god im so upset with myself

I swear to God, guys (Response to the drama, specifically Jack's video. I'm so sorry for posting something this emotionally charged.)

This fucking P. D.P discourse is legitimately affecting my state of mind and my anxiety levels and I’m SICK OF IT. Im so fucking upset, and then I’m mad at myself for being upset about something that has nothing to do with me. But it’s been all over my dash for days, it’s smothering the JSE tag now, it’s hit basically a third of the channels I watch (including non gaming ones), it’s in the MSM and on twitter - it’s unavoidable and it’s infringing on my functioning online.

You know what? I used to subscribe to P. D. P. I was a subscriber for probably two years or so. And I wrote a post about this the day that fucking video came out, but it really disturbed me and made me feel really bad internally so I unsubbed that evening. There was some other stuff happening on the channel that was not to my tastes, and so it just came to a head that day. It sucked a little bit that day and then over the next couple of days as I unfollowed him on Twitter, Instagram, etc. It was a little sad to see someone with a lot of potential fall into what in my opinion seemed to be a downward spiral of ever increasing acting out, shock value, unhappiness, etc. Perhaps that was mostly my perception and not truth, but whatever. So be it. I figured that was the end of it and moved on. I didn’t watch anything else from him after that (until the apology video yesterday - don’t get me started on that).

And now here we are a month or two later and this is a bona-fide international scandal to the point that J. K. Rowling and my own mother have heard about it. Because the majority of my Tumblr network is JSE related, it’s consumed my dash. I have never enjoyed Mark’s videos (no hate, just not my style) and I no longer watch P, and yet because there’s a lot of crossover in the fandoms, both are in my face about this. And now even Jack, who usually tried to stay out of anything and everything political/drama/current events; Jack, the fucking kindest and most genuine person on the goddamn platform; Jack, the man we’ve seen grow into a mature and sensitive person who does shit like use gender neutral pronouns; Jack has felt compelled to make a video statement about it. This is absolute insanity.

You know what? What P did was fucking disgusting and inexcusable. There was no joke there, no prank. It was hate speech (whether intentional or not) and the exploitation of disadvantaged POC to spread that speech. The Wall St. J break of the story and coverage thereafter was unprofessional, meant to incite drama, and very clearly targeted. It was 100% fucked all around. I completely understand why Disney and YT did everything they could to distance themselves from him and this scandal and I think that it was not an unreasonable reaction. (Although I do feel terribly sorry for all the innocent bystanders whose work in making Scare P. Season 2 has been demolished as collateral damage.)

But now? Now the person whose statement has been, by far, the most even handed and reasonable (albeit imperfect) is getting hate? Idgaf what you think about the rest of this situation or the other people who’ve gotten involved, you cannot convince me that Jack is anything other than a good person, even if his friendship may be problematic in some people’s eyes. It’s one thing for fans or whatever to make their own statements and comments, that’s mostly fine unless it’s violent or excessively hateful. It is absolutely not okay for other online personalities to use their influence to try and send a swarm of hatred his way for simply expressing a relatively neutral opinion as a third party. Jack absolutely did not throw P under the bus, and he absolutely did not say or do anything to indicate support for the actions or beliefs of P or any hatefulness in Jack’s own heart.

I’m not trying to be some stan over here although I’m sure I’ll get written off as such. But I am SICKENED by the thought that Jack is getting torment for being calm, logical, and mostly unbiased. Was his statement perfect? Of course not; there’s no statement anyone has or will make about such a sensitive issue that could be perfect. But I think the vast majority of what he said was good.

He was clearly and explicitly disgusted by and condemnant of what P said and did. He agreed that consequences were fair and to be expected, and that P should not receive a pass or feel sorry for himself for getting blowback for doing something objectively shitty. He also acknowledged that the MSM screwed this up and went about their journalism in an arguably unprofessional and opportunistic fashion. He admitted that he was still friends with P on a personal level because P has been a support network for him on an individual basis and, whether right or wrong, he believes that P is not a deeply bad person. Fine. People are getting really upset by that and on one hand, I get why. But on the other hand, I do not believe that it is unreasonable or unforgivable for someone to care about a close friend or loved one who has done something(s) that are bad.

