girl's-feelings

I guess I just get scared. I’m so full of love and I’m here, I’ve always been here, waiting for someone to just take it and run with it. I want someone to come along and look at me the way I look at them. I want them to look at me when I’m not paying attention and feel like they have the world sitting in front of them. I want them to have such an amazing day and want to tell me first about everything. I want them to come to me when they’re upset because even when I don’t have much to say, just holding them makes it a little better. I just want someone to care about me like I do them, I want them to love me like I do them. It’s been so lonely this past year… I’ve felt alone in my own skull, because I know if I try to talk to anyone they don’t understand. It hurts, it hurts to remember how easily I can be dropped or forgotten. It hurts to remember that someone I loved gives more to who they’re with now than they did with me. It hurts to see my friends so happy with someone who truly loves them, when I’m here wishing I could just give to someone.. It hurts.
—  And with that, goodnight.

Classic Soul

But wait, let’s really talk about this, because it’s pretty interesting how many different scenes come into different people’s minds when they think of the first moment where Anthy truly feels something. And I’m of course talking something deeper than just empty amusement over Chuchu or flip books.

Some of the scenes I hear about are Anthy’s smile at the end of episode 2, when she dances with Utena, when she has lunch with Utena and Wakaba, or, which seems particularly popular, this scene:

Which, personally, I think was one of the biggest spoonfuls of bullshit Anthy ever fed Utena with.

So I can’t really agree with any of the above, and while we all know that the biggest and most climactic display of Anthy’s emotions in the first arc are her tears during Utena’s second duel with Touga, there is an earlier scene that is first to come into my mind.

To me, this is the first time something within Anthy has been shaken, it’s the first real look into Anthy’s mind that we ever get, and it’s rather unsettling. 

Throughout the first arc, Anthy has never really been short on expressions. She’d smile when someone was nice to her, she’d look sad when someone was mean to her, but now we’re given the exact opposite. Anthy feels something, she’s facing the fact that she had developed some genuine affection for Utena, and her face is completely blank.

It speaks volumes for how far Anthy has come in killing her own sense of self in order to play out the role of the Rose Bride. I’d say it’s even debatable whether or not Anthy understand what it is she’s feeling during this scene, as that part of her might very well have been pushed off to a much more subconscious level. That face is the face of someone observing her own emotions, but not really feeling like she’s a part of them.

I guess that’s why I feel so opposed to the idea that any of the times, prior to this scene, where Anthy would put on a smile or a frown, were actually genuine. Because it feels like it makes light of how broken Anthy really is, and how well she has perfected the art of being the doll without a heart.