gnu greatest er nurse in the universe

FurthER Adventures of The GNU: Tree-on-Tinkerbell Violence
  • Greatest Nurse in the Universe: So how did you hurt your finger, little miss?
  • 6-year old girl with dislocated finger: I ran into a tree.
  • GNU: Oh my. What happened?
  • Patient: I was sticking my arms out like this -- (holds arms out to sides like an airplane)
  • GNU: Were you pretending to be an airplane?
  • Patient: (suddenly shy) Nooo.
  • GNU: A butterfly?
  • Patient: (quieter) nooo.
  • GNU: Well, I give up, what were you doing?
  • Patient: Well -- (sudden rush of words as she divulges her secret) -- I was being a fairy, and I was flying home, and the tree swatted me!
  • GNU: Oh my! I've never met a fairy before!
FurthER Adventures of The GNU: She's My Heroine
  • Greatest ER Nurse in the Universe: Sir. SIR. Please stop yelling and tell me what medication allergies you have.
  • 30-something combative drunk: TAKE THESE HANDCUFFS OFF ME!
  • GNU: Can't do that. Are you allergic to anything?
  • Drunk: KLONOPIN, PROZAC, XANAX!
  • GNU: Anything else?
  • Drunk: NOPE! And I'm ~DEFINITELY~ not allergic to HEROIN!
  • GNU *wrapping tourniquet around patient's arm, preparing to draw blood*: Ok.
  • Drunk: WAIT WAIT WAIT IS THAT A SHOT? IS THAT HEROIN? I WAS JUST KIDDING! I'M ALLERGIC TO HEROIN!
  • GNU: I'm just drawing some blood, sir. Hold still.
  • Drunk: NO NO NO NOT THE HEROIN NOOOOOOO!
FurthER Adventures of The GNU: Little Miss Smarty-Pants
  • Greatest ER Nurse in the Universe: Brady, I need to put this on your finger. *applies pulse oximeter clip to child's fingertip*
  • 6-year-old Brady, chief complaint "eye pain": WHY? WHAT DOES IT DO?
  • GNU: This tells me your oxygen level and measures your heartbeats.
  • Brady: BUT MOM, MY HEART ISN'T IN MY FINGER, IT'S IN HERE! *points to chest*
  • Mom: Just let the nurse do her job, sweetie.
  • GNU *shifting clip to child's earlobe*: Hmm, it's having trouble getting a good signal on your finger.
  • Brady: WELL THAT'S BECAUSE MY HEART ISN'T IN MY FINGER! AND IT'S NOT IN MY EAR EITHER!
  • Mom: Brady, calm down.
  • Brady: BUT SHE'S LOOKING IN THE WRONG PLACES, MOM! SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING! LET'S GO HOME!
  • GNU *chuckling*: Look, Brady, see the machine? It's counting your heartbeats now from the pulse in your ear. But you're right, your heart *is* in your chest. You must be a very smart girl.
  • Mom *muttering*: Not *that* smart. The reason we're here is because she poked herself in the eye with her toothbrush.
FurthER Adventures of the GNU: Numb and Number
  • Greatest ER Nurse in the Universe *watching teenaged boy walk calmly into the triage area*: So why did you come in to the ER today?
  • Boy: I hurt my foot playing with my dog.
  • Mother *hovering over him*: HE CAN'T EVEN WALK ON IT!
  • GNU: So it is painful?
  • Boy: Nah, it's all numb and stuff.
  • Mother: NOW BE HONEST TONY, JUST BECAUSE IT'S NUMB DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T HURT!
  • GNU: I can tell we're all gonna have fun tonight.
FurthER (well it's about time!) Adventures of The GNU: Oooh, Awkward.
  • Wife of man with end-stage cancer and hemoptysis (coughing-up-blood): See, his clothes are all spattered with blood!
  • Patient: *futilely wiping at blood with paper towel*
  • Wife *hands a hospital-grade sanitizing wipe from the sink area and hands it to the patient*
  • Greatest ER Nurse in the Universe: Oh, please don't touch those wipes without wearing gloves, sir! They are very strong and can cause cance.....Er. Sorry. I, uh...
  • Patient *sad grin*: It's a bit late for that precaution, I think.
FurthER Adventures of The GNU: This patient goes on the naughty list
  • Greatest ER Nurse in the Universe: Ok, ma'am, the doctor wants me to fit you with a knee immobilizer. So I'm going to be strapping these 3 poles into place around your leg using this velcro device.
  • Patient: Ok.
  • GNU: (applying medial/in-seam pole, which runs all the way up into the patient's inguinal crease/crotch) Sorry, I know it's awkward to have this pole right there.
  • Patient: Oh well, I did ask Santa for a pole between my legs this Christmas, but this wasn't what I had in mind.
  • GNU: Guess you need to be more specific next year!
FurthER Adventures of the GNU: And YOU used to complain when your folks made you take out the trash...?
  • GNU: So Bobby, did you miss school to come to the ER today with your folks?
  • 9-year-old Bobby: No, I go to school at home.
  • GNU: Oh neat! Do you like it?
  • Bobby: It's ok.
  • GNU: I think home-schooling is pretty cool, you can really get a good education, and --
  • Mother *interrupts*: No, we just home-school him because his dad is in a wheel-chair, so Bobby can help his dad wipe after going to the bathroom while I'm at work.
  • GNU: ...Oh.
FurthER Adventures of The GNU: I Dream of Geniuses
  • Greatest Nurse in the Universe: Ok, hold on a moment, I need all of you family members to just calm down for a bit. Could *ONE* of you please tell me why you brought great-grandma into the ER today?
  • Frantic Family Member #1: She's having hallucinations --
  • Frantic Family Member #2: --but only when she's asleep!
