goddamn nice

gather round tumblr it’s time for a story about why you shouldn’t solicit conversation with a stranger with a put down about their generation

i sat down about 30 minutes ago in the lobby of a very nice hotel, intending to do some writing. i have my laptop and my cellphone. as i settled, i checked some stuff on my phone, then turned to my laptop. because there aren’t many plugs, i’m sitting in a cluster of couches and instead of being by myself there’s an he’s an older gentleman across from me, polo shirt, salt and pepper hair. was very polite when i asked if he minded if i tucked myself in the corner of the couch

but apparently

apparently

he thinks computers are full of satan or something

because no sooner have i opened up goddamn word when he goes, “you kids and your electronics.”

ah, excellent, unsolicited conversation with a perfect stranger that comes with a critique of modern communication. fight me, bro, you got no idea who you’re tangling with. so naturally i push up my metaphorical sleeves (metaphorical because i’m in a goddamn resort and pavement is melting; i’m wearing a very nice goddamn dress and i’d look like a fucking soccer mom named helen if i had blonde hair) and very politely, i smash his face into the floor with “i’m sorry?” in an utterly flabbergasted tone because dude wtf and no one delivers slick put downs when they’re caught off guard

“i’m here reading my newspaper and after this my wife and i are going on a hike” (lol good luck with that dude the pavement is melting and you want to hike in the mountains) “and we’re going to interact with each other.” he gives my computer a v pointed look

naturally, i have the perfect response to this. it is pithy and eloquent and will surely put him in his place: “i… like to write, and it’s easier on a laptop?”

“it seems to me” (HERE WE GO) “that your generation” (OH GOOD) “is losing the ability to interact with other people.” (O OK) “my grandchildren never take their eyes off their cellphones anymore!” 

and here he pauses and looks at me. as if he expects me to agree. 

so i say “you were born in the 50s, right?” he says he was born in 59. “well, it seems to me that your generation is really fond of adultery, embezzlement, and corporate fraud, among other things, and i’m really enjoying paying for your retirement.”

i admit: i had this line canned after a little snarl i had with my mom the other night.

he stares at me. i stare back. 

“you also realize,” i say, quickly typing socrates kids these days quote into google, “that people have been saying kids these days since socrates said, and i quote, children now love luxury. they have bad manners. contempt for authority. they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.” i look up at him. he’s staring at me still.

i’m shaking because man fuck confrontation but also how hilarious is this because i literally had a fight with my mom about this twelve hours ago. i literally have a cranky tweet about it. “so it seems to me that making sweeping generalizations about people based on pretty arbitrary age groupings is kind of ridiculous since i’m pretty sure you’re not cheating on your wife or stealing from your company.”

he goes beat red because now i’m embarrassed him, and i feel really fucking bad because i didn’t mean to embarrass him, but also hey dude fuck you

SO OF COURSE he says “did your parents teach you any manners?”

and there goes the last of my embarrassment because hey fuck you dude the only person who can insult my parents is fucking me. and i say, without even thinking because this is when you have the snappiest rejoinders, “well they did teach me not to open unsolicited conversation with a stranger by insulting them so.”

at this point the dude’s wife shows up and they leave, and the waiter asks me if i want anything to drink and i’m like “yes please give me all your vodka” but instead i say “ice water” because the pavement is melting and if i puke from nerves after that, i don’t want to snort alcohol out my nose

that’s it that’s my story

dear writers and creators; please think twice before ‘punishing’ one of your characters for being nice. whether hobbling them in the narrative by pushing them in the background or making them an object of ridicule, or by killing them off for shock value, or traumatizing them to the point that they are no longer kind and compassionate towards others. empathy is not a sign of immaturity or inadequacy, and good-hearted people deserve to be more than disposable springboards to boost your protagonist. thank you.

anonymous asked:

Okay so in Batman Beyond there's an episode where Bruce and Terry go see a 'Batman Musical', just imagine that goes on in Gotham and Jason finds out and asks(forces/tricks) the batfam to go.

i’m finally answering this! i had a really rough week, which is why this took a while, but i kept thinking about this prompt and laughing, so thank you for that.

and on that note: are you serious, that’s amazing. i vaguely remember watching batman beyond but i don’t actually remember all that much about it. i’ll need to look this up.

but yes. yes. i want this to be a Thing.

i want to imagine it as something between holy musical b@man! and the ember island players. like. just picture the kind of crazy misinformed shit that these people are tossing into the mix because what’s the truth and what’s the lie, no one knows, they’re going to make a musical about batman and his however many kids/sidekicks anyway

(they people putting on this play are probably college students)

(stephanie has probably dropped by to help with set designs and laughed herself sick in the process)

getting back on track, how does jason find out about it?

there are two ways i think it could happen. one: jason loves lit. we know this. he collected first editions with alfred and bruce when he was a kid. in my personal experience, if you like lit, you almost definitely like theater in some sense as well. at the very least you’ve read plays. 

jason holds his goddamn red hood helmet like he’s hamlet and it’s yorick.

trust me, he likes plays.

