god damn hes hilarious


I got a phobia, y’know. Ever since I got bit.
Yep. I’m done. What’s it matter? What’s the point?
Why me? I don’t wanna be the savior of the human race, I don’t wanna be the zombie messiah. I don’t wanna be shit.
I just wanna crawl up in a hole somewhere and die like everybody else.

What we do now is: we keep moving forward. Dr Merch she chose her fate. She chose to be afraid. She chose to die. But you and I, we will make  different choices. Keep building. Creating. Get the power back on. Plant food.

Live. Without fear.

so my brother sometimes talks in his sleep and he'll have a completely rational conversation until like the last few sentences and this just happened
  • brother: hey what's your sign
  • me: what are you talking about
  • brother: like what's your sign like a star sign or whatever
  • me:
  • brother: i know what mine is
  • me: okay
  • brother: stop
  • me: ?
  • brother: my sign is a stop sign
  • brother: because i need to stop

anonymous asked:

Klance with the classic fake date?

Warnings: makeout session but not too detailed
Thanks to @simon-basil for the suggestion of where to go with this.

Anyway, enjoy anon

It was lunchtime and Keith, Hunk, Pidge, Lance, Eleanor, and Michelle grabbed a picnic table outside. They were all friends since middle school and all of them were planning to try to get into the space program. Eleanor was short with dark brown hair down to her collar bone and eyes to match, with three freckles on each cheek. Michelle was much taller, blonde hair and blue eyed, with “hipster glasses” that framed her face well. Trees sat in front of them, school behind them, a soft, pleasant breeze blowing the hair from all their faces. It was still early fall in their junior year of high school, the leaves on the trees only just starting to change colors. Footsteps sounded behind them from a bit far off. “Keith, your 12 o'clock is coming.” Pidge warned. Keith visibly tensed. That was a code word for the girl who always bothered the group at lunch, mostly because of Keith. She was–well “in love” was the wrong term. More like “enamored” with Keith. The girl was kind, but just very stalkerish and creepy. She had memorized Keith’s entire class schedule and tried to get all her classes switched to be in his every class. She waited for him outside of his classes and was late to hers just to make sure he got to his alright. She had followed him after 4th period once and now she knew where he sat every day during lunch. Keith had had enough one day and told her he didn’t feel the same way she did but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. He’d tried everything to get her to leave him alone, but she didn’t get it. He was getting desperate. “Heyyyy Keith!” The girl’s voice sounded cheerful behind him as Keith shoved his salami sandwich in his mouth, slightly hoping it’d choke him. “Hi Hillary.” Keith mumbled around his food. Hunk flashed him a sympathetic look and Keith acknowledged it with a quick smile. “I got you something.” She dangled a box in her small hand over his head. “Oh what could it be?” Keith asked swallowing his food down. As if he didn’t already know. She had always given him the same thing. He took the small box from her and opened it. Inside was yet another pair of leather gloves like the ones he always wore. He had never used another pair in his life as the ones he wore were the only remaining reminder of his mother, and he refused to use any of the gloves Hilary had given her. They all looked the same, but somehow she’d know if he was wearing hers. “Do you like them?” She squeaked. Keith replied how he always did when this happened, with complete monotone. “Yeah…totally.” Keith had finally had enough of this. He didn’t want to tolerate it anymore. This was ridiculous. If the school didn’t do something, he had to. “Okay. I’m gonna go eat my lunch, see–” “Wait up Hilary.” Keith told her. She spun to face him, eager to listen. “Look, I’ve told you a thousand times that I don’t like you that way but you just don’t get it. So I’m gonna have to come right out and say it: I’m gay. Please leave me alone.” Hilary’s face was awestruck but she responded the only way she knew how. Angry and distraught. “You’re not gay! I’ve seen you! You like girls! If you like boys, if you’re really gay, prove it!” “I have a boyfriend.” Keith replied simply. You have a what now? He asked himself. “I don’t see him. Where is he?” Hilary retorted. “He’s around here somewhere.” “You’re lying.” Keith sighed. “If I prove to you that I have a boyfriend, will you leave me alone for good?” Hilary crossed her arms and glared at him. “Fine.” She answered him and stormed off. Keith sighed and sat back down to continue eating. “You’re gay Keith wow wouldn’t have known.” Eleanor said sarcastically. As if his friends hadn’t been told of his sexual orientation by now. “Shut up.” Keith laughed. “It was the only way to get her off my back.” “Well who’s your boyfriend?” Michelle asked. “I don’t have one.” “We know you idiot.” Pidge retorted. “But who are you gonna get to be your fake boyfriend? Unless you can get a boyfriend by tomorrow somehow.” Keith sighed heavily. Who would do that for him? He couldn’t ask the football team, or anyone on the tennis team. He was a giant nerd, no one popular would want to pretend to be his boyfriend. Then he remembered Hunk and Lance. “Would either of you guys do that?” Keith inquired of them. Hunk and Lance looked at each other before speaking. “Sorry Keith, you know you’re my bro but I like girls.” Hunk replied. “You know I’d do anything else for you, but I’m not at actor.” “I get it.” Keith told him. He turned to Lance, who Keith knew was bisexual. Even if lance wasn’t into Keith like that, he knew Lance could at least act like he was. “Absolutely not. I’m not gonna kiss you in front of this girl.” Lance growled. “You’re my friend sure but I’d never do anything like that with