You know what? I’ve had friends with really shitty beliefs that I disagreed with, and yet we were for a long while, very deep friends with each other. Ultimately our differences force us apart, but that’s another story. My personal belief is that as long as someone does not actively and directly use their beliefs or actions to harm other people (I.e. Physically or verbally assaulting someone, actively provoking or encouraging attacks by themselves or others in person or online against someone or a group they dislike, joining hate groups, instructing others/raising children into hate, etc.) then there is hope for them and a fair chance to have some friendly relationships with them if you knew them before you knew about those bad things. It is human to be flawed and to sometimes be overcome by emotion over detached logic. It is normal to care about people who have made mistakes (or even intentionally done wrong). Mothers often love their children who have committed serious crimes. Siblings have stood on opposing side of the God damn civil war. This is not even if the same universe of a scale of severity. So in perspective, it really is not so bad for a friend to continue loving a friend who has made fucked up statements. It’s not even comparable to those other things. It’s nowhere near the abominable act people are making it out to be. For fuck’s sake, I hate what P did but I do not believe that he is the devil incarnate and people who care about him that have done NOTHING HATEFUL themselves should not be vilified by association.

Jack did not defend P’s actions. Period. The ‘worst’ thing he did was say he didn’t believe P was truly anti sem and believed in his promises to change. How is that something deserving of attack? How? Jack’s actions have, overwhelmingly, for a few years been highly ethical, highly considerate, primarily positive, and surprisingly sensitive to the feelings, beliefs, bodies, minds, and hearts of others. In the rare cases where he has done something distasteful, he has been earnest in apologizing and followed through on making amends and/or changes for the future.

Jack is a good human being - better than many I’ve ever known - and it absolutely fucking destroys me to see him treated as a pariah or seen as worthy of disdain merely because he said something that wasn’t 100% in the vein of either ‘P is a subhuman trash ball’ or ‘P did nothing wrong.’ How dare he have a complex opinion on it, right? Fuck thought and moderation, right? Just as with modern politics, it’s a fucking sin to be anywhere but on a polar end of a spectrum of opinion/beliefs. I cannot sit here and say nothing when seeing people malign him. I’m sure ha can defend himself and does not need my thoughts or support. Maybe he doesn’t even want that. But I needed to say it. This whole drama has turned into a snowball of awful and this was the straw that broke my back in regards to it all.

I have a constant fear in the back of my mind that things and people I care about will be lost, betray my trust, or turn out to be bad. Because I value Jack so much, he is one of the bigger fears I have in that domain - that he’ll do something awful or turn out to be shitty irl. That would break my heart. I believe in Jack more than I believe in a lot of other huge things. And I don’t think these fears will come true. But they might. Still, I WILL BE DAMNED TO HELL IF I DON’T FIGHT THAT KIND OF PORTRAYAL WHEN IT ISN’T TRUE.

Fuck that. I know this is overly dramatic and if Jack sees it he’ll probably think I’m a nut job and want me to stay as far away from his community as possible. But I just had to say this and get it off my chest. This whole situation has been upsetting for days, but seeing one of my idols get shit on for nothing is the worst damn part for me personally. Sorry if that’s not rational. I’m sorry if I’m too invested in it or if I’m too much of a fangirl. But fuck it.

So what are you gonna do when you’re the only who’s trying with your friendship? Like you’re always the one who tries to reach out and ask “how are you?”. Then after that conversation, they wont probably chat you until you said hi again.

Cause I feel bad for myself. I end up thinking “maybe they don’t want to be friends anymore.” So then, I stop trying. Then the friendship/closeness will end there.

Like its always like this. I am so stressed out I’m just giving it all to God. These friends are so important, I try so hard not lose them.

Is there something wrong with me?

Cause I am seeing that I’ll lose someone again soon. I hope I’m just paranoid and these are all my assumptions.

Anyways, thank you for listening.