so my mother has always had kind of a
weird thing about meryl streep:
“there’s just something i don’t like about her.” “there’s just
something about her face that doesn’t appeal to me.” that kind of thing.
meanwhile i’ve never heard my dad mention meryl streep at all.
last night my dad called for help with
his computer. i literally told him to turn it off and turn it back on again and
he was not even a little bit offended. “what a good idea! i’m so glad I
called you!” anyway while we were waiting for his computer to boot up
again, i brought up donald trump. trump has really bonded me and my dad
politically so i figured we were gonna get into the press conference, the
russia hacking…I was ready.
my dad: did you see what he said about
me: yeah…hey, isn’t it wild how trump’s
press secretary was gonna eject that cnn guy from the conference?
my dad: he said she was overrated.
my dad: now i don’t know how you feel
about meryl streep… [dramatic pause for me to share my feelings about meryl
streep; i have none]…but i think she is the greatest actress alive.
my dad: …and he called her overrated!
first of all, he’s wrong, second of all, how childish! the behavior of a toddler!
me [trying to find common ground]: he’s
always like that. remember when hillary called him putin’s puppet in the debate
and he was like, you’re the puppet?
my dad: this is worse because it’s a
non sequitur! what does her acting have to do with it? which, by the way, is
superlative. her acting is superlative.
me [internally]:OMG MY FATHER IS A
MERYL STREEP FANBOY THIS IS WHY MY MOTHER HAS HATED MERYL STREEP HER WHOLE
LIFE!!! MY PARENTS ARE HUMAN BEINGS IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
me [out loud]: ok, is your computer back on now?
my dad: have you seen sophie’s choice?
as it turned out, restarting the
computer solved one of his problems, but i was then unable to successfully talk
him through how to copy a document to a folder or save it to a flash drive.
“okay, what happens when you right click?” “i don’t know.”
Don’t push meow~ Meowies need pat pat! …God. Hahahahaha! Sorry meow. No, I mean, I’m sorry… I guess I was just super stressed. The Cat God just possessed me there for a sec.
MC: Woof woof woof woof!
Argh! Dog God! I’d like to talk but my Cat God didn’t like your Dog God so left at the first woof. Why don’t cats like dogs? Dogs seem to like cats… Hmm… Not really curious actually! Oh! A spy who’s dressed up like a woman is staring at me! I have to hang up! Beep beep beep, your call has ended. I mean it. Press the end button. Even if you continue listening, you cannot talk with me. If you like Seven that much just continue to listen.
Oh… Oh, oh come on! You’re embarrassing me~! Don’t joke around. I’m really gonna hang up now! So, uhm, yeah… Good night.
Im sorry I was gone for so long, But im back and I hop you guys like this part ;)
Your head felt heavy all of a sudden, what was Dan saying,
what did this mean. You didn’t know for a second if he was joking or if he was
for real; what was he trying to say.
You sat up in bed and very slowly came to your senses, and called Dan. He
picked up on the 2nd ring.
“Oh my God (Y/N), I’m so glad you called back.” he sounded so out of breath.
You took in a deep breath, calmed yourself down and said, “Dan, tell me what
He seemed like he was about to cry, and he practically sobbed out, “I fucked up
didn’t I? I didn’t wear a condom, or pull out and I just remembered and I am so
This was it; this was exactly what you were trying to avoid all along, this
You spoke very slowly, “Daniel, I am on the pill.”
And with that you hung up the phone.
You were wrong for thinking he was different or better, he
was such an irresponsible child. And you were going to college in a few months;
you just remembered that you don’t need this in your life.
You calmed your frayed nerves and walked to the bathroom, trying to block out
this joke of a fling you had had with Dan.
It was over. It had to be over.
It’s been a week since you hung up on Dan and his pregnancy
scare, since then you had blocked his number and had successfully avoided him
by not leaving your house.
But your heart felt heavy, oh he was such a nice boy and he thought he loved
you, and you couldn’t deal with the idea of being in a relationship, and not
with him anyways.
You unblocked him right then because you felt like your heart
was sinking to the bottom of your being.
And there were 48 missed calls and 34 text messages.
