god the way he got all emotional here jfc dont look at me

anonymous asked:

Eric Matthews and Farkle brotp + hint of riarkle??

I was gonna do ‘Eric accidentally having to baby sit Farkle over the years and watching the kid fall in love with his niece while simultaneously emotionally adopting him as a nephew’ but then @plutomeetsgenius was like “involve anchovies” and it took a weird turn in my head so that’s not happening sorry.

  • Okay so
  • After the Valentine’s Day disaster
  • Eric was very torn up inside
  • Because on one hand he loves this kid like family and knows he’d never hurt Riley, but then he walked in on that compromising position and he was filled with protective anger, then he calmed down when Riley explained it was a mistake, then he was angry AGAIN because Farkle has poor wording, then after that whole chase he was starting to calm down, and then sitting next to a shivering miserable half naked kid with a head injury in the car just made him feel bad and his heart started to ache as a concerned uncle again
  • Like wtf @ emotions????
  • Eric’s gonna develop heart problems from this whole night alone omfg
  • Okay so anyway it’s a couple days since The Incident, Farkle’s out of the hospital, having won the battle against hypothermia but still had a head cold, a lot of bruises, a sprained wrist and a concussion to show from it
  • And Eric decides he needs to actually talk to this kid omfg
  • So he literally just arrives at Farkle’s house unannounced and when Farkle opens the door he is promptly ordered to get in the black van
  • Farkle is now terrified for his life holy shit Eric is a senator is he about to make Farkle disappear only to never be seen or heard from again???
  • Sure he’s thinking a little irrationally but hey the kids got a lot going on right now
  • So anyway Farkle swallows his fear and gets in the car
  • Eric does not say a SINGLE WORD to him and the security guards are just glaring at him
  • Like really glaring
  • They’ve been driving for like 40 minutes now and Farkle’s trying to break the tension like ‘sooo lovely weather we’re having’ and the one guard is just like ‘Senator Matthew’s niece is an absolute delight’ in a very angry voice, practically growled it omfg
  • Farkle’s head is swimming too much for him to come up with a response that is anything more than a squeak so he just turns to Eric (who’s all arms-folded-looking-in-deep-thought) and is like ‘so where are we actually going?’
  • Before Eric can respond the car just fucking explodes
  • Not full-blown explosion but somethings wrong there’s a fire in under the hood and smoke is going everywhere omfg
  • So everyone starts freaking out and rushes away as the flames get bigger
  • Except they’re in New York so you stop a car and run out you’re gonna have problems
  • Farkle’s literally immediately hit by a cab
  • It managed to stop in enough time to just tap him but he still fell over and this whole event was not good for his already swimming head
  • Eric’s yanking him to his feet to make sure he’s okay but everything feels like it’s slow-mo jfc he hates concussions he really does
  • And even though Eric is literally freaking the fuck out and checking Farkle up and down for injuries, his brain isn’t letting him process that right now, so Farkle is just like ‘holy shit I’m gonna die today’
  • And Eric’s like what????? Because Morgan’s husband is an ER doctor and he always says a lot of critically injured patients tend to know when they’re near death so this isn’t a sentence he wants to hear from an already-injured boy that just inhaled a lot of smoke and got hit by a car
  • But Farkle’s like ‘no I’m onto you you’re still pissed I’m dating Riley and now you’re gonna use shady politician ties to make me disappear SIR IM SORRY DONT HAVE ME KILLED PLEASE’
  • And Eric is just like. C h i l d.
  • ‘Robot oh my God how did you even come up with that I’m just taking you out-’
  • ‘PLEASE DO NOT HAVE ME TAKEN OUT I’M ONLY 15 I STILL HAVE LIFE IN ME”
  • ‘TO LUNCH FARKLE OH MY GOD’
  • And Farkle’s starting to come out of slow-mo mode so he’s like…wait what
  • “I wanted to talk to you about Riley so I’m just taking you to a restaurant for lunch, it’s like a block away from here if you’re feeling up to walk?”
  • So Farkle’s calmed down considerably (although discussing his relationship with Riley is making him feel a little queasy) so he agrees he’s up for the walk (bc the car really did only just tap him and he didn’t inhale that much smoke before getting out) so they head on their way with Eric’s security guards following along
  • During the walk Eric is making observations and dumb little jokes and mindless chit chat as usual but Farkle is just finding it so hard to pay attention omfg
