going to vomit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2

11.25.15. 

3/100 days of productivity | came to local coffee shop at 8am, and it is currently 4pm :^) although I was working for pretty much the entire time, I am still struggling heavily with this task…tbh all I want to do is sleep cries but I have another hour before I have to leave so !!!fighting!!!

lgbt+ (ya/mg) books read in 2016!

so a lot of people still reblog my “60+ queer books” post from 2014. ngl, i was barely 16 at the time and had not read a lot of books on that list (it was def intended to be more a listing than pure recommendation), mostly because adult fiction was and remains far from my favorite literary category. this list isn’t as intensely detailed, but i just thought that since the year is over i might jot down some of the lgbt+ books i loved or at least moderately enjoyed this year, in case anyone was interested! happy reading!

(and in advance, excuse my commentary o<-<)

ya favorites

  • i’ll give you the sun by jandy nelson — m/m. HEART-WRENCHING. GUTTING. EARTH-SHATTERING. 
  • we are the ants by shaun david hutchinson m/m (suicide cw) 
  • my most excellent year by steve kugler m/m. gay asam main character and the best character dynamics ❤️____❤️
  • the flywheel by erin gough f/f
  • gives light (6-part series) by rose christo — m/m. centered around a mute main character on an indian reservation (written by a native author!), features one of the most uplifting romances of recent media (cw for csa mention later in the series)

other ya books 
ordered approximately by rating

  • far from you by tess sharpe — f/f. bisexual protagonist (drug addiction, murder cw) a book on recovery, love, trust, justice, understanding… gut punch!!!!!
  • into the blue by pene henson — m/m
  • not your sidekick by c.b. lee — f/f. DOES THE TITLE NOT MAKE UR HEART SQUEEZE ALREADY? features half-chinese & half-vietnamese bisexual protagonist in futuristic superheroic universe! the second book will be about a trans black side character *___*
  • starting from here by lisa jenn bigelow — f/f. you will cry and be made a better person for it. 
  • almost like being in love by steve kugler — m/m
  • tell me again how a crush should feel by sara farizan— f/f. sometimes this book is like :|||| but sometimes it’s like :DDDD! persian american protagonist. 
  • the darkest part of the forest by holly black — both m/f and m/m (like i’ll give you the sun). for your slightly more indulgent ya needs!
  • you know me well by nina lacour, david levithan — f/f, m/m
  • the great american whatever by tim federle — m/m. if you enjoy mg or find its lgbt+ subsection especially important (or both, like me!), definitely make sure you check out federle’s better nate than ever series!
  • last seen leaving by caleb roehrig — m/m
  • wonders of the invisible world by christopher barzak — m/m. magical realism fix may be found here 👍
  • true letters from a fictional life by kenneth logan — m/m. tbh people call it the “male version of ‘to all the boys i’ve loved before’” but also neglect mentioning that it’s a lot whiter, too. where’s that supportive covey family goodness… that precocious but caring lara jean spirit? it’s just not there…
  • colorblind by siera maley — f/f
  • her name in the sky by kelly quindlen — f/f
  • radio silence by alice oseman — f/f, m/m, not hugely romance-focused

middle grade
there were very few releases this year that i was aware of, unfortunately! my old list’s selection remains a good place to look. here are 3 that i would recommend though:

(i think i might have read george in 2015, but i felt that i might as well put them all together!)

  • george by alex gino — follows the story of a trans girl. its storyline is similar to gracefully grayson, but unlike gg it is written by a trans author!
  • the other boy by m.g. hennessey — follows the story of a trans boy. pretty solid story except… uncalled for random racist comment in the middle of the book… wyd (waiting for the mg genre to grow more inclusive of lgbt+ children of color! not being racially hostile is the FIRST STEP.)
  • gracefully grayson by ami polansky 

+ A GRAPHIC NOVEL MOST OF U HAVE PROBABLY READ ALREADY: LUMBERJANES!! love it breathe it read it

if you want some mg books that have casually gay side/main-ish characters, i can name the wolf wilder and the thing about jellyfish, although… you have to kind of dig for it, so i wouldn’t call these revolutionary moments of representation, but! it’s just a nice addition to separate stories that remind you that the middle grade genre can be inclusive w/o becoming entirely issue-based (which i find sometimes more inaccessible for children? i ramble!). i do believe it’s good for young children to read this kind of fiction, too! 

