god poems

I watched.

I simply watched as it cleared.

Despair, confusion, misdirection.

I watched because it was entertaining, like colors colliding in the sky above me.

I moved forward because it was obvious.

Gone were the moments of frustration, of anger.

If pressed I couldn’t point out where my tools lay now.

I no longer scoured for the correct incantations, for the promised land that I so needed.

It had all become a part of us.

Out of desperation we had given our decisions up to our strongest link,

To our most trusted friend.

It was all out of logic, it was the only thing to do.

I had already been defeated, my life ransacked by wicked things.

But that world was gone.

It had been drowned out by the vivid colors of grace.

I acted of course, I moved quickly when needed, seamlessly.

Decisions and battles – if you could even call them such – became anti-climactic.

Without worry, without tension.

I could feel the breeze.

I would focus on it, let it overtake me.

Grace was doing it all.

We will do it all.


“The Unveiling of a Boy Saved”

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.

you’re five
and you’re running around making mud pies in your backyard
with your best friend Jesus
and your mother reads you story after story before bed
Jesus cuddles up next to you with his arms behind his head
and you don’t know the feeling of sadness or loneliness
so that smile stretching wide is genuine instead

you’re 25
and you’re running around working 40 hours a week
travel time plus the hour you eat plus chores plus bills plus
you’re exhausted
and your mother is only a phone call away but
she’s busy and you’re busy and you haven’t spoken in a week
and sadness and loneliness are no longer knocking on your door
they’ve clawed their way into your skin and manifest themselves inside you
they’re a part of you
and it’s dark
and the thoughts in your head won’t leave
and you scream
and you cry
and you forget
you forget about your friend
your best friend
from when you were five
and you’re 

but He’s still there
He always was
He was simply waiting
for you to meet Him halfway

but now you’re falling and He’s worried

and you’re worried

you think you’re done
you’re drowning in sadness and loneliness
and anxiety
and depression
and PTSD
but you’ve still got one good fight left in you

so you land on your knees

01.11.2017, 8:43am

Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.
icarus watches the sun. gauges how close he’s getting, feels the heat on his back, the wax melting over his skin. icarus knows the exact moment his wings fail him.

achilles forgets about his weakness. he is a god, cutting his way through the battlefield, armor soaked in blood but none of it’s his own. he has no mercy, no lines he wouldn’t cross. he doesn’t even know he’s dead until his sword stops swinging.

hercules is tricked, wakes up to two slaughtered children and a dead wife. he is filled with rage, with red eyes and swimming vision. after he completes his tasks he toasts his victories with a goblet of ichor, the god’s blood. he’s dead before he puts his cup down.

you’d think after thousands of years, we would’ve learned from their mistakes. you’d think after thousands of years, we’d stop acting like it isn’t our own fault when our hearts stop beating.

—  the truth about your heroes isn’t always worth looking at– lily rain
sometimes your heart will hurt. sometimes your smile will ache. sometimes your light will dim. sometimes your spirit will break. sometimes your entire world will come crashing down with no warning, and no signs.. but no matter how destroyed you feel - you have to be willing to dig deep inside of yourself to find some ambition to get you back right. you have to look out for you. you have to let go. you have to place your focus primarily on YOU. nothing about losing what’s familiar feels good.. but uncomfortable places can be beautiful. growth is beautiful. you are beautiful. you shouldn’t have to wait around and pray for someone to love you. you should love you. you should let go - because nothing worth holding onto will ever destroy you. and holding on is destroying you. trying to love someone into loving you - is destroying you. let go because you have to get a hold of you. you have to retrace your steps and figure out where you let YOU go. you have to take time to yourself to reflect on when and where you lost yourself. you have to let go of what no longer is - and accept what may have never been.. then you have to pick yourself back up. you have to release any negativity clouding your mind and you have to rid yourself of hopeful feelings. cleanse your soul. listen to your intuition. learn yourself. let go of any bad habits you’ve picked up along your journey. and start over. no matter how bad or how much it hurts.. let go and start over. holding on is destroying you.
—  Reyna Biddy
You claim to love her, inside and out, but the only time you call her beautiful is when it’s 3 in the morning and I’ve already turned you down.
—  girls tell each other everything, c.j.n.