  • Everything is just so bright and so loud and he’s just so tired omfgggg he’s never been this miserable before
  • He suddenly realizes his left side is starting to hurt like a bitch and is like ‘shit maybe I spoke to soon and actually did get hurt by that car’
  • But in his mixed up little mind right now, if he says that Eric is going to think he’s just trying to get out of this conversation and will get even more pissed at him so he just doesn’t say anything omfg
  • So he just. hobbles along as Eric is making dumb jokes about work and his guards aren’t laughing at them omg
  • Okay so they get to the restaurant right
  • Eric and Farkle sit down right away (Eric had made reservations) and the guards are nearby, out of ear shot but watching closely
  • So they get the menus and Eric’s reading through his and Farkle is just sitting there right
  • And he’s like??? Robot aren’t you hungry?
  • “I can’t read.”
  • “What??? I thought you were supposed to be a genius, what kind of robot can’t read?”
  • “No I- I have a concussion I’m literally not allowed to read”
  • And Eric knows nothing about concussions so he’s like ‘sounds fake but okay’
  • But ends up just ordering two of the same sandwich on the kid’s behalf lol. The also get an appetizer of cheese fries
  • But Farkle’s just poking at those because his head has him constantly feeling nauseous and his side really fucking hurts now omg 
  • So now Eric’s trying to figure out how to initiate this conversation
  • They need to talk about Riley, Farkle’s relationship with Riley, Farkle’s intentions with Riley, Riley’s happiness, Riley’s safety, Eric’s sanity, and a million other things. He likes Farkle, he does, but he practically raised Riley for the first 5 years of her life. He’s very protective of her and attached to her and he has to actually be SERIOUS with this conversation omfg
  • So he needs to starts this so he’s like “Anyway, Robot, I brought you here because we need to have a little chat. Like, a man-to-man chat. Uh, mano y mano”
  • “I could be wrong because of my head right now but I’m pretty sure that’s not actually Spanish.”
  • “I used to have a lot of sex with girls when I was your age!”
  • “…Literally what”
  • “I was a bit of a womanizer around town,”
  • “Why are you TELLING ME THIS”
  • “I had a huge reputation, because I was hormonal and desperate so girls knew they could get me to do literally anything for them. And I used to think that was like, the right way to do things, so I was always acting cool and trying to pass my ‘knowledge of women’ onto the younger kids,”
  • “Mr. Eric please stop,”
  • “You know, I’m actually pretty sure I taught your dad about French kissing.”
  • Even if he didn’t have a concussion, Farkle’s pretty sure he still wouldn’t know how to react to that. He’s just sitting there staring at Eric with wide, horrified and confused eyes while the man reminisces on his sexual exploits in his younger years
  • omfg
  • So Eric’s literally just listing off all these past girlfriends and hookups omg ‘There was this one girl Desire who literally made me into her slave for like a month, which wasn’t fun but she was a GREAT kisser so it was almost worth it. One girl I tried to become a figure skater for. One time I got a hair cut every week for a month or so because the hairstylist was so hot and she could basically bring you to a climax just from a basic shampoo massage-”
  • “M R . E R I C P L E A S E”
  • “Oh God, there was this one really hot girl that slept with practically every guy in the school, but she was super controlling and batshit crazy, like I remember she literally kidnapped Shawn one time, her name was Jennifer Basset-”
  • “MR. ERIC THAT’S MY MOTHER PLEASE STOP TALKING”
  • “…shit really?”
  • And now that Eric’s been pulled out of memory lane he sees how horrified this poor kid looks and realizes this isn’t the direction he wanted this conversation to go in this first place omfg
  • “Um, anyway, the point I wanted to get to is: I understand being a hormonal teenage boy”
  • “Okay thanks can I leave now??”
  • “And, as horrifying as it is for me to think about, you’re probably going to look at my niece and get some, um, urges,”
  • One slow blink. Two slow blinks. Realization dawning on Concussion Boy a moment too late. “Oh my God are you trying to give me the sex talk right now?!?!”
  • “Well, I’d rather we refer to it as the ‘Respect Riley’ talk but it does boil down to that at parts, yes. Anyway-”
  • “There doesn’t need to be an anyway! Sir, come on, you should know I’d never hurt Riley!”
  • “You hid having a relationship with her for two months and then tried to break into my brother’s apartment to be ‘romantic’.”
