god nine months

Imagine Chris bringing you breakfast at work.

“Morning, baby.” Chris mumbled into your skin as he peppered it with soft kisses. You stretched in his arms and smiled, pressing your back against his front. “I’m definitely going to miss waking up to you when I have to leave for ‘Infinity War’.”

“Aw, sweetheart.” You reached behind you and looped your arm around his neck, pressing your face against his pouty one. “I’m going to miss you too. But hey,” you reached for your phone to check the date and your remaining days together, when you saw the time; 8:14AM, you were late for work. “I gotta go!” You broke out of Chris’ grip and jumped out of bed, nearly falling face first when your feet got caught on the sheets.

“You’re going to go to a funeral home if you’re not careful,” he sat up, chuckling. “Babe, relax.” He told you; you resembled a pinball as you bounced around the room, scrambling an outfit while you brushed your teeth. “I’m sure Xenia can manage without you for a while, I mean- who’s getting flowers so early in the morning?”

“You don’t understand.” You told him as you continued to brush; it was probably hard for others to understand, but Chris had your toothbrush talk down pat. “We’ve got a huge order of table arrangements to do today. It’s for a wedding and the bride’s totally insane, if she comes in to do an impromptu check- Xenia’s going to be fucking pissed I’m not there.”

“Okay, well- you still need breakfast, so I’m going to go quickly whip something up for you to have on-the-go. What do you want?” He flipped the covers off his legs and started to get out of bed when you stopped him.

“No time,” you told him then entered the bathroom to rinse and spit. “Don’t worry about it, babe. I’m not very hungry anyway, I’ll just pick something up later on my lunch break.” You told him and closed the ensuite door behind you so you could pee then change.

While you were changing, you heard footsteps which meant Chris was doing what you told him not to anyway. You sighed with a smile because you loved how unbelievably caring your boyfriend was, that smile faltered slightly when you realized it wouldn’t be long until you had to say goodbye to him for at least nine months. God, you were going to miss that perfect specimen of a man.

You went downstairs and into the kitchen to kiss Chris goodbye and chuckled softly at his variation of “quickly whip something up for you to have on-the-go.” You’d usually just make a smoothie or a protein shake for him when he was running late, but Chris? He had to make a feast with pancakes and bacon and eggs. For a man who was about to run off and be Captain America for the last time, one would think he’d cut his normal eating habits.

“Chris, baby. I love you, but I really don’t have time for any of this,” you told him then pressed a kiss on his cheek. “I have to go, okay?” You grabbed an apple from your fridge then headed for the front door, Chris following behind you. “I’ll see you after work?” You quizzed as you cupped his clean shaved face in your hand; he nodded. “I would really like to see Cap with a beard in 'Infinity War’, you should really pitch that.”

“Maybe he does and I just shaved to throw you off,” he teased and you laughed then pecked his lips before heading for your car. “Drive safe,” he called as you climbed in. He waved until you drove out of the driveway and around the corner.
• • • • • • • •
“I can’t say I like you with Chris,” Xenia began and your eyes narrowed. “Without him, you’re always on time for work. With him, you’re almost always late.” You chuckled when you realized she was just teasing you. “What do you two get up to every night, hm?” She smirked and you laughed, feeling slight heat rise to your cheeks when you thought back to your late nights with your boyfriend.

“Like I haven’t covered for you when you go out and party a little too hard with Tris,” you playfully bit back and she chuckled. “Speaking of, congratulations.” You smiled when you saw her smile; she’d just gotten engaged to her girlfriend of six years. “I can’t wait to see how beautiful your wedding is.”

“And I can’t wait to order flowers from a shop where we don’t have to arrange them,” she said and you both laughed. “What about you and Chris?” She asked when you both settled. “Think you’re ever going to tie the knot with him?”

“I’d like to,” you nodded, smiling. “But it’s not really my choice, is it? He knows I’m in it for the long haul, if he wants the same thing then- he can propose. But I’m not going to push him, I’m good with what we have. Plus- I think he’s got enough on his plate at the moment with 'Infinity War’ coming up and his contract ending.”

