girls just wanna have puns


·      BRAS – strapping. supportive. always near my boobs.

·      WINDOWS – tall. transparent. almost never a pane.

·      BOOKS – novel. unpredictable. with a spine.

·      CARPETS – stylish. rugged. let’s me walk all over them. 

·      LIGHTBULBS – efficient. bright. on sale at Walgreens.

·      TV SETS – modern. turned on. with a warranty.

·      PILLOWS – firm. in excess. in my bed.

·      SWEATPANTS – warm. resilient. covered in cookie crumbs.

·      TAXIS – clean. safe. willing to go to Brooklyn.

·      FLIGHTS – smooth. minimal baggage. with an emergency exit plan.

·      MIRRORS – reflective. full-length. sees me for who I am.

·      BABIES – adorable. potty-trained. nice crib.

·      FLOORS – polished. grounded. underneath me.

·      KNIVES – easy to handle. clean-cut. in the kitchen.

·      SUNGLASSES – cute. protective. easily replaceable.

·      DESSERTS – sweet. rich. low fat.

·      THESAURUS – resourceful. good with words. magniloquent.

·      UBERS – friendly. convenient. comes quickly.

·      FILMS – funny. original. contains offensive language & adult situations.

·      SALADS – wholesome. well-dressed. will lettuce be happy together.

·      EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – classic. distinguished. indefinitely erect.

·      CHEESE – sharp. good with wine. easily molded.

·      RELIGIONS – philanthropic. faithful. likes all kinds of sects.

·      TWEETS – witty. found online. full of character.

·      BRAIN SURGERY – complex. open-minded. faces problems head-on.

·      SUN – hot. punctual. always goes down.

·      U.S. GOVERNMENT – progressive. diverse. relatively debt-free.

·      WINE – perfectly aged. on a case-by-case basis. in the cellar.

·      FACEBOOK WALL – candid. likable. without babies.

·      KEYBOARD – silent type. writes letters. gives me space.

Dear Hot Lumberjack Selling Christmas Trees at 59th & 1st,

I wrote this list of terrible pick-up lines/conversation starters/conversation killers instead of actually talking to you because that’s what my life has become:

  • How has life been tree-ing you?
  • I’m going to go out on a limb here…
  • Am I barking up the wrong tree?
  • Were you waiting on pines and needles for me? 
  • If I’d known we were going to meet, I would’ve spruced up a bit.
  • Let’s do branch! 
  • ♫ On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a hot guy near a Christmas tree. ♫
  • I’m really pine-ing over you.
  • Sorry I’m such a sap.
  • I’m totally the girl fir you. Yule see. 
  • Want a ride in my car? It’s a two-cedar.
  • No more lumberjacking off for you, mister! 
  • Well plaid, sir. 
  • Have you checked out that new dating app, Timber
  • Want to be my BF? I THINK YOU WOOD.

Boy, you and me, yeah, we were orna-meant to be. 


Pilot Pick-up Lines

So, after years and years of sitting next to not-so-cute dudes on planes, I finally got assigned a seat next to the stud in 2B – and no joke, he was a JetBlue pilot. Here’s a few of the terrible, ridiculous intros/pick-UP lines that flew through my mind: 

  • “High!" 
  • "Fly here often?" 
  • "Do you like to rock out with your cockpit out?”
  • “I love your uniform, but it’s pretty plane." 
  • "Pretty sure that sign says no smokin’…hot dudes!”
  • “Can I interest you in a travel pun? Or do you just want 2B left alone?”
  • “I love a man with almost no baggage.”
  • “Aisle take this window of opportunity to say, ‘it’s possible this is love at first flight." 
  • "Whisper seat nothings to me?”
  • “Please prepare for takeoff. Then please prepare to takeoff your shirt.”
  • ♫"If you like it then you shoulda put a wing on it.“♫
  • "We have the same boss! And probably eventually the same last name." 
  • "Pretty sure my body should be your final destination." 
  • "I’m gonna go out on a limb here – let’s keep the armrest up, see what happens?”
  • “Ever had a one-flight-stand?”
  • “Ladies & gentlemen, the captain has turned on the….person next to him."