“What’s wrong with you?”
I. Sometimes I watch the light leave my eight year old cousin’s eyes. He gets so silent. I watch him turn into me. I try to reassure him that he can speak, reassure him that he can trust me, but he just shrugs and sits still. How do I protect him from the inevitable?
II. My best friend got her heart broken by someone that shares the same birthday as me and I feel as though it’s my fault. That I have to leave her because I’m a constant reminder of the person that hurt her.
III. My mother dearest always exclaims, “you need help!” in front of my family members to embarrass me. As though I’m not in therapy, on mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Then she acts as though I’m a burden on her shoulders, throwing my diagnosis back in my face. I don’t want to live with her anymore. She drives me to do things. She never listens and she will push me over the edge.
IV. Life doesn’t appeal to me. It doesn’t feel as though it’s my destiny. I’m a missing piece trying to fit in places I don’t belong. It’s so easy to be lonely in this lifetime. So easy to be surrounded and still feel alone.
V. I don’t believe in much, but I’m trying. Maybe I’ll find a purpose in religion, but I only ever lose myself further. I’m trying to find happiness in a body, at the bottom of a bottle, in a higher power, but I always come up empty.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”