“Is he planning on signing another?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “He’s said a few times that if Marvel wants him, they have him, but I personally feel he’d be happier doing something else. He loves directing and he was so happy directing 'Before We Go’, so maybe he’ll go look for something else to direct. He just wants to be known for more than Captain America, and he should- he is so talented.” You were so busy talking about Chris that you didn’t realize he’d walked into the shop and had heard everything you said; he smiled at Xenia who’d spotted him the second he walked in.

“I think you have a customer,” Xenia beckoned her head at Chris and you turned around; you immediately smiled when you saw his face. He held up a little picnic basket and you knew he’d brought breakfast to you. “Oh my God,” Xenia chuckled when you turned back to her, suppressing your excited smile with pressed lips. “You’re not even engaged yet and you can’t spend a minute apart,” she teased and you and Chris laughed. “Go, I’ve got this.”

“Thank you,” you reached over the workbench and hugged her, before gesturing for Chris to follow you into the back room. He gave Xenia a quick peck on the top of her head as he walked past, making her laugh. “Yes, fooood.” You cheered as Chris laid out the spread his made this morning on the table. “I’m so hungry.”

“I knew you were lying about being hungry,” he chuckled. “You’re always hungry.”

“True,” you grinned as you forked a piece of pancake onto your paper plate. “Mmm!”

Chris chuckled as you audibly enjoy his breakfast, there wouldn’t be a day where he wouldn’t find you adorable. His chuckles turned into laughter when you did a little dance in your chair, humming happily as you ate. God, you were such a dork, but at least you were his dork. He reached across the table and took your hand in his, pulling it to his lips. You raised an eyebrow as he kissed the back of your hand; he smiled in response.

“I thought the flowers were going to be the prettiest thing in this shop, I was very wrong.” He complimented and you chuckled, shaking your head. “You know,” he said as he released your hand, scooping himself some scrambled eggs. “This is the first time I’ve brought a girl breakfast after she skipped out on me in the morning.”

“We’re dating,” you chuckled.

“Still left me cold and alone,” he pouted then laughed when you laughed. “But hey, some girls are just worth chasing.” He shot you a wink and you smiled, kissing the air in front of you. “So, you think I’m talented, huh?” He began with a smirk, feeding himself some eggs.

“Of course I do. I’ve always thought you were talented, incredibly talented for a matter-of-fact.” Your eyes narrowed at his question; it seemed random to you until you realized he was talking about what he heard earlier. It dawned on you that he might have also heard you talking about marrying him. “Exactly when did you walk in on our conversation?”

“Around the time when my beautiful girlfriend starting complimenting me,” he told you and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. “But,” he continued and you tensed, “I may have also heard said beautiful girlfriend talking about marrying me.”

“Oh,” was all you could manage.

“Hey,” he chuckled when he saw your tension; he reached over the table and placed his hand over yours. “Don’t look so worried, that’s definitely the direction we’re headed.” Your shoulders relaxed a little and you smiled at him. “I’ve just got a lot on my plate at the moment, like you said. I want to marry you, you bet your ass I’m going to marry you.” You laughed at that. “But I’m going to do it when things settle a little, okay?”

“Okay,” you nodded, smiling.

“I love you a lot more than you know, Y/N,” he told you. “You’re never going to be the one that got away,” he assured you then kissed the back of your hand again. You smiled and pressed your hand against his face, to which he turned in to and kissed your palm. “Never.”

“Likewise, Evans.”

Just so you know...

If Santana could ACTUALLY get Britt pregnant, there’s no doubt in my mind she’d be due right about now.

So, we getting that spin-off or nah?

INFINITE REACTION: Where you find out you're pregnant

Sunggyu:

“Oppa… Well… I’m pregnant.”

He would be surprised and without words at first but inside, his reaction would be the same in the Viking Ship!

But after the shock, Sunggyu’d try to take care of you and the baby into your uterus, but he’d be a little fumbling, not knowing what to do right.


Dongwoo:

“I’M DADDY! I’M DADDY!”


Woohyun:

“Are you saying that…”

“We’ll be mommy and daddy!”

After the news, Woohyun would be very worried about you and the baby, so he’d be very careful, not letting you do any kind of effort.

