’ll squirm around when you lick them, but if they don’t like it, they’ll tell you. And speaking of balls, pro-tip: Beneath his juevos, there’s a muscular bit which is essentially the part of the D that runs down to your gooch. You have one too, so you can print these notes out and feel around for it while you study. Whilst going down on this gent, squish on that with your thumb. Like, go up and down it. It almost feels like your booty’s getting played with but like, not at all. Nike. Just Do It. 

5. As far as handwork for the shaft. Once you’ve buttered his baguette, be it with spit or lube (water-based or silicon will work - you can swallow it), essentially choke his chicken while you suck on the top. That almost always makes guys cum. Even when they say, “You can try but no one ever gets me off with head alone.” You know what you say to them? “Challenge Accepted.” Then you rock their world. 

6. Now, depending on how big your dude is and how non-existent your gag reflex is, you can try to deepthroat it. A lot of this has to do with the shape of his willis more than anything. If it curves to the right, you need to position yourself comin’ in hot from the right. If it does like a rainbow, you know what I mean, from the base to his belly, you might have to 69 the dude to get that sucker down. Which I mean, would be fun for all involved, I think. Just watch your teeth and don’t be a hero. Your throat WILL be sore from all the blunt trauma. Moving on.

I think that’s good enough for your first go. If you want him to sin in you, by all means. Word to the wise, though. If cum freaks you out, you don’t have to take that shit. He’ll groan and squirm before he goes, so you can just stop with your mouth and continue with your hand. If you want it in your mouth, but don’t wanna swallow, just let it drizzle down the sides like frosting those mirror-glazed cakes. All feels the time. Just don’t get that shit in your eye. It will feel like someone punched you and will look like it, too. That shit does not wash out easily. 

Lastly, in all seriousness. I feel like I have impressionable teen followers which bestows some level of moral responsibility on me. STD’s are fucking real. The “correct” and safe way to give a blowie to anyone you don’t know hasn’t been checked for everything over a 3 month period, is to have him wear a condom. They have those flavored ones which help make that more enjoyable for you but realistically, if you’re not gonna want to use one, at LEAST have a good feeling about the guy and how much you trust him and who he may or may not have been with. Also, you’d be going into that knowing good and well that you could still get something. Nothing is 100%. Play safe. Be smart. Don’t trust anyone saying they’re “clean” or “ddf” cause they honestly might not even know. Unfortunately, that’s the reality of being an adult and having sex. For further questions on STD’s, hit my DMs up. I’ll gladly educate. Otherwise, Happy Blowing! Hope this helped!

anonymous asked:

*mutters under breath-I want a gif tribute too *kicks rock #larrimation anon p.s. 😃 this is the 40 Year Old Virgin emoji #thingsIthinkofwhenhighasakite Luv youse bah 🤠

The facts were these:
- I got high
(okay so i may also have briefly been distracted by a variety cheese platter but then, dear old sport, then I remembered this was in your honour and i refocused)
-
I let the spirit of Zanyé Majik take over me and i made you a thing
(apparently high-me really wanted to off-set the amount of Harry giffery you’ve forced me to create in the past so…)

- The 4.53 Billion Year Old Hoe Emoji is my personal favourite

- Luv youse too. thanks for patiently waiting in my inbox. 

Dating Josh Would Include:
  • Annual trips to South Africa to visit his family
  • Him embarrassingly shouting gooch in public
  • Double dates and holidays with CADDIE
  • Being super close with Caspar
  • Being best friends with Maddie
  • Playing with his red curly hair
  • Being involved in his skit videos
  • “Josh can you reach that for me?”
  • “Y/N I’m not going to sleep for 60 hours!” “Really? Again?”
  • Not being able to have sex in smaller spaces because he’s so tall
  • Caspar teasing you two
  • Dancing with each other when no one else is around
  • Watching Superbad and Knocked Up over and over again
  • Making sure he doesn’t turn into a lobster on holidays by nagging him to put on sunscreen
  • Dealing with his clumsiness
  • Getting picked up off the ground whenever he hugs you
  • “Caspar can you please put on some pants while (Y/N) is here?”
  • Having a ton of bloopers footage whenever you film together, because you can’t stop laughing
  • Him supporting you in everything you do, just like he does with his mates
  • Him writing you little notes, because sometimes he can’t get out what he wants to say or how he feels out loud
  • Recovering from nights out together with lots of sleep and cuddles
  • Him taking care of you when you are tiniest bit ill or have your period
  • Him encouraging you to follow and pursue your dreams
  • Spooning always involving him being the big spoon
  • Him carrying to bed when you fall asleep on the sofa
  • Getting roped in with Josh to help Joe prank Caspar
  • “Josh if you don’t stop playing Counterstrike right now, you are sleeping alone tonight.”
  • Trying to get him to go to sleep when he’s having a late night brainstorm session
  • Getting him to relax when he’s worried about uploading a video
  • Him pranking you and apologizing with kisses if it goes too far