glass creamer

richie as things ive done

-maxed out my phone storage because i saved too many pictures of flags after deciding that i was going to text exclusively in semaphore

-walked up a 2-story railing because i was bored and then did it again because the first time my friend didnt get pictures

-crawled underneath a train because i dropped my flip flop

-spent too much money on thrift store knick knacks with cursed energy (puppets, garden gnomes, ceramic figurines, other peoples’ family photos, etc)

-spent too much money on awful thrift store clothes

-made a valiant attempt to bring silly bandz back

-ate over 100 rolls of smarties in a 48-hour period

-ignored the fact that i had the flu or something for a week. just genuinely did not realize until someone pointed it out

-locked myself in a school bathroom stall with my friends so i could draw sunglasses on her nipples with expo marker

-got in trouble for holding a baby doll like a real baby in english class

-filled said baby with chocolate milk and barbecue sauce “to feed it” and punted it across the bathroom

-bought my friend a custom life-sized body pillow of her fav actor for her birthday and hid it in her locker for a terrifying morning surprise

-bought a ball gag at goodwill

-gave a chemistry presentation to my entire class and forgot to remove the slide with a picture of a frog with a speech bubble that said “hnnng… i need… your spit”

-ate a lock of wig hair for a video that we were filming

-accidentally yelled “FUCK” in french class as soon as the room had gone silent

-kept loose cheese puffs in my desk drawer

-kept a dixie cup of chocolate chips in my desk drawer

-accidentally came into possession of 78 decorative gourds and didnt know where to put them so i left them in the top of my locker and they rotted

-got in trouble in sixth grade on valentines day for giving a boy a small potato instead of a paper valentine

-tried to wriggle my body through a saint patrick’s day wreath at a thrift store and got very, very, very stuck

-was the ringbearer for a wedding and said “oh, swag” on reflex when i dropped the rings

-challenged myself to write all my in-class essays so that they could be read to the tune of ‘two trucks’ and no one ever found out

-brought pot brownies to an anime convention

-stayed up for days on end until i was so tired that i fell asleep while writing an in-class essay and kept writing gibberish while fully asleep

-got an a in a class where i literally never turned in the homework

-changed my text tone to an audio recording of my best friend saying something embarrassing

-went through a phase where i would write several pages of notes on one page in different colors until it looked like just horrible scribbles “to save paper”

-bought parchment and a quill pen on amazon and used them to take notes

-had to leave a party early but i was eating fishsticks and i wasnt done so i put them all in my coat pocket

-kept loose dumplings in my hoodie pocket

-wore a fanny pack with a speaker in it and blasted ‘two trucks’ and also used the fanny pack to carry a bag of gummi worms and give them to people when they were upset that i called ‘emotional support worms’

-bought a whole-ass rocking horse and then took it home on the bus

-drank monster energy out of my parents’ wedding-gift wine glasses

-babysat some kids and helped them turn the entire first floor of their house into a fort for a brutal nerf gun war

-started a black market in third grade where the primary trade was colored pencils and cap erasers

-made direct eye contact with my teacher and said ‘because i am a dumbass’ when asked why i didnt have the homework

-went to a burger place where the workers yell out the order numbers and when they yelled “69!” muscle memory took over and i yelled back “NICE”

-tried to convince my friend to chug a glass of dairy free creamer until i got tired of waiting and grabbed it out of her hands and chugged it myself

-bought an animatronic bear at a thrift store and spent an hour trying to pry open the battery case to discover that it sings When I’m 64. like the whole song all the way through

-got lost in best buy for two hours and ended up leaving with a Dory backpack that was on sale

-kept a headless antique mannequin in my room at the foot of my bed to train myself out of feeling fear

-in fifth grade i attempted to physically fight another fifth grader over our minecraft fanfiction

-skipped swimming class for an entire trimester and somehow faced no repercussions

-stole a girl’s hair out of her hairbrush in fourth grade and used it for crafts

-pinned my friend to the floor and rubbed a gluestick on her face i don’t remember why

-got my friends to pool all our money at sky high so we could put cotton eyed joe into the jukebox as many times as possible

-started an uprising against our lunchtime therapist in fourth grade by convincing all of my friends to make warriors ocs with me instead of participating in the activities (this culminated in the four of us getting kicked out of lunchtime therapy)

-made my first friend in high school because she saw me secretly eating twizzlers out of my sleeve in english class

-found loose jelly beans in my school bag and ate them without question