-As I passed by the guest services desk, I noticed that something felt strange. Upon further inspection, I saw a Storm Trooper, standing four feet tall, sporting bunny ears, reaching out to offer a stack of REDcard brochures to anyone who passed by. I understood instantly why this set off a red flag for me. Easter is over a month away. This is too early for bunny ears, by any means.
-A woman demanded that her husband remove their son from the store as the son had taken to looking at the models in the swim suit advertisements. I understand her concern. Four year-olds are notorious scoundrels and womanizers and must be stopped before they go too far.
-As I was folding clothing at the fitting room, a girl stepped out from behind a wall. She performed a brief dance and sang, “I wanna go home!” She then stepped back behind the wall, presumably to her home, never to be seen again.
-I heard the voice of a girl chanting, “Aww yeah,” from within a dressing room for an extended period of time. I hope one day to have her enthusiasm for life, as she was clearly living it to the fullest.
-A woman asked me whether an item being on clearance meant that it was maternity wear. I am positively delighted to finally be asked a question which I know the answer to.
-Despite being little more than a passerby in a red shirt, I got roped into working electronics for five minutes. Thankfully, my extensive zero minutes of training in the department came in very handy.
-A man walked through the shoe section. I know this to be true, as he was whispering to himself, “I am a man,” throughout his entire journey.
-From over the walkie, I heard the most ominous and bone-chilling sentence I have yet to encounter in the workplace: “The chicken has gone to roost.” There are shady operations underfoot here of which I am not aware. I will investigate further and report back with my poultry findings.
-I stocked a shelf of diapers featuring a toddler in sunglasses, a crop top, and, as one would expect, a diaper. I am prepared to pronounce this the look of 2017.
-Tonight I decided to sport my new pair of pants for the first time. As a result, I discovered that the fly of these pants does not particularly like to stay up. My one regret is not having worn my dinosaur-covered boxers.
-A banana peel was found, carelessly thrown onto the floor. Much to my disappointment, the HR head picked it up and subsequently disposed of it before it could live up to its comedic potential. I am particularly let down, as it is not every night that one’s workplace becomes a Looney Tunes set.
-While browsing through anniversary cards on my break, I stumbled across categories such as “two dads” and “wife to wife.” All of these cards were terrible, as is par for the course when it comes to greeting cards, but I am thrilled to know that cheesiness transcends heteronormativity.
-A girl sobbed as her mother pushed her through the store, suddenly shouting, “I’m gonna grow up!” The mother stopped, deeply concerned, and asked if she meant that she was going to throw up. The girl shook her head and replied, “No, this is worse.”
-While checking the fitting rooms, I found a lost penny. It was tails up, however, I picked it up anyway. I am not a greedy man. I do not need more luck than a free penny.
-I found a sign marked “Pizza Hut URGENT” posted by the fitting rooms. I was unable to determine the body of the message due to a lack of interest, but if any urgent matters come up, I know now who to call first.
-I asked a manager what I should do were I to find someone hiding underneath the infants furniture display. She told me that she actually did not know, despite it being part of the closing procedure. A part of me now secretly hopes to find someone stowed away beneath the strollers, if only so I can get their input on what the proper response should be.
I just woke up from the craziest dream. A friend and I were in Kohl’s trying on shirts and this girl our age came out of the fitting room in a pretty dress, and I told her she looked great. The girl looked surprised but pleased, and we started talking. The girl was like, “Sometimes I come into places like this with lots of mirrors so I don’t forget how I awesome I look."
So my friend, the girl, and I walk through the store together, talking about random things, looking at jewelry (the girl found a pair of Vera Wang earrings and wistfully commented that they looked like dying stars and that her brother would love them) and socks.
Meanwhile, we start to notice people around us are glued to their phones. One lady has her hand over her mouth in horror, tears streaming down her face. Kohl’s seems an awfully lot more empty than it had been. The girl brightly suggests we look in homewares.
We go to the back of the store and start smelling all the Yankee Candles, and the girl is like, "People can be so creative. Vanilla lime? Genius! I’m going to miss this.” My friend asks if she’s going on a trip and the girl is nonchalant, like, “Things will be changing for me real soon and I’m not going to be able to enjoy things like candles anymore.” My friend wishes her all the best with whatever and I say we’ll buy her the candle so she has something to remember us by, and the girl is all, “You both are very kind. I won’t forget that, I promise."
So we go to check out, but no one’s there. So we wait and wait, and then the girl shrugs, takes the candle and the Vera Wang earrings, and goes to leave. My friend and I are mortified, crying that she has to pay for them, and the girl is like, "I doubt they’ll mind,” as she leaves. Then my friend notices the store is completely empty and takes out her phone, which is blinking with dozens of missed calls, texts, and alerts.
She opens one of the alerts and it takes her to a breaking news video. All over the world, there is chaos. Horrifying things are devouring people and destroying cities. A giant cube of sand with teeth and weird proboscises on every side is sucking up people in Rio, and a slow-moving slender titan made of clouds is walking through San Fransisco and leaving nothing in its wake. Off the coast of Japan, something is rising from the ocean but the video cuts out.
Terrified, we run out of Kohl’s and find the girl standing at the curb. She’s staring at the sky over Route 1 as a giant, shifting mass of black mist descends. The girl turns to us, smiles, and says, “That’s my brother. Thank you for a lovely day of shopping. I’ll never forget it."
Then the skin of her face and neck begins to crack and flake away, revealing fault lines of indescribable things underneath. My friend starts to weep. I manage to get out through chattering teeth that I hope her brother likes the earrings, and the girl–barely human now–smiles with the remnants of a million devoured suns and says, "You know, if everyone had been as nice as you two, we wouldn’t have come to this."
And then she squared herself exponentially and swallowed everything up.
for all of you who have seen the photo of dan and phil “holding hands”, im sorry but it is fake. It’s a conveniently timed screenshot from a video where they are meeting a fan and are moving their arms (and hands) to make room for a girl to fit in the middle so they can take a selfie. that’s all. so please DO NOT:
-question them about it
-constantly tweet it at them
-spread the false rumour
-or do anything irrational bc even tho I very much ship phan, people following dnp and starting false rumours about them is an invasion of privacy and all confidence dan just gained may be thrown out the window if stuff like this continues.
sorry for the rant, this has been a psa, respect dan and phil, ty all