__

finally, some lgbt+ books i did not enjoy or care for in any capacity, for posterity: highly illogical behavior (gross narrative surrounding mental health, sexuality), symptoms of being human (ya book abt a nonbinary character; written by cis author who bscly uses sexual assault as plot device & doesn’t acknowledge neutral pronouns?), know not why (really unapologetically homophobic tbh), whatever.: or how junior year became totally f$@ked, more happy than not (so… bleak…), see you at harry’s, and lily and dunkin (this is the fourth mg book about a trans character that i’m aware of; i found its message hugely alarming and invalidating). that doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy them, though! 

[ image description: A screen shot of a post that reads “Don’t cross oceans for people who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you.” Someone has crossed this out with a big grey X and underneath added “No, do it. Do cross oceans for people. Love people, all people. No conditions attached, no wondering whether or not they’re worthy. Cross oceans, climb mountains. Life and love isn’t about what you gain, it’s about what you give.” End of descripton ]

I hate this post, I hate it so much. And let me tell you why.

At first it seems like a pretty good post, right? You should love people and do things for them because you want to or because it’s nice, or just because you love them, not because you expect something in return. Yeah. We learn that as kids. But listen. Listen to me. It is not that simple. Yes you should do nice things for people. Carry in your grandmother’s grocerys even if she forgets to say thank you. Sure. But you should never, never, pour yourself into someone who does not give back to you.

Doing everything for someone who gives you nothing in return is not love.

A friend of mine worded it really well “The point of the original post was to emphasise that your own mental/physical health is more important than someone’s selfish needs.” It’s not romantic to run yourself into the ground for someone who can’t even be bothered to care about you. And not only is it not romantic, it’s unhealthy.

I have, on more than one occasion, “crossed oceans” for people who I do believe loved me, but who didn’t even come close to crossing them for me. And do you know what I got out of that? The first one I lost 10 pounds because I was so miserable I could barely eat and I was throwing up what I did eat. And I was still doing whatever I could to be with them, and make them happy, even though they didn’t seem to be willing to put any work in themself. Why bother, I was always there. The second one I ran my own mental health so thin that that literally could not do anything for him, all I could do is sit in the bathtub and think about how I coudln’t feel anything. But I still refused to turn my phone off and ignore his messages. I still made myself avaible to him because he “needed me.”

There was nothing romantic about either of those situations (note: only one was a romantic relationship but the idea of giving and giving and giving when you’re gettin nothing back is romanticized whether it’s in a romantic or platonic relationship.) There was nothing beautiful or selfless about it. It was miserable. I was miserable. I can remember one of my friends telling me he missed me because all I could talk about was the person I had allowed to become my whole life.

And in the end, both of them stopped talking to me.

Don’t believe anyone when they say the second part of that post. It’s bullshit and I’m really tired of seeing it romanticized. It tells people (especailly young girls) that this is an okay way for a relationship to be, that this is what they should be doing. 

There is nothing selfish about demanding that your emotional labour be reciprocated. That’s what makes a relationship (romantic, platonic, or otherwise) healthy. That’s what love is. Both people giving. Both people supportin each other. Not one person giving until they have nothing left for themself. 

TSK: I’m not even joking, I checked and this is exactly what happened.

Cranquis: So your daughter has been vomiting?

Mom of toddler: YES, SHE VOMITED AT BREAKFAST!

Cranquis: Has she been able to eat or drink anything since then?

