gonna go sob myself to sleep

Breathless (1)

Bucky x Reader

Summary: She’s breathless, and not in a good way.

Word Count: 1.8k+

Warnings: swearing i think, mentions of starvation, violence, torture, death. ANGST.

Originally posted by coporolight

Looking at him took my breath away, and not the good kind that most people associate breathlessness with. I couldn’t breathe. It was as if a pile of rocks sat in my chest. Each breath hurt worse than the last. My body was shaking with unadulterated fear. I was face to face with the monster under my bed, the star of my nightmares. The same stormy blue eyes that shot me in the shoulder all those years ago.

I honestly thought I was going to puke. My hands were clammy and I felt light headed. Tears threatened to spill over my cheeks and I take in a bated breath. My surroundings fade and it feels like I’m floating.

His blue eyes are no longer menacing and cold. Instead, they’re soft but haunted. It still doesn’t make me feel any better being around him. His eyes brightened at the sight of me for a moment and it unnerved me. His face falls and he takes a hesitant step towards me.

“Y/n? Is that really you?” he asked, his eyes search mine for a trace of the girl that was imprisoned with him. I know he can’t, because that girl no longer exists. Not since he shot me, at least.

I crossed my arms and straighten my posture. “You’re not a very good shot,” I spat, pulling the shoulder of my shirt down, revealing the nasty scar that stretched from my shoulder to my neck. He winces.

“Y/n!” Steve hissed, scowling at me.

“Fuck off, Steve. Did you know I was his first and failed mission?” I sneered angrily. “I was the test subject to determine if he was the Soldier. Spoiler alert, he failed.”

“Because I was still me, dizzy doll! I couldn’t shoot you. I wouldn’t kill you. You’re my girl!” Bucky interjected.

I look away and a tear slides down my cheek. “Your feelings for me set HYDRA up with decades of torture. They had no point for me so I was expendable. Every new method they came up with to torture you with, started with me.”

It was 1949, four years after the war ended and I found myself in post war torn Austria. I had just finished my degree and a promising job offer led to to the ruined country. I was too excited to see the skepticism in the offer. It was deep in the mountains and I had no knowledge of how to transport to and from the closest town nearby where I was suppose to be living. That was my first mistake.

The men who I’d later discover as HYDRA agents would drug me on the car ride there. I’d be striped of my belongings and nearly starve to death for the next week until they moved me into the cell block Bucky was occupying. I was scared and weak, terrified that I was going to die.

I was freezing in the clothes that I wore. I wanted to make an impression, so I wore a nice, bright yellow dress with my lab coat that would be my only source for warmth. I was getting sick. I coughed up a lung every now and then and my skin was hot to the touch, even though I was shivering.

And then by some miracle, they moved me. They viciously dragged me down multiple corridors until I got lost wherever we were. If they thought that I was ever planning on escaping, having multiple hallways with just as many others was the trick at capturing me, that’s for sure.

The doors in front of us opened with a scream and I shake against their grasp. They throw me into the room blindly and I fall with a loud crack. My knees crumble and my palms burn against the rough concrete.

I managed to get onto my feet and back myself into a corner. I ducked my head into my knees, quietly muttering prayers that I learned over the years. My eyes close and I shake with each word that tumbles out of my lips.

“Why did they bring you here?” a voice hissed out in another part of the room. It’s rough, raspy.

My eyes snapped open and I’m met with a worse for wear looking man. Despite our conditions, he looked fine. He was muscular and from the looks of it, he was wearing clean clothes. I scan the cell and notice this cell is ten times better than the one I was in.

It had a bathroom area and a small cot for a bed. It was an ideal hostage room unlike the one I was in. The cell I was in only had a bucket for a toilet and I was confined to the floor as a bed.

“I-I don’t kn-know,” I rasped out in between a coughing fit. My throat burned and it took everything in me not to throw up. “They j-just threw me in here. I’ve been isolated for a w-week.”

His cold eyes soften and he grabbed the cup of water to his right. He walked over to me before gently grabbing my hand, placing it in my hand. I thank him quietly, drinking it slowly. My eyes met his again again and for the first time I notice how beautiful he is.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Y/n,” I mumbled, shaking in the rags of my lab coat.

“It’s nice to meet you, Y/n. I’m Bucky.”

After we met, I found solace in him. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and the months turned into a full year of imprisonment. It was a slow and torturous year, but I had Bucky. He kept me safe and warm.

He’d sooth me whenever I’d forget myself. He knew me better than I knew myself in just a year span. He’d remind me of who I was and run his cool metal fingers through my hair until I fell asleep in his embrace. No matter how many times HYDRA attempted to erase who I was, Bucky was always there. They could never erase him from me, and he brought me back to the ground.