“Jagi, you can let that I’ll get water for you. Do you want icy, ambient temperature or warmed?

“Icy”

“But what if you catch a cold?”


Hoya:

“Oppa, are you okay?

“Yes… I… Am…”

But throughout the pregnancy he would be a very present partner in all your medical appointments and always there, smiling for you and the first member of your family.

“I love you, and I love our baby, jagi.”


Sungyeol:

Lost Sungyeol

And sunddely…

“OH MY GOD!”

And during the nine months, Sungyeol would always happy and making the same expresion for everything new and good that happened with you and the baby.


L:

“Pregnant? How?”

“Seriously, you want me to explain how to make babies?”

“I think it’s not necessary…”

But after some seconds, he would understand finally.

“I waited so long for this, jagi…”

This kid will kill me someday <3


Sungjong:

“Oh god! I’m so happy, jagi! I don’t see the hour to have him or her in my arms!”

He would be the most careful of the group and always knowing what to do and when do!

~ADM Misso

GIF Credits to Their Original Owners!

I’m Pregnant (Sam Drake x Reader)

It’s only a few days ago when I found out that I was pregnant. It explained a lot about my morning sickness and cramps and abdominal pain. I know how Sam feels about having children and I know he won’t take this nicely. I asked him about it months ago, but he would just dodge the question.

Now, leaning against the pillar while looking out into the sea, I don’t know if I should tell him or not. He would want an abortion, but I don’t. It worries me that I would have to if I told him.

An arm wraps around my shoulders, pulling closer. “Something on your mind, dear? You’ve been staring at the sea for about an hour.” He chuckles and looks at me, but I can’t look back at him. I look the other way and Sam puts a finger on my chin, making me look at him. “(Y/N), what is it?”

I take a deep breath. “What do you think about family, Sam?” I ask for the billionth time, crossing my arms. He lets go of his wrap around me and leans his back on the pillar beside him, clearing his throat.

“Well, you know family means a lot to me. Like my brother, he’s family and you know how much he means to me…” He pauses, thinking of something else. “Elena, she’s considered family now, too.”

It surprised me that he even replied to that question; I have been asking that for months but he never replies. “I’m talking about children…” I speicified.

The look on his face changes as he knew that I wasn’t talking about that kind of family. I wait for a reply, but knowing that he won’t, I add on: “I’ve been thinking about it. We could have them here, free to roam around in the sand, bring them to school–”

Sam cuts me short, “(Y/N), we’re not even married and you’re already thinking about children?” His tone was angry and it shook me a little that he was like that. If only he knew the truth behind the question, maybe he won’t be as mad. But my heart is beating fast and I just can’t tell him. He’ll be asking for an abortion and I can’t do that.

“Wait a minute.” Sam looks at me and then at my stomach; he rubs his face in realization. “Fuck…” He curses. “How long?” He asks me, looking into my eyes as tears start to form.

“A week…” I answer with a shaky breath.

“But you’ve been asking for months, it couldn’t have–”

“I was thinking about it for months but I wasn’t pregnant.”

He looks around in frustration. “Shit…” He hangs his head, stressed about this.

At this point I knew that he would ask for an abortion, so I readied myself to beg. He looks away  to his right, looking at the sea, tapping his fingers on the railing and then leaving into the house. He knew that his sudden anger scared me, so he had to distance himself so that he won’t hurt me more than I already am. I sigh in relief that he didn’t ask for an abortion, but I still have a worried feeling about how Sam feels about this.

Sighing, I make my way to the beach, sitting down with my knees pulled to my chest and feeling the soft sand between my toes. I look at the waves crashing to the sand and the sea reflecting the light of the sun; the seagulls squawking and flying away catches my attention and I look at them as they fly above the ocean, their silhouette showing from the light of the sun.

My thoughts were on the baby, wondering what name to call him or her. Then it suddenly saddens me that maybe Sam might leave me for this; leave me to be a single parent and raise this child on my own. The idea bring tears to my eyes and I wipe them away, just in time before Sam arrives and sits beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I was surprised that he would interact like this to me, but I rest my head on his shoulder, ignoring his sudden change of mood.