Mom: WELL SHE VOMITED BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO EAT HER BROTHER’S ENTIRE HARD BOILED EGG WITHOUT SWALLOWING BUT AFTER IT CAME BACK UP SHE CHEWED IT IN PIECES AND THAT STAYED DOWN JUST FINE.

Cranquis: 

Amnesiac Lance (pt 2)

[part one]

oh boy this is gonna be really long and angsty, fair warning 

  • lance starts remembering things in dreams
  • the first time he has one of these dreams, it’s really just this vague image of his mother, and all he can recall from it when he wakes, sweaty and confused, is her kind, soft eyes. lance doesn’t really know how he gets there, but pidge finds him on the observation deck, shivering and half asleep against the control panel 
  • by the time morning wake-up time comes, the previous night is a blur

Keep reading

I know this probably goes without saying but Alec and Magnus as individuals are so fascinating and complex. Each with such well-rounded, real struggles and stories. They are both so strong in different ways and vulnerable in others. It would take me far too long to name all of their unique qualities that make them the amazing, fleshed out characters that they are, mostly in part thanks to the insightful performances of Matt and Harry. But the depth that they have seriously blows me away. Alone, they are some of the most interesting, flawed, intriguing characters I’ve ever seen. And the fact that they are in love with each other and compliment each other and help fill in each other’s missing pieces in this sweet, chaotic, inexplicable RIGHT-ness is so incredible and we are so lucky to have these characters in our lives.

“And we didn’t even know each other...”

Look. I know Zayn and Louis applied for the same job. And Niall and Liam went to the same Busted concert (presumably when they were like 8 years old when Busted was touring before 1D was formed). Both of those things are neat coincidences.

But they aren’t very significant to any of them, because they’ve mentioned both of those things like one time in interviews over the course 6 years (and it was arguably to try and make the Script concert seem like less of a thing). 

You know what’s significant? What Harry himself made significant? 

The Script concert. He had to make a public declaration about it…twice!

“This place is incredible to me…I remember coming to quite a few gigs here. I remember I stood right there watching the Script and it turns out, Louis was at the same gig!“ - Manchester, 22 December 2011

“This venue is quite special to me. I’ve been to quite a few gigs here before. And I remember, about 3 years ago, I was stood just about there to watch the Script in here, and it turns out, that Louis was at the same gig!” - Manchester, 23 December 2011

Louis and Zayn have never described their mutual employment pursuits as “incredible” or “quite special.” And neither have Liam and Niall described the Busted concert that way, despite it being literally the same scenario as Louis and Harry attending a Script concert at the same venue on the same day.

So you have to wonder why Harry cares so much, why it’s such a curious thing that they were there, together, on the same night, at the same time, doing the same thing, and they didn’t even know each other. 

But then fate twisted, and they did meet, and became so important to each other, that it made the night they missed each other that much more significant. 

You, little human Part. I – Derek Hale x Reader

Summary: Focused on season 3A of Teen Wolf. I’ll play with the way the pack discovers who Darach is. In this imagine, the Reader is twin sister of Stiles Stilinski, belongs to the same social circle that he, except for the detail that she knows nothing of the supernatural creatures, mainly to protect her. The Reader has a crush on Derek Hale.

Words: 2721

Enjoy it!

Reader’s point of view

Your name: submit What is this?

The dream scheme had not changed after two and a half weeks of living it. Luckily, every night was more aware that it was that, just a dream. It consisted of the same, a pair of red eyes gleamed among the trees; I was surrounded in the dark, always in my pajamas, my hair matted and barefoot. Lovely! I remember looking everywhere, looking for a way out, but everything was black, the full moon barely could light the path. And as always, I started running blind, if I hit trees, if I cut or something, I just didn’t feel it, because it was illogical to run without seeing and not hit anything, but, what was logical in a dream? This was finished when i finally stumbled over something and the two red balls became bigger. In the distance, the howling of an agonizing wolf was heard.

