Welp i said what i was going to do and so behold! Giraffes! Plesiosaurs! Giant Sea Turtles! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY AFAT PUG!!!! (to apologise for the giant arachnid. Have fun slaying that thing.)
Zaratan, (Sea Turtles/Archelon)
The Nope, (Whip Scorpion)
There will be more (I know @shoddymoddy and @niklisson both want cat grimm). Honestly, I’d end up doing an entire post on prehistoric and deep sea grimm because that map of Remnant has a lot of water and many islands so naturally there would be grimm to reflect the animals in those environments.
The models think they’re about to start their photoshoot when Tyra walks into the room. The models applaud wildly like they’ve never seen Tyra before, let alone five minutes prior when Tyra departed by saying something not-too-cryptic about how they never know when they’ll see her next. Not only is she back, she comes bearing important news. It turns out that when she’s not busy advocating for men’s rights, Tyra is also championing different kinds of necks.
If you believe her, everyone is calling everyone a No Neck Monster these days. First of all, there’s no way Tyra would actually be mad at people using one of the stupid phrases she invented - between “smize” and “tooch,” she lives for that shit. Second of all, no one is actually using that phrase. Hell, Tyra even forgot that she had coined that phrase last year and instead called a no-neck monster a “#WillieHunch” as I pointed out in this blog. If this blog in anyway contributed to Tyra remembering this temporarily lost ANTM term, then I apologize.
Out of nowhere, Tyra starts making bird noises and the models laugh super hard because Tyra’s jokes are the best! Do more of your bird impressions, Tyra! You should be a comedian! Tyra says that she’ll be using animals as examples to illustrate certain neck positions in modeling. Off-screen, Ramon is presumably faking a hand cramp so he won’t have to waste his time signing this nonsense to Nyle.
The first No Neck Monster is a turtle. Whatever, these models wish they were as cute as turtles. Next, Tyra shit talks iguanas since they can’t separate their necks from their shoulders. Yeah, what’s up with THAT, iguanas? And then there are gorillas. Don’t even get Tyra started on gorillas. Under no circumstance should you look like a gorilla in a photo… unless Tyra dresses you like a gorilla for a photo, in which case, you betta werk!
Suddenly, Tyra flips the script to say that some No Neck Monsters are good. #NotAllNoNeckMonsters !
Maybe she shouldn’t refer to them as monsters, then? (Speaking of monsters, that GIF tho…)
Tyra’s first positive example is a horse. Horses have manes that cover their neck, but you still know their necks are there. She gets Courtney to practically strangle herself with her own ponytail while applauding her effort.
When she’s finished, the adorably impressionable Courtney does a celebratory dance, saying she didn’t know how to do that pose before today. Uh, yeah, no one knew (or cared to know) how to do that pose before today. If you wrap yourself in a noose made of your own hair on set, the photographer is probably going to ask you to go home.
Tyra’s next good No Neck Monster is the owl. You can turn your head over your shoulder and still give the illusion of neck, see?
So much for being wise owls, though. These kids just look stupid.
Tyra may be knowledgable about necks, but she still manages to leave out a few key examples of cool animal necks. Like where’s the flamingo?
There’s no way Delanie would have gone home if she made her neck curved in two places to form an S. That’s just the kind of atypical beauty Tyra loves.
And how about the llama? That’s where you hide your neck under a neckbeardweave. It’s very high fashion.
The ostrich is good, too. That’s when a model has her head so far up Tyra Banks’s ass, but you can still see her neck. Gotta see the neck!
And finally, the camel. That’s when you elongate your neck to distract from the hump on your back. Come on, Tyra, you’ve done every other kind of sob story, what’s it going to take to get a person with a hunchback on Cycle 23? #NotTooTall #NotTooShort #NotTooHunchyDoo
There is one last animal with a good neck that Tyra name checks, but has the decency to not call it a monster: the giraffe. The giraffe is not just about having a long neck, it’s also about eating leaves.
At this point, I figured even Tyra was having a laugh with it, but no, she seems to honestly think it helps their modeling since she “feeds” Justin a leaf during his shoot:
That’s why I kind of like Hadassah. She has an alternately sour and disinterested face throughout the whole animal neck teach as if she can’t be bothered with a scenario this ridiculous… and that’s coming from someone who competes in beauty pageants! When Stefano asks if she’s going to try to be a horse, owl, or giraffe in her photo shoot, Hadassah acts like she can’t be bothered to use any of those poses. Stefano reminds her that Tyra obviously wants to see the animal necks after specifically teaching them, and Hadassah says:
This is such a great quote, especially coming from a woman who hates that people assume she’s dumb. Why should she have to use her brain anyway?
Stefano concludes that Hadassah’s “an idiot,” and while he’s not wrong, is she really any more of an idiot than someone who thinks she can pick up modeling tips at a zoo? I can’t imagine any of us are feeling all that smart after watching Tyra’s lesson on necks.
still trying to realize that somebody has to be below you in order to bring you down. I gotta realize that I’m a lot higher up; it’s like a giraffe and a turtle. a turtle can’t tell me what’s going on up here. stay down there turtle
Severus is going to school. Aside from being small for his age, he’s in great health and the big issue can be resolved, so he’s very excited to enter Kindergarten with his giraffe backpack. Or Ninja Turtle backpack. Or unicorn backpack.