*I am so sorry* *please forgive me, you aren’t on the pill, everything is fine?* *please pick up the phone!* *Im so sorry (Y/N), please talk to me.* *why aren’t you replying?* *please call me.* *damn it (Y/N)!* *Im sorry* *Im sorry, I love you (Y/N)!*
Your head hurt and you could already feel it was going to be
a long day.
How were you going to explain it to Dan that you couldn’t be with him because
he was falling in love with someone who couldn’t be in a relationship? It
wasn’t even the pregnancy thing anymore, which was okay. It wasn’t the first
scare you had gotten. This wasn’t the plan, and you weren’t ready for a
relationship and not with Dan anyways. Yea, he was great in bed and he was an
okay guy, but he wasn’t “the one” and he couldn’t be. You were both far too
different. All these thoughts went through your head as you packed your bag for
the day since you had a few errands to run and had promised your friend you
would help her with some homework.
You went down to the kitchen to find your mom on the phone,
you quietly made some tea, put it in your travel-mug and were about to go out
when your mother took the phone off her ear and said, “Honey, there is someone
outside for you. Said he needed to talk, I offered to wake you up but he
insisted I don’t. Nice boy that one.” You just stood there frozen.
Could it really be that Dan Howell was at your house? You had hoped he would give up.
Oh my god it was going to be harder than you had anticipated, he was going to
be a stubborn asshole.
You basically sprinted to the window to see if he was still there, and there he
was leaning against the porch railing, on his phone. The afternoon sun was on
his face and he looked like something out of a 60s love song. He had his
letterman jacket on the floor by his feet, along with his book bag. You quietly
stood there a while, contemplating what you were going to say to him. Oh this
boy looked like heaven, sure tasted like it too. The thought made you blush.
But no, it was over; it had to be.
You stepped outside calmly and closed the door behind you
and like an over eager, yet apologetic puppy he was all over you.
“(Y/N), I’m so sorry, what did I did was so irresponsible
and I miss you, please talk to me baby.”
The desperation came off him like cologne, so did the
sadness. This felt so wrong, seeing him so alone and he looked so forlorn.
You felt so surrounded by him, in that moment. You just placed a hand on his
chest which backed him off and he calmed down a bit. Very slowly you said, “I
am going downtown, would you like to come along. We can talk about this in the
car.” Looking into his brown eyes, which were so worried and red and puffy; you
felt your heart lurch. He immediately nodded his head and walked behind you to
You got in the driver’s seat and he sat beside you. As you guys got the road,
still quiet; he had his head hanging down and his hands on his face. You just
very quietly asked, “What’s wrong Dan?”
And he looked at you as if your question was bewildering beyond measure. “What
do you mean ‘what’s wrong Dan?’ I miss you so much, I messed up big time. I
don’t want to lose you; are you done with me, with us? Please”
He had tears in his eyes, and you felt your heart breaking
into a million pieces, oh fuck, he was in love with you, or at least he thought
he was. This was not good, not good at all.
You looked at his broken face for a few moments and got your
eyes on the road again. You could feel his piercing broken stare looking into
you, anticipating a response.
“Dan”, you said breaking your response into syllables, “it’s not the pregnancy
scare.” He let out a small sigh of relief, his body loosened up a bit. You could
feel it. You continued, “I am sorry, but I just can’t do this. We aren’t a
couple Dan, we aren’t ‘together’”. You made tiny air quotations, trying to
avoid his gaze.
You could still feel him looking at you, and you didn’t have the balls to look
back at him. Oh fuck was this even the right thing to do?
He stayed really quiet for too long and you could feel the
silence stretch like a canyon between you both. You reached the store and
parked the car and looked over at him finally. And his face looked like
something out of a hell scene, he looked devastated and broken and you put your
hand on his shoulder.
He recoiled from your touch like it was poison, and he looked at your face like
you had just stabbed him. He kept looking at you for a few seconds still his
eyes filled with hate, then in a moment as if something had washed over him;
his face became stone, cool calm and unfeeling. He looked like the cocky
asshole roaming the hallways again. And he very slowly reached for your hand
and put it down in between you both. You were surprised and didn’t know how to
With your hand still in his he leaned over and kissed your cheek; a very chaste
And with that he opened the car door and stepped outside the
car and started walking to the bus stop. You sat there very still watching him
leave. Something in your heart missed him already. But you knew before, this
was nothing more. But your heart was in your throat and you felt as if he had
left his in the passenger seat of your car.
