“You know who I am, I have even given you my true name….You seek a false comfort when you demand I define myself for you with words. Words do not contain or define any person. A heart can, if it is willing.”
“You know what I feel for you. You have known it for years. Let us not, you and I, alone here, pretend that you don’t. You know I love you. I always have. I always will.”
“I love you,” he said quietly. “I set no boundaries on my love. None at all. Do you understand me?”
–Robin Hobb, Golden Fool
This chapter is always hurts, but how Beloved explained their gender/identity and love influence me the most.
‘What is the reality, Fool, not what you jest about or allow others to suspect? Who and what are you? What is it you feel for me?’
He looked at me at last. His eyes were stricken. But as I continued to gaze at him, demanding this knowledge, I saw his own anger come to life there. He suddenly stood straight and gave a small huff of disdain, as if unbelieving that I could ask. He shook his head then drew a deep breath. The words rushed out of him in a torrent.
‘You know who I am. I have even given you my true name. As for what I am, you know that, too. You seek a false comfort that I define myself for you with words. Words do not contain or define any person. A heart can, if it is willing. But I fear yours is not. You know more of the whole of me than any other person who breathes, yet you persist in insisting that all of that cannot be me. What would you have me cut off and leave behind? And why must I truncate myself in order to please you? I would never ask that of you. And by those words, admit another truth. You know what I feel for you. You have known it for years. Let us not, you and I, alone here, pretend that you don’t. You know I love you. I always have. I always will.’
Well, that’s me when I was reading Golden Fool e_____________e Fitz, Fitz… – No spoilers, please. I know who is Bee, ending of Fool’s fate, and a details of Fool’s assassin and Fool’s quest. In fact, I know everything that happens to the Fool. Fool’s fate will be published in 6th july …
Chade Fallstar to Fitzchivalry Farseer, Royal Assassin
So, I’ve been sitting on this for a few days, and I wanted to pose to the tag what I think is the most sympathetic reading of “Quarrel” that’s ever occurred to me: what if Fitz is jealous?
What if part of his visceral awful reaction to finding out the Fool has a separate life - a separate, full life, which he’s able to keep entirely out of Buckkeep intrigue - is rooted in his deep desire to have such a thing for himself? And his picking at the Fool, and at Amber’s existence, is a means of trying to break it down - to prove to himself that Amber has to be less real, because if he accepts Amber is real, and safe, and separate, then that means Chade was wrong, and if Chade was wrong, that means Fitz’s entire life has been wrong, that means he really could have had Molly and his duty both; it means he ran away for nothing.
As much as I love talking about Fitz’s internalized homophobia (and I still believe that’s part of it), I actually think this is the root of why he’s so angry in that scene. I think it’s a much younger Fitz rearing up and screaming at himself that if he’d only tried a little harder, he could have kept everything.