gifts to humanity

tygermama  asked:

I just want a horror movie where the person being terrorized snaps and decides fuck it and goes after the bad guys with gruesome results and evil cackling

DO I HAVE SOME RECS FOR YOU:

  • Hush: A serial killer targets a deaf woman in her home only to have her own his ass.
  • You’re Next: A group of masked killers descend on a family dinner only one of the guests is an aussie expat who grew up on a survivalist commune.
  • No One Lives: A bunch of two-bit criminals accidentally kidnap a serial killer. This goes about as well as expected for them.
  • Gone: Police don’t believe a girl when she says her kidnapper is back and behind the disappearance of her sister so she takes things into her own hands.

PS: don’t bother with Julia X or The Final Girl - they’re both shiiiiiiitttttt.

So I think my favorite war table example of Advisors Being Extra so far has to be the Mourning Halla operation where the Dalish are like “hey so since you found out some of the events precipitating the Exalted March on the Dales were part of a big Romeo and Juliet misunderstanding, we would like to gift this human village our ancestors attacked an Apology Deer but we’re worried they won’t accept it” 

and your options are like 

Cullen: March it into the village with troops, RED CROSSING WILL TAKE THIS APOLOGY DEER AND THEY’LL FUCKING LIKE IT 

Leliana: I can convince them it’s actually a trophy of their victory over the Dalish, it will work JUST FINE as long as the humans never find out the truth and the Dalish never find out what we told them 

and I’m like Andraste’s tits you two, Josie please tell me you have some sensible diplomatic solution like you know the mayor of Red Crossing so you can personally explain the situation to him or–

“I can twist the noble who controls red crossing into accepting this, but it will end two marriages and lead to at least one duel.”

JOSEPHINE FOR FUCK’S SAKE

daemoninwhiteround2  asked:

your Voltron headcanons are amazing and hilarious and a gift to this world

once again i’m in awe that my gift to humanity is shitposts

  • “where’s pidge” “i don’t know probably planking on a robot or something”
  • lance is a treasure trove of very specific and random skill sets that come in handy at very specific and random moments
    • one time he goes undercover as a circus performer and manages to distract the bad guys long enough for the team to stage a whole prison break by juggling for half an hour straight
    • can totally pick locks with bobby pins
    • king of limbo, once avoided death by lasers by shimmying under them
  • “oh my god guys guys if keith were a superhero he’d be the sandman. get it. get it because he lived in the deser-”
  • keith and lance use the buddy system whenever they have to walk through the castle because they still don’t trust it not to kill them and there’s strength in numbers shut up pidge
  • not that either party knows this but hunk can deadlift more than zarkon
  • allura’s vibe is “don’t fuck with me” while shiro’s is “you could pour soup in my lap and i’d probably apologize to you”
  • *in the middle of a fight* pidge: “tag yourself i’m that galra guy who just straight up ran away when he saw us“
    • lance: “i’m the ship that just blew up”
    • hunk: “i’m the cold, crushing void of space”
    • coran: “can you kids lighten up a little???”

Ok so I had a “humans are weird” thought:

What if we’re the only species that get freaked out by the “uncanny,” what if that’s just a mammal thing and with the idea that inanimate objects that look like us  “could” spontaneously come to life and try to kill us is something that only we even so much as think of.

A group of alien crew mates find this out the hard way by buying human Jane what they think is a nice gift; an old “china human shaped doll” with jet black hair, scarlet red lips, pale china face and paler glass eyes.

Granted it is “preloved” possibly was a child’s, it’s a little dirty and chipped, some kind of squiggle has been drawn on it’s face but human Jane so holds close her Earth “art pieces”. They believe this object resembling a innocent human young, though battered ,would make a good addition to her small collection.
 
They take it back to the ship with them and place " the thoughtful gift” on her cabinet by her bed in her quarters, this way she will see the “lovely” gift as soon as she enters her room. They all hide round the door in the room opposite to watch her gleeful surprise, human Jane likes surprises so they don’t wish to spoil it by just handing it to her.

After serval minuets Jane appears and makes her way to her room.
The aliens huddle closer in anticipation of watching her reaction of joy.
Jane walks into the room.
She freezes.
They huddle closer waiting for the signs of joy.