You got out and as you locked the car you saw his jacket in
the back seat, and you looked over to see if he was still at the bus stop, and
he was. You almost called to him, to give it back. But something stopped you.
High school AU where Dean finds a diary, and it just so happens to contain his name - and details of the mystery writer’s intense crush on him. But Dean’s also got a crush… it’s too much to hope for that the diarist is Castiel, right?
I think I’m a ghost. No one ever seems to see me at all.
Dean frowned, staring down at the first page of the book that he’d found on top of the lockers, pushed back out of sight. He’d never have found it at all, if Sam hadn’t taken his Physics textbook and hidden it up there, just to show off that he was taller than Dean now.
I don’t talk to anyone and no one talks to me. It’s not that they don’t like me, it’s that they don’t seem to see me at all. I swear I really am a ghost.
Dean stopped reading, frowning. Was this supposed to be an actual diary, or some kind of story? He checked the front cover of the book for a name, a clue to whom it might belong - but found nothing. He opened it up again.
One day, I think I’m just going to stand up and walk right out of class. And no one will even look up. I’m going to walk out of class and never come back and not one person at this school will miss me. And I won’t miss any of them, either. Except…
Dean leaned back against his locker and flipped the page, his attention caught. He wondered briefly whether he should stop reading - but then he got a glimpse of the next few words, and his curiosity escalated out of control.
… there is one boy. Dean Winchester, his name is Dean Winchester.
since the year is nearly up i thought it was time for another follow forever!! i love all of you honestly, you’ve all made my time here so amazing!!
thank all of you for making me feel so welcome here and im so happy that i spoke to any of you this year whether it be in groupchats or anything!! i enjoyed getting to know all of you and im so glad i could call you a friend :)
Holy crap, remember how I was talking about my experience with trying to get Hormone Therapy from Planned Parenthood? How it took one phone call, one appointment, and they said they’d call me when my blood work was done and send out the prescription as soon as it was done in 3-5 business days? Well they haven’t balled me and it’s been like,,, two? Ish? Weeks since my appointment and I was like “oh no, here’s the hard part..”
Just called them again.
“Yes! Hello sir, I’m glad you called. it looks like it was reported that your phone was giving them technical difficulties. They tried to leave messages telling you that your prescription was sent out to your local pharmacy! Walk in any time, it’s been ready for a week.”
YOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS THE BEST NEWS IVE GOTTEN ALL WEEK
this user is glad you're calling out straight people for their homophobic bullshit, even if 99% of them miss the point entirely and get caught up in some weird oppression fantasy like the babies they are
Melika: “ Thank you for coming with me, Ethan, I was so bored at home and I heard there’s Christmas fair with ice skating rink. There’s nothing quite like the atmosphere of a Christmas market to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside ugh, you know?!
I’m glad that you called me and I’m also happy that you’re feeling better”
Melika: “ Mhm, please, let’s not talk about it..
let’s rent some skates, and get out on the ice!
Melika: “ When are you going to join?”
Ethan: “ After I finish my cigaretteand don’t be such a tease, stop touching me with your eyes
Melika: “ What are you talking about? a tease?! me?! haha, no way!”
Melika: “ Oh my, how is it possible to fall like that?! you’re so clumsy, let me help you”
Ethan: *grabs her hand and pulls her closer to him*
Melika: “ W-what are you doing, Ethan?!”
Ethan: “ I wanted to see your eyes.. you’re a mess of gorgeous chaos and I can see it in your eyes. You are a soft, messy thing
doesn’t deserve you!”
“Hello, Elizabeth,” she heard Roy saying close to her ear.
tried not to laugh and simply smiled. She had to take this seriously.
“Oh, hi, Roy. I’m so glad you called. I was wondering when I’d get to
hear from you.”
“I’m sorry, I’ve been terribly busy at work,” was the reply. “But I’ve been meaning to talk to you all day.”
“Oh? Is there anything you need to tell me?”
“Not really. I just wanted to hear your sweet voice.”
Riza stifled a chuckle before Roy continued.
“Am I interrupting you?” he asked.