you sorry.” “Come on Lance!” Eleanor urged him. “It’s just for one day. And after tomorrow, Keith will owe you big time.” Lance pouted, thinking it over. “Fine, fine. I’ll do it. But for one day. That’s it. I’m doing it cuz I’m a great friend. And cuz Hilary is fucking annoying to me too.” Keith couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His face stretched into a wide smile. “Thank you Lance. I owe you big time.” “Yeah, yeah you do.” Secretly Lance had always had a small crush on Keith, but since they were good friends and it wasn’t big enough to really have a huge effect on Lance’s friendship with Keith, he had chosen to keep it to himself. He wouldn’t tell anyone, but he was happy to be dating someone, even if it was pretend. He craved intimacy with people, especially as a part of a couple. He looked nervous as he finished his food. He’d just have to see what happened tomorrow. *** Keith walked the halls that morning, afraid to see Hilary. Just as Hilary approached him, Keith felt a hand intertwine his fingers in theirs. He looked up to see Lance smiling at him broadly. “We gotta get to homeroom babe.” He told Keith loudly, obnoxiously loud so Hilary could clearly hear it. She let out a humph and headed off toward her own homeroom. Keith turned to Lance, his face slightly hot with nervousness. “Thanks.” “No problem.” Keith expected Lance to let go when Hilary could no longer see them but he kept holding his hand until they got to homeroom. He didn’t seem to care about the looks the people in the hallway gave them. Keith admired him for it and made a mental note to learn a few things from Lance today. They always went to the same homeroom but for some reason never walked there together. It felt nice to change things up. “I’ll meet you after 4th period.” Lance whispered to Keith as they sat down next to each other. “We’ll make it convincing.” Keith smiled. Lance knew Hilary was in his class and that she’d come running to Keith after 4th period and lance seemed to intend to be there first. “Got it. Thanks.” *** After 4th period, Lance met Keith at his locker. “You ready?” Lance asked. “For what?” “For–” That’s when Hilary came walking up. Lance’s eyes bulged out of his head in surprise and pulled Keith close to him by his jacket collar into a kiss. Keith’s eyes widened but he kissed back as he saw Hilary in the corner of his eye. Lance was surprisingly a good kisser. Keith’s first kiss was amazing. Lance and Keith pulled apart, Keith still blushing as Hilary came trotting up to them. Lance crossed his arms and flashed her a smirk. “So I hear you’ve been hitting on my man.” Lance said. God, how could he be so damn suave? Hilary looked from lance to Keith and back again. To Keith’s surprise, she sighed. “Fine. Guess you’re gay. Sorry for all I’ve put you through, I didn’t know.” “No hard feelings.” Keith heard himself say. As much as he wanted to hold a grudge, there was no need. Hilary forced a smile then walked away. “Lance!” Keith cried, smacking him on the shoulder and facing him. “You fucking saved me dude!” Lance grinned. “Glad I could help.” “Guess we can stop with this nonsense now huh?” Lance smiled. “Probably good idea to keep it going the rest of the day.” Keith smiled back. “I do owe you one. Wanna hang out after school? I’ll get you something.” “Sure, sounds like a plan.” After school lance and Keith went shopping. Lance got a nice fancy outfit out of Keith and Lance bought Keith some nice fancyish chocolates. Then they went back to Keith’s to play videos games and lance helped Keith make a quick dinner. Everything was like old times. It’d been a while since they’d hung out just the two of them. It was nice. Soon it got late though. “Aren’t your parents supposed to be back already?” Lance inquired. “It’s almost 10.” “Nah they’re doctors remember? They have another 12 hour shift.” “Oh okay.” “Plus it’s the weekend and–what?” Lance was looking at Keith a way he’d never looked at him before. “Lance? Are you okay? Are you sick?” Keith asked, suddenly scared. “Should I call an ambulance?” Lance laughed. “I’m fine, you idiot.” “Then what–” Lance gave him the look–the unmistakable, questioning if where this was going was okay look. The “I wanna kiss you real bad right now” look that Keith had only seen in movies. “Oh.” He said, understanding as lance pressed his lips to his, the way he did at school by his locker, except this time the kiss was more passionate, more needy, more intimate. Dispite himself, Keith groaned loudly as Lance moved to his neck and started sucking. He had never done this before with anyone, his sexual frustration was at an all-time high, and now he had someone to relieve him. He held lance closer into his chest, not wanting lance to leave him for a minute. “Lance.” He sighed out, enjoying himself. Lance smirked at him and continued, adding a few teeth. Keith was in ecstasy, calling out lance’s name as his pleasure built up. He rubbed his body against lance’s wanting to get more intimate but now was not the time. Lance finally left his neck and attacked his mouth with his, kissing him even more passionately, occasionally biting Keith’s bottom lip and pulling at it slightly. Keith couldn’t get enough of Lance. He’d never experienced anything like this before and he didn’t want it to end. Finally, panting, they both broke apart. When his breath was somewhat restored, Lance turned to face Keith. “Guess we really are dating now.” He teased, leaning over and giving Keith’s cheek a kiss. Keith beamed at Lance, his nerves still on fire from his touch. “Guess we are.” He replied.
  • Maxis: Stop the madness Edward; we were supposed to help the human condition, not destroy it!
  • Maxis: *Blows up the Earth*
  • Maxis: Listen to what I say and help me, with your help, we can heal the earth.
  • Maxis: *Tears a hole in reality and opens up the gateway to Agartha, destroying the Earth*
Sleep Talker (Bucky Barnes x Reader)


