gilderoy lockhart in the closet

Potterverse buddy-cop shenanigans pairing extravaganza go!

  • Gabrielle Delacour and Dennis Creevey form an indie band in the style of She and Him, whittling their own instruments and charming their elbow patches to colour-change in a succession of pastel hues.
  • Cormac McLaggen and Oliver Wood attain spiritual enlightenment and form a wildly unpopular Quidditch team named the Sheffield Shamans, which is wracked by immediate discord as they are unable to agree on a single element of strategy.
  • Romilda Vane and Ludo Bagman team up to run a series of tower heists abroad, wherein she plays the expert curse-breaker and he seduces the target to provide a diversion.
  • Marietta Edgecombe and Zacharias Smith open a bar called Bitter Butterbeer where the sourest of their entourage can gather to grouse about those darn war heroes who think they’re something special.
  • Albert Runcorn embezzles gold from Reginald Cattermole, only to realize that mild old Reg has been playing him and is running a sting operation on behalf of the Auror office. Runcorn turns on Dolores, his associate, and he and Cattermole become a redoubtable undercover duo.
  • Sibyll Trelawney marries spitfire skeptic Alicia Spinnet after discovering their mutual love for traditional 1930’s Veela Salsa music, and they literally DO NOT GIVE A BOWTRUCKLE’S BALLS what you have to say about their age difference.
  • Hannah Abbot, closet Gilderoy Lockhart superfan, visits him in Mungo’s every week after the war, eventually helping him to recover his memories. In exchange, Lockhart teaches her how to woo Neville Longbottom.
  • Stan Shunpike becomes the warden of a Dementor-free Azkaban and, with the help of plucky inmate Millicent Bullstrode, initiates a poker night tradition that will become the stuff of cell block B legend.
  • Charlie Weasley discovers a new, exceedingly rare breed of dragon, and accords Xenophilius Lovegood an exclusive interview, the final draft of which paints the story as a twelve-part epic complete with inter-species Legilimency.
  • Padma Patil takes over as lead singer of the Hobgoblins after Stan Shunkpike’s disgraced exit. For the hell of it, she also gets a masters degree in particle physics from Oxford. At an alumni banquet, she meets Dudley Dursley. Once they are married, she delights in terrifying him with colourful displays of magic every day of their lives.
  • Irma Pince and Argus Filch are forced to attend their own joint retirement party wearing funny hats. They don’t think it’s very funny.
  • Side by side, Griphook and Firenze open a blacksmith’s and a divinery in the North end of Diagon, becoming the first non-human London shop owners. Protestors can have very little to say in the face of the undeniably superior quality of their services.
  • Dawlish and Proudfoot plot to take down the Ministry from within using a combination of dark magic and gum disease.