One day after an attempted mind wipe, I was worse for wear. They threw me back into the cell roughly and I had no energy to lift myself up onto my butt. I was weak and feeble, shaking in response from the energy coursing through my body.

Bucky hurried to my side and held my head in his hands. My eyes closed as I listened to his soft strong voice. He was lulling me to sleep before my eyes opened again. Our eyes meet and my hand reached up, tangling my fingers in his hair.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m so weak and–and broken. You shouldn’t have to take care of me.”

“Shh,” he murmured, “You’re not weak or broken. They’re trying to break you, but you’re not broken. I don’t mind takin’ care of you. You remind me of sickly Steve. I like takin’ care of you. I care about you.”

He holds me and pulls me into his lap. My hand brushed against his cheek and he leans into my touch. His fingers play with my hair and our foreheads touch.

“Y/n,” he breathed, “I really want to kiss you,” he confessed.

My heart leaped out of my chest and I turn my head, pressing my mouth against his. It’s firm and full of everything each of us want to say but there were no words for it. He holds me close and I cling to him. He seemed to be the only thing anchoring me.

“James,” I whispered against his lips. He hums in reply. “James, whatever happens to me, it’s okay. I can’t keep going like this. If HYDRA for whatever reason decides to kill me, I want them to. I can’t live like this anymore.”

“No,” he begged, holding my face. “I can’t lose you too.”

“Bucky, I can’t keep going like this. I want to die. I can’t handle another minute of HYDRA. You have to understand. I’m begging you to understand.”

“Y/n,” he croaked, “I can’t let them kill you. You’re all I have.”

I smiled softly at him, running a finger over his cheek. “It’s okay, Bucky. I’ll still be with you here,” I press my hand against his chest.

A handful of days pass before anything happens. It’s the middle of the night and I’m ripped off the home I’ve made in Bucky’s embrace. I cry out and he reaches for me, but he’s beaten into submission at the sound of a gun cocking. I freeze, adjust to the bright light in the room.

Agents surrounded us. My eyes met Bucky’s and his plead with mine. Mine soften, knowing what’s to come.

One of the head agents enters the room, a red book in hand.

“No,” Bucky cries, struggling against the agents in the room. “No, please.”

“Bucky,” I coo, forcing him to look at me. “It’s okay.”

Tears slide down his cheeks and a sob rips through his chest. I watch the agent open the book, thumbing through the pages. I tone the agent out, focusing on Bucky.

He’s gone moments later and his orders are given. He takes the gun and moves it to my direction. His eyes are cold, but it doesn’t frighten me.

“It’s okay,” I murmured in reassurance. “It’s okay, Bucky. Do it, please.”

He looks at me and raises a brow. Something in him clicks, but the gun still goes off. I crumbled to the ground, pain ripping through my shoulder. I was still alive.  

“No. No, no, no,” I chanted under my breath as they dragged me away to privately discipline him. I never saw him again until now.

“I asked, no, begged, you to shoot me. I was miserable. I was weak. I was dying. I wanted to be put out of my misery. You know better than anyone else how that feels,” I spat angrily, feeling my face get hot as tears slid down my cheeks.

“I loved you, Y/n! I couldn’t have you dying on my conscious!” he cried.

“Oh, and I’m sure you could have Howard and Maria on your conscious then, huh? You don’t love me,” I argued. “You think you do, but you don’t. I was the only companion you had. You don’t love me.”

I know it’s a low blow, but I don’t really care, not yet at least. I’m hurt. I’m scared. It’s the first time since he shot me that I’ve seen him.

His face fell and Steve growled my name. I ignore him, storming off to my bedroom. I slam the door shut and slide to the floor. My body shakes as sobs rip through me and I climb onto my bed, pulling my knees to my chest, crying myself to sleep.


yEAH NEW SERIES!!!! this one is going to contain a shit ton of drama. no one’s gonna be happy and it’ll be awesome. you’ll shoot me, but it’ll be awesome. and there’s gonna be a love triangle with a very over looked avenger ;))) send me asks of who you think it’ll be!!!