A moment has gone and I hear Sam’s heart race. I’m about to question him about it, but he starts to move. “(Y/N), I’m sorry that I don’t have a ring for this,” he holds my hand and raises me up with him and he kneels down on one knee, holding one of my hands, “but will you be the woman that I will spend the rest of my life with… Grow old together, Christ, even have children together…. Will you be the woman that will bring light when it’s dark and sun after the rain…” He pauses, looking at me intently into my teary eyes. “Will you marry me?” His beautiful proposal has brought me to tears and I nod my head for a ‘yes’, a lump in my throat stopping me to say anything. Sam raises up and twirls me around, laughing. When he puts me down, he kisses me.

Albeit, I can’t help to think that he’s asking me to marry him just for the baby. “This is not just for the baby, is it?” I ask, an eye-brow raised.

“What? No! Well, maybe: but I’ve been thinking about marrying you the moment I saw you.” He says and we walk inside the house, his hand on my waist, telling the story of how we met.

There is silence when we enter the house.

“I thought you were upset about this.” I break the silence as he closes the door that lead to the back porch. I lean against the counter in the kitchen.

“I was, but I called Nathan and he talked me through.” He replies, leaning onto me, each hand resting by my sides. “I can’t help thinking about being a parent. You know how I am, I’ll be a horrible father.”

I land a hand on his cheek, comforting him from his thoughts. “I’ve seen you treat Nate. If you were brave enough to take a bullet for him; to sacrifice everything for him; you’re wrong about being a horrible father.”

His face brightens and he kisses me. “God, I fucking love you.” He says in between our kiss.

I giggle because of how excited he feels; it’s like he was never this happy in his life. All we have to do now is to survive nine months without doubts.

- - - - -

Today was the day when the baby came out of my God damn womb. Nine months felt long with all the pain in my stomach; cravings every night; and uncomfortable feeling when I’m sleeping. Albeit, what really was the struggle was the doubts that Sam had. Sometimes, I had to remind him that he’s going to be a great father and remind him the things he did for his brother.

Although, it wasn’t only pain and misery; it was heart-warming and exciting too. The stories that Sam told to the unborn baby and me listening to them made me a little teary. The excitement that I see in his eyes were different from the excitement that I see when he’s treasure hunting; but that’s a different case.

The moment I saw my baby girl all wrapped up and screaming, I cried and Sam cried along with me, kissing my cheeks and had to wipe his tears every now and then. He called Nate, Elena and Cassie to join for Sam to talk to and throwing away all the doubts he had in his head.

Cradling the baby girl in my arms while Sam rests on a chair beside my bed, his head laying on the mattress while he’s still holding my hand, I finally feel complete. Like I wasn’t to begin with (note the sarcasm). I thought that having Sam in my life would change everything, but it felt like it wasn’t enough. Looking at my baby in my arms, it’s like a puzzle piece was placed to complete the puzzle.

A knock on the door breaks me from my thoughts. A few seconds later, Cassie comes in, her eyes tired.

“Hi, sorry to bother, my parents are asleep and I didn’t know what to do.” She shrugs.

I smile at her sheepishly. “Of course, come here.” I put my free arm out for her to look at the baby. She snuggles right beside me and soon, her tired eyes were wide and her mouth agape.

“Does this mean I’m an aunt?” Cassie asks. Of course, being an seven-year-old, you can’t really understand family and in-laws yet, but I laugh lightly at her question.

“No, you’re her cousin; your mom is her aunt.” I reply, squishing her cheeks.

Her face sinks as I told her the truth. “Don’t worry, if you’ll have a sibling, then you can be an aunt.” When I said that, her face brightens and she hugs me.

“I’ll go ask mommy if I can have a brother. I’ll be right back, aunt (Y/N).” She hugs me again before leaving the room and I can’t help but shed a tear down my cheek. Cassie is a wonderful girl, but her calling me her aunt was a big deal since Sam and I are not married yet. We both discussed that we would get married after the baby is born, leaving Elena and Nate doing all the planning because stressing me out will cause a lot towards the baby and Sam can’t do shit with planning.

