COSPLAY! (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love My Body)
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt out of place in my body. I grew up as the shortest and stoutest of three daughters. I can recall being told by my father as a preteen that I needed to lose weight. I have a small frame, no torso, wide chest with not a lot of boob weight for the width of it and very large, wideset hips. Hips that, when I started flirting with my first real online crush, I felt I needed to warn him about - tell him that “they look kind of weird.” His next IM to me was “Yeah they do look weird.” He loved the pictures of me from the waist up, but that one…the only response was an agreement to a self conscious statement i made that I hoped in my nervous, pre-teen way, would be refuted.
I was 12 years old and it paved the way for 15 years of constant fear of judgement.
I laughed it off, but i remember even then that talking to him didn’t feel the same. The mindset I ended up developing was that I had to work a lot harder to be found attractive. The first strategy I came up with was to talk myself up - If I at least pretended that I LOVED my hips and stomach then maybe other people would respond to it and accept me. That path led me down to my first real heartbreak - my very first relationship I had with a girl ended with me pleading her to tell me what was wrong with me, why didn’t she like me - was I not pretty enough? Her response that came too soon for me to prepare for was, “It’s just you’re kind of egotistical and it’s annoying.”
Next thing I knew, born from the broken heart of a 15 year old girl was the next brilliant strategy…Obviously I was a shitty person AND had the most repulsive body, so I didn’t eat. I kept my head down, isolated myself, and developed an eating disorder. I was prescribed Darvocet and Hydrocodone the second time I got my period at 13 - I ended up having endometriosis (which surprise surprise - I didn’t properly care for and wound up having scarring so widespread that I either had to learn to live with the pain of adhesion scars tying parts of my organs into knots or get a hysterectomy SO OUT THE UTERUS WENT and i feel GREAT NOW!)
So all that led me down a road that lead to dropping out of high school, becoming chemically dependent on narcotics, and eventually getting hospitalized when my doctor made the call to abruptly stop prescribing me the medication. While I was in the hospitalized, I learned a lot about loving myself, I did a lot of really important, healing therapy….But the psychiatric medication and the fattening food they served me led me to gain 60 lbs in three short months at the age of 19. I went from being 122 lbs to being close to 180.
Of course, with all those ingredients, I had developed a toxic relationship and when I decided to let her see a picture of me after those months to try and maybe feel love in my life again…To put it in simple terms, I went back to feeling exactly how I felt when that first boy crush I had verified that my body didn’t look normal, and therefore, I was not attractive.
FAST FORWARD TO MY COSPLAY YEARS! I never felt comfortable doing it, because I always felt like there just wasn’t a character with a body like mine that existed. Period. So I tried it, became OBSESSED with it but…no matter how hard I have ever tried, never felt like I could ever be good at. And even if I’ve been part of a group that placed 2nd in a contest…I knew it wasn’t me. I was the big ol’ fat grease stain that everyone pretended not to see.
I did feel hot when I cosplayed GLaDOS and when I unknowingly publicly posted them on imgur (in an attempt to use free online storage to compile a makeshift portfolio LMFAO GOD) well…
YEAH I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE
COSPLAYING WAS GONNA BE IN MY FUTURE. NOT EVER AGAIN.
DESPITE HAVING AN INTENSE PASSION FOR IT AND THE MOST AMAZING AND TALENTED COSPLAYER GIRLFRIEND
Fast. Fucking. Forward. To overwatch.
I barely play it. Megan, the missus, plays it so much sometimes I feel like she has a closer current relationship with it than with me (i get jealous easily BUT ALSO I KIND OF MOSTLY KID) and she so happens to be a big fan of Junkrat and Roadhog.
So, you know, I kinda did too.
And recently I’ve developed some good attitute adjustments, started thinking more positively and while discussing the idea of her cosplaying junkrat and maybe having me be Mei I just kind of thought on a whim I’d rather be Roadhog. First jokingly but then like
Why SHOULD I have to cosplay the one girl character with a fuller figure - a figure that actually isn’t even close to mine. But it’d be hot, i’m not Chinese, and tbh I didn’t want to because she may be thick….but not the kind of thick I am.
SO I THOUGHT WHY SETTLE?
WHY NOT JUMP INTO THE FUCKING CREVASSE?!
Hello, my name is Rissa. I am officially starting work on a Roadhog cosplay, and my weird hips and poochy tummy will be on display - no more shaper topped with a cincher topped with control tights just to feel a little more confident that i’m not offending people with my fucking muffin top.
my weird body and I might not be male. Or even close to that thick.
BUT IF SHITTY PEOPLE LIKE “MOSTVALUABLEDICKBUTT” CALL ME FAT ANYWAY THEN WHY NOT
I MEAN WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE?
This time it’s just on MY terms.
call me fat. please, i invite you to because it’s completely goddamn irrelevant at this point. I’m cosplaying ROADHOG.
AND ROADHOG KICKS ASS
AND THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN
I AM UN. STOPPABLE. Gonna make every day an arm day and buff up. Play up my belly. Display my hysterectomy scars.
who fucking CARES, right?