I woke up to the creak of the door opening. It still took me a few seconds to recover from the bad dream, always causing insomnia and a good headache at school. But, the door? Why would Dad leave at two in the morning? That was happening countless times, only if there was a real emergency in the police station, beyond the murders that were happening lately, nothing else happened, although that seemed enough to make the men with whom i lived unbearable. They seemed to be punished, from high school to home, Stiles took care of bringing me and then he left, so this time, I knew immediately who was entering.

“How long does it take you to get there? Are you dating someone? … Oh, wait, you finally stopped being a virgin.” I exclaimed in a mocking tone.

Stiles closed the door and snorted.

“As if you were not, sister.” He hit back, I just shrugged.

“It’s different.” I finished down the stairs and joined him in the kitchen. “So, are you going to tell me that mysterious mystery that you bring?” I was excited to know something more; the town was beginning to bore me.

“There is no mysterious mystery”

“Then why come so late? Does Dad know? Come on, Stiles, I’m practically locked up at home because of you, I haven’t even gone shopping with Lydia, or seeing …”

I shut up, but I blushed. Stiles stopped paying attention to the contents of the refrigerator and gave me an accusing look. Of course my love interest was a secret to my friends, no one could know, not even Dad. My brother and his best friend barely got away with it.

"See who, Y/N? So you also have a mysterious mystery. "He pointed a finger at me.

"AHA! So you admit that there is a mystery ” Stiles came back to ignore me “Fine! Don’t tell me, I’ll find out”

I turned around and went back to my room. Something was going to happen to me.

The disadvantage of having a twin brother right when I needed to find answers, is that we were in the same group, always sitting next to Scott, whom I planned to corner somehow to tell me that it was cooking, but is that Stiles, as If I knew my intentions, it would not go away. After I finished pointing out what was on the blackboard, I glanced at Lydia, and of course she had already finished and kept drawing something, too distracted to notice the heaviness in my eyes. I gave up on her and went for Allison, she wasn’t over yet, and she was too far away to capture her attention. I snorted and leaned back against the chair. Professor Blake kept checking previous papers. Carefully I took my phone and decided to take the risk by sending a message to Scott. Do you know what my brother is bringing? Of course I didn’t trust much, the loyalty between them was unbreakable. Scott McCall looked over his shoulder and shook his head. Liar.

At the end of the class, everyone left the classroom, I was the last, simply because I wanted to follow the others, see who I can catch, maybe Isaac, I could take double from him, although, now that he lives with Scott, Hesitated This locked cat would drive me crazy. When I left the room I lost sight of so many people, I sighed and leaned against the wall waiting for the answers to be projected in the lockers opposite. Maybe I should try with Lydia.

Ready to look for her, I looked up, finding that, in the opposite direction of the walk of my companions, Derek Hale was approaching. My stomach responded by squeezing and I found myself adjusting and putting my hair in vain. When he saw me, he smiled. Almost never did, but we had a good relationship, of friendship, of course. I couldn’t see it as a target for the unknowns that hovered in the air, since it was not so close to my friends.

"Derek” Why am I smiling like a fool?

“Y/N” He nodded in front of me, though I noticed that his gaze was over my shoulder than in my eyes, I tried not to get discouraged.

“What are you doing here?”

I wasn’t going to lie, in my fantasies, I always imagined Derek appearing in high school offering me a hope of escape for a few hours. However, he seemed too absorbed to make it come true. I tried not to feel bad about the fact that he felt he wanted to get rid of me easily.

“I came to … visit a friend”

I struggled because my smile didn’t go away. He fixed his eyes above me again. I turned to the point of his gaze to meet Miss Blake, who also looked at my opponent.

“Derek” Her tone and joy sounded very adolescent. I began to feel nauseated. “Oh, do you know her?” She kept her smile. I had never felt aversion to Jennifer Blake until now.

“Yes” I tried not to sound so rude “I think I … I don’t feel well”

I looked at Derek, his eyes on mine, and for a moment concern crossed his face. Well, at least I lived with the comfort that he cared about me.

“You want me to take you with the nurse, Y/N?” Blake took me by the shoulders.

