I recently read this great post by @starsinursa and also because I made myself (and @tinkdw who might or might not be
interested in this post?) cry with this musing I wanted to think more about how exactly Castiel perceives himself
regarding the Winchesters and how much he thinks he actually means to
I feel that he doesn’t get it at all and I think that this might be
due to the different concepts of expressing one’s love Dean and
Castiel have (I’m also pretty sure there have already been metas
written about it but I can’t find them right
Dean isn’t able (most of the time) to
actually voice the feelings he has without masking them behind anger,
worry, etc. and instead opts for spending quality time, but Cas
doesn’t see it as the love declaration it tries to be. Now
I want to put a disclaimer here and say that I don’t think that
Dean (and Sam) don’t love Cas,
not by a long shot, I just want to explain what I thinkCastiel may
let’s start at
the end of Season 11. Dean is going to die; he accepted this. And
what does Cas say? “I could go with you” (I’m
not crying, you’re crying). For him,
this is the ultimate proof of his love: to follow Dean wherever he
will go, even in death. But Dean can’t accept this – and
Castiel, instead giving him the order to look after his little
Cas, even though he’s rebelled against heaven, accepts that order
without any question whatsoever. Because he is very focused on things
he hears – and in heaven, orders were basically all they had.
Quality time? Giving gifts? What is this? Cas
doesn’t know this and doesn’t get it.
now Cas has gotten his order and he fails to obey it. He gets
banished, Sam gets kidnapped, and
when Cas, Dean and Mary are
working together to bring Sam back
he’s very eager but
it’s all very dog-like. Dean says (in regard to Dr. Marion) “Don’t
hurt him. Not yet.”, Mary instead gives
him the order to “Hurt him.”. And Cas obeys. No questions
asked. He is very violent, which I feel is very un-cas-like
behaviour. But he still does it because
he wants to fix his mistakes.
they finally find Sam and bring him back, Cas has his conversation
with Mary about how he is still not sure he belongs there. Because
yeah, they’ve told him he’s family, he’s their brother, but all
Cas gets from this are orders.
And of course, why wouldn’t he believe
that this is what family is like because this is what he has
experienced in heaven for millennia (I also think this is a reason
why Cas is so willing to accept Mary into his family because she fits
right in AND why I think that Cas being
brothers-in-arms-like with the Winchesters doesn’t cut it because
it doesn’t help him or offer him a new perspective).
that, Cas leaves because he still hasn’t fix all of his mistakes.
He wants to find Lucifer, and in extension later in the season Kelly
and Jack, to finally fix his mistakes and “come back with a win”
because he still feels that everything he does fails.
how does Dean take that? Not well. Because, for him, spending quality
time (giving him coffee, inviting him to breakfast knowing full well
he doesn’t eat) is the ultimate love declaration and Cas in turns
rejects that in
order to leave. Urgh. But instead of telling him that and asking him
to stay because
he needs him and loves him and please just stay I have some free
space on the bed
(I’m sorry I got carried away) he is angry and instead talks about
the topics he deems safe, not noticing how much further he rejects
Cas along the way.
look at some conversations they had/things
Dean said, for example in 12x10:
“Gotta make sure you don’t do anything else stupid.” - which of
is not the reason why he wants to go on that mission but this is what
Cas hears. He already knows he’s failed at everything, the thing he
thought was right (killing Billie for them) get’s rejected too, and
now the only reason they even are helping him is in order to see to
it that he doesn’t fuck everything up again. How is that love, for
then the infamous scene where Dean has to make the decision to banish
Ishim and possibly kill Cas or put himself into danger. Of course he
picks Cas because he loves him but what does Cas see, especially with
the snippet of the conversation above in mind? Great,
now I’m endangering Dean because I can’t do anything
get so angry and frustrated writing this post *makes frustrated
they’re back in the bunker and everything’s as fine as can get,
Dean gives him a beer (again, knowing full well he doesn’t actually
need it) as a declaration of truth and he also goes as far as
explaining that he’s not mad, he’s worried. Which is great, but
what does he say when Cas says “I
don’t regret what I did, even if it costs me my life”? The
next thing Dean says is: “So what are you gonna do if you find
Kelly and, uh, Lucifer Junior?” I mean, wow. Dean can’t deal with
the fact that Cas may be willing to die so he wants to talk about
safer things. And what does Cas probably
from this? I
don’t care if you die, just tell me what you want to do about
Cas, subsequently, does everything he can about Kelly. Because he
thinks this is what he’s supposed to do, it’s a safe topic for
Dean, so he’s talked about it a lot, and Sam – well Sam likes Sam
and cares for him a lot, but Sam is not the one who needs to have the
rousing speech how he wants Cas to stay in the bunker.
don’t want to talk about 12x12 because this has been meta’ed to
death, but I want to talk about 12x19 in greater details (some stuff
was already in the post I linked at the beginning). Cas comes back,
and the first thing Dean does is scolding him for ignoring his phone
calls and telling him
he’s not glad he’s back.
And why isn’t he glad he’s back? Because when they actually had
an opportunity to kill Dagon, he wasn’t
So what’s the use for him to now be back?
Is what Cas gets from this. He failed again, wasn’t available to
help the Winchesters when they wanted him to be (because this is all he’s good to do, he
feels) and now he’s back without anything to offer, so…
course, this episode is also where Dean finally says something that resembles
an actual, honest to god “I need/love you” declaration: “We
will find a better way. (…)
You, me, and Sam, we’re just better together.” And
how sad is it that Cas still feels the need to leave because he feels
like they won’t have a better shot at dealing with the baby
than teaming up with heaven and killing the baby? He wants to spare
Dean and Sam this, so he has to leave again.
Dean, again, sees this as the rejection it isn’t because they just
can’t seem to get their act together, tell each other that they
love and care for each other and want the other one to stay and deal
with everything together. Cas because he feels that this is not what
Dean wants and because he wants to be of as much use for the
Winchesters as he can (which often means leaving them and dealing
with problems alone) and Dean because he feels that he’s not worthy
of it and that Cas wouldn’t want to stay
more frustrated noises* Ok I think I’m done.
You got out
of bed in a blur. You couldn’t believe this day was here. How had this even
Jensen looked at you as you walked toward the bathroom.
and looked at him, feeling the tears in your eyes, “How is it even possible?” you
chuckled, “They told us not to blink,” he said.
year old,” you said, trying not to fully cry, but you couldn’t believe your
baby girl was already a year old.
chuckled again as you disappeared into the bathroom, “I can’t believe it
either,” he said.
finished in the bathroom and walked back into the room where Jensen was sitting
on the bed looking at something.
over and sat next to him. His smile had faded and he wasn’t chuckling anymore.
You saw the emotion on his face as he looked at the first picture taken of your
daughter when she was first born.
Pairing: Misha x OFC / Jensen x OFC Word Count: 1,686 Warnings: none A/N: Here’s part eleven of mine and Nicole’s (@iwantthedean) collab! Hope you guys like it! Anyway, feedback for this is