However serval minuets seem to go past. 
Jane doesn’t move a inch.
She doesn’t even seem to be breathing.
Wide eyed she is stands staring the doll straight in the eyes.
Some how she seems to be even stiller than even the doll it’s self.

The aliens look at each other perplexed…
Is this what these “dolls” are suppose to do?
They could of swear they have seen human infants play happily with such things in the past!
Does she not know what it is? Can she not see it is a toy human shaped ornamental model?
Wait have they accidently given her a gift to signify insult or threat? …Do humans even have those?
Maybe this doll was made to practise the odd human “ Stair at each other” contest or  “Mr Summon says” game?
….Maybe she is so over joyed they “broke” her?

One of them gets fed up of waiting and decides to move it closer to Jane so she can get a better look, it at least might make her snap out of what he hopes is a joyful trance and get her to just take the silly thing.

To all of their shock the doll has merely twitched before Jane bolts out the door, lobbing her clip board device as hard as she can towards the human toy as she goes, she vanishes down the hall, her ear piecing scream still audible even when she’s long vanished and hallways away.

The group of witnessing aliens simply stand, completely and utterly perplexed…..



anonymous asked:

I am also a sucker for your top 10 worldbuilding posts so here's another one: top 10 times the media got some TMI on Victor and Yuuri's relationship (and does it include Victor drunkenly revealing they switch to tabloids and Chris' speech at the wedding about where they've done the nasty?)

The wedding was strictly family and friends only so Chris’ speech never got made public (Yuuri would have died if it did!) but there have been several incidents where the media learned a lot more about Viktor and Yuuri than they ever expected.

Top 10 Times The Media Got Some TMI On Victor and Yuuri’s Relationship:

10) Once - when Yuuri was competing in the Four Continents and Viktor was on the side-lines to cheer him on - during the warm up Yuuri was practicing his quad flip over and over to make sure he got it right while Viktor was doing an interview at the side of the rink and the reporter sort of offhandedly mentioned ‘oh, Katsuki has been doing jumps for a while now and he doesn’t even look tired, I guess it must be true that he has really good stamina’ and Viktor just went really dreamy eyed and said ‘yes’ while completely ignoring the interviewer and gazing at Yuuri. And the reporter and the camera man just ended up looking at each other like ‘should we finish the interview or just let him keep daydreaming about his sex life?’

9) During the season after the end of chapter 14 Viktor’s exhibition skate was the Stay Close To Me duet and afterwards one of the reporters asked Yuuri ‘were you ever concerned about doing the lifts during the routine? Were you sure Nikiforov was going to be able to hold your weight or were you worried he might drop you?’. And Yuuri was just like ‘No, I had faith in him and we already knew he could lift me up pretty easily anyway’ which he probably would have gotten away with if he hadn’t proceeded to go bright red afterwards when he realised what he’d said and everyone who watched it was like ‘we kind of really want to know but at the same time we probably really don’t.’

8) After Viktor finally retired he was doing a joint interview with Yuuri and one of the reporters asked him if he was concerned about maintaining his physical condition now that he wasn’t competing anymore because lots of athletes have a hard time adjusting once they stop such vigorous training regimes. And Viktor was just like, ‘I’m sure it won’t be a problem, I’ll still be getting some pretty intense regular exercise even if I’m not training anymore’ and winked at Yuuri and Yuuri started blushing really badly while all the reporters went into minor meltdowns

7) Once they ended up being caught by reporters a few days after Viktor’s birthday when they were out taking the dogs for a walk and it was mostly fine but one of the reporters asked Yuuri what he had given Viktor as a birthday present and they both went bright red and Yuuri sort of mumbled a hurried and fake sounding answer that probably wasn’t even in English and practically sprinted off. No-one ever found out exactly what Viktor’s ‘present’ was but there was a lot of speculation and the general consensus became that Yuuri Katsuki was probably a lot kinkier than anyone ever expected and Viktor Nikiforov was a very lucky guy.  

