I was looking up international shipping on the USPS website when I saw this.
If anyone was wondering what happened to John Johnson Metaphysical Goalie after graduating Samwell, turns out he moved to Anywhere, CA and has been keeping up with his penpal Mirela in Bosnia-Herzegovina like any good plot device would 👍
Some things that happened in gym over the course of a few days
We started our soccer unit, and since we couldn’t go outside due to rain, we stayed inside and had a curtain thingy split the gym in half so the boys and girls were separated. We also didn’t have any goals so we used mats. Keep those in mind.
1. So in the middle of a game, this ball rolls into the girls side. Then this kid comes to get it, when the goalie kicks it to him, except it hit him IN THE FACE. And the best part is he JUST got back to school from having a concussion.
2. These girls were fighting over who was gonna be goalie, and I nearly shouted “JUST KISS ALREADY”
3. The mat fell onto the goalie. 3 times.
4. “I sprained my ankle in basketball earlier.” “It’s cuz of that dang phone”
5. In the locker rooms, a friend of mine was laying on the bench, and saying she was tired. So I try to wake her up by going to the sink, getting a handful of water, and dump it on her face.
6. 8 handballs in one game. I’m not even joking.
7. A goalie caught a soccer ball WITH HER THIGHS.
8. A loud chorus of fucking screeching coming from the guys side.
9. I was in the outfield for a bit, and saw the gym teacher tying some kids shoe on the other side of the curtain. No idea why. We’re in seventh grade, mind you.
10. Battle for the edge of the bench in the locker room. It’s always a fight for some reason.
11. Goalie did a handstand, and we all suggested she stay like that for the game, and simply kick the balls away. She didn’t, sadly.
12. Getting your period in gym is the worst thing that can happen I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy, and I am so sorry if it happened to you.
13. Got in trouble for not wearing “athletic pants”. TBH any things athletic clothes if you can work out in them.
14. “Alright so what you need to do is run out there like your running from…what are you afraid of?” “BOYS RUN FROM BOYS.” “I AM A BOY”
15. 5 minute jogs every single day, and every day I feel like my legs are gonna snap. I literally couldn’t breathe once after the jogs.
16. “You can speak up ya know” “it’s called social anxiety, look it up.”
17. A ball nearly got stuck in the rafters AGAIN. (Sidenote: fucking hell, SO MANY BALLS ARE STUCK UP THERE)
18. The water bottle flip challenge has gone too far. The speakers have water bottles on them. The caged clock has water bottles on it.
19. I was telling someone a joke, and I got called out to go in the field right as I began the punchline, so I just screamed it to them. Imagine starting a soccer game and just hearing someone screech “a cONDESENDING CON DESENDING”
Clues that Ransom and Holster have collected on Bitty’s secret boyfriend
It’s a guy (dhu)
He’s athletic (because Bitty likes them that way, refer to Ransom’s Excel sheet on dudes Bitty has dated, made out with, hooked with)
He’s tall and bigger than Bitty (that’s not hard, but Bitty has been seen wearing bigger shirts lately)
He’s an old Samwell student (Dex hard heard Bitty say “Oh honey, remember the Quad? They added new trees, they’re lovely-” over the phone)
He’s handsome and was featured in The Swallow’s most beautiful people (Overheard by Nursey- ”Well, is that award more important than your face on The Swallow’s list of most beautiful people? Because I KNOW your mom has it framed on your trophy shelf.”)
He’s an OLD MEMBER OF THE SMH TEAM OMG (BECAUSE ONE OF THE OVERSIZED SHIRTS BITTY WEARS TO SLEEP IS A RATTY SMH ONE OMG OMG OMG)
HE ACTUALLY LIVED IN THE HAUS WHAT IS THIS I CAN’T BREATHE (Overheard by Chowder- “Ransom and Holster are making the frogs work for dibs- not like you, love, you gave your dibs in a very noble way-” Chowder would not stop !!!! while handing that information)
HIS NAME STARTS WITH A J (AS SEEN ON BITTY’S PHONE NEXT TO AT LEAST THREE HEART EMOJIS OMG OMG OMG)
Ergo: Bitty’s secret Boyfriend is John Johnson the Goalie.
Holster doesn’t know what to do after graduation. He’s mulling over his options on his computer during a get together with the team and some of the graduated players.
"Hey, the fire station in town runs courses on becoming a firefighter. Doesn’t that sound cool, Rans?“
Johnson, faster than anyone’s ever seen him move, darts to Holster’s side, slams his laptop shut, looks Holster deep in the eyes, and very dangerously, quietly whispers, "No.”
Holster never suggests it again.
