Karlie Kloss writing in "Born in the USA" for UK Vogue, May 2010. Photograph by Alasdair McLellan.
“Throw Moschino’s decorated jacket over shorts and a T-shirt for a class act. Embroidered satin bomber jacket, £275, Love Moschino. Cotton T-shirt, £120, L’Agence, at Selfridges. Denim shorts, £185, Escada Sport. Gold-plated pendent necklace, £95, Laura Lee Jewellery.”
I know that most of the time, you feel trapped. You feel
imprisoned inside your body, your name and the ideals that you have to live
with. You find it unfair that even if before you were born, the manner of how
you will live your life is already predetermined. Your iron bars are your
family’s expectations and the limited options that the society has handed on
You feel like the value of your mere existence is based on
the numbers that you acquire as you grow up. Remember that time when you almost
lost yourself as you get drowned with home works and projects just to obtain a
piece of paper and a gold-plated necklace? You almost got sick but still, you
didn’t sleep. You felt like if you didn’t get it, your life won’t be anything
but a lie.
When you finally had it around your neck and everyone was
congratulating you for the achievement that you received for almost killing
yourself, you didn’t exactly feel happy, did you? All that you could think was
you should try harder next time because you were expected to get it again. You
refused to lose because losing means being a failure and being a failure means
having all of your previous successes buried into oblivion.
Maybe, the only consolation that you got from it was seeing
the pride in your mother’s eyes. Even back then, you knew. You knew that you
just need one person. Just one person who will make you feel like all of your
hardships were worth it.
However, things never got easier. It seemed like the world
would never run out of ways to destroy everything that you have been holding
on. You were faced with the reality that in this world, you can’t just be
anyone. You have to choose your identity. Forge it if you have to. You have to
be someone who’s strong, resilient and fierce. You should not falter. You
should not break. And even if you do, you have to pretend like you still got
your pieces together. You have to go on your life and face this world as if its
storms didn’t cause you any casualty.
Sometimes, you just want to be weak. You want to drop every
expectation of those who are around you and take off all your masks so they
would see that you have your own scars as well. You just want to stop suppressing
all your emotions and let out a cry. Most of all, you just want to be held. To
have someone to rely on. To feel like you belong.
So you go around and give your love to everyone who is
around you. You lend them your ears and sympathize with all their tears. You
take all their tales and you never dared forget. You used to think that if you
give nothing but softness and tenderness, the world will also give you the same
kindness. But as always, it proved you wrong.
Do you remember the first time you fell in love? Oh, how you
ached for his touch. How you memorized his scent. How he brought autumn to your
summer heart by giving you a single glance using his hazel eyes. How you poured
everything to a man who was holding someone else’s hand when you weren’t
When you found yourself in your dark room, drenched with
your own tears and memories that you would rather forget, you thought that
maybe, maybe some people weren’t made to be loved permanently. Maybe, your
pieces weren’t enough to fill his longing. Maybe it’s you. Because if it
wasn’t, why would he look for someone else?
Just as when you thought that your misery was an endless
tunnel, healing shed its light. The heaviness left your chest. Your wound
ceased from bleeding. Your life didn’t stop just because he failed to give you
what you deserved. You have forgiven him for breaking your heart. You have
forgiven yourself for believing that how he treated you was the equivalent of
Then just like in books, a new chapter has begun and new
characters were introduced to you. Once again you found yourself falling.
Uncontrollably this time. Soon enough, you were lying on the ground, unable to
find your way back up.
You see, it was beautiful. It was the kind that started so
gloriously. Even if you don’t admit this, it still paints a smile on your lips
whenever the events on the first pages of your story, cross your mind.
But then again, it went away as swiftly as it came. It left
you so devastated, you started mourning again for your first love. You sobbed
and you wept until there were no more tears left. Just as when you thought you
could look at the world without having a blurry vision, it arrived on your
doorsteps. You welcomed it wholeheartedly because you thought that maybe, the
hands that inflicted wounds on your skin would be the same hands to cure them.
Of course you were wrong again. When you were already
sleeping soundly beside him, he left before the morning came. This happened
again and again. Just a pendulum that’s swinging endlessly. You had no idea why
it was so indecisive if it would stay or it would stay gone.
Until one day, you just decided to walk away. You thought
that love for the first time is blissful. Love for the second time is a choice.
Love for the third time is a gamble. But love for the fourth, fifth, sixth and
even seventh time is nothing but a waste of time.
Love, you realized, is just an excuse for people to hurt you
over and over again. Nothing ever lasts anymore. People will always find
someone else that they can replace you with. Letting yourself feel for anyone
is letting them destroy you in ways that they aren’t even aware of. Feelings
will do nothing but ruin you.
When all of the ache, anger and anguish left your heart,
emptiness made a home inside of it. You became numb on every affection that
others are offering you. You’re now indifferent to the emotions of those who
are around you. You refuse to accept anything because you think that people
won’t give it to you unless they are expecting something in return. You ignore
their promises because you have proven that even the sincerest words that were
spoken by the sweetest voice could be lies. You settled with goodbye because
every hello is just a chance for another rupture.
I am sorry.
I am sorry if you are too much for the world I am sorry that
you had to shrink yourself just so you could be contained. I know that all your
life, you just want to be free. You just want to be able to do things because
it’s your pleasure to do so, not because you’re a variable in a system that the
society has already programmed long before you were born. I am sorry if the
world is too loud and too cruel for you to live in.
But for whatever it’s worth, it is never too late to soften
your heart again. I know that you have been in the worst places. I know that
most of the time you are thinking of leaving everything behind. But you should
learn how to forgive this world.
Forgive this world for not returning everything that it has
taken away from you. Forgive this world for not noticing your screams. Forgive
this world for always making you feel like you are not enough and that every
misfortune is your fault. Forgive this world for giving you people who did
nothing but cause you pain. Forgive this world for not being the home that you
deserve to live in.
Somewhere inside you, I know that you still hope for a
better tomorrow. I know that you are still capable to feel deeply. I know that
you still believe in love and in kindness just like you always do.
Will you please do a favor for me?
Hold on. Endure all the days that you feel like you’re being
suffocated by everyone’s presence and you just want to be alone. Swim through
all the nights when being alone drowns you endlessly. You know it will not stay
like this forever. You know that soon enough, you’ll be elsewhere and it won’t
be this hard.
Noir | Sometimes al black is the answer. It’s always there to make you feel safe, comfortable, and simple. Today I paired my favorite pair of all black denim from Old Navy with this gorgeous chiffon blouse from @forever21. A simple black tank to layer underneath, and these super classic ankle boots to close the look. I kept the accessories simple with a Michael Kors Rose Gold watch, and my gold name plate necklace. Lips are Sapphire by Sephora.
“To infinity…” - a quote my closest friends got engraved on a gold plate necklace to celebrate when I hit 1 million followers on Instagram and something I truly live my life by. Never stop dreaming and surround yourself w/ people who believe in you 💫📷: @lukeshadbolt #BringOn2016! x by @garypeppergirl