Sam hasn’t woken up yet. Heavy sleeper, I think to myself as a I ruffle his hair. God, I’m a mother now; and he’s a father. We’re actually parents. My grandfather is now a great-grandfather and if my parents were here, they would be outside in the waiting room, talking about being grandparents.

I sigh at the thought. My parents… It still saddens me today about what happened to them. Who doesn’t think about their dead parents and not have a sinking feeling?

My eyes are growing tired and I decide to place my baby in the cradle. Sam fell asleep right when they brought her to me and we couldn’t decide on a name before this; he wanted to wait until he saw her and then we can decide.

“Good night, little angel.” I kiss her forehead before placing her in the crib.

- - - - -

“You ready?” My grandfather asks, his head poking out of the door as I look at myself in the mirror one last time. Wedding jitters, I’m trying not to let them get to me because I know that Sam is the one for me. I take a deep breath, nodding my head and standing up from the seat in front of the mirror. I pick up the side of my dress in order for me to not trip on the sand. Elena and Nate thought that a beach wedding (behind our house, might I add) would be a good way to go. Considering that they were married on a beach as well, they thought that we both wanted, too. Not going to lie, when I walked out of the room and saw the decoration, my breath was taken away from the beauty of it.

The arc just in front of the sea and the carpet in the middle, leading to the arc where Sam, Nate and Elena with my baby were waiting. Sam told them one order before they invited guests: “Don’t invite people I don’t know.” So, they invited no one but family. Not that I don’t mind, it’s simple like a I want it to be.

My grandfather puts out his arm and I put my arm through it, walking down the aisle. Sam looks at me, his breath taken away and I just smile at him. Elena picked out my dress as well, tight fitting like I like it, showing my thin waist; the front part of the skirt of my dress reaching up to my knees, but the back part flowing like a waterfall.

Nate lightly pushes Sam and he is taken out of his thoughts once I’m in front of him.

“You’re beautiful.” He comments, breathlessly.

“You’re handsome yourself.” I reply to him as his eyes are scanning my dress.

The wedding was longer than expected, but when it was time to kiss the bride, it felt like it was only minutes ago it started. Sam pulls me in on a kiss, laying me halfway down like they do in the movies which took me by surprise. When we were back up, I looked at him, surprised and I pull him in for another kiss. That’s when my grandfather had to pull us away from each other and force us to walk down the aisle as they cheer for us.

The party was inside the house, cake and a buffet in the kitchen, designed nicely. It’s amazing how Elena and Nate managed to do this and they continue to amaze me with what they can do. Talk about a power couple.

We spent most of the afternoon, laughing and talking to each other; but most of all, Sam wouldn’t stop glancing at me and neither could I. I’m not (Y/N) Sullivan anymore, I’m part of the Drake family: Mrs. (Y/N) Drake.

“Aunt (Y/N)!” Cassie interrupts my chat with Elena and Nate. I place my glass on the counter, picking her up.

“Yes, Cassie?” I ask.

“Mom and Dad said that they can give me a brother.” She exclaims, pointing at them.

I look at them as they exchanged looks and awkwardly laugh.

“Alright, Cass, do you think we should leave Uncle Sam and Aunt (Y/N) alone?” Elena asks as I hand Cassie over.

The thought of being married; being an aunt; being a mother was overwhelming and I nearly broke down in tears before I reminded myself that I can show that much emotion after the party. It felt like it was too much to gather for one day and when the party was finally over; when everyone left, Sam and I plopped on the couch, sharing a silent moment together with the exception of crickets singing and the waves crashing onto the shore.

“What are we going to name her?” I ask, breaking the silence as I rest my head on the crook of his shoulder.

“Samantha.” He replies quickly.

I chuckle. “You’re naming her Samantha so that we can all be confused on who I’m calling.” I reply, looking at him with an eye-brow raised.

He grins back at me. “No, it’s so that you can start calling me in cute pet names. Like, honey, darling, baby, sweetheart–”

I cut him off with a kiss. “You’re already a sweetheart, no need to be called that.”

“I know, but I would like to hear you say it.” He dares me. I don’t like the idea of pet names, but Sam thinks that it’s cute when I say it from time to time. He has been calling me ‘hon’ and 'honey’ for the past God knows how many months, but I wasn’t really into the idea. “Say it.” He dares me again, placing his forehead onto mine.