  • GNU: (blank stare)
  • Family #1: Yes, she starts moving her lips --
  • Family #2: -- and sometimes she even talks!
  • GNU: Oh, I've heard of this before -- it's called "dreaming".
  • Family #1: BUT SHE'S NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE!
  • GNU: Really? Your 94-year-old relative has *never* dreamed before?
  • Family #2: Never!
  • GNU: How do you know? Did you ask her?
  • Family #1: Well of COURSE we asked her --
  • Family #2: -- but she was asleep, so she didn't respond.
  • GNU: (pinching self in hopes that THIS is a dream)
FurthER Adventures of The GNU: Work it!
  • The Greatest Nurse in the Universe: So how did you end up with hip pain, ma'am?
  • Elderly patient: Oh me and my walker, we got into a rumble.
  • GNU: Huh?
  • Patient: We took a fall in the hallway while I was walkin' around.
  • GNU: Were you feeling dizzy or lightheaded?
  • Patient: Oh nooooo.
  • GNU: Did you trip over something, then?
  • Patient: Oh nooooo, sweet child! We were just trying to show off my fast walking skills to the new home care nurse.
  • GNU: Uh-oh.
  • Patient: Hey, it was a man nurse!
  • GNU: Oh, well that's understandable then.
Adventures of The GNU: "I'm too sexy for this ER"
  • Nurse GNU: What brings you to the ER today, sir?
  • Patient: I'm heartbroken and I have discharge.
  • GNU: Excuse me?
  • Patient: My lover, girl, partner, whatever -- she's been stepping out on me, and now I have discharge.
  • GNU: Ok, please change into this gown and...
  • Patient: I'm too beautiful for this!
  • GNU: Um...
  • Patient: I'm too beautiful for someone to be cheating on me!
  • GNU: Ah. Yes. Here's your gown, sir.
  • -------
  • GNU: Ok sir, be sure you take the medication that the doctor prescribed for the infection, and we'll call you with the results of the STD test in a day or two.
  • Patient: Hey, nurse, it's a good thing you have my phone number, since I'm clean and unattached now. *wink wink*
  • GNU: Not gonna happen, sir.
FurthER Adventures of The GNU: Aw, that's so sweet.
  • Greatest Nurse in the Universe: Sir? Sir? Can you tell us your social security number please? SIR?
  • Incoherent 70-something African-American male patient (in process of trying to remove his own clothes): It's 7... and a 36... and X Y Z...
  • GNU: This isn't Sesame Street, sir. Can you tell me your social security number please?
  • Patient: It's... oh... hmmm... HUMMMM (voice suddenly gets deep and sultry) OH YEAH, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, GIRL.
  • GNU: No, I don't know how it is. Are you diabetic, sir?
  • Patient: OHHHH GIRL.... YEAHHHH... IT HURTS, BABY BABY, BUT IT FEELS SO GOOOOOOD TOO...
  • GNU (poking patient's finger in order to check his blood sugar): What are you talking about, Barry?
  • Patient: OH YOU KNOW, GIRRRRL... SEX AND YOOOOOOGA!
  • GNU: No, I don't know, Barry.
  • Patient: AWWW BABY, YOU GOTTA KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW ALLLLLL ABOUT SEX AND YOGA!
  • GNU (watching the "Too High to Measure" sign flash on the glucometer, chuckles): Oh, yes, of course Barry, I must've seen you at the gym last week.
  • Patient (starting to slump over in his seat): UHHHhhhhhh.... I told ya, baby... uhhh...
  • GNU (reaching for the insulin): Sleep well, Barry. I'M GONNA NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!
FurthER Adventures of The GNU: Not(e) permitted.
  • Greatest ER Nurse in the Universe: So you want an excuse note for work for yesterday, sir?
  • Patient: Yeah, cuz I was in the ER yesterday and forgot to get one.
  • GNU: Um, I can't find any record that you were in our ER yesterday. Or EVER before, actually.
  • Patient: Oh, no, not THIS ER. I was traveling, and I went to an ER in another state yesterday. But I forgot to get a work note, so I figured I'd just swing by and get one from you guys.
  • GNU: It doesn't work that way, sir. If we didn't see you as a patient, we can't write you an excuse note.
  • Patient: But -- but I saw an EMERGENCY ROOM doctor!
  • GNU: In some other state and/or hospital that doesn't share our medical records system.
  • Patient: Well, couldn't you call that ER and verify my story?
  • GNU: Couldn't YOU just call that ER and ask them to send an excuse note to your work, rather than wasting your time and mine in this pointless argument?
  • Patient: Man, the service SUCKS around here. *stomps out*
  • GNU: Y'all come back now, ya hear?
This is how my day started: Allergy list of my first pt today = “Yellow canary, electromagnetic fields, petrochemicals, radio waves, carbon based chemicals”…. Chief Complaint = “Here for possible allergic reaction and rash”… (Our ER is next to a tv/radio station; maybe she got the rash on the way in?) Man was she CRAZY!
—  A recent text from The GNU, my ER nurse friend. (Yep, it’s been a full moon lately.)
FurthER Adventures of The GNU: Not as think as you drunk I am.
  • Greatest Nurse in the Universe: Do you drink every day, sir?
  • Totally sloshed ER patient: Noooo. Whaddaya think I'm shome kinda drunk or shomething?
  • GNU: Well it's 9 am on a Friday and here you are. So how often DO you drink, sir?
  • Patient: Effery OTHER day, har har har!
  • GNU: *cracking a smile* Have you had any surgeries before?
  • Patient: None that I hadta come to the hoshpital for, har har har!
  • GNU: *can't help but chuckle* Yes, sir. Hardy har har.