“Not at all. I was thinking whether I should take a shower or start making dinner.”
“I see. Right now I’m so bored at home, and I’m starting to feel a little lonely. Would you mind if I joined you?”
“Uh—Well, I’m not cooking anything special.”
She noticed the smirk in his tone when he said, “I wasn’t talking about dinner.”
At that, her expression changed drastically to a no-nonsense one.
Roy pouted. “Oh, come on. It’s harmless fun.”
Riza took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Do we need to flirt like this? It’s ridiculous.”
“Excuse me, Lieutenant?”
He wasn’t offended, she knew he was enjoying the talk.
is going to be our way to communicate,” he explained, “and you’ll have
to follow my lead. That’s why we’re practicing in the first place: so
you learn to stay in character and reply accordingly.”
She sighed with exasperation. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll go on,” he told her.
She nodded. “Alright.”
Roy cleared his throat.
“So, Elizabeth. How was your day? Did you have any difficult customers?”
“Just someone who broke a flowerpot and tried to get away.” She grinned. “But I made him pay for it.”
Roy raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you taught him a lesson?”
“That’s right,” she said faking a proud tone.
“Oh, aren’t you a little tough?”
mean,” he interrupted, “Sometimes I’m a little lazy at work due to lack
of motivation.” He smirked. “Would you teach me a lesson too?”
heart skipped a beat, but quickly returned to normal. There it was
again: Roy’s play on words that always came with double entendre. But
she wouldn’t fail at it this time.
“Maybe I would,” she said, “if I thought you deserved it.”
Roy smiled widely at her confident answer, but relaxed soon after. He didn’t want the conversation to escalate so fast.
don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me, though,” he said
calmly. “A smart and beautiful woman like you deserves to be in the
company of a gentleman. And I promise you…” He lowered the volume of
his voice and murmured, “I can be very gentle.”
A shiver of excitement ran up her spine. She wasn’t ready to say it but she was starting to like this game.
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
Roy opened his mouth in surprise but recovered soon. “So you want to find out?”
“I just want to make sure you’re not lying to me, Roy.”
“Well, how about I visit you so you can see for yourself?”
She jerked her head to the side, unable to keep the smile from gracing her face. “I would like that very much.”
smiled sheepishly and stood up. “Alright, that’s enough.” He stretched
an arm and removed the telephone tube that Riza was holding to her ear.
opened her eyes and saw Roy putting the tube back in its place. The
simulation of a phone call had actually come easier to her while
pretending they weren’t talking face to face, just like Roy had
A corner of her lips turned upwards. “What’s the matter, Colonel? You couldn’t keep up?”
the contrary,” he said before taking his coat. “I was tempted to keep
talking all night, but I’m getting hungry so I’ll go before I starve.”
Riza stood up. “Of course. Thanks for taking the time to practice it with me.”
Riza opened the door and Roy stepped out into the hallway.
He smiled. “You’re pretty good at this, Lieutenant, I must say. Think we could do this some time for fun?”
She crossed her arms and replied in a defying tone, “I’m sure I can think of better things to do for fun, Sir.”
was startled and looked at her with utter surprise. “Careful,
Lieutenant. You don’t want your character to fuse with your real
She looked down for a moment in thought; then looked back up at him. “You’re right, Colonel; that shouldn’t happen.”
He shook his head. “Don’t worry, it’s not that import—”
you join me for dinner?” she interrupted. “It’s clear I need to
practice on that aspect, too. I’d appreciate it if you could give me a
hand with it.”
He grinned and entered back into the apartment. “Sure, I’m always willing to give you a hand, you know.”
Riza locked the door and they returned to the kitchen walking past Black Hayate, who was sleeping quietly on the floor.
“Thank you. That’s nice to hear.”
“I should be thanking you. Every extra minute in your company is a pleasure for me.”
rolled her eyes and bit her lip, but Roy couldn’t see her face because
he was right behind her. “Well, if you stay even longer, I might ask you
to give me a hand… or two, on something else.”
He gulped. He was shocked but also very excited. “Is that Elizabeth or Lieutenant Hawkeye speaking?”
Riza turned around, looked into his eyes and smirked. “I’m afraid you’ll have to stay long enough to find out.”