“Do you need anything?” I wasn’t delighted with Derek’s words.

“No, I’ll be fine … I just … I think I’ll look for Stiles”

I slipped away quickly, didn’t want to look back, the nausea would increase. My eyes began to itch. Derek Hale was dating someone, I wasn’t stupid, it was immediately noticeable, especially the teenage attitude of Jennifer Blake as she looked at him. For God’s sake, I think I’m really going to vomit.

“Feeling good, Y/N?”

I didn’t realize that I ended up against the lockers hugging my book against my chest. Lydia came up to me.

“You’re very pale.” She touched my forehead but I pulled away.

“I’m fine.” I trusted Lydia, maybe she was the only one who suspected my feelings, the others were busier in their mysteries to pay attention to me, not that I needed it. “You know … if Derek is dating … Miss Blake?” My friend’s gesture was strange.

“Ew.” She chuckled. No, she didn’t know.

“I’d better go home,” I announced as I sat up. The last thing I wanted was to meet again with that couple.

“I’ll take you, I just finished my classes”

I wasn’t surprised by Lydia’s intellect. I accepted, especially since I didn‘t feel good for walking back.

“You got to be kidding!”

I walked through my room while reading my brother’s text message, used to talk to myself when he did this kind of things to me. That is, to go to school? Right now? However, it was too tempting what I would receive in exchange for going there, would tell me the secret that is in hand, I would finally add some excitement to my life in Beacon Hills, even if it was something silly, if it is something Slightly different, I’m in! I slipped on my shoes and practically ran out, taking my jacket in step. No one was at home, so I would save the explanations. I was practically violating the rules, but in the first place Stiles incited me to do so, and secondly, I wasn’t a hostage, if they wanted to keep me, dad had to keep me behind bars.

Running was a challenge, but I didn’t give up my step, the sooner I arrived, the faster I would know that mystery. Too curious. I remembered that I had to talk very seriously to the sheriff about having a car of my own; that Stiles kept my mom’s Jeep was doing me something unfair. It was that or I could always bribe them with getting a motorcycle, I’d seen Aiden and Ethan’s, too beautiful to get my attention. I wondered what it would feel like to ride in one of them. Yes, it would be the perfect excuse to worry my father and have a car insured. Soon.

The school was deserted, I was surprised not to see the Jeep anywhere, but knowing my twin, He had possibly hidden it so as not to be discovered. I was committing another offense, in addition to having left home unannounced, being in school outside of reasonable hours was strictly prohibited, but not so much, considering that they left the doors uninsured. I went in through the main; the corridors were dark and cold.

“Stiles?” I called aloud. I swore that if this was a joke to scare me off, tonight would suffocate him against the pillow while he sleeps.

I took shelter and started walking, it wasn’t normal this type of cold, unless someone left the ventilation open. Nothing was heard, not a breath, not even the movement of an object.

“Stiles?” I tried again, but no answer. “Okay, if this is a cruel joke, I swear you’re going to wake up breathing under your pillow!”

My inside began to fear, but another part of me ignited the adrenaline and I kept walking, the school was terrifying but it managed to be more when there was not a soul wandering the halls, only mine, apparently. I looked out at one of the classrooms that had the door open; the low lighting allowed me to see that there was nobody. I decided that it was better to leave and torture my brother as soon as he appeared in the house, in my mind I imagined him tied to a chair, torture, i had to think about it. Then my phone rang, the screen lit the name of my twin.

“Finally!”

“Where are you, Y/N?” I concentrated on hearing his voice echo, but nothing. I shuddered.

“What do you mean, where am I? At school, right where you asked me to come.” I looked around.

“I didn’t ask you for anything”

“Stop, you sent me a message that I came here and you would reveal your mystery to me”

In his line, i heard the Jeep door slam shut.

“I just got my phone back; I haven’t had it for two hours.” I felt a chill on my back. “Okay, okay, calm down.”  I heard him get on the jeep and start, “Stay there, I’ll pick you up … no … Better run … no, don’t move …”

"Stiles!” His anxiety began to spread.