  • “It was her idea to hide the relationship! Does that not count as respecting her decisions?!”
  • “Not when her unknowing parents let you sleepover and share a bed with her under the impression you’re just friends???”
  • Farkle is just. So tired. He doesn’t want to admit Eric has a point there but his head is swimming and his vision is foggy and his side hurts more and more with every passing second omfg how can he escape this
  • Before either of them can say anything else the waitress brings their sandwiches out right
  • So Farkle’s like ‘maybe if I just fucking inhale mine I can get out of here quicker’
  • So he’s shoveling it down at alarming rates, especially since he had already been nauseous in the first place, but Eric is STILL TALKING WHILE EATING FU CK
  • So he’s going on and on about how any potential urges Farkle may have are not life and death and Riley is a princess who deserves nothing but respect and kindness and attention and love but ‘if she has any urges, run to a church please’, and ‘just know, whatever you do with my niece, I’ve done with countless other girls. I want you to look into her eyes and see my face, Farkle’
  • And Farkle is just s c r e a m i n g
  • He does not currently have the required brain power to find a way out of this WHY IS THE SANDWICH SO BIG
  • “I don’t know what your potential laser eyes could do to her but just keep them turned off at all times”
  • Farkle shoveling more food down and trying not to choke
  • “Do you have x-ray vision Robot???? Don’t you dare use it on her. You are not to view Riley wearing anything less than an astronaut suit. Just don’t even look anywhere below her eye level. Her body doesn’t exist, she’s a floating head. If you have one sexual thought about her, I want you to think about all the stuff I may or may not have done with your Mommy in high school.”
  • Although choking to death would probably get him out of this conversation faster,
  • “You can hold her hand, you can buy her milkshakes, you can tell her she’s pretty, you can treat her like she’s a gift to mankind. But lay one finger on her, and- okay, Robot, stop. You can’t fake a distraction to get out of this. I get it’s uncomfortable but man up if you really wanna date my niece.”
  • Except Farkle’s starting to breathe really harshly, like he’s gasping for air, and he’s starting to turn red omfg
  • “Wait shit kiddo are you choking???”
  • And Farkle’s shaking his head because prior death wish and slow brain functioning aside, he doesn’t feel like there’s something stuck in his throat. It just feels like it’s closing up and his tongue is getting an uncomfortable itchy feeling that he recognizes dimly
  • “What was in that sandwich you ordered me????”
  • So Eric’s like “Oh that’s the Eric Matthews Special here, it’s got ham and turkey and peppers and garlic and pesto and anchovies-”
  • Farkle manages to get out “allergic to anchovies!” before fucking passing out omfg
  • Fast forward to 20 minutes, in the emergency room
  • Eric’s pacing in the hallway waiting for the others to get here omg
  • Suddenly the entrance door is slammed open and in walks a Very Pissed Off looking Riley Matthews, stalking towards Eric with her arms crossed and a huge scowl on her face
  • “Hello to my beautiful, wonderful, amazing, special, and forgiving little Niche-”
  • I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU POISONED MY BOYFRIEND.”
  • “I mean, I wouldn’t call it a poisoning-”
  • “HE IS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM GETTING SHOT UP WITH MEDICINE AND NEEDS AN OXYGEN MASK, UNCLE ERIC.”
  • “At least the swelling went down so they didn’t need a surgery to open his airway-”
  • “YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HIM.”
  • “WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.”
  • Suddenly they have to shut up bc the doctor is out to give them the details omg
  • Literally no one else has gotten to the hospital yet so he’s only revealing this to Eric in hopes he can get the kid’s parents here sooner omg
  • Plus he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of that little girls wrath
  • So anyway okay they managed to pump him with the right meds so he’s no longer having the allergic reaction but he’s still out cold and they need his parents there immediately to sign the papers required for him to have surgery because when he passed out he moved in a way that PUNCTURED HIS FUCKING LUNG and they need to move FAST here
  • “How the HELL did he manage that?” - Riley
  • “Well, it appears he recently broke about 3 of his ribs. I assume they were holding together as well as possible but when he fell out of his seat the movement was enough to cause injury-”