So, I’ve seen a lot of headcanon/fic for Bitty being the one to join Jack in the NHL, but may I also put forward:
NHL Goalie Chris “Chowder” Chow
my thoughts include:
the fact that as a freshmen Chowder played for a highly ranked NCAA team and then took them all the way to the final game. as a freshmen.
the fact that Chowder is this adorable, loveable puppy who does splits for fun on command but then gets into the net and turns super freakin’ terrifying and–
Look, no one really expects it. Like, the Samwell Men’s Hockey team knows that Chowder is good, knows that by the time he is a senior, Chowder does have 19 shut-outs and the team is working hard to get him the big 2-0, but no one puts it together that the college record is 26 and holy hell, has anyone bothered to calculate his save percentage?
Chowder is just so thrilled for everyone else and never talks about himself and he doesn’t do press (the one time they’d tried to have him do press, he had rambled even worse than Bitty used to about how swawesome everyone else was) and a part of all this is that the team loves Chowder for Chowder, not because he is an incredible goalie.
All this to say that when NHL scouts start turning up at their games Chowder’s senior year, there is a bit of confusion. The Samwell Men’s Hockey team is good but they are good because they have a lot of solid players who work hard and connect on and off the ice, not necessarily anyone that’s a superstar. Unless maybe they are trying to snipe Whiskey early??
So, finally, Tango just goes up and asks one of the scouts who they are here to see (seen as a bit taboo but when has Tango ever let that stop him) and– “Your goalie, obviously. Chris Chow. Do you think he’s available to chat after the game?”
When Chowder calls Jack to ask for advice (he honestly has no idea what these numbers even mean on these contracts and Murray and Hall had agreed to be in the room when people talked to him to help him out but he still needs more help. he needs all the help.), Jack answers and then instantly says, “Hold on, let me get Bitty- he’s in the middle of vlogging, that’s why his phone is off” and “No wait!” Chowder squeaks. “I was actually hoping you could help me? I mean, if you have time? If not that’s totally fine, I know you’re–”
Let’s fast forward and imagine Jack Zimmermann and Chris Chowder’s first game against each other. (Because obviously Chowder is given the opportunity to play for the Sharks and he literally dies with excitement and, even after all Jack’s advice, signs with them pretty much right away). People are talking about the match-up, a few reporters noting that they were old teammates, someone gets a hold of the fact that Zimmermann left Chowder his room and someone else finds Chowder appearing on Bitty’s vlog so it’s a bit of a story.
And, at this point, Jack Zimmermann has played against friends before and he’s used to the slight nod of recognition before games and so it is a bit jarring when Chowder, sweet, sweet Chowder, doesn’t spare him so much as a glance. (If he’s being completely honest, it throws him, because yes he remembers Chowder being a terror in the net but he’s not in the net yet and still his eyes slide right past Jack during warmups! Maybe he doesn’t realize he is playing the Falconers?)
(Meanwhile, Bitty is in the stands just like… dying. He wants Jack to win. He wants Chowder to get a shut-out. He does not think he could handle a shoot-out. He has Jack’s jersey on but is also wearing a Sharks hat. He feels sick. He hates every part of his life that has led him to this agonizing moment where he has to chose between his boyfriend and his Chowder and maybe it could end in a tie? Just this once?)
The Falconers win 3-1 (look, they are the Stanley Cup champions) but Chowder has some sick saves and for the first time in his life, Jack feels a little guilty about scoring and so as the game ends, he sort of… hovers on the ice, lingering and sneaking glances at Chowder to make sure he’s okay because, good lord, Bitty is not going to forgive him if he hurt Chowder and–
He ends up getting tackled from behind. One moment he is looking over his shoulder and telling his teammates he’ll be right with them, the next he has a goalie in his arms and he’s grinning before he realizes it and– “God, Jack, that second goal was awesome! It was just like you used to do in practice- I should have remembered! Except I think you got even faster!! Though I’m glad I got that other one, 4 to 1 would have been embarrassing, and did Bitty tell you I got a later flight out so I could come to dinner!! Imagine, dinner with a Stanley Cup Winner!! I am so excited and Bitty promised to make pie and, man, do I miss those pies and–”
Jack grins and laughs and the two skate over to Bitty, who is smiling and crying and trips over himself trying to congratulate Jack while also consoling Chowder while also yelling at Jack for scoring on Chowder and it’s all a happy, happy mess.
Tobin’s highschool coach said in one game they were up by a lot, so he decided to put tobin in goal to neutralize her skill. he said the ball was passed back to her and he thought she would just pick it up, but instead she dribbled it past the other teams forward line up to midfield. He then subbed her out of the game saying the other teams coach was shooting daggers and glaring at him