gonna wreck your shit

Which Steven Universe Background Character Should You Fight?
  • Mayor Dewey: FIGHT MAYOR DEWEY RIGHT NOW. Fight him on top of his van. There are 15 people in this town. Every single adult probably voted for him. And every single one of them will be chanting YOUR name as you throw him into his own head. Fight Mayor Dewey this instant.
  • Buck Dewey: What?? Don't fight Buck. He's just a teen, he's got enough shit to deal with. Besides, he's got to deal with being the Mayor's son. Don't fight Buck; fight his dad. Did you fight Mayor Dewey yet? Go back and fight him again.
  • Sour Cream: I can understand why you might want to fight Sour Cream at first glance. He's gangly, and he hangs out in warehouses. That's primo fight material. What you've got to understand is that at some point during the fight, those pants are gonna become shorts, and your shit is going to become wrecked. You can fight Sour Cream, but only if you're prepared for the rocks.
  • Jenny: She's the evil twin! And she has a car! Why would you put yourself at such a risk? Okay, sure, if she starts to fight her dad will ground her from like, twenty miles away. But... EVIL TWIN! She'll find a way out and beat you up when you least expect it. Don't fight Jenny.
  • Onion: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ONION. Don't look at Onion. Don't talk to Onion. Don't consort with whatever Onion is. If you so much as consider the thought of fighting Onion, he'll know. And he'll end you. Not fight you, end you. He won't have to fight. You won't be able to fight. You'll be ended. DON'T. FIGHT. ONION. Are you thinking about fighting Onion? It's too late!! RUN!!
  • Lion: Are you... what?! You know what, go ahead and fight Lion. I want to watch. I can't believe you're asking me this. He's got a SWORD IN HIM. You can't beat that.
  • Mr. Smiley: Take him on. Worse case scenario, you've just fought an icon of the 90's, and frankly that's better than anyone else can aspire to do. Sing the Big Donut training video song to put him off-kilter. Win free skeeball for life. Trade your tickets in for an airplane.
  • Peedee: For god's sake. Peedee has experienced more of the world without leaving a fry stall than you will experience in six years of higher education. Don't fucking fight Peedee.
  • Mr. Fryman: Alternatively, fighting Mr. Fryman on Peedee's terms (no biting, over after 3 minutes) is just the sort of pick-me-up that a kid who has to wear a mascot costume on occasion could really use. Fight Mr. Fryman if Peedee needs it.
  • Yellowtail: Though it might be tempting to get to Onion through his family, understand that you'd be directly aggressing the one person Onion seems to respect. This is a dangerous endeavor and I commend you for risking it. I'll be sure to send a lovely bouquet to whatever is left of you at your funeral. DO NOT. INDIRECTLY. FIGHT. ONION.
  • Kofi Pizza: He will want you to fight him. I will want you to fight him. You should not fight him. Understand that while Kofi is the loudest, the Pizzas are a family unit. See also: Jenny. The grounding works both ways. Don't fight Kofi.
  • Kiki Pizza: Don't fight Kiki, but for different reasons for not fighting Kofi or Jenny. Kiki's the Good Twin, they've decided on this. You could win, but you'd never forgive yourself.
  • Nana Gunga Pizza: Nana is crafty. She's the strategist. She's one of the only human moms we've seen in Beach City. You know why that is? Because she's the alpha mom. The supreme Mom. She's outlasted ROSE QUARTZ as a Mom. Don't fight the Alpha Mom.
  • Tiger Millionaire: Tiger Millionaire could buy and sell you 40 times over before you even thought about fighting him. You'd be all, "What?" and he'd be all "*suitcase full of money and eyebrows*". You can't afford to fight Tiger Millionaire. Don't.
  • Tiny Floating Whale: What's the fucking matter with you? Go back and fight Mayor Dewey again, you need to blow off some steam.