* I will probably delete this post, as postpartum anxiety has rendered me a useless writer. Pretty much useless in general. If I didn’t have to disclose it to my agency, I would consider anti-anxiety meds at this point
* I don’t know if it’s her cold or the infamous 4 month sleep regression or some combination of the two, but AD has been unable to sleep unless I’m rocking her. 3 nights in a row so far. I have gotten a combined 4.5 hours of sleep within the past 48 hours. Husband could help but I don’t like him commuting on less than 5 hours of sleep. And I’ll be honest…I can’t fall asleep anyway unless I can feel her breath on my face. The anxiety is real
* I have not heard from my agency in 3 weeks. 3 weeks easily feels like 3 months when you’re waiting for a placement. We shouldn’t even be accepting legal risk at this point if we really are going to move in March. Sigh. We will still say yes to either legal risk or legally free up until August. And if we still don’t have a placement by then…we close our home. I know we still have 4 months left, but I feel pretty hopeless about it anyway
* I have poison ivy in random patches all over my body now. So very unfortunate
* I know I sound like a broken record about moving but I have trouble committing to long-term decisions. And I get analysis paralysis about details. I will say that my family and J’s family are both doing a really great job of not guilting me. I still feel guilty, but at least I’m putting it on myself. That Jewish guilt man. CA just doesn’t seem to make sense with J’s field and how expensive it is to live there. FL makes perfect sense but it worries me that AD will not have any cousins around. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. It might relate to the death of my sister and the fact that my brother does not have custody of his only child. I really wanted AD to be surrounded by kin her age. In CA, my friends all have similarly aged children. I will make friends in FL so I know that shouldn’t matter. But I’ve known my current friends for over 10 years and they all feel like family. It’s hard, man. I have two close friends who are considering moving to FL with us. Hence the commune research. So I should focus on that instead of this CA pipe dream. Right?
* Stupid Buzzfeed had this ‘what $1000 of rent looks like in all 50 states’ thing which sent me down the rabbit hole. Anyway. Everyone told me no no no Seattle is too expensive. What the fuck people. Cities 40 min away from Seattle have houses cheaper than FL. And I have tons of family out there. And friends that are pretty much family. All my age with kids my age
* Someone give me an unbiased opinion. Let’s say jobs for J are equal in all 3 places.
1) CA. Where we’re from. Lots of close friends and some family. Current residence to AD’s twin cousin (my brother’s kid just 27 days younger than AD) but her location is unstable. Perfect climate and nature. Expensive af although some free childcare. Also would not need commune since everyone is already close in proximity
2) FL. Lots of close family, some older members that might not be around too much longer. Could convince some close friends to start a commune there. Beach. I would not have to work/cheap and unlimited, free childcare
3) WA. Lots of family (although not necessarily as close) and some friends. Lots of ‘kin’ AD’s age. Also could start a commune there with same close friends. I would not have to work/cheap…but we would not have free childcare there so I would not have the option to work and I like options