PERMANENT TAGS: @jessevans @fuckmewintertucker @ria132love @anastasiaannaa @bubblyaschampagne @kindnesswins @queen-valeskaxx @lilasiannerd @sammnipple @blueeyedboobear @mcuimxgine @marvel-fanfiction @blueskies-love @super-soldier-wifey @broken-pieces @xxchexchickxx @castawayreject @iamwarrenspeace @melconnor2007 @nerdyandproud9 @frostbyte-horan

I love lance too much!!!!!
  • Me : *hasn't slept in days* Time to go to sleep.
  • Brain: you know ...
  • Me: Don't you dare , don't you freaking dare!
  • Brain: Lance thinks he's the seventh wheel and doubts himself.
  • Me: Great ! FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC , guess who's not gonna be sleeping for the next couple of days wishing that someone would help her little Cuba boi , THIS GAL! *sobs why do I do this to myself*
living with yoon

Originally posted by sugagifs

  • i should rename this post me in two years from now
  • but i wont
  • living with yoongi is like my dream and i will now explain why
  • boy does not want to make it big
  • he does not think this is some big special event
  • he just thinks “logically that’s what would happen, we’ve been dating like over half a year?”
  • reminds me of someone would want to move in together fairly soon cause he is a bit of a homebody so he would want his significant other to be right there with him cause he spends most his free time at home??
  • yoongi also reminds me of someone who would get very lonely very easily (though not say so of course) so he wouldn’t want to wait longer than he had to get you moved in
  • you practically live at his place anyway
  • like he has matching tea mugs for you both (but imagine yoongi as a tea person and not coffee okay thanks)
  • and he has your special pillow on his bed
  • he has all your clothes in the closet
  • and you’re like always over taking naps and using his hot water up so why not make it official?
  • i think he would live with the other boys at first but when he moves into his own place it’s in the city he likes the city life
  • but he um
  • kinda moves into a complex that is all old people
  • more specifically old ladies
  • like they dote on him from day one
  • they come over and bake him casseroles and give him houseplants and ask if he needs them to knit him some scarfs
  • and yoongi loves them okay he knows all the women by name and he buys them flowers every day he goes out and he delivers them personally and he listens patiently when they talk about their grandkids and carries the laundry up the stairs for them and ugh
  • okay now that im dead
  • it’s not the nicest place in the world
  • the heat always breaks and the roof leaks sometimes and there isn’t a laundry room in every apartment, there’s a giant laundry room in the basement with a few machines for everyone to share
  • his place personally only has one bedroom, and then a bathroom and a half
  • there’s the kitchen and dining room combination too
  • it’s really really small and at first he doesn’t think much about it cause it’s him and the stray cat he took in (named kyo and he’s an orange tabby)
  • but then he realizes
  • oh right i have a lover that i’m trying to move in this is probably not a good idea
  • he’s a minimalist
  • so bean bags and like a coffee table and like one arm chair he protects with his life
  • he doesn’t even have a backboard to his bed
  • his bed is legit a mattress on the floor he seriously doesn’t care
  • but then he thinks about you moving in and he panics and he goes out to ikea and he’s asking the sales attendants for help
  • “the love of my life is moving in and right now the only furniture i own is a mattress help me please”
  • okay but he invites you over to see all the new furniture and show off everything he did
  • and you guys go to snuggle on his new queen sized mattress with the headboard and whatever
  • and he just rolls on top of you and he stares down at you and he’s smiling that precious gummy smile
  • and he just “move in with me”
  • there’s seriously no explanation or build up or roses or dinner date he just straight up asks all cute
  • and he leans down and kisses you all sappy and romantic and then you spend the rest of the night cuddling
  • there would be a lot of cuddling in this household
  • like you wake up and y'all aren’t gonna do crap if you don’t have to
  • yoongi is gonna hold you close and his voice is gonna be raspy and gravelly and he’s gonna kiss your face all over
  • and when he gets home from practice he’s about cuddles
  • he’ll get a bath first
  • yoongi loves his bubble baths
  • like he could probably drown in the amount of bubbles he uses and you always poke your head in and you can’t find him at first
  • and sometimes if he’s ever really tired or sore from practice or stressed cause of deadlines he’ll ask you to come and wash his hair
  • you’ll sit on the edge of the bath tub and he’ll close his eyes and sometimes you wonder if he’s sleeping
  • and he’ll occasionally mumble something while you massage the shampoo in or something but he generally prefers for you to talk about your day
  • and then when he gets in his pajamas he’ll come join you in your room and he’ll flop down on the bed and probably roll onto you depending on how clingy he’s feeling that day
  • and he’s in cute bear pajamas and he gets you a matching pair for sure
  • and he’ll always be more touchy at night I think
  • like he’s always playing with your hair and kissing your face and probably your shoulders and jaw but it’s really innocent and pure and you know you’re special cause he’s opening himself up like that?
  • and you guys sometimes stay up for hours talking about anything that crosses your minds
  • but sometimes as soon as he’s snuggled up to your side he’s out cold
  • waking him up in the morning is hell
