goddamn it I need something to make me laugh

looking for more fun blogs to follow do these posts work???

please do something (reblog? like? respond?) if you post stuff like:

dragon age 

mass effect

(but only the funny stuff no shipping wars/intense mage v templar politics pleaasee?)

star trek

those cow poem memes

cats/dogs/horses

i dunno just funny stories

cool history stuff 

anonymous asked:

Hi I looked through your candleanon tag but everything is in the wrong order and I’m more confused now than ever. Can you just really quickly sum up what that is? Please xxxx

hi so before i get into it, i dont want people bugging me about who i think it is. i have my own opinions and you can have your own after reading this. thereโ€™s a lot, so iโ€™m putting most of it under a cut. xย 


okay so. basically a couple of days after the msg show, in the midst of all the chaos on my blog, i got a very innocent anon asking me if i like scented candles. i said i do and then they told me to try bullshit by iiuvoย bc their boyfriend likes it a lot. shady shady funny coincidence because louis did one of his first major solo shoots with highsnobiety.ย 

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talk about you (like you put the stars in the sky)

(written for @ransomweek and also @hoenursey bc i promised i would)

โ€œWeโ€™re gonna die,โ€ Nursey says, clinging to Ransomโ€™s hand as they make their way up the trail. โ€œBabe. Weโ€™re literally gonna die.โ€

Ransom laughs. โ€œWeโ€™re not gonna die, Derek.โ€

He doesnโ€™t need to turn around to know that Nurseyโ€™s making a face at his back. โ€œYou only call me Derek when weโ€™re in bed or youโ€™ve convinced me to do something terrible.โ€

โ€œThat isโ€“โ€ Ransom thinks about it. โ€œHuh. Goddamn, bro, youโ€™re right.โ€

Thereโ€™s a sudden scramble and a yelp, and Nurseyโ€™s grip on Ransomโ€™s hand jerks. Random turns in time to catch him by the elbow as he slips. โ€œI told you,โ€ Nursey whines, letting Ransom help him back up. โ€œWeโ€™re gonna die. What the fuck made you think hiking at night was a good idea?โ€

Random grins, leaning forward. Thereโ€™s enough moonlight trickling through the trees for him to find Nurseyโ€™s nose, and he plants a kiss on it. โ€œThe fact that Iโ€™ve done this with my dad and sisters since I was a kid,โ€ he says, โ€œand I wanted to show my city boyfriend the view.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s dark,โ€ Nursey protests, letting Ransom start tugging him gently up the trail again. โ€œHowโ€™re we supposed to see anything?โ€

โ€œBaby, you know what night vision is. Now youโ€™re whining just to whine.โ€

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I went to his birthday party last night, and for the very first time, I went alone. My parents showed up later, but I felt like it was a very important thing for him to see me as a singular entity, apart from them. I don’t even know; I was pretty high when I got there, so it made some sort of inebriated sense.

I was there for three hours, and I had some quality time with my parents, and his wife, and him.

I gave him the gift card, and he seemed very surprised and appreciative (even though it was only $10), and later on in the night we had a chat about where I work and how much he likes it there and how the department I manage is his favorite. It meant a lot that he said that because he didn’t even know that was my department, he just said he liked it the most. I felt completely at ease with him, which has practically never happened.

It’s insane how much my self esteem has affected the way I behave around him. I used to be a lot more insecure about myself, but I had a little fling thing with an older fella recently and he made me realize a lot about the way some ‘mature’ (older) view their romantic partners, or potential ones. It’s not about how you look objectively, because everything is subjective anyway. It’s not about the things you say, it’s usually about the way that you say them. It’s about the way you carry yourself, the subtle things, that’s what an older man will notice about you. Not whether you look skinny in this or that top (which I focused on a lot during the earlier years of my crush on J), but on how confident you look (and feel) in it. Not about whether or not what you said was that funny, but more about the actual process of talking to one another and nobody else.

I’m not sure if this is all coming across the way I want to (spoiler alert: I’m high while writing this), but I’m just trying to say that I was very into J when I started this blog. Unhealthily so. I thought about him probably 75% of my day, when I woke up, when I took a shower, when I went to bed. Then, I had that previously mentioned fling, and I didn’t think about J as much as that other guy. And then, I eventually lost interest in the other guy, and I had nobody to shift that focus to. So I shifted it to myself.

I didn’t mean for this post to become so self declarative, but fuck it, I don’t know any of you and none of you know me. So here’s my biggest accomplishment. I have fallen so deeply in love with myself that I have become entirely assured that, regardless of whether or not J or that guy from work or anybody likes me, that I am still a catch, a dreamboat, and an amazing person. And that self assurance has just made it that much easier for me to be my most authentic self around J, which in turn has made me seem a lot fucking cooler than I used to. I can actually hold a conversation with him, and it’s not the thing I think about for hours afterwards anymore. I’m still very attracted to him, but I’m not about to change myself for him the way I would’ve a few months ago.