  • Riley’s glaring daggers at Eric omfg “How did he break his ribs?”
  • “How should I possibly know tha- oh.”
  • “OH WHAT?”
  • “Okay in my defense, I asked him a million times and he insisted he was fine-”
  • “WHAT HAPPENED SQUIRRELS?”
  • “He might’ve…gently been hit by a car earlier…”
  • And Riley just. Takes a deep breath and walks away so she can call Farkle’s parents and tell them to hurry the fuck up
  • They get there within five minutes and Farkle’s immediately rushed into surgery ohmyGod. That itself was a production bc they really shouldn’t be giving him anesthesia with his concussion but they also can’t exactly just leave a hole in his lung omfg
  • Okay so everyone’s here now and in the waiting room but Riley’s secluded herself away from the group because she wants to worry alone
  • But Eric goes over to try to talk to her again but before he can even say anything she’s like “You were left alone with my boyfriend for an hour and a half and he came out of it poisoned, broken and punctured. How did I survive my early childhood with you?”
  • And Eric’s like w o w because that is quite a low blow she threw there
  • But he can see how hard she’s trying not to cry right now because she’s so worried so he’s like “Riley, I really am sorry. I just wanted to make sure you’re happy-”
  • “If my best friend dies, I’m not going to be happy?”
  • “I did not go into this with a plan to kill him, I swear. I just wanted to take him to lunch so we could talk. I really wasn’t anticipating a car accident and I had no idea he was allergic to anchovies like cut me some slack that is the most random thing to be allergic to!”
  • Eric’s saying this out loud but of course inside he is wracked with Guilt omfg
  • Riley doesn’t say anything but she leans her head on his shoulder so he assumes that means he’s forgiven until further notice
  • Farkle ends up being okay!!
  • Takes him like 2 and a half fucking days to wake up though
  • So everyone is very relived when the doctor announces he’ll make a full recovery
  • Everyone camps out in his hospital room while he rests up
  • But at one point, due to people breaking off to get some food or use the bathroom or whatever, Farkle’s alone with Riley and Eric
  • Riley’s sitting on the right side of the bed cuddled up to him with her head on his shoulder and they’re reading some book
  • Eric’s watching them without saying anything for a while and they’re exchanging little smiles every now and then and occasionally giggling at something in the book and Farkle’s been playing with a strand of Riley’s hair for like 10 minutes, Eric’s not sure if the kid’s even aware he’s doing it
  • So after watch the lovebirds for a bit Eric finally says “I really didn’t mean to almost kill you.”
  • Farkle rolls his eyes and says “Even Hambone didn’t go this far with intimidation tactics.”
  • “Seriously, it was an accident, but I’m so sorry Robot.”
  • “Listen, I went into that lunch expecting to die somehow. I probably should’ve paid more attention to my intuition or something. Or you know, mentioned my ribs being broken. Or you know, asked what was in the sandwich I was inhaling.”
  • “This literally is anything but your fault kiddo oh my God.”
  • “I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, I’m just saying we both made some bad decisions.”
  • “Yes but your bad decisions had to do more with you having a brain injury, I was just being an idiot.”
  • “Yeah, but I still could’ve-”
  • “Boys, boys. You are both stupid, okay? No need to argue about it.”
  • So now they’re laughing because wow gee thanks Riley feeling the love
  • But she succeeded in killing any leftover tension so that’s good
  • So now they’re all just joking around and Eric’s wondering how he even let himself get so worried in the first place because shit he does know this kid would never hurt his niche
  • Sure, he’ll still freak out over the idea of Riley growing up, but maybe Farkle’s a little better than he was at 15, and maybe he can trust him to take care of the princess, and maybe he can stop viewing this as ‘me vs kid-dating-my-niece’ and more as ‘my niece and the kid I’ve known for years and consider family.’
  • Eric still yells ‘make good choices!’ at them every time he sees them leave on a  date tho
  • He also bans all anchovies from his house and gets them removed from his signature sandwich just in case lmao
Unexpected Ghost Hunt: The Chatlogs pt 2

sammichtastic and I were not done with this ridiculous unasked for stupid hikinks Ghost Hunters AU no we were not.

In this episode, there are screaming loops and a poltergeist finally gets Bilbo and Thorin together

part 1 is here

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