  • like your alarm will go off and you’re up and changing and you leave the thing on to try and get yoongi up
  • and he’s broken like five alarm clocks cause he whacks them with pillows
  • you try to shake him and jump on him and kiss his face but this boy will not budge
  • and you’re kinda “yoongi you’re gonna be late, yoongi wAKE UP”
  • tbh the thing that wakes him up every morning is the kettle screaming from you making your morning tea
  • and he groans and rolls around tries to feel for you but you’re up and dressed!!
  • and he pushes himself and a lot of times you stumble into the bathroom to find him sleeping on the floor
  • he’s not the best at shaving so he usually cuts his chin and cheeks a bit and he always make you kiss his boo boos better
  • and he’s rushing so he can make it to practice on time and you give him his tea in a cute thermos and he kisses you long and hard before racing out the door
  • you guys aren’t really about movies as much as you’re about binge watching television shows
  • he doesn’t pay for cable in his house but he has a small tv and it’s nothing special but he has an old wii and Netflix for days
  • his favorite is psych you can’t convince him to watch anything else ever
  • and he quotes the show and he tells you who the criminal is every time even though you’ve seen it with him
  • he’ll shove you and say you’re hogging the bed (tv is in your room) and he’ll like gently whack you with pillows
  • he eats in bed all the damn time
  • you find gummy bears by your face when you wake up in the morning
  • and he denies it was him even though every night he has a new bag of candy with him
  • and the cat always comes and sits on your lap and yoongi whines and get jealous and tries to bribe the cat with gummy worms
  • he has a kumamon plushie that he snuggles when you’re not there by the way
  • yoongi refuses to cook
  • he’ll do the laundry
  • he actually likes doing the laundry cause he needs to be validated in knowing he helps around the house
  • but this boy will not cook, not even ramen
  • you usually end up ordering carry out from this cute Chinese place
  • and they seriously love you two and give you free food lots of the time
  • and you guys sit on the bean bags and you usually end up feeding yoongi with your chopsticks cause grumpy baby likes to be spoiled like that
  • sometimes you’ll wake up in the middle of the night and he’s not there and you kinda??
  • and you stumble out to the living room and he’s on the bean bag, tea at his side, headphones on and laptop open
  • and you’ll just plop down at his side and with his right hand he’ll work with his music and his left hand will just tangle itself in your hair
  • and he likes that you’re there it calms him down and motivates him to keep working and it reminds him why he makes music
  • and you just watch on in silence and sometimes he’ll get all shy and it’s black in that room but you know he’s blushing and he kinda
  • “you wanna listen…? it’s inspired by you, you know. not like all my songs are though, I mean it’s not like-”
  • and you just giggle and kiss his nose and put on the headphones
  • he lives for your compliments it makes his heart soar when your praise his music
  • you usually fall asleep on his shoulder and once he decides he done for the night he’ll shut down his laptop and carry you off to bed and tuck you in
  • oh also
  • while yoongi doesn’t cook he like brings you orange juice and poptarts on the weekends and stuff like he has a plate with strawberry poptarts just for you
  • you two probably go on neighbourhood walks a lot
  • it’s a nice enough community for that and he likes getting exercise in and holding your hand and picking you flowers from people’s lawns cause he’s rude (lmao no he wouldn’t do that he might pretend though)
  • OH ALSO IMPORTANT
  • he introduces you to all his ladies okay all the old ladies flip out when they see you
  • they kinda “oh yoongi you got a real keeper”
  • “so this is the one yoongi never shuts his trap about!!”
  • “you guys are naming the baby after me right?”
  • “Ethel we agreed they’re naming the baby after me”
  • and it’s so touching cause yoongi gets so red and he’s stammering and trying to explain that he doesn’t talk about you so sappy but the ladies only laugh at him more and it takes him like five days to leave the apartment
  • yoongi likes his plants and he has them all over the house and it’s like a fairy garden
  • you string tea lights up everywhere and sometimes he’ll play some melodic music and you two will sit in your garden and talk about your future together
  • yoongi spoils you so much I wanna point that out there like he is wrapped around your finger
  • he buys you cute dresses and paints your nails when you want them done (with maximum complaining ofc)
  • and like one day you’re going on a fancy date !! and you’re in your dress and you’re like shoes ?? and he kinda kneels in front of where you’re sitting on the bed and he puts your heels on Cinderella style and that’s just an example of how he spoils you with actions more than words
  • ugh I’m gonna go light myself on fire way to go ally
  • he would be the most loving person in the whole world and living with him would be so mellow and perfect and I’m gonna go sob myself to sleep now

me: there’s no way either of robron are dying I’m 100% reassured, emmerdale would be making life’s biggest mistake getting rid it’s fine, they’ve been seen filming and it’s just going to be lots of dramatic angst that makes their love grow stronger

*a new spoiler, photo and drastically worded and exaggerated article emerges*

me 2.0: they are, they’re dying, Aaron’s gonna die, Robert’s gonna lose the love of his life, I’m gonna be sobbing until I’m 82 and I’m now going to cry myself to sleep imagining a world without my precious boys