“Run!”

And as a sign I obeyed, however, a force pulled me from behind and threw me into the classroom I had previously reviewed. My phone fell a few feet away, I heard Stiles call me but when I wanted to reach him, a shoe crushed it. I stepped back from inertia and when I looked up, I discovered Miss Blake staring at me from above.

“Miss Blake?” She didn’t keep the day-to-day look she gave us, and the smile was different, evil, mocking. I began to fear her.

“Curiosity killed the cat, isn’t it, Y/N?” She walked up to lock the door and turned slowly to me. I stood up.

“Why I‘m here?”

“Little innocent” She laughed “You were too predictable with your feelings for Derek. Even he realized”

I swallowed and blushed, he notice?

"Am I here for Derek?” I never imagined getting stuck in a fight for a boy. It was kind of nasty and vulgar. I didn’t plan to start this, or to follow her game.

Miss Blake shrugged.

“In part.” She pursed her lips before displaying her teeth. “You’re their sweet, vulnerable human, you’ll lure the whole pack, especially Scott McCall.”

“Pack?” What the hell was this woman talking about?

“Oh, you don’t have the role of the ignorant, beautiful.” In seconds she held me tightly and threw me against the desks. I let out a gasp as i hugged my ribs with my arm, she seemed to know exactly where to throw me, “Your brother is a simple human, like you, but he belongs to Scott’s pack”

“What … are you … talking?” I said between groans.

“Don’t you know?” It seemed that she really believed me “Your dear brother is surrounded by werewolves and a lunatic banshee”

I leaned against a desk to slowly stand up. What was she trying to play with? Did she do this out of jealousy?

“I don’t know…”

I stopped when I saw her approaching, my hands flew to a chair, as soon as I got close, I used all the strength I allowed myself to hit her. Jennifer stepped back, i  didn’t waste time and ran out of the room. I felt a bit dazed by the blow and the corridors were moving in circles, it was the worst time for me to start getting dizzy. The brute force of that woman threw me against the lockers, I stood again, I was only a human as she said but I wasn’t going to fall into fragility. I didn’t go very far when she pushed me again. I sat on the floor, I couldn’t continue to think that the dizziness was more pronounced and I began to see blur.

Then a roar, no, several echoed in the hallway, I put my hands to my ears and blinked several times, I needed to recover my vision to see what the hell was going on. At last I succeeded, a few meters from me, two men turned their backs on me and faced Jennifer, crouched, roared again, this time not so strong and they went on top of her. I tried to get to my feet but a piercing pain pierced my body, which I sank back to the floor with a groan.

“I’m here.” I recognized Stiles’s voice at my side.

Looking back at the area of ​​attack, I saw one of them fly away landing at my feet, Isaac? With a transformed face. I complained again, he ignored us and returned to where the fight was unfolding. Scott? Was he the other boy? Was it Scott? I didn’t want to ask. Stiles made sure I could get up, but another sharp pang hit me.

“It hurts a lot.” I closed my eyes tightly.

“Let me help her.” I heard his voice. I wanted to see it, and the first thing I caught was his transformed face, just like Isaac’s, and glittering blue eyes stuck in mine.

Derek.

I recoiled against my pain, sticking my back against the lockers.

“It’s okay; Y/N” I was encouraged by my brother “Takehis hand”

I obeyed, concentrating on Derek’s arm, where black veins began to set, slowly the pain began to fade, the reminder was still in my body, but it was bearable. I sighed in relief.

“She escaped,” Scott announced. He and Isaac approached. Before my eyes, their faces returned to normal. And Derek’s too.

I held a cry. What was happening? Was this all real or was i already hallucinating?

“Scott, you and Isaac looking for her trail. Stiles and I took care of Y / N”

I was able to take the opportunity to speak, to demand explanations, but my head didn’t give more and my conscience much less.