You might not know exactly what you’re headed towards quite yet. And you know what? That’s entirely alright. There are so many different things that life has to offer. It’s trial and error at its finest. It takes time; both to gain the experience, and determine whether or not it was meaningful to you. So give yourself the time. Don’t worry friend, you’ll find what you’re headed towards.
request: anon: Please Make more fanfics. If you need inspiration I will freestyle for you. Okay It would be a Lams. John Laurens dad would hurt John because he’s gay. Alex will comfort him. Good Luck I don’t mean to be needy but, It has been a while since you made a fanfic and I am happy with all your new followers (You deserve them) Yeah so have a nice day.
word count: 2015
warnings: homophobia, hitting, does it count as physical abuse? if someone getting hit triggers you please don’t read
a/n: well i’ve been not productive about this blog lately. whoops. IF HOMOPHOBIA OR A FATHER HITTING HIS SON BECAUSE OF HATE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU DO NOT READ. please, take care of yourself first.
“John, how come you never have me over at your house? Like, for dinner or whatever?”
John fidgets in his seat, picks at a loose thread on his sleeve, drums his fingers on the table, leans back and looks at the clock, does everything he can to avoid answering Alex’s question.
John stares down at his lunch tray.
Alex sighs. “Why won’t you answer my question?”
John looks his boyfriend straight in the eyes. “Many reasons.”
John’s six and asks what the word “gay” means, having heard it at school. His father explodes on a long rant about homosexuality and his hatred of it. John just sits there, feeling uneasy but not wanting to walk out, not wanting his father’s wrath to be turned on him.
John’s eight and he and his parents are at a clothing store, shopping for new jeans for him. Two men walk past, holding hands, and his father voices a very loud complaint about that. He says a word that John tries to forget, but it feels like it’s been branded into his brain forever.
John’s ten and he should be getting crushes on girls, should be finding other girls pretty, but instead, he finds himself admiring the other boys in his gym class, thinking that boy who sits next to him is really cute. He’s supposed to be able to tell his father about everything. But he can’t breathe a word about this. He knows what his dad will say, what his dad will do to him. At least, he’s heard his dad talking about what he’d do to gay people. He’s terrified.
John’s twelve and on the day that the Supreme Court rules that same-sex marriage is going to be legal in all fifty states, he wants to cheer, wants to scream his happiness to the whole world. His dad sits shocked in front of the TV and growls hateful things under his breath at the screen, at the endless flashing pictures of gay and lesbian couples celebrating their victory.
John’s thirteen and he’s checking out the guys instead of the girls and he realizes that he’s gay. He wants to cry when he figures it out. He doesn’t want to change, he just doesn’t want his dad to hurt him.
John’s fourteen and a new guy comes to school. One look, and he’s gone, fallen, but he’s held back by the fear that his father has implemented in him. He gets to be friends with the guy, eventually, and comes out to him. The guy is bi and they start dating and John’s in heaven. He tells the guy everything except any mention of his dad. He’s worried as to how the guy will react.
Alex notices that John is close to crying, with the memories washing over him. “Oh, no, sweetie, don’t cry, please,” he says quietly, hesitantly taking John’s hand in his. “What’s wrong?”
“The reason…” John swallows. “My dad. That’s the reason. He’s–he’s homophobic.”
Alex digests this information.
“It can’t be that bad, can it?” he wonders. John violently shakes his head, and the first few tears escape his eyes.
“It is that bad, Alex, it is…it’s so, so bad.”
“C’mon, surely he’d be fine with just meeting me. You don’t even have to tell him we’re dating.”
John shakes his head again. “No, Alex, you don’t understand! I love you and there’s nothing more that I want than to introduce you to my family. But he hates any mention of gay people, it’s really bad, like, he’s said that he will kill gay people if he has the chance and I’m…I’m scared, I don’t wanna get hurt and I don’t want anything to happen to you,” he finishes, breaking down fully in silent tears.
Alex lets his boyfriend cry, rubbing his back, and he doesn’t bring it up for a month.
John kind of hopes that Alex will drop it, but Alexander Hamilton doesn’t give up easily, if ever.
Alex brings it up at lunch again. “Today, after school, could I come over for dinner to meet your parents?”
John sighs. “We’ve been over this, Alex.”
“Can’t I just meet them? We don’t have to say we’re dating. You can introduce me as your friend. Please?”
I’m gonna regret this.
Alex is doing his puppy dog eyes that John can’t resist. John tries to argue with him for a couple minutes, but Alex wins, and they both text their parents to inform them of the plans.
Nerves are building in John’s stomach for the rest of the day after lunch. Alex meets him outside the front doors after school with a simple “hey” and John feels like he’s going to cry because he doesn’t want Alex to get hurt and it be his fault because he didn’t fight harder.
They’re a block away from John’s house when John abruptly stops.
“What’s wrong?” Alex asks, backtracking.
“I don’t think we should do this.”
“Why not?” Alex asks, and John’s words stick in his throat, all of his good arguments dying before they live.
Alex pulls him off to the side of the sidewalk, tilts his head back, and kisses him, deep and long and full, and John’s gasping for breath when he pulls away. All thoughts have been blanked out of his mind, all he can think about is Alex.
“No, wait, do that again,” John pleads, reaching for Alex, and even though they’ve got somewhere to be, even though there are other people walking past, Alex kisses him again, and they both forget about everything.
It’s been a good fifteen minutes by the time the pair finally starts walking in the direction of John’s house again.