Keep reading

oh man i haven’t drawn this asshole in forever can you believe i was able to draw that armor like 75% from memory

03. Valentine’s Day (M)

A/N: In honor of it being Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to embrace my trash self and write a little mini scenario for each member. Some are PWP some have backstory but they are all filled with filthy smut. Enjoy xx. :’)

Genre/Warnings: Smut; (pardon my vulgarities) featuring a Possessive Seokjin, The Pussy-Eating King Yoongi, Candle Expert Hoseok, Daddy Joon, Sub Jimin, Smug Tae, and Creative Kook.


Seokjin:

It was incredibly rare when Seokjin let his composure go and his patience wear thin. Normally he was gentle, the man taking every bit of his time to map your body out, making sure he takes notice as to what gets you writhing in pleasure beneath him. He’s patient, always putting you first, and he never asks for anything in return. But there are certain things that make him tick – one being when another man can’t seem to keep his eyes to himself.

Keep reading

Headcanon: Keith sucks at throwing knives. He never learned because he thinks its a huge waste of his beautiful, collectable blades

But one day theyre captured and have their weapons taken away from them, bayards and everything, except for a tiny knife keith keeps in his boot. He pulls it out and they start to plan out to get the guard close enough when Lance snatches it out of his hand

Everyone’s screaming at him because this is their ticket out but Lance fuckin THROWS the goddamn thing across the entire room and hits the release buttom, opened their cell doors.

They had to find a better nickename than “sharpshooter” after that

DC: You know what would be awesome in Batman Beyond?

Me: Damian Wayne having become a cool retired crimefighter as an adult and Terry being like “?????how???”

Me: Damian trolling the heck out of everyone by pretending he has no clue what’s going on? Taking that Wayne Obfuscating Stupidity to new and untold heights of sheer unbelievable trolling?

Me: Just Damian sitting there, sipping his tea, going “oh that’s my clone, don’t worry about him, I have dozens” like that’s perfectly normal, while Terry tries not to twitch and Bruce is just internally screaming?

Me: Damian letting his clones troll everyone, but dropping the act in a hot minute the second Bruce is Too Extra™???

DC: actually we were thinking more along the lines of making him the new demon’s head and evil and crazy after another fall out with his father but you know

Me: LALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY NEW HEADCANON, AKA DAMIAN AND HIS CLONES HAVING A GOOD LIFE WITH NICE THINGS AND TERRY HAVING THE WORST/BEST NEW UNCLES EVER WHO TROLL EVERYONE WHILE BRUCE SIGHS A LOT AND DICK TRIES TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE BUT THIS IS SOME A+ BATFAM TROLLING GOLD AND JASON IS RIGHT THERE WITH A CAMERA LIKE SURPRISE U GOT CAUGHT.

BADASS AU'S
  • I just survived a mob hit and swam a mile down a river just to escape them so no, I’m not in the goddamn mood to play nice-–give me your fucking car or I’ll blow your head off ok?
    • and, what the f–why are you laughing? tHIS ISNT FUNNY GIVE ME YOUR CAR–YES I KNOW IM NAKED ALRIGHT AND ITS COMPLETELY IRRELEVENT
  • you shoved a giant bag of cash and drugs in my arms while running from some people and tracked me down later to take it back but oho boyy fuck that I’m not givin this back. serves u right to thinking I’d be too innocent to do anything with it
  • I stole ur car to outrun these assholes but we got t-boned and now both of us are staring down 7 gun barrels-–don’t worry babe ok I totally have this handled
  • all I’m trying to do is capture this fucking guy but you just busted in here like such an ass to try and kill the mofo and I swear to god I will shove my foot so hard up your ass if you kill him—
  • I apparently pissed of the ‘fate committee’ by not dying when I was supposed to so now I’m stuck in some fucken final destination shit by avoiding all these attempts to off me–🖕🏽 fucku you’ll never get me
  • I have searched for years, gone through seven disguises, and am LAYERS deep in lies, ALL to get to the bottom of this mystery and claim my reward and here you come fucking EVERYTHING UP-–either you leave and wipe that goddamn grin off your face or I blow your brains out, go ahead and choose. 
    • *freezes when they say youll have to kill them to get rid of them*
    • *sees them smiling at it* aight fuck yuo
  • *record scratch* yes, some might wonder how I got in this situation: me, here, with a broken nose, few fallen teeth, my entire apartment complex on fire, lipstick all over my neck and ten cocked guns pointed straight at my head, but let me tell you– it’s actually a funny story.
  • yes I am gonna be fucking bitter about being stranded in space with an alien army chasing after us, I signed up for space rocks and neil degrasse tyson not the spacetime fucking oddessy