6) This one came in a series of tweets from a fan who was in an upmarket hotel bar which basically consisted of, ‘oh my god Viktor Nikiforov is in the same bar as I am what should I do?’ ‘He’s sitting alone do you think I should go and talk to him? Would it be weird to ask for his autograph?’ ‘I wonder why Katsuki isn’t with him, it’s the off season I thought they’d be together’ ‘Oh my god I just noticed he isn’t wearing his ring what does this mean?’ ‘He just started to talk to a guy who sat down next to him and he’s being really flirty oh my god.’ ‘Is Viktor Nikiforov having an affair????’ ‘Help, red alert I’ve just seen Viktor Nikiforov in a bar chatting up some random guy without his ring on what do I do?’ ‘Oh wait a minute the guy he was talking to just turned around and it turns out it was actually Katsuki after all. Panic over.’ ‘Wait a minute Katsuki isn’t wearing his ring either, they can’t have both lost them at the same time can they?’ ‘They’re acting really weirdly though and they’re dressed differently too I’m confused but I don’t want to interrupt’ *several minutes pause* ‘Well something I definitely didn’t expect to happen tonight was finding out that Katsuki and Nikiforov are apparently into role play but you learn something new every day.’

5) After being apart for a long time during the skating season they finally reunited at an airport and it was all very dramatic and Viktor ended up kissing Yuuri really passionately for a really long time. And when they broke away Yuuri was like ‘that reminded me of our first kiss, after the competition in Saitama.’ And Viktor was like ‘I did a lot more than just kiss you then solnyshko’ being all sly and flirty and then they both sort of froze as they realised that A) they were in a very public airport which is not a good place to be heavily flirting even if you have been apart for several months and B ) Several people were not so discreetly filming them. And that was how the world learned exactly when and where Viktor and Yuuri got it on for the first time.

4) During the four continents after they first got together Viktor ended up doing the thing in he did in the anime where he tied Yuuri’s laces and kissed his skates while being there to support him. And at that point their public relationship was still only a few months old so while the reaction was mainly positive there were still some assholes who were salty about the whole thing including one trashy tabloid reporter who cornered Yuuri after his skate who was obviously a die-hard Viktor fan and didn’t like him or their relationship at all. And while Yuuri is usually quiet and shy and likes to keep as much about their relationship private as he can because he doesn’t want the world butting in, he also is absolutely savage when he wants to be and after going through so much to finally get together with Viktor he is not willing to take any shit from anyone. So the reporter was being really bitchy and asking questions like ‘don’t you think it’s a bit degrading to make Viktor Nikiforov get down on his knees for you?’ and Yuuri just really calmly said ‘not really, he likes it too much’, smiled and walked away. The video clip of it happening has several million views.

3) At one point Viktor and Yuuri were on the beach at Hasetsu and Viktor took a picture of Yuuri in his boxers (they had forgotten their swimming stuff but got too hot and went to cool off in the sea) and nothing else while laughing on the beach. And while 99.9% of the comments were all along the lines of ‘goddamn’, ‘please step on me’ and ‘Yuuri Katsuki with his shirt off is a gift to humanity’ there were a couple off assholes who were commenting on the stretch marks on Yuuri’s thighs. Because he was a naturally chubby kid with a lot of puppy fat and went from that to a lean athletic teenager in a very short space of time so he has them although they’re not that noticeable. And Viktor doesn’t usually care when people are rude to him online because there are always a few shitty people out there but it really pisses him off when someone insults Yuuri. So when someone tweeted him like ‘you’re really hot, why do you bother with someone with ugly stretch marks like Katsuki?’ he responds with ‘I love every part of my boyfriend including his marks. I especially like to kiss them every night when his thighs are wrapped round my head.’ which pretty much shut all the haters up there and then. Yuuri hit him with a pillow for it afterwards but he was secretly kind of pleased.

2) The day after one of the major competitions Yuuri was giving an interview and the interviewer asked ‘now that the competition is over has the tiredness set in yet and are you ready to go home or are you still riding high on the adrenaline from last night?’ and Chris, who happened to be walking past at that moment, was just like ‘well he was certainly riding something last night but it wasn’t the adrenaline.’ Yuuri’s expression after he said it became a popular reaction picture for when someone looks like they physically want to die of embarrassment.

1) The incident I mentioned in a previous ask where a tipsy Viktor ends up getting interviewed by a tabloid reporter when his tongue is looser than usual so when she asks ‘are you the top or the bottom in your relationship’ aka the question everyone else wanted to ask but was way too polite and respectful to, he just winked and said ‘why pick just one.’ And that was how the world found out that Viktor and Yuuri switch.