Before they go inside, John stares at his reflection, trying to get rid of the blushing, just-made-out-with-my-boyfriend look. He fixes his hair and takes several deep breaths while Alex does the same.
“Ready?” Alex asks.
John opens the door anyway.
“Hello, boys,” his mother says, smiling down at them. “You are…?”
“Alexander Hamilton, but you can call me Alex, ma’am,” Alex says, sticking his hand out for Mrs. Laurens to shake. She looks surprised for a second, then laughs.
“No need for such stiff formalities,” she tells him, and Alex nods.
“Come on in. You can hang out in John’s room until dinner is ready,” she adds, and Alex and John step inside.
They go to John’s room and sit on his bed and John is kind of embarrassed because, well, they’re on a bed, and the door is closed and locked, but he can’t even kiss Alex for fear of his father.
So they play games on their phones for what seems like forever, competing against each other, laughing at the failures and celebrating the triumphs.
“Your mom gets it,” Alex mutters as he picks himself up from where he’s sprawled across John’s comforter. John tries not to stare at Alex’s long, lanky figure. He smiles in agreement as the nerves take over again.
Dinner is stiff and awkward. Mr. and Mrs. Laurens keep up a jerky flow of conversation that skips and stutters. John is trying not to give anything away, but he’s so anxious that it’s not working very well. Alex desperately wants to hold John’s hand but can’t.
“So, why are you here? What is your relation to John?” Mr. Laurens asks, turning to Alex. “What was your name again?”
“Alexander Hamilton, sir,” Alex says, sensing that Mr. Laurens wants the stiff formalities that Mrs. Laurens disregarded.
“I’m his b-best friend, sir,” Alex says, stuttering a little on the b. John’s eyes widen in fear that he tries to hide, really not wanting Alex to say boyfriend.
Mr. Laurens stares at Alex. “Alright. Are you sure there’s not something more? You two seem awfully comfortable around each other. You positive you’re not a–”
John stands up.
“What is it, son,” Mr. Laurens asks, sneering.
“Don’t say that word,” John states, his voice trembling. “Do you even know the history of it? Why people say it?”
“I didn’t say anything!” his father protests.
“Oh, you’ve said it plenty of times before,” John snaps back, fire in his veins, fury coursing through him because he has had enough.
“Why are you defending that? Those people are–”
“Because I’m one of them.”
Mrs. Laurens looks at John and nods, once, signifying that she’s okay with him and that he can go to her if needed.
Alex can’t just sit there. He stands up. “I’m bi. And I’m dating John.”
Mr. Laurens looks like his eyes are about to bulge out of his skull.
He lunges for his son.
What happens next is a blur.
John drops to the ground and tries to hide under the table, Mr. Laurens swings a fist at him, Mrs. Laurens shouts for her husband to stop, Alex stands there, frozen and speechless for once in his life. He created this disaster, and he thinks he might cry.
“Henry! STOP!” Mrs. Laurens screams, and in the sudden quiet that follows, the dull thud that Mr. Laurens’s fist makes as it hits John’s arm is very clear.
Alex can’t breathe.
Mrs. Laurens pulls Mr. Laurens into the kitchen and a shouting match begins.
John crawls out from under the table and stands up. He winces when Alex puts a hand on his arm, and Alex can already see a bruise beginning to form. Alex wants to cry, but John starts to cry first, and Alex pulls his boyfriend close and lets him rest his head on his shoulder. John cries into the fabric of Alex’s shirt, muttering something that Alex can’t hear properly, a mix of swear words and furious ramblings and scared sentence fragments.
“I’m so sorry, John, so sorry,” Alex says over and over, and at some point he starts crying too.
“I…” John hiccups. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Alex whispers, pressing a gentle kiss to John’s forehead. “We’ll get through this. I promise.”
Mrs. Laurens comes out of the kitchen. “He’ll leave in half an hour. I’m sticking with you, baby boy.”
John smiles gratefully at his mother but doesn’t move from where he’s cuddled up to Alex. “Thanks, Mom, I didn’t…I knew that would happen. That’s why I didn’t wanna tell him…”
Guilt washes over Alex for about the thousandth time. “I’m so sorry,” he says.
John waves his hand. “He was gonna find out eventually. A secret that big…you can’t keep it for your whole life, which was the other option.”
“And it’s nice to finally meet you,” Mrs. Laurens says. “Be good to John, okay?”
Alex nods. His throat feels like it’s constricting.
“Take him upstairs and help him calm down. Take a shower or something, baby, okay?” she advises.
“Yes, Mom,” John says. He turns to his boyfriend. “C’mon.”
“I feel so bad,” Alex confesses when they’re in John’s room, and he starts crying a bit again. “I made you do that and you got hurt and I will never forgive myself and I’m sorry I don’t think that expresses how regretful I am and I feel horrible I’m so sorry–”
John shuts him up with a kiss.
It’s hesitant and chaste at first, but then Alex deepens the kiss and they fall onto John’s bed, still kissing. John’s oddly cold, and he breaks the kiss to burrow under the blankets. Alex joins him after texting his mom and telling her that he’s spending the night at John’s. It’s a Friday, so that’s okay.
“We’re gonna be okay,” John says directly into Alex’s ear, and Alex repeats it, and both of them say that until they kiss again once more.
“I love you,” they then repeat. Alex brushes his lips over John’s forehead. The other boy is sleepy and soon succumbs to sleep.
Alex watches John fall asleep, and he only sleeps when his eyes close from exhaustion. He watches over him. He doesn’t want anything else to happen.
They love each other even through the hate they face from John’s dad.
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