There will be a time in your life when you won’t have anybody to crush on. It’s going to feel super weird, especially for those of you who’ve had the same tc for your entire schooling experience. But eventually, one day, you won’t have any feelings for anybody, and it’s going to feel really weird. You gotta throw that crush shit your own way! It sounds really hard, and it was at first, but I forced myself to start thinking about myself the way I would have about J. I fell in love with the little things about myself; the way I smile, and the way my hair falls out of the clip I put it in at work, the way my laugh sounds when I think something is stupid, the way I take care of and name my plants, the way I smell after a long day. I am truly in love with myself, and if someone wants to join me in that journey, they can feel free, but I don’t need a goddamn man to make me feel those warm fuzzy feelings anymore.

Easier said than done, but I highly recommend it.

Anyway, now that that rant is over, I want to say thanks again, and a tentative ‘I’ll be back’. I’m going to be seeing J a lot this summer, and as you all know, I’m horrible at shutting up, so I’ll probably return with a few more little tidbits here and there. But thank you guys; without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I owe you all a great debt. LOVE YOU DARLINGS!!!

The Dry Humpty Dumpty

fuck i’m laughing so goddamn hard rn someone save me

requests:

PLS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLESSE WRITE A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT DRU HUMPING HARRY OR HIM DRY HUMPING YOU I NEED THIS, AND YOURE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO IT FOR ME :’)

Okay @ whoever requested dry humping, thank u from the bottom of my heart. ALSO CAN I REQUEST SOME NEEDY KISSY HUMPY WHINEY HARRY???

warnings: well

member: well

side note: well

this is short and sweet heads up, i have no idea how to make dry humping any longer than this lmfao

“Y/N,” Harry whines, walking into the bedroom where you’re studying. You know that tone of voice. He wants you but you’re not in the mood.

“Not now, H. I’ve gotta study for my midterm.” You barely spare him a look.

“Pretty please?” he asks, leaning on his hands to kiss your neck. You push him away and give him a stern look. But he’s relentless. “How about a little over the clothes stuff?” you roll your eyes at what he’s implying and continue to flick through your notes. 

Well, you try to at least. Harry’s big hands swipe your notes to the floor and push you down on the bed, wiggling between your legs. You groan, frustrated at him as he presses sloppy kisses against your neck. 

You’re just about to push him off when his hips slowly start to move against yours, the friction making you second guess your decision to study all night.

Whimpers fall from his lips and he takes a tight hold on your hips to keep them in place while he rubs your clothed sexes together. He’s rubbing your clit with his thrusts and every now and then really digging his hips into yours, causing a heavy ball of need to form in your stomach.

Harry kisses your lips and cheeks; your jaw and neck, whines and whimpers falling from his lips. You wrap your legs around his hips so he has better access. 

He starts rolling his hips into yours, focusing a little more on your needs. His jeans are digging into your thin leggings, making your eyes roll back into your head. 

“More,” he begs, as you start to move your hips with his, finding any angle, any speed to make you both come. 

He finds himself picturing you on your knees in front of him, sucking his cock and taking him down your throat like the good girl he knows you’re not. He imagines your lips sucking on his tip and your tongue lapping up his cum. 

Harry’s arms give out and he lies completely on top of you, burying his face into your neck. He kisses and sucks your skin and you arch into him. Your hands find his hips and hold on for dear life. He’s moving hard and fast and desperate. “Please,” he whispers, moving his hips in a circular motion over your clit. You cry out and press yourself into him, wanting more.

He gives you a sharp thrust and you lose it, shaking against him while he continuously bucks against you, searching for his own high. He presses his lips into yours as loud moans fall from your lips. He swallows every sound.

When you come down he’s quick to flip you onto your hands and knees, reconnecting your hips to his as soon as possible. Now that you can solely focus on Harry you push your bum against him and he groans, imagining he’s pounding into your soaking wet and dripping pussy. Harry pictures you in this position, naked, with your legs spread wide, tight sopping hole on display. He starts to whine, begging you, pleading with you to make him cum.

You wiggle your bum against his shaft and he whimpers, his high getting closer. He imagines you cumming around his length, coating his cock in your slick. He imagines the space he has to buck into tightening by the second. 

Harry holds your hips squarely against his, moving his clothed crotch in any and every way. With a few more good thrusts and thoughts of you covered in him he comes against your bum, moving his hips through his high. 

He falls back against the bed, landing on a few of your notes, grinning like a goddamn idiot. You fall forward and curse yourself for letting this horny bastard distract you from your work.

sorry it’s not very long but fuck

86′ed Chapter 3

Dean Loves Pie! Catch up here!

Summary: Set between seasons 5 and 6. Dean has lost everyone he cared about. Youโ€™re running from your own past and end up working in a diner, where he just happens to stumble in one day.


You eagerly waited for your shift to end, the open-to-close had your feet and back aching. You leaned against the bar and counted your third of the tips, shoving them into the back pocket of your jeans. It had been a few days since you had last seen Dean, shouting a request for apple pie over his shoulder as he ambled out of the diner.

โ€œSo, whatcha got goinโ€™ on tonight, Y/N?โ€ Ellen slung a dishrag to wipe the counters down over her shoulder.

โ€œIโ€™m beat, I think Iโ€™m gonna just head back to the motel, catch some sleep.โ€ You shrugged into your coat, pulling your beanie down to cover your forehead.

โ€œYouโ€™re still staying at that ratty place?โ€ shock colored her voice and you nodded.

โ€œI havenโ€™t saved enough for an apartment. It is what it is. Eventually Iโ€™ll get to move in somewhere.โ€

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