“No.” I reply with a laugh.

“Say it.” He leans onto me, slowly laying me on the couch and his hands on my waist.

“I’m not going to.” I say again.

“You asked for it.” He immediately attacks my waist with tickles and I laugh loudly, surrendering.

“Okay, okay, fine!” I look at him. “Honey.” And he smiles at me.

He kisses my nose.

“You missed.” I mention, smirking at him.

“You’re like that now, huh, hon?” He smirks back, attacking my neck with bites and kisses, his stubble tickling me again and I giggle.

Samantha starts crying in our bedroom and we break our kiss. I stand up but Sam grabs my hand, making me turn back to him. I raise an eye-brow, “I need to take care of Sam.”

“Which Sam?” He raises up and wrapping his arms on my waist, leaning down to kiss me. Samantha squeals louder and I playfully push him away.

“Shave and I’ll take care of you, too.” I mention, but Sam was being stubborn and I push him away again. “Go!” And he laughs, walking to the bathroom as I walk into the bedroom, breast feeding Samantha.

Looking back to the span of ten months, it has been an adventurous ride; a different adventure than treasure hunting and solving puzzles. After what happened in those ten months, I was sure that I’m leaving the treasure hunting behind for the good old times. After my parents left me, I was taught one thing: never abandon your family.

- - - - -

Also found on Wattpad by: Graceful_Gryphon

anonymous asked:

hi, im protestant, from mexico. so i've been teached that mother mary is really a pagan goddess of fertility related to lilith and mesopotamia which means is a demon so catholics are worshiping a demon, but… how do i know is true, i have so many doubts about it. i just wanted to ask your opinion about it. not that i really believe such thing.

…………wow, I really thought I had heard everything, but this is a new one.

The short answer is–no? I’m not even sure where that’s coming from? Catholics believe that Mary was a Jewish woman from the first center AD, who gave birth to Jesus Christ and therefore was the Mother of God. We also believe that she was born without sin, in order to carry God for nine months. She was holy and first among women, but she was absolutely a human woman–she got rocks in her sandals and screamed and wept and lost a son, just like any other woman would.

(and Catholics technically don’t worship Mary, we venerate her. I discuss the differences in this post.)

I have read comparative mythology papers that argue Mary is the Christian answer to the “divine feminine” or the “divine mother” of some pagan religions. But that doesn’t make her any less definitively Christian. (My many issues with comparative mythology are a topic for another day.) Additionally, the closest analogue would certainly not be Lilith, who occupies her own space as temptress, demonic queen, and bringer of illness within Catholic lore.

(I talk a little bit about Lilith and her evolving history in this post)

Other than that, I’m not sure what to say. Whether Mary is a demon…is never an argument I’ve had with myself before.

CUMONG IS RAISED BY HEDGEHOGS

THE KING OF KOREA HAS A DAUGHTER CALLED RYUWAH. SHE’S SO FUCKING HOT THAT SHE HAS TO BE KEPT INSIDE TO STOP ALL OF THE NATURAL FORCES FROM HITTING ON HER. IT’S KIND OF FUCKED UP. 

ONE DAY, SHE SNEAKS OUT OF HER ROOM AND GOES FOR A WALK OUTSIDE. BAD FUCKING IDEA. THE SUN SEES HER  AND THINKS SHE’S SO FUCKING HOT THAT IT GETS HER MAGICALLY GOD-PREGNANT. NINE MONTHS LATER, SHE LAYS A FUCKING MASSIVE EGG, AND HER FATHER BEGINS TO SUSPECT FOWL PLAY. PEOPLE DO NOT USUALLY LAY EGGS, SO SOMETHING MUST BE PRETTY FUCKING WRONG. AS IT HAPPENS, HE’S COMPLETELY FUCKING WRONG AND SHE HASN’T FUCKED A BIRD, BUT HE’S STILL PRETTY FUCKING PISSED OFF. 

