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I’m leaving for inpatient in about half an hour. I’m scared shitless - more anxious than I’ve ever been before. But I’m smiling anyway, because doing this is one of the bravest things I’ve done, and it’s the start of a real life.

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Grandmama Drama

Well, I was planning on writing about my beautiful baby shower. It was perfect. I loved the venue and the staff. I’ve just been calling it lunch, because I hate calling it tea, but technically, I suppose it’s called a tea. It was in a hotel that used to be a Federal Reserve. It was so beautiful. The waitstaff were so thoughtful. They took my little nephew on a tour of the kitchen, where he watched the pastry chef “paint the desserts” and brought him back with a special plate of child-friendly food. They also didn’t assume that I would not take a glass of bubbly, but when I declined, they brought me a champagne flute of ginger ale.

It was obviously overly lavish for a baby shower, but my wife has a very over-the-top/generous side when it comes to parties. She can spare no expense when it comes to celebrating loved ones (“this is the baby’s first party” she would say) and eating and drinking with friends. So, okay, I feel like it was a bit over-indulgent, but I did love it.

The next day, my mom had a total meltdown. I haven’t seen this in ages because I avoid significantly long visits with her. I’ve calmed down enough that I don’t want to get into the details, but I was super triggered for two days. My wife finally got to see why I was always a bit wary of my mom. Watching my wife’s reaction, I saw just how abnormal mom’s behavior is. She was surprised and confused and mom really wasn’t even at her worst. I also noticed that my sister and I are both hyper vigilant over this. When we would hear a noise, we would both jerk and stare at each other wide eyed, waiting to see if the noise might turn into mom.

Anyway, it was good to find out that she has not been mellowing out as time passed, rather I have just been managing her well. We’ve realized that we can’t trust mom with our very soon to come baby. We got to talk about it and think about how to deal with her. It was good to get to have those discussions. For example, I thought it might be OK for mom to be alone with an infant because she doesn’t lash out until you start to show some difference from her. Babies just sleep, eat and cuddle, so they’re perfect for her. However, my wife thinks mom could get angry at someone else, and the baby could be exposed to the yelling and angry feelings and it could scare him. I think she makes a good point.

We’re trying to come up with some ground rules now. Things that would make us, comfortable spending time with mom in the future. I love her, and I want her top be a part of our life, but I also need to protect myself and my wife and our child.

Ugh, crap thinking about all this has me all re-triggered now.