PROMPT?: “I get the whole sleep talking thing but what I don’t understand is the princess dragon dream and why I’m in it?” prompt with Steve or Bucky, omg I feel like their reactions would be hilarious, given the fact that they’re so serious all the time 😂

A/N: I’m writing this from the perspective of Buck having the dream because their reactions to your reaction? If that makes sense. Trust me, it will. I hope you like it darling! ♥

WARNINGS: sleep talking, walking, etc. fluff, extreme fluff, cursing, kissing

You stroked his hair on the way home, Wanda promptly passed out on the “retired” archer’s shoulder as he mouthed a silent conversation. There’s a knife in your leg, isn’t there? he mouthed. You tried your hardest to stop yourself from laughing, to keep the master assassin from waking but god damn, Clint was hilarious sometimes. Blink twice if you’re in danger. He muffled a snort and felt Wanda shuffle, panic crossing his eyes before she settled again. “Really, how do you have that much trust in him? For god’s sake, you’re petting him like a dog.” he snarkily whispered, leaning forward a bit to prove his sassy point. “Steve’s the meatball, Thor’s the cinnamon roll and Buck is the puppy. Clint, we’ve been through this-” you quietly grinned seeing Clint snigger as another voice entered the realm of silence and you stiffened. Tony was still flying, so why was there another voice? “Knight.. In shining armor. God damn right.” the small voice from your lap gruffed and you and Clint looked at each other with wide eyes. Clint stifled another snort and covered his mouth. Buck shuffled and moved his arms so that they were tightly wrapped around your leg and you grinned, fingers locked in his dark hair as he mumbled more comprehensive things, the occasional princess with your name being spoken.

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anonymous asked:

Jason the Toy Maker headcanons?

ugh one of my favorite bois

-he’s so god damn petty and high class it’s hilarious

- He’s one of those pastas everyone leaves alone, partly out of fear and partly because he’s almost as annoying as LJ

-Speaking of LJ, they hang out together and no one knows why, it’s clear they fucking hate each other

-if you go to Jason’s house, you better be on your best behavior, take your shoes off at the door, always say yes to tea, at please and thank you or you will receive a lecture about why humility and respect is amazing and why you are trash

- don’t insult his hair

- He has tea with Puppeteer every Thursday and every day they meet Jason passive-aggressively insults his fashion sense


Best of Dean                      Yellow Fever

This episode is just….too damn funny. Jensen is a fucking acting god I swear. He is just so damn hilarious and the way he plays Dean all paranoid is perfection. Why doesn’t he have an Emmy? idc because I know he is the best and if other people don’t recognize it, fuck ‘em it’s their loss. But yeah LOVE Dean in Yellow Fever (oh and the way that green shirt makes his eyes look….jfc)

another leek: (in performance invariably shown to be of monstrous size)

Footnote to Henry V, 5.1.57

(The line in question is Yes, verily, and in truth you shall take it, or I have another leek in my pocket which you shall eat.)