THE KING TRIES TO COOK THE EGG, BUT IT WON’T FUCKING BREAK, SO INSTEAD HE THROWS IT OUT INTO THE WILDERNESS TO DIE. FORTUNATELY, THE EGG IS FOUND BY A BUNCH OF SMALL FLUFFY ANIMALS AND IS LOOKED AFTER BY ALL THE SPARKLY FLUFFY WOODLAND CREATURES UNTIL IT HATCHES. IT’S CHILD-FRIENDLY AND IDYLLIC AS FUCK. 

THE EGG HATCHES INTO A KID CALLED CUMONG. HE’S FUCKING SEXY AS HELL, AND ALSO COMPLETELY BATSHIT INSANE, BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A KID RAISED BY ADORABLE FUZZY WOODLAND ANIMALS? BADGERS AND HEDGEHOGS ARE FUCKING GREAT, BUT THEY AREN’T REALLY CAPABLE OF TEACHING HIM ANYTHING MORE USEFUL THAN HOW TO WRINKLE HIS NOSE AND LOOK HELLA FUCKING CUTE.

CUMONG GROWS UP WITHOUT BELIEVING HIMSELF TO BE A HEDGEHOG, AND THEN HE SETS OUT TO MURDER HIS EVIL GRANDFATHER. IN ORDER TO DO THAT, THOUGH, HE HAS TO LEARN ALL THE CRAZY AS FUCK MAGIC POWERS. IN THE SPACE OF A FEW YEARS, HE LEARNS HOW TO DRY UP WATER WITH A WHIP, HOW TO MOVE BETWEEN DIMENSIONS, HOW TO FLY, HOW TO KILL EVIL KINGS (CONVENIENTLY), AND ALSO HOW TO PLAY THE DRUMS REALLY FUCKING WELL. THEN HE GOES HOME AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF HIS EVIL GRANDFATHER, AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY AS FUCK. EXCEPT THE KING, BECAUSE HE’S FUCKING DEAD.

DEMIGODS KNOW WHAT AMERICA WANTS

THE ONE HOT WOMAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD IS LONELY AS FUCK. FORTUNATELY FOR HER, SHE’S HOT ENOUGH THAT ONE OF THE GODS COMES DOWN AND FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER. BEING A GOD, HE JUST FUCKS HER AND LEAVES, BUT THAT’S ALL YOU CAN HOPE FOR FROM A GOD REALLY.

NINE MONTHS LATER, SHE HAS FOUR DEMIGOD CHILDREN, EACH OF WHOM SET OFF TO DO GOOD THINGS FOR HUMANITY. WHAT A BUNCH OF MODEL FUCKING CITIZENS. THE ELDEST IS CALLED MICHABO, AND HE’S JUST GENERALLY A PRETTY FUCKING GREAT GUY. THE NEXT IS CHIBIABOS, AND HE TAKES CHARGE OF THE LAND OF THE DEAD AND ALL THE DEAD SHIT RELATING TO THAT. THE THIRD KID IS WABASSA, AND HE JUST FUCKS OFF AND TURNS INTO A RABBIT, BECAUSE HE’S FUCKING INSANE AND ALSO REALLY FUCKING LOVES BUNNIES. THE YOUNGEST IS CHOKANIPOK, AND HE’S A DICK. HE’S SO MUCH OF A DICK, IN FACT, THAT HIS BROTHERS (EXCEPT FOR WABASSA, BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING RABBIT) HACK HIM UP INTO SHITLOADS OF FUCKING TINY PIECES, AND TURN THEM INTO FLINT. THEN THEY TEAR OUT HIS BOWELS AND TURN THEM INTO PLANTS. HYGIENE IS OF NO FUCKING CONCERN TO THESE GUYS.

THEN MICHABO MAKES FOUR SPIRITS TO PROVIDE EVERYTHING THAT HUMANITY MIGHT EVER NEED. NAMELY: RAIN, SUN, SNOW, AND MELONS. BECAUSE MELONS ARE JUST THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT. MELONS AND RABBITS ARE CLEARLY AMONG THE MOST FUCKING VITAL ITEMS FOR LIFE. EITHER THAT OR MICHABO AND HIS BROTHERS